March 31, 2008

Steve Nash - Canada's Basketball Savior

10 years later: results inconclusive

March 28, 2008

Nellie Teaches Monta Defense

Hands up like this Coach?



Ay carumba.

1000 Words - Lakers Girl

You might think the main attraction of this picture is the Lakers girl, but you're wrong. The guy on the bottom left is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

March 27, 2008

Sorry, Damien Wilkins

Back in November, I boldly declared Damien Wilkins my least favorite player in the NBA. I even implied that the only way I could accept him as an actual Wilkins was if he got a high-top fade.
He didn't. But Brandon Jennings did.

In order to protect the Wilkins basketball legacy, I'm calling for the excommunication of Damien from the Wilkins family with Brandon Jennings taking his place. He's currently projected to go eighth in the 2009 draft, so there is time. With good fortune, Brandon Wilkins will be projected to go eighth in the NBA draft.

March 26, 2008

David Thorpe Makes a Salient Point

Senor Paroxysm pointed me (and you, probably) to David Thorpe's article where he says which rookies should study which established NBAsters. It is suggested that Joakim Noah learn from Dirk Nowitzki, and judging by the jump shots that each man employs, I'd say Thorpe is on to something.

March 25, 2008

Andres and Jim Share an Intimate Moment

Jim Boylan: Ummmm, Andres…I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you the other night. It’s just so hard to keep it together now that Ben and Adrian are gone. I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Andres Nocioni: No me importa, Coach. Eso fue realmente significa.

JB: I don’t know what you said, but I really am sorry.

AN: No puedo creer que todavía no han aprendido rudimentario español. Hemos estado aquí durante cuatro años.

JB: Andres, I told you before, baby, I don’t habla the Spanish.

AN: Lo sé.

JB: But seriously, with the old fellas gone, I need you more than ever.

AN: Sí.

JB: Can everything be okay with us? Can we just get back to the good times?

AN: Sí.

JB: I can’t stay mad at you. Look at you!

AN: Gracias, entrenador.

JB: C’mere, Andy. I can call you Andy, right?

AN: Prefiero que no.

Boylan kisses Nocioni on the head.

JB: Heh. That’s how you guys do it in Europe right?

AN: Argentina se encuentra en América del Sur.

JB: I'm coming to Europe. We can share an apartment.

March 24, 2008

Best of the 1991 NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Please watch this fantastic video from the '91 Slam Dunk Contest for the following reasons:

  • In the words of my friend Murph, "listen to the music in the background... and why are Rex Chapman's spandex way longer than his shorts?"
  • Every competitor has a high-top fade, including obvious White Guy Rex Chapman.
  • A Shawn Kemp sighting.
  • A Dee Brown sighting.
  • