My Entire Birthday Wish List

I was recently asked what I want for my birthday this year. Christmas has just passed, so I really have no idea what else I could possibly ask for. I've wanted the Penny 2s since I was in eighth grade, and as I type they're on my feet.

I have all the seasons of The Office (UK and US) and Arrested Development. I even got a grill this year. Sure, it'd be nice to have every season of The Wire, but I've got to rewatch seasons 1 and 2 before I'm even worried about those. I've got a wife, a house, and a cat named Boots. A man couldn't ask for more.

Or so I thought.

Recently Mr. Larry Hughes decided he wouldn't mind being traded from the Bulls. You know who else wouldn't mind? The Bulls. And you know who else? Everyone. I'm sure you've heard of them. They make up every person on the planet.

Now, I'm not one to disparage Larry for the work he's done for his family, which is commendable. He's even been a fairly good teammate this year, especially while he was injured. And of course there's his contributions to the Foundation for Men with Small Craniums. All of these are great, great things that make Larry Hughes harder to hate.

I'm not a superstitious man, but this year's trade deadline is on my birthday and it seems a little too perfect that my all-time least favorite player of all time could be traded then. So this is what I want for my birthday; for John Paxson to wait just a little bit. Trade Larry Hughes on my birthday. That's not too much to ask, right?

Choose Your Own Adventure

SO MANY great options for a caption to this picture that I can't just pick one. Ergo, here's a few choices:

a) This picture would be so much cooler in the year 2000.

b) Ranking levels of irrelevance from left to right.

c) Behind the scenes action from the recent Excessively Groomed Facial Hair Quarterly cover shoot.

d) Drew Gooden + Larry Hughes = Common

e) Provide your own.

Things to Yell at Larry Hughes, Now That He's in Chicago

At first, I was pretty upset that I had to share a state with Larry Hughes. He is without a doubt my least favorite player in the history of the NBA. However, I quickly realized that I now get to heckle Larry Hughes! Howie and I have started a short list of insults that would be perfect to yell at Larry Hughes from the stands of the United Center.

Howie: "Hey Larry Hughes! Your shot's so bad, YOU SHOT LIKE LARRY HUGHES AHHAHAHAHAHAHAH"
me: LARRY HUGES YOU OWE ME 11 DOLLARS
Howie: LARRY HUGHES MY CLOCK DOESN'T WORK, IT'S PROBABLY YOUR FAULT
me: THAT NELLY SONG SUCKED LARRY HUGHES
Howie: JOHN HUGHES IS ASHAMED HE SHARES THE SAME LAST NAME AS YOU
me: DOES AND1 EVEN GIVE YOU FREE SHOES ANYMORE?????
Howie: OMG THAT EPISODE OF LOST WAS AMAZING! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, BUT I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW MY FEELINGS TOWARDS THAT SHOW
me: LARRY HUGHES, DON'T RUIN LOST FOR ME
Howie: PSSST! HEY LARRY HUGHES, COME OVER HERE.. YEAH, HERE!! OH, NOTHING, I JUST WANTED YOU TO BE AWAY FROM THE ACTION THUS NEGATING A CHANCE FOR YOU TO PUT UP A BAD SHOT!!!
me: LAWRENCE HUGHES, WHAT IS MITTELOS BIOSCIENCE????

Howie: YO LH! I CAN TOTALLY D YOU UP BY JUST SITTING HERE, BURN!
me: LEBRON HATES YOU AND YOUR SMALL HEAD

Please, add your suggestions below.

And Now a Message From the Foundation for Men with Small Craniums

Hi, I'm Larry Hughes. You might know me as a professional basketball player for the Cleveland Cavaliers, or for my time spent with the Wizards, Warriors, and 76ers, or possibly from that one Nelly video. What you might not know is that I've recently started the Foundation for Men with Small Craniums (FMSC). You see, ever since I was noticed at Saint Louis University, I've had to deal with taunts from opposing fans because my head looks way too small for my body. The FMSC seeks to raise awareness for people suffering from this all too common affliction. Let's hear some testimonies from fellow NBA players.

Marvin Williams

It's the strangest thing. Back when I was at the University of North Carolina, my head looked enormous. However, now that I've had a couple years of NBA strength training, people think I've got a tiny head. Believe me, it hasn't changed and there's nothing I can do about it. The Foundation for Men with Small Craniums has taught me that just because my head might look tiny, doesn't mean I'm small as a person.

Tim Thomas

I've heard it all. Pinhead. Peanut. Guy from Men In Black. They hurt. Do you know how hard it is to find a size 6 3/4 fitted to match my AF1s? Believe me, I wish my head was normal sized. I really do, but the reality is that it's not. Inside this miniscule head of mine, there's a full-sized brain with full-sized feelings. I'm glad to be a part of what the FMSC is trying to do, teaching communities that us with small heads can still be big winners.

Thanks, Marvin and Tim. You see, those of us cursed with such small heads really do hear your jeers. However, through our work, the FMSC hopes to spread the word about this unfortunate situation, so that people can understand that our small heads don't define us. They serve as a badge of honor, that we can overcome anything, if we can overcome this stigma.

The Foundation for Men with Small Craniums. Little heads, big hearts.