EXCLUSIVE: Crittenton Points a Gun at Arenas

Whoa. I was just reviewing the tape I acquired through shady underground connections. I don't know how I missed it the first time I watched, but things are getting worse.

Check this out.
And Javale McGee is just smiling it up in the background. This is getting scary, guys. I never took Javaris Crittenton to be a 'point a gun at a teammate' type, but apparently he is that type. There's an old saying that goes, "You just never know with guys named Javaris." That seems applicable here. He's also not great at insults because "I'll shoot you in your surgically repaired knee" is pretty wackintosh.

EXCLUSIVE: Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton Gun Fight Pictures

Through my shady underground connections I got my hands on the footage from the locker room when Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton dropped guns on each other. It wasn't easy to obtain, but the good part is that these stills I captured from that fateful night prove that this wasn't that big of a deal. Here's how the events played out.

First, Arenas pulled out one of his guns.

Not wanting to be punked, Crittenton responded in turn.

After they realized how silly they were being, they got over it and gathered around for a picture to squash the beef. Crittenton even disarmed himself, trading his gun for some throwing stars.

See, it's no big thing. Just a couple of bros with guns in the locker room. They were even smiling the whole time.

Case closed.

Flip Saunders Coaches DeShawn Stevenson

Hey DeShawn. Just wanted to let you know that you have several tattoos on your neck. One of them is Abraham Lincoln.

Oh, and there's a couple on your face too. Tattoos. On your face. Just reminding you.

One more thing, you were a -25 tonight. Yeah, the Heat scored 25 more points than us when you were on the court. Not great. The whole "defensive stopper" thing wasn't really happening, I guess. Next time.

But mostly, I just wanted to remind you about the tattoos that are on your neck and face, because those are still there.

Thanks, DeShawn.

Things I Would Say If I Ever Encountered DeShawn Stevenson

Photo via Truth About It

• "Oh, hey. You're DeShawn Stevenson."
• "Wow. There's a tattoo on your throat."
• "I bet that hurt."
• "Is that Abe Lincoln?"
• "Hmmm..."
• "Oh, there's a crack on your forehead."
• "What's that about?"
• "So, you don't crack, but you got a crack tattoo?"
• "I'm kinda confused."
• "You're saying the only way you crack is if you decide to crack yourself with ink?"
• "I guess it kinda makes sense when you put it that way."
• "What about in the winter, when your skin is really dry? I crack like crazy then."
• "Chapstick helps."
• "Not sure I get the 9 on your face."
• "No, that's not right."
• "No matter how far away I am, it's still a 9."
• "Seriously."
• "It's still a 9 from here."
• "I really don't get your tattoos."
• "Anyways, nice to meet you. Good luck with your face and neck tattoos."

Caron Butler, I'm Just Like You

We both wear hats. Of course.

Hey, Caron Butler, I get it. The whole "giving up pop because someone wants you to" thing. It's not very much fun is it? I mean, yeah, you sleep better. And you don't get that raw feeling in your mouth from drinking too much. But it's still definitely not the best.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting something out of it. If I don't drink pop (or eat junk food) from now until September 9th, my wife is going to buy me The Beatles: Rock Band. I'm guessing you have the same sort of deal with the Wizards, only you'll probably get several thousand dollars in a bonus. Same thing, basically.

Since I heard the news, I've been thinking a lot about how we're very similar, and it's not just the pop thing. For instance, I bet kids called you "Carry-On" because it sounded like your name. That's exactly like when I used to get called "Gay Trey." Rhyming is universal. And remember how you chew on straws (of course you do -- you're you)? I used to do that too.

Oh, and of course, there's the main similarity between our vocations. You play basketball nine months out of the year and make millions of dollars. I make less than a tenth of that sitting at a desk day in and day out. See the similarity? We're both employed in this economy. It's amazing how much the same we are.

So next time you're in Chicago to play the Bulls, give me a call. We can do something that bros like us like to do. Maybe we can go buy some things that are super expensive, or go watch the new Quentin Tarantino movie (you like him, too? I knew it!). You know, stuff for us kinda guys. We'll think of something, I'm sure. Just no pop.

1000 Words: Washington's Newest Point Guard

Times are tough in Washington. They've won seven games. They've already fired a coach. Gilbert is out, with no real return date. DeShawn Stevenson insists on wearing a bowtie. It's not a great situation.

But trust me, Mateen Cleaves is NOT the answer.

The Blowtorch Presents ... Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Wherein:

• A new co-host is introduced.
• Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
• Trades are discussed.
• Eric Snow is addressed.
• Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
  

Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

The Potential Grizzlies/Wizards Trade Explained

Supposedly, the Grizzlies are considering trading Javaris Crittenton to the Wizards for a conditional draft pick that they used to have which was traded for Juan Carlos Navarro who is no longer in the NBA. If that sentence seems confusing, it's because it is. The trade and the sentence.

Luckily for the world, I've created this high quality, extremely detailed diorama of the paths that these players and draft pick has travelled since 2007.

THE GREAT WIZZLIE* SWAP

*Grizzard was considered, but rejected due to the additional confusion that may be caused by former Wizards swingman Rod Grizzard

Ballin in Space

Ballin in Spain

Ballin in Spa-ee-ain

Whatcha doin' out there teams?

