I wrote this poem on TRAP and PYRAMID, and I think it sums up how every Chicago Bulls fan circa 94-98 felt about Corie Blount.
January 30, 2009
As you can see from those two photographs that I displayed above, both men have very grey hair which is parted on the left side of their head. Additionally, their faces have similar bone structure and features. However, in that photograph of Walt Szczerbiak, he is sporting a dashing mustache, which I can assure you was not present during the Cleveland Cavaliers versus Orlando Magic game that took place last evening. Isn't this an astute observation?
One last thing that I noticed while using Google (image version) to look for a photograph of Walt Szczerbiak is that when he was younger he looked like character actor Casey Affleck, while he portrayed the titular character in the motion picture The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, a movie about the mastermind behind the World Wrestling Federation's Degeneration X being killed by the man who invented cars.
I will now show you a picture of Walt Szczerbiak when he was younger:
And this is Casey Affleck, brother of Ben Affleck, in the movie about wrestling:
Isn't the resemblance striking? The each have disheveled hair, gingivitis, and prostethic limbs. That's why I made that observation.
Thanks for reading!
January 29, 2009
This is the dumbest thing on Earth. Dad couldn't have gotten me on court for the Lakers? At least they have Monkey King. This is so lame.
OH, COTTON CANDY!!!!! I NEEEEEEEED COTTON CANDY!!!
This shirt is TOO big. MOM, MY SHIRT IS TOO BIG!!!
Whatever, I'm going to go do some math.
January 28, 2009
January 27, 2009
Okay, there's Chris. He'll find me if I'm open. Just gotta get open.
Oh, sweet! There's a path to the basket. I'm totally cutting there, mate. They won't even notice me; I'm Sean Marks.
Crikey! I'm gonna be open. I'm gonna be SO open. Thaddeus Young definitely lost track of me. Well, I'm Sean Marks, mate. Not too surprising.
This is your big chance Sean. Make it special. You're going be photographed so many times right now. Make this dunk special.
Make sure you get the dunk down. And make sure you don't blink. Whatever I do, I can't blink.
Do not blink, Sean.
This is your chance to be a star, mate. Do it, mate.
Okay. The ball's coming. I got it. This is it.
Time to dunk.
DON'T BLINK! Awwww, crikey...
January 26, 2009
Am I a parody of the NBA?
Is it true what they say? That I'm a cancer to my team. That I will not win. That a team with Ricky Davis is inherently flawed.
What would make people say such a thing? I am a good person. I enjoy philanthropic activities such as providing burritos to each and every Clippers fan named Rick, Dick, Ricky, Richard, Dicky, David, Dave, Davis, Davie, and Ricardo. Those people deserve burritos, and I gave them burritos.
I am not a bad person.
Sure, sometimes I like to shoot. But who doesn't? Is it not part of basketball to shoot?
My cornrows ... gone.
My Ludacris-themed facial hair ... gone.
My joy ... sadly, gone.
I am a shell.
I am no longer the Ricky Davis that I want to be.
Why must I toil under the banner of "cancer?" Why should I be the scapegoat?
Ricky Davis is for the people.
Ricky Davis is of the people.
Ricky Davis is the people.
I am Ricky Davis and I need some shots.
January 23, 2009
January 22, 2009
The Blowtorch: Hi, Danilo. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
Danilo Gallinari: Fuhgeddaboudit.
BT: Absolutely. I won't publish that.
BT: Just let the past be the past? What about the Isiah Thomas regime?
BT: Seems prudent. What did the team do to deal with the Stephon Marbury situation?
BT: Yeah, he hasn't been a story for quite some time. Weird question, but do you have a favorite Burt Reynolds movie?
DG: Forget About It.
BT: Hmmm, I haven't seen that. Did you ever see Donnie Brasco?
(we share a hearty laugh)
January 21, 2009
I am Tim.
Oh, you noticed those banners? I must apologize. I did not mean for them to be so prominently displayed.
January 20, 2009
January 19, 2009
That is all.
January 16, 2009
January 15, 2009
Most lawn mowers are powered by normal folks. Maybe it’s a mother of two who likes to get some exercise. Maybe it’s a son who dreads having to mow the lawn each summer. Maybe it’s a dad who likes to cut diagonals in the grass because it “looks better.” Whatever the case, the standard lawn mower just isn’t as quick and efficient as Grant Long’s Forward Powered Lawn Mowers. And the secret behind Grant Long’s Forward Powered Lawn Mowers is the Forward Power technology. Let me show you.
With Grant Long’s Forward Powered Lawn Mowers, we provide you with your own lawn mower, but we add a little something special – your very own NBA caliber power forward to push it. That’s right. Every purchase of a Grant Long Forward Powered Lawn Mower comes complete with a former NBA power forward. “Which power forwards?” you ask. Well, Bo Outlaw for one.
HEY GUYS, I’M BO OUTLAW AND I’M SOOOOOO EXCITED TO BE A PART OF GRANT LONG’S FORWARD POWERED LAWN MOWERS! SINCE RETIRING FROM THE NBA, I’VE HAD SO MUCH EXTRA ENERGY BUT NOWHERE TO RELEASE IT! THROUGH GRANT LONG’S FORWARD POWERED LAWN MOWERS, I GET TO USE THAT ENERGY SOMEWHERE THAT REALLY NEEDS IT --- YOUR LAWN!!!!!
