November 24, 2010
The book is done and it is a free download. Please download and enjoy some laughs at this book full of nonsensical jokes. Way full. Chock full, even.
Donate if you want, but I really just want this to be read. It's been on my computer for a year, and that's just silly because jokey-jokes have no timestamp.
So please, enjoy it. Read me at The Basketball Jones and follow me on Twitter and let me know if you like it.
This has been The Blowtorch.
February 25, 2010
February 24, 2010
February 23, 2010
February 19, 2010
February 18, 2010
Okay, so here's the story. The show is called My Crew. We've got four guys from different walks of life, but they're all in the NBA. We'll use Erik Spoelstra, the Miami Heat coach. Brian Scalabrine, from the Celtics. Yao Ming from the Rockets, and Yi Jianlian from the Nets. It's set in the offseason and these guys are all like best friends and it's all about them making their way in the NBA. It'll be like Friends plus Entourage, so like the best show ever.
Here's the best part. We already cast the show. BJ Novak is in to play Spoelstra. The guy from LOST, he's going to be Yao. And we got Lloyd from Entourage to be Yi. That's great right? He'll definitely help us capture the right vibe for the show. But get this — Scalabrine is going to play himself!
Just let me know how many episodes you want.
February 16, 2010
What's goin' on, sissies?
Name's Brian. Brian Winters. Yeah, you know me.
I'm here because you idiots traded Jabbar. Good one, ya jugheads.
You think I want to be in Wisconsin? This time last year I'm catching perch off the Santa Monica Pier, and now I've gotta choose which of 18 different cheeses I want on my grilled cheese.
Oh, you like my stache? Sure you do. I grew it as a joke cause I knew you jerks are in to that sort of thing.
Let's play some basketball. Give it to the big man and work inside out. Some good basketball. That's what you guys do here, right? No? Oh yeah, you traded your big man. Good one.
I can't believe you bunch of stupids won a title. How's Brian Winters supposed to make things work here? Want me to grow a beard and get a pair of goggles? Too bad. I hate skiing.
If you need me, I'll be parting my hair.
February 15, 2010
February 12, 2010
Say, Bradford. Might I interest you in some tips on how one might acquire that oil, son?
'Tis a simple process, my dear friend Bradford.
The first step is finding a location that may provide you the opportunity for oil acquistion, son.
Naturally, yes. This, likely, would be my backyard where I often spend time shootin' at some food.
Yes, yes, of course. Once you have found this oil acquisition location, simply throw an ice pick at that oil, son.
An ice pick?
Yes, an ice pick, Bradford.
Interesting, Josiahkim. But where shall I store my oil, son?
Oh, Bradford! Dost ye know nothing about acquiring that oil, son?
I must admit, Josiahkim, I have never acquired that oil, son.
Fair enough. After ice picking said oil, simply collect that oil which is now spurting in to a burlap sack.
A burlap sack?
Yes, Bradford. Your finest burlap sack.
Oh, the choices! My collection is so great. 'Tis that it?
No, sir. After that, Bradford, we dance.
Most amazing tutorial, Josiahkim.
Think nothing of it, my good man! Now go on and acquire that oil, son!
February 11, 2010
February 9, 2010
Mark Cuban: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING FACETIOUS WITH ME? ARE YOU HAVING A JOKE WITH ME? ARE YOU TEASING ME? ARE YOU JOSHING ME? ARE YOU JASONING ME? ARE YOU THE OTHER JASONING ME? ARE YOU ERICKING ME? ARE YOU JOSEING ME? ARE YOU RODRIGUEING ME? ARE YOU SHAWING ME? ARE YOU RICKING ME? ARE YOU DREWING ME? ARE YOU EDUARDOING ME? ARE YOU DIRKING ME?
I didn't forget you, Dirk. I was saving you for last to really make my point.
Dirk Nowitzki: Was auch immer.
February 8, 2010
Can we make sure we keep Omri Casspi's razors hidden from him? I thought we had an agreement that we'd do that with all European NBAers anyways. It's in the collective bargaining agreement.
