Darius Songaila Supports Dunking

Ohhvkaay, Vadon. Make zis doonk shot. I vill give you hand wif making of doonk. Seence you are faht mahn vith faht neck, I vill helpt to leeft you off ze grounds.

Niiiiiiice ahnd easee weeth ze doonk. Joost make a tall jump and make zay doonk.

Oh wows, Vadon. You are un GIRTHY man, Vadon. I cahn barley leeft.

I keed. I keed. Of corpse Daryus cahn leeft. Strenf!

Bot vreally, you shood mah-be loose some of yore weight, Vadon. Note goot fors yours hart.

How to Stand in the NBA: A Primer

It's probably a scientific fact that some NBA players maybe spend about one-third of a basketball game standing around. Between fouls, twenty-second timeouts, and being Roko Ukic, this seems like a fair estimate that should be considered truth. This doesn't even count time on the bench, where players such as Adam Morrison, Bill Walker, and Roko Ukic have mastered the art of standing. In fact, there have probably been petitions to rename the league the NBaaSA, which would stand (zinger) for National Basketball and also Standing Association. Because of all the standing, this makes sense.

As such, The Blowtorch has put together a quick guide to standing in the NBaaSA. It's pretty simple, really. Here's what the New York Knicks have to say about standing.

David Lee: "Just stand and like put your hands on your hips. Maybe think about a Vampire Weekend song."
Wilson Chandler: "Yeah, what David said. I chew my mouthguard because I'm really weird and have two last names that sometimes people use as first names. I hated Home Improvement."
Al Harrington: "Psssssht. Home Improvement was my jam. Zachary Ty Bryant was hilarious."
David Lee: "Learn how to stand. Both hands on hips."
Wilson Chandler: "Heidy-ho, neighbor."

Thanks guys. David Lee basically nailed it. To successfully stand in the NBA, you just stand like a normal person, but you add in the hands on hips thing because when you're wearing shorts you don't have pockets to put your hands in. If you don't put your hands on your hips, Tony Parker will laugh at you.

"Eh, Keef Bogan, poot ze hands on ze heeps, mon frere. Eet make-a for-a clehn-a seeeloooeeet."

With the proper training, anyone can learn how to stand. The Indiana Pacers have recently launched a community outreach program where they reach out to members of the community to teach them how to stand. Here we see Josh McRoberts teaching an elderly man how to stand. As you can see, he's got a couple of his teammates with him to help demonstrate.

"DUDE JUST PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS. DO YOU LIKE MASTODON? THEY'RE INSANE. YOU CAN BORROW MY MINIDISC PLAYER IF YOU WANT SOMETIME. LET'S GO SEE AVATAR TOGETHER. I LIKE YOUR TIE BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE AVATAR. WEAR IT TO THE THEATER WHEN WE GO SEE AVATAR. THE USHERS WILL LIKE IT AND WE CAN SIT IN THE FRONT ROW AND GET CHURROS."

It's that easy. Now that you know how to stand, try it around the house. To be an NBA caliber stander, you need to practice. The best standers in the league (Roko Ukic, for example) spend up to eight hours a day doing standing training in the offseason. If you want to catch up, double that. Soon enough, you'll be standing with the best. Good luck.

PROTIP: The "aa" in NBaaSA is pronounced "aaahhhh" like drinking a ginger ale. So, the entire abbreviation is pronounced "EN BEE aaahhhh ESS AY."

Tony Parker Rides a Scooter

Eva! You muss old on tights to ze Tonay! Ees vare dangeruse to vriding on ze street and to not old on to ze waist of Tonay. But do no worry, Evas. Tonay es a pro. Not like-a that Monty Ellees who hass nayvare seen ze streets of Parree by motorbike.

Oh, so beautifool, ze streets of Parree. Tonay love-a ze streets of Parree. Espayshully by ze motorbike. Tonay grew up on motorbike. So many time Tonay go to ze bistro to get ze baguette on ze motorbike.

Ze key, Evas, make-a sure zat you smile so beeg. Smile as beeg as you can make smile. I make-a sure to get you helmeet zat shows-a yo face. Tonay always thinking.

Tim Duncan Has Something To Show You

Hello.

I am Tim.

Oh, you noticed those banners? I must apologize. I did not mean for them to be so prominently displayed.

But since you mentioned it, yes, I did help win those banners.

I suppose you are correct, it is impressive to have so many championship banners in a single space. Thank you for your kind words.

(eyes bulge)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT'S A FOUL?! I WAS JUST STANDING HERE WITH MY ARMS UP!!!