But that’s not all. We’ve got even more power forwards ready and willing to mow your grass. Scott Williams, Greg Foster, Brian Grant, Otis Thorpe, and even my cousin, Terry Mills; the list goes on and on. These guys can’t wait to get behind one of Grant Long’s Forward Powered Lawn Mowers and get to work. It’s not like they have anything better to do.
So remember, when your lawn gets long, get Long’s.
January 14, 2009
So when I finally get to the site, I find the image I need. Here it is:
Look, I know that everything post-Bulls hasn't been a roaring success. The Wizards were bad, then they fired you. The Bobcats are bad. That whole turning-your-restaurant-into-Sammy Sosa's restaurant thing seemed a little harsh. You signed Derek Anderson, Fred Jones, and Bobby Simmons to represent Team Jordan. Roy Jones (Team Jordan) started losing. Marvin Harrison (Team Jordan) shot a guy. You got divorced. I get it.
But can I ask one more question: would it kill you to slide somebody a couple thousand dollars to give your image a once-over? You're ruining our childhoods here.
January 13, 2009
- I was driving to work this morning, listening to Dr. Dre, and the thought popped in to my head, "I wonder which of the songs on Chronic 2001 is Lamar Odom's favorite?" I know he's from New York, so he's probably pretty tied in to that scene, but I'm also fairly certain that he'd be a huge Dr. Dre fan. That being said, I'm guessing his favorite song is "Xxplosive" or "What's the Difference."
- It's always been surprising to me that Tim Duncan wears number 21. 21 is sort of a flashy number, for guys like Kevin Garnett, Darius Miles and Zaid Abdul-Aziz. Duncan seems like he'd wear something in the 40s. This has been bothering me for at least three weeks.
This is something that KD and I talked about, but I'm still shocked by the Cavaliers. Take away LeBron and they're worse than the Bucks last year, who were 21st in offense and last in defense. LeBron is THAT good. So good that he makes the team 1st in offense and defense. That's ridiculous. "We Are All Witnesses" is a really bizarre marketing strategy, but it's also really true.
- I wish this were a real album. I also can't believe I didn't do this 3 years ago.
- Things on the docket for this week: internet/cable installation, which means there will be a new Blowtorch Presents, probably sometime next week. Also, there is going to be some other audio noises happening in other places, but I've probably said too much.
- Last, but certainly not least: I'm opening a cupcake shop called ToughCakes. ToughCakes - tough to eat cupcakesAs you can see from the ToughCakes on the right, the tagline is fitting. And yeah, I made heart-shaped cupcakes. Deal with it.
January 12, 2009
- Notorious was alright. Not great, not bad, just alright.
- A co-sponsorship between Nike and Rogaine, in order to minimize the effect that his dependency on terrycloth to disguise his male-pattern baldness has upon the environment.
- Apologizes for the LeBron's Lightning Lemonade gum, which "didn't really taste that good."
- He found Damon Jones.
- Another pair of clunky shoes.
- Yet ANOTHER pair of clunky shoes.
- More clunky shoes.
- The new pronunciation of his name: Lay-Broon. It coincides with a Ralph Lauren collaboration to be released in France.
- That he thought "Jockin' Jay-Z" was pretty bad, but he likes "Brooklyn (Go Hard)."
- Has reconsidered the global icon approach. Now wants to be a desktop icon.
- Something involving Lil' Wayne*, which will be named LeBron Wayne.
- That he's really excited for Lost to come back. "Polar bears need love, yo."
- Crab dribble instructional tape.
*As I typed this, I realized that this is probably true. Think about it. Weezy has been in the last two LeBron commercials. He's the biggest star in rap right now, and he'll do a track with ANY BODY. What's keeping LeBron and Wayne from doing a rap song? If/when this happens, it will immediately become my least favorite song of 2k9.
January 9, 2009
Or so I thought.
January 8, 2009
Here's us:Here's our NBA look-a-likes:
That's me in the middle. Obviously.
January 7, 2009
January 6, 2009
I decided 2 get tattys (and flannel).
///////I AM THE MIHM ECONOMY///////
(via HRO/CRLS/the Carles/Carleser)
January 5, 2009
Don't even act like you ain't like no cannolis, capice? If you think y'can just traipse around this here locka room actin' like you ain't like no cannolis, yous guys got anudder thing comin'. Vinny D ain't playin' around. These cannolis, theys pretty great, so eat 'em. Errrybody here's eatin' two, three, four cannoli. I don't care if you ain't even know what cannolis is, cause these cannolis are some real cannolis.
Excuse me. I, uh, I musta misheard you. You say you ain't like my moms's cannolis, Joakim? What, they too decadent and delicious for you, Frenchy? You want that sissy French food that's like a single slice of cheese on a plate with some sauce? FUHGEDDABOUDIT!!! This the real good cannoli, straight outta Italy. You ain't like it, you can get outta my locka room.
Oh, what? What? You gonna do somethin', Frenchy? I didn't think so. Siddown.
Anybody else here got somethin' to say about my mudda's cannolis? No. You don't. So just take your no cannoli eatin' keisters outta my locka room and get warmed up. You ain't want cannolis, you ain't eatin' NOTHIN'! It's as simple as that. If ain't momma's cannoli, FUHGEDDABOUDIT!!
Do not. Even Think. About bringin' some non-cannoli type a food in Vinny D's locka room, less you wanna take it to the mattresses.