OmBro looks WAY too much like Crispin Glover to be running around all smooth-faced. Next thing you know, Spencer Hawes is going to be collecting even more skulls than usual. And no one is going to sign Andres Nocioni because he gives a weird interview on Letterman.
Get it? Because these are things that Crispin Glover really does and Omri Casspi looks like Crispin Glover. Get your beard back, bro. Crispin Glover is cool and all, but not that cool. And hey, Crispin Glover, you were in Charlie's Angels, you're not that creepy. Relax, Crisp.
But back to Omri Casspi. If he decides to look more like Dean Cain that is acceptable. But good luck with your mediocre career after leaving the place that gave you your start.
DEAN CAIN ZING 2010
February 5, 2010
Michael Beasley: Hey, check me out. I'm a shark. RRRRRRRRROOOWWWWWR. Buh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buh dut buh dut buh dut buh dut SNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Is that fin real?
Michael Beasley: Yeah, cuz I'm a shark.
Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Man, that's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Oh, sup basketball.
Michael Beasley: SHARKSKETBALL! SNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
February 3, 2010
I think the fan movement is pretty cool down in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma home of the Oklahoma City Thunder basketball club. Seems like their fans always want their team to do well, and they're super excited to have a team. It's pretty chill.
However, I DO NOT agree with them replacing their best player's arms with thunder sticks just so 'the people' can better identify with him.
I know you're not used to having a basketball team, but one of the first things they teach you at the town meeting the city holds when it's announced that you will be getting a new basketball team is to never replace your star player's arms with any sort of cheering apparatus. That's like Fandom 101, which is offered at any community college. Take a class, guys.
February 2, 2010
Deron Williams goes in to the barber and says, "give me a stoplight."
The barber says, "stoplight? What are you talking about?"
So Deron Williams says, "you know, red, yellow, green."
And the barber says, "I know what a stoplight is, but it's not a haircut."
Then Deron Williams says, "sure it is. Let my beard go, stop my hair from growing on my temples, and be careful with the top — I don't have much to work with up there."
February 1, 2010
Shannon Brown: What are you guys talking about?
January 29, 2010
They did it, guys. They finally cloned a human, and as expected, something went wrong. This SCOUNDREL is running around calling himself "Shane Batch-ee-yay" to sound more dangerous, like Stephon Urquelle.
Well you're not fooling me Fake Shane Battier.
I've been watching you ever since that mustache showed up. You're shooting inefficient shots. You're not playing helpside defense. And when you challenge shooters, you're going for the ball and not putting your hand in their face. Did you think we wouldn't notice, Fake Shane Battier? Come on, son.
Next thing we know you're going to be trying to smooth out your head wrinkles. You're fooling no one Fake Shane. No one. Everybody who knows anything about facial hair knows that the mustache is the least efficient form of facial hair. It doesn't keep your face warm and it doesn't make your head seem longer, so what's the point? The real Shane Battier would never grow a mustache, YOU FAKING FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 28, 2010
I'm freaking out? How? Because I'm yelling OH SNAP? Big deal. Maybe if you didn't throw the ball out of bounds for no reason I could just relax and set some back screens. Looooooove setting back screens.
OH SNAP. I'm gonna go set some back screens after you get that ball.
January 27, 2010
That is a true fact.
I found the pictures.
Charlie Villanueva was the first to try it, even before Mike Woodson did it. But people were kind of weirded out by Charlie's devotion to this look. He might have taken it too far.
Trying to show solidarity to both Charlie (both have bad contracts) and Mike Woodson (both of their cities can't believe their team still employs them), Jared Jeffries went eyebrowless. It's actually an improvement.
When all these guys started shaving their eyebrows off, Brad Miller took notice. Since he likes co-opting Black style, he adopted the shaved eyebrows look as well.
Then Troy Murphy attended the Symposium for Big White Guys Who Shoot Threes and saw Brad Miller and he was like, "nice, bro." He went home and shaved off his eyebrows because he thought that's what the whole group was doing. Whoops.
Then Troy Murphy came back to Indiana with no brows, and Earl Watson realized that his massive caterpillars needed some trimming so why not just get rid of them totally. Typical Earl Watson, always kinda messing things up just a little.
Since Brad did it, I had to do it. It's for art, guys. I might also look in to chest hair/giant hands removal. If you know anybody that specializes in that very specific area, holler at me.
As you can see, Mike Woodson is the classic "maven" from Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point, a book about random capitalization. It was his daring to bring style to the court that made it okay for all of us to shave our eyebrows.
Shave yours off tonight, take a picture, and it will be posted here. Together we can shave lives.
January 26, 2010
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...
Chill out, Juwan Howard. You're just shooting a jumpshot, relax a little. Oh my bad. Let me guess, your back is tightening up. Because you're like a thousand. I guess that makes sense, unlike your continuing Team Jordan affiliation. Although I'm sure that helps out their age discrimination diversity. Maybe call up your best buddy Lance Armstrong to see how he stays so limber.
January 25, 2010
- As of today I'm blogging the Olympics for Yahoo!'s Fourth Place Medal. I'm basically the Blog Costas of the Internet. That doesn't really mean anything, but it sounds kind of important. Nonetheless, Blog Costas says you should read my writing over there.
- Additionally, I'm still writing at Ball Don't Lie, too. Read it. (You already are.)
- What does all this mean for The Blowtorch? I don't know. You might not believe this, but these jokes I come up with come pretty quickly, so I'm hoping to continue making these jokes. Outside of during the actual Olympics (Feb 12-28 only on NBC and Yahoo!), things should still be active around here, but maybe a little slower. My fingers are just thinking out loud right now.
- I'm on Twitter again. NETWORKING.
- Remember that book I was writing? LOLers, me too. It's finished, but rather than settling for publishing it myself, I'm going to at least try to sell it. Why not, right? It's 2010. If that fall through, THEN I will settle for publishing it.
- That's enough inside blogsball. Here's a picture of Harry Potter at a Lakers game:
January 22, 2010
And I was looking at it really intense style and then I unlocked the key, which isn't how that metaphor works. But I uncovered the hidden message. I think it's a Da Vinci Code thing, because this picture recalls every era of NBA basketball, except for the 1940 which hardly count.
- 50s - non-muscular, light skinned legs, a hallmark of the early all white NBA.
- 60s - unkempt 'power to the people' hair and ineffective headbandery recalls the Summer of Love
- 70s - faux-tro wine and gold Cleveland Cavaliers uniforms
- 80s - too short shorts
- 90s - a center part and five o'clock shadow, ladies
- 00s - pointlessly updated Los Angeles Lakers jerseys
- 10s - this picture was taken in 2010
The NBA is a melting pot. We put in European and Argentinean chocolates, melt those chocolates together, and then after they have combined to form a nice Euro-Argentine chocolate paste we spread it on wheat toast and maybe put a little honey on top of the chocolate paste and enjoy it. Maybe we have another piece or maybe we get diabetes, we can't see the future.
"Tomorrow never knows." -- Ringo Starr
"For real." -- Trey Kerby
January 21, 2010
2. DRIVING TO THE RIM: Stay under control. Use an attack move. Prepare for help defenders. Make good decisions.
3. FINISHING AT THE RIM: Strength is the key. Concentration is crucial. Release the ball as close to the rim as possible. Play through the contact. Take the defender up with you.
4. USE YOUR OFF HAND: Strengthen your off arm. Jump off your inside foot. Practice until if feels natural.
5. HAVE FUN - Enjoy the game. Smile.
January 20, 2010
Niiiiiiice ahnd easee weeth ze doonk. Joost make a tall jump and make zay doonk.
Oh wows, Vadon. You are un GIRTHY man, Vadon. I cahn barley leeft.
I keed. I keed. Of corpse Daryus cahn leeft. Strenf!
Bot vreally, you shood mah-be loose some of yore weight, Vadon. Note goot fors yours hart.
January 19, 2010
Maybe because of this:
- Just watched the 5ooth Jones episode on his iPodPhone.
- Found out about Skype.
- Kevin Jonas got married.
- Received the R. Kelly Light It Up Tour DVD in the mail and watched the part that Aziz Ansari was talking about.