(raises arms above head, jaw drops)

SEE! I'M STILL DOING THIS!! THIS IS NOT A FOUL!! I AM TIM DUNCAN!! THIS IS NOT A FOULING TIM DUNCAN!!!

(returns arms to side and regains composure)

I am beyond sorry that you had to witness that heinous act. I cannot believe that a referee would assume that I, Tim Duncan, would commit such a foul. Nonetheless, thank you for noticing my titles.

Tim Duncan.

Titles.

Tim Duncan.

Tim Duncan.

(robot noises)

TITLEBOT 21 READY TO PERFORM MISSION. BANK SHOT CALCULATING.

(jab steps 100 times, whirling noises)

BANK SHOT CALCULATED. BANK SHOT ENGAGED. RELEASE.

(shoots precision bank shot, beeping noises)

Tim Duncan.

Titles.

(robot noises)

Titles Duncan.

(robot noises)

Tim Titles.

Tim Duncan.

(robot noises)

Hello.

I am Tim.

Oh, you noticed those banners? I must apologize. I did not mean for them to be so prominently displayed.

Tony Parker Apologizes

Oh, JoHAHN, Tonay Parcare ees a jus a keeedings weeth you. Ees like I make a ze joke for laugh and to laugh. Ees not a serious.

Sacre bleu, JoHAHN! I vreally do sink zat your widdle hairspray coach Scoot Brook lukes good. You know zat Tonay like-a the hairs spray. Tonay's wife LOVE-a ze hairs spray. Please forgives the Tonay. I-a don't mean for to hurt-a your feeling.

But about ze Scoot Brook, why he never let you make point JoHAHN? Does not Scoot Brook know zat ze French love-a to make point? And ze French love-a to pass ze ball. Luke at Borees. He only like-a to pass ze ball. Tell Scoot Brook zat JoHAHN need to pass-a ze ball.

Please forgives Tonay Parcare, JoHAHN. I make it up to you. Come weeth to my villa tonight, Johan. Tonay's wife Eefa vill be theres. Maybe she call her Ahmareekun friend Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher LOVE Tonay, so she love Johan too.

The Spurs Diagram Their Final Play

Roger Mason: Ummm....coach....are you sure you want me taking this shot? I'm happy to take it, it's just a little weird that you're asking me. Just hold up one finger if you want me to shoot it.Gregg Popovich: I wouldn't have called the play if I didn't want you to shoot it. Also, I'm still bearded. I'm wise. I'm WISE! So, I guess, let's see...(raises finger). There, good?

Roger Mason: Yeah, cool. Just like me. I was just surprised. Tim, do you think this makes sense?

Tim Duncan: (robot noises) BEEEP BOOP BOP BEEP...CALCULATING...ROGER MASON BALL SHOOT CONFIRMED BEEP BOOP (robot noises)Tony Parker: He shood zhoot zee ball, no? Zees Vrogers Mason vith hees Charlie Oakley hairs, must-a make-a zee three. Oui?

Eva Longoria: I'm useless.

Tony Parker: BAGUETTE!

Roger Mason: Here goes nothing.

(shot falls)

Whoa, sweet. It went in. No more, Junior!

Tim Duncan: (robot noises) BEEEP NOW COMMENCING SMILE....SMILE INITIATED (robot noises)

1000 Words: Meanwhile, at Spurs Practice...

Gregg Popovich (second from right, striped shirt) looks on while the Spurs prepare for the Houston rockets.

image via Kottke

Mike D'Antoni is Dismayed

Are you kidding me? What do I have to do to beat the Spurs?! I mean, seriously, what? This is getting ridiculous. I hate those guys. It's stupid. UGH! I hate my life.

Let's run down the list of reasons that I shouldn't have lost this game:

a) the Spurs suck right now. I coach the God-forsaken New York Knicks and WE HAVE A BETTER RECORD! The Knicks. My team. Better record than the Spurs and we still lost.

b) Balki isn't playing. I hate that no good, flopping, balding piece of garbage but at least then I can understand why I'd lose. But Roger Mason, Jr.? Gimme a break.

c) The smelly Frenchie isn't playing. I still don't get how Tony Parker's the French one, while Jacque Vaughn is an American but whatever. He's out too!

d) My mustache is WAY sexier than Popovich's old-timey Civil War beard. He looks like a fat Donald Sutherland.

I can't figure it out. I mean, it's definitely NOT my system. People wrote books about how good this thing is. Does Castaway have books written about his system? Didn't think so. Oh great. He's coming over here. Play it cool, Mike.




Hey, Coach! Great to see you! Oh, you guys looked great tonight. Great, great game. I hope Tony and Manu get healthy. I'd hate to see you guys without them for too long. And let me say, I LOVE your beard. It looks excellent. Well, gotta run. Good luck this year.

(whispering as Popovich walks away)
I hate you so much.

An In-Depth Conversation Betwixt Don Draper and Tim Duncan

Matt Bonner is a Legit Celebrity Spokesman

I'm pretty busy saving the United States economy today, so there won't be much happening here. However, I'd HIGHLY recommend that you enjoy this vignette of two Matt Bonner commercials for a San Antonio-area car dealership. He looks like my friend's dad, but in a generic basketball uniform.

Roll that beautiful Bonner footage.

Salim Stoudamire's First Press Conference

Hi, guys. As you probably already know, I've been acquired by the Spurs. I just wanted to take my time to introduce myself to the people of San Antonio and my teammates.

The first thing I want to say is, I'm open. All the time. I'm open right now, in fact. Even though sometimes it might look like I'm guarded, trust me -- I'm open.

I don't know how it always happens, but for whatever reason, I'm always open. I wake up in the morning -- open. I get up in the middle of the night to pee -- open. I'm driving down the block with my Low End Theory tape in -- open. So basically, just get me the rock.

This brings me to my second point. My shooting range is unfathomable. Whenever I touch the ball, the shot is something I'm comfortable with. For instance, one time at Atlanta last year, I was on the bench, but we were shooting at the other basket. A ball got tipped out of bounds and I caught it. Even though I was on the bench, on the other side of the floor, I could have hit that shot. Of course, I was open.

Remember those shirts in the Eastbay catalogs from like 10 years ago? The ones that said something like "my range starts when I enter the gym" or something like that? I bought every single one of those shirts in both colors. You know why? Because it's true. Kind of. My range starts when I see a basketball hoop anywhere. That's my shot. No worries.

In closing, I'd like to thank the people of San Antonio for welcoming me to your fine state. I'd also like to remind you that I'm open.

Thank you.

Inner Thoughts with Tony Parker

Hey guyss, ees me, Tonay Parcare. Lass nigh was a crassees game. Tonay vas happies. Tonay vas sneakies!

A-luke at Tonay being sneakiess. Tonay make Spurs a-veen by tventy point. UH HUH HUH BAGUETTE! Tonay like-a baguette!

But-a zen, sings, zey get-a vorse. Datta make Tonay ahngree. Tonay does-a not like loosing.

See! Tonay Parcare is-a varry, varry ahngree. And vhen Tonay Parcare gess ahngree, Tonay Parcare gess sad. Varry sads.How did-a Tonay Parcare a-loos that-a game? Vhat a deesapointments.

Oh vell. Tonay's got hees baguettes ahd hees camemberts. Maybe you want-a to sex-a hees wife? Go head, sex-a Tonay's vife! She bootyfull but Tonay too sad for ze sexing. If you no sex-a Tonay's wife, maybe Crease Paul vill...

Muxtape Quiz, part 1

I entered the FreeDarko Muxtape Madness with this Spurs tape. Each song represents one of San Antonio's rotation players. Check out the songs and decipher which song is which player. Leave your answers in the comments.

• I'm Glad I Hitched My Apple Wagon to Your Star - The Boy Least Likely To
• Frenchy, I'm Faking - Architecture in Helsinki
• The Underdog - Spoon
• Kick, Push - Lupe Fiasco
• Rich Kid Blues - the Raconteurs
• Long Slow Goodbye - Queens Of The Stone Age
• Of Angels and Angles - the Decemberists
• Business Time - Flight of the Conchords
• The Dirty Dirty - Tapes 'n Tapes
• Say Hello (To The Bad Guy) - Jay Z

Found Item: San Antonio Spurs Game 7 Gameplan

This was sent to me early this morning, allegedly found at the Spurs practice facility:

Chris and Tony, Friends Forever

Tony Parker: Ey-uh, Crease, I vreally like-a yore floata. Ees bootyfull. Ees berry BERRY sexies.


Chris Paul: Ummm, uh, thanks Tony.


Tony Parker: Yes, Crease, ees a so bootyfull. I-ah wanna oose ze floata too. Das okay, yes?


Chris Paul: Yeah. Right on. Whatever, man.


Tony Parker: Oh, Crease Paul. So genruss. So nice. BAGUETTE!


Chris Paul: .....


Tony Parker: You don't-a want-a baguette? You don't-a like-a baguette? Das alright, Tonay Parcare jussa stand-a like you, Crease Paul. I standa just like-a ze bootyfull Crease Paul. Too sexies!


Chris Paul: .....


Tony Parker: You wanta to sex-a my wife?