Chris Paul:

That's pretty freaky, Wizards.

Is it cold out in Spain, Wizards?

David West:

You can borrow my jumper if you like, Wizards.

Caron Butler:

Does the cold of Spain make your nipples get pointy, Hornets?

Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae to transmit data back to Stern?

I bet you do, you freaky old bastards, you.

Do you have one really funky sequin jump suit, Hornets?

Or do you have several ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?

David West:
Do you smoke grass out in Spain, Wizards?

Or do they smoke Astroturf?

Chris Paul:

Receiving transmission from Caron Butler’s nipple antennae

Do you read me, Caron Butler?

I said, do you read me, Caron Butler?

David West:

This is Hornets to Wizards.
Do you hear me out there, Wiz?

Caron Butler:

This is Wizards back to Hornets.
I read you loud and clear, Buzz.

All three:

OH YEAH MAN!

Chris Paul:

Your signal's weak on my radar screen, How far out are you, man?

Caron Butler:

I'm pretty far out.

All three:

That's pretty far out, man!

Caron Butler:

Oh-ah-oh

I'm orbiting Bilbao

Oh-ah-ohh oh oh

I'm drawn in by its Groovitational

Groovitational pull, I'm jamming out with the Juan Dixonauts
And they think it's pretty cool man.

OOOHHH-AHHHH

Chris Paul:

Are you okay, Wizards, what was that sound?

Caron Butler:

I don't know, man, I have to turn my team around Oh, it's the craziest scene.

David West:

Yeah, I'm picking it up on my NBA screen

Caron Butler:

Can you see the blogosphere ringing?

Both:

To the choir of Ely-nauts singing
Hornets in space
Hornets
Hornets
Hornets
Hornets
Hornets
Hornets
Wizards in space
Wizards
Wizards
Wizards
Wizards
Wizards
Wizards

Eenie, ma-ma-meenie mynie mowie

(Caron Butler: Set your phasers on funky)

Eenie, ma-ma-ma-meenie mynie mowie

B-b-b-b-b-ballin in Spain

Inspired by this. Obviously.

Gilbert Arenas's Engagement Story

When Gilbert got engaged, he was a little nervous. Sure, he knew Laura would say yes, but he'd never asked anyone to marry him before. He'd spent quite a bit of money on his lady's ring, and wanted her to like it. No, he wanted her to love it.

Laura had been pestering him for months to take her to the local state park. However, their schedules hadn't been able to find them any sort of time to get out to the park. Knee surgery is time-consuming! Finally, Gil took Laura to the park.

As Gil and Laura walked throughout the park, Gil made sure to keep the ring hidden. He'd keep his hand in his pocket or try to keep Laura on the opposide side of the ring box. Thankfully, a chill was in the air, so this wasn't a particularly unusual behavior.

When Gil and Laura finally made their way to Lover's Leap, Gil knew it was time. Surprisingly, most of the other patrons passed by, leaving Gil and Laura alone on a bench. While Gil and Laura sat side-by-side, Gil dropped to a knee, opened his ring box, and said, "Laura, I love you, will you marry me?"

"SHUT UP!" Laura replied, "Are you serious?"

"Uhhh...yeah. This is your ring," Gil stammered.

"Well, DUH I'll marry you!" Laura exclaimed.

Laura and Gil then kissed. Though it wasn't the smoothest transaction, Gil knew that Laura was exactly what he wanted, someone just as silly as him.

The Weakest Link: Washington Wizards

Someone, possibly Xavier McDaniel, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Washington Wizards and Dominic McGuire…

It's hard for me to muster up a lot of ridicule for Dominic McGuire since he seems like a pretty funny guy. His exploits with fellow rookie Nick Young are fairly well-known across Blogfrica. Nonetheless, I must soldier on.

Peep Dominic's official NBA bio, it won't take long. As you can see, there isn't anything there. He's such a non-factor that even the NBA doesn't really care. Thankfully, the Blowtorch has uncovered the hard-hitting facts below.

Fun Facts:

Along with Nick Young, rents a house from Gilbert Arenas...one of 7 children, all who have the name "Nic(k)" in their names...aspires to be a hand model...favorite movie is "24 Hour Party People"...sleeps with more than 30 stuffed animals

Proof That Dominic McGuire Has Played in an NBA Game:

Real E-Mails: Antawn Jamison

Last night, I got the following email from a kind fellow:

Subject: Antwain Jamison [sic]
Body: He looks like a black homer simpson

If I'm getting random e-mails comparing players to cartoon characters, I must be doing something right.

Miami Can't Catch a Break

Seen in last night's Coca-Cola "Republicans and Democrats are Friends!" commercial (about 50 seconds in, after the "Arenas" game-winner):

Nick Young Is NOT Thaddeus Young's Brother

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Nick Young

Strengths: great scorer, decent rebounder, good range, tough as nails
Weaknesses: questionable focus, not a huge fan of defense


NBA Comparison (best-case): Rip Hamilton
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Ron Mercer
NBA Comparison (most likely): Jamal Crawford