- Realized that exactly half of R. Kelly's songs are about making sex and the other half are inspirational self-help songs, which is a pretty weird breakdown.
- Started reading The Blowtorch.
- Is just a jolly fat man who likes to laugh.
- One of his buddies wore a sweater that looks like the calibration screen on an HD television.
- Just likes having a good time.
- Found out his dad had Twitter.
- Rewatched The Happening.
- Can't get "Day Man" out of his head.
- Actually choking on a delicious churro.
January 15, 2010
January 14, 2010
Come here Jer-rreeee. Give Dan Dan a huggy wuggy wugglesons. Just a quick little hug, Jerry. Not a big dealey. Just a huggy wuggy wugglesons between two friendy wendy friendersons.
Awww, that's nice Jerry. You're letting Danny Boy give you a huggles.
JER-RREEEE! You dunked on Dannity Kane! That wasn't very nice, Jerry. Be a good friend, geeeeeeez.
You want to sit by Steve Francis? No. I want to sit by Steve Francis. I paid for this seat specifically because it was next to Steve Francis. I've been dying to ask him about the cuddle party he threw at the 2000 Dunk Contest. I can't help it if I have to sit next to the Princess Bride soundboard.
You played together, what, 30 games? You're no Cuttino Mobley. In fact, if you were Cuttino Mobley I would switch you seats. That would at least make sense. What are you and Steve Francis going to talk about? Bad knees? Thrilling. I'm going to stay here. You stay over there by Rick Sweatervest and mind your own business.
And why don't you relax when someone dunks it? You've seen a dunk literally thousands of times. Chill out.
January 13, 2010
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...
January 12, 2010
- Christopher Lee - "No, I'm not Ian McKlellan, who is a dear friend of mine. I am Sir Christopher Lee, perhaps better known as Saruman. Tis it noble of me to mention my roles? I carest not, for I have played Count Dooku AND Doctor Scaramanga. CHARLEMAGNE!"
- Mark Wahlberg - "Hey LeBron. That's a nice dunk. You jump pretty high. My brother jumped off a roof once. Say hi to your mother for me."
- Lynne Spears - "Sure he's a successful child prodigy now, but just wait."
- Andy Garcia (not pictured) - "Can I get some better seats please? Like something out of the upper bowl?
January 11, 2010
As we all know, Mike Bibby is probably the worst. But how much the worst? Along with blog bro Devine, here are some things that are most likely true about Mike Bibby.
Mike Bibby seems like he would...
- think it's funny to not flush the toilet.
- DVR "Mind of Mencia."
- talk about getting a motorcycle a lot.
- always be saying, "did you see that three I hit last night?" when he knows you were watching the game because he gave you tickets.
- have a cousin named Doug. (CONFIRMED)
- see Tyler Perry movies to seem sensitive, then totally bag on them with his boys.
- get bad tattoos. (CONFIRMED)
- make his entourage get bad tattoos. (CONFIRMED)
- insist on having an entourage. (CONFIRMED)
- think LL Cool J should make more records.
- know all the words to "Put It In My Mouth."
- blow a .07 then tell everyone how the secrets to beating the system.
- try to grow a full beard, but when the cheeks didn't fill out, tell everyone beards were wack.
- buy the Kid Cudi record.
- always get himself a bowl of cereal and not even offer you a bowl when he knows you love Lucky Charms.
- put his feel up on your couch without asking if it's cool.
- call your dog fat.
- tell Ellen Hickle that you can't dance, right before you asked her to dance.
- say that 8 Mile should have won an Oscar.
- call Jay Leno and Tim Allen his favorite comedians.
- wear cubic zirconias and try to pass them off as real.
- buy a $10 supermarket gift card as his Secret Santa present.
- front about everything.
January 8, 2010
January 7, 2010
Check this out.
And Javale McGee is just smiling it up in the background. This is getting scary, guys. I never took Javaris Crittenton to be a 'point a gun at a teammate' type, but apparently he is that type. There's an old saying that goes, "You just never know with guys named Javaris." That seems applicable here. He's also not great at insults because "I'll shoot you in your surgically repaired knee" is pretty wackintosh.