Impromptu Liveblog - Suns vs. Spurs Game 3

The Weakest Link: San Antonio Spurs

Someone, possibly St. Thomas Aquinas, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the San Antonio Spurs and Matt Bonner…

Matt Bonner is basically Brian Scalabrine enhanced. He can kinda shoot threes, he can kinda rebound, and he has red hair. Ergo, Matt Bonner is essentially Brian Scalabrine’s doppelganger.

From everything that I’ve ever heard, if you are to ever meet your perfect doppelganger you will spontaneously explode. If that happens with Scalabrine and Bonner, neither San Antonio nor Boston will be that disappointed.

Fun Facts:
Nicknamed “the Red Rocket”…favorite food is a turkey sub…father is a postman and mother is an elementary school teacher…favorite musical artist is Dead Prez…owns 14% of Casino Rama in Toronto…member of Screen Actors Guild…once ate 13 goldfish at a county fair

Proof That Matt Bonner Has Signed Autographs:

(tee-A-go SPLIT-er)

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Tiago SplitterStrengths: athletic big man, smoove in da post, fantastical passer, amazing name

Weaknesses: doesn't score a ton, not a wonderful defender, probably injury prone

NBA Comparison (best-case): Brad Miller
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Jeff Foster
NBA Comparison (most likely): P.J. Brown

NBA FINALS, CAPITALIZEDEDEDEDED

On today’s Basketball Jones podcast, Skeets and Tas have just about every big sports blogger call in and make their prediction about the NBA Finals. They all predict the Spurs and I’m in the same boat. No matter how good Le-Bro is, his supporting cast just isn’t good enough to help him overcome San Antonio.

Dan Shanoff off-handedly mentions that this Cavaliers team is similar to Allen Iverson’s 76ers squad that stole a game from the Lakers back in 2001, and I had been thinking the same thing all morning. Here areach team's rotation (only players who play significant minutes):

2001 Philadephia 76ers
Allen Iverson
Aaron McKie
Dikembe Mutumbo
Eric Snow
Tyrone Hill
Jumaine Jones
George Lynch

2007 Cleveland Cavaliers
LeBron James
Larry Hughes
Zydrunas Ilguaskas
Sasha Pavlovic
Drew Gooden
Donyell Marshall
Anderson Varejao
Daniel Gibson
Eric Snow


As you can see, these two teams are eerily similar (Eric Snow is still terrible). Both teams are designed around the concept that their defense will be good enough that their star can win the game. Both teams are full of staunch defenders who rely heavily on the play-making ability of Iverson or James. Both teams have a coach with the last name Brown.

Looking back, it’s surprising how bad that 76ers team really was. Seriously, they don’t have a single jump-shooter in the bunch. Mutumbo was only elbows and an indecipherable accent at that point, and Tyrone Hill, Jumaine Jones, and George Lynch all sound like randomly generated names from NBA Live. At least Larry Brown had the good sense to keep Todd MacCullough, Kevin Ollie, and pre-skills Raja Bell on the bench for the majority of the series. It’s really shows how amazing and competitive Allen Iverson was that he could steal a game (on the road!) against Shaq and Kobe. However, I’m still not convinced that LeBron James is as intense as Allen Iverson; and for Cleveland to have any chance this series he needs to play like he did to close out Game 5.

At best, I can see Cleveland winning games 3 and 4 at home. Sure, Le-Bro could go completely bonky and destroy everything in his path and the Cavs could pull off an enormous upset, but I can’t imagine San Antonio letting that happen. LeBron’s midrange game is still suspect and that’s how to beat the Spurs. I’m taking the Spurs in 5 with Cleveland winning game 3.

Peace Out, Detroit

So it’s Spurs-Cavs in the Finals. I suppose that’s for the best. San Antonio is awesome to watch and appreceiate basketball in a very geometric way. Cleveland has LeBron, Boobie, and that’s about it. Still anything is better than suffering through another Detroit series.

Detroit is that very rare team that has nothing to interest me. Rasheed Wallace used to be one of my favorite players, but all the excitement is gone from his game. You know he’s going to drift outside and jack threes, you know he’s going to freak out, and you know he’ll play pretty good defense. Zzzzzzzzz. The only other player of any consequence to me is Jason Maxiell, and his playing time is impossible to count on. I like that when he gets the ball he tries to tear the rim off, but you can’t really count on him at all. Delfino can be exciting, but I don’t care. Rip and Chauncey are boring unless they’re shooting half-court shots, and Webber and McDyess are just depressing.

So farewell Detroit Pistons. It was nice when you beat the Lakers in 2004, but since then you’ve done nothing for me. At least you don’t have those horrible uniforms anymore.