Check Out My New Tattoo

It took me a while to figure out something that I'd want on body for the rest of my life, and I finally decided on this Bulls tattoo. I wanted to get something subtle and unobtrusive to show my support for my favorite basketball team. Plus I can cover it up for job interviews. Definitely not going to regret this.

Asian/Pacific Islands Basketball is Confusing

I like watching all kinds of basketball. Or as the Spanish might say baloncesto. I feel like I can relate to basketball at any level. Yes, I much prefer the NBA to anything else, but I'm always down to chill out on a college, high school, or international game.

But I have never watched a FIBA Asia game ever. In fact, I just found out it was called FIBA Asia because of Google and their website, which a) exists and b) has a theme song that autoplays that is hilarious. That is my entire understanding of FIBA Asia basketball. And judging by some recent photographs, that's probably the most I'll ever comprehend, because holy cow what is going on here?

In FIBA Asia basketball, large women guard small men while the kid from Little Miss Sunshine watches from press row.

In FIBA Asia basketball you can only block shots through the rim.

FIBA Asia basketball is very emotional.

In FIBA Asia basketball, some players have the ability to float parallel to the ground. This is a perfectly legal defensive strategy.

Similarly, in FIBA Asia basketball, some players can make the ball levitate. If you levitate the ball, you can advance it as if you were dribbling. It is not considered traveling because it's magical.

FIBA Asia basketball is heavily influenced by the Harlem Globetrotters.

These are the only known facts about FIBA Asia basketball. I learned them from reading the website, so I'd suggest you check it out then come back here so we can have an in-depth discussion about FIBA Asia basketball. Also, magic. We can talk about magic since that's all you want to talk about these days.

Jon Brockman Plays Meaningful Minutes

5:50 remains in the first quarter of a very important Miami Heat/Sacramento Kings game.

Paul Westphal: Jockman? Bron. Jon? Bron Jock...Jon Brockman! Go play basketball.

Uhhhhhhh.....now? Me? But uhhhhhhhh it's uhhhhhh the first quarter period uhhhhh....

Dokay dokey. Gonna go play I guessssssss. Uhhhhhhh thing I migh grabba webounders duhhh...

WHOA. That man is a fast man with duh dwibbling. Like uhhhhhhhh so fast at dwibsles. Maybe he needs help wif duh webounders. Uhhhhhhhhh someone stop him fwom dwibbwing to duuuhhh hoop.

Zoings. No one stopped dwibbly dwibblesons from dwibbling and now he is dunky dwibblesons. Stupey stupid dwibblesons making dunk shot basketball. No webounders make the sads. Duhhhhh....

Paul Westphal: Jockman, you're out.

AWWWWWWWWW! SO NOT FAIR!

Things That Actually Happened in a Professional Basketball Game in 2009

Elton from Clueless dunked.

Whoever this guy is shot a jump shot.

The guy from the Dead Presidents movie poster ran on the court for a hug from Undercover Brother.

The most overwrought dunk attempt of all-time was blocked by the most overwrought block attempt of all-time. Relax, guys.

Whatever Aaron Brooks is doing.

PRO TIP: Sometimes you just have to link to something involving Eddie Griffin.

A Couple of Bros Discuss Product

Che cosa sta succedendo, bro?

Chillin, bro. Sup?

Per vero, bro. Potrebbe sparare alcuni gruppi di tre.

I feel that. Might shoot some back. Depends, yo.

Senza dubbio, bro.

Bro?

Eh, bro?

What kind of product do you use?

Cosa?

You know, hair product, bro. Your hair looks wicked fresh.

Stai comportando in modo strano, bro.

Nah, man. Just want to get the messy spike thing going on. Getting tired of the swoop action.

Ancora, bro. Stiamo cercando di sparare tre, qui e siete tutti così, "fammi sapere i tuoi capelli."

Chill, bro.

Hai freddo, bro.

Psssssssht.

Fuhgeddaboudit.

Not cool, bro.

PROTIP: Hover over Italian phrases for translations, bro.

Professor Threepointerstons Offers Shooting Advice

Hello children. I am Professor Threepointerstons, but you can call me Professor Threebombs. If you're wondering why I'm wearing this checkered hat and smoking a pipe, it's to attract intelligent women. For I am a professor of three-pointing.

There's nothing more special to Professor Threepointerstons than teaching other non-professors how to three-point. It's simple, really. In fact, I've authored a pamphlet entitled Professor Threepointerstons Guide to Three-Pointing: It's Simple, Really. This seven page pamphlet covers all the ins and outs of three-pointing, but mostly the outs since this is an outside shot which we are discussing. If you're interested in three-pointing, you probably already knew that, but I digress.

Anyhow the key to my three-pointing system is a revolutionary checklist designed to make three-pointing as easy as eggs. The system, dubbed "Professor Threepointerstons Three-Pointing System," is a simple eleven step process that must be executed in its entirety before shooting a three-point field goal. The steps are as follows:

1. Receive the basketball.
2. Mentally compliment the basketball on its roundness and smooth leather. This makes the ball want to help you out since you were so nice to it.
   
3. Briefly consider each and every basketball shot that you have made since you learned the flex offense (generally grade six).
4. Assess which of these shots made you the happiest. Choose only one and be specific.
   
5. Mentally compliment yourself on how happy that shot made you.
6. Remember the BEEF process (balance/eyes/elbow/follow-through).
7. Remember the last time you ate a meal that featured beef, to relax your mind for the three-pointing.
8. Begin the BEEF process by gaining your balance.
9. Focus on the rim. Possibly mentally compliment the rim so it does not get jealous of the basketball.
10. Ensure that your elbow is directly under the basketball that you will be three-pointing.
11. Shoot the basketball, holding your follow-through, while sending all of your good intentions to both the rim and the basketball that you have three-pointed.

It's that easy. This sequence should take no longer than 13 nanoseconds, and if it does, it is recommended that the shot be reconsidered*. Nonetheless, this simple guide to three-pointing should serve as the basis for your three-point shot. The system is a proven success. After all they don't give out doctorates in three-pointing to just anyone.

*This is covered in my advanced text Professor Threepointerstons Advanced Three-Pointing: Making Three Points Happen to You.

The Chris Kaman Story

When Chris Kaman was growing up in the mystical land of Grand Rapids, Michigan, his mother told him all of the wonderous things he could do. If he tried hard enough someday he could be an interior designer or an architect. He could become the leader of Michigan's most famous big band, The Michigan Pops. He could even fly to the moon. And maybe, just maybe, he could be the President of these here United States of America. The world was Chris Kaman's metaphorical oyster. And the family's local oyster farm was his literal oyster.

Of course Kaman's no-nonsense father Leroy told him to get to work on his post moves. If he looked anything like what those 'if they mated' photobooths at the county fair said, the President thing was out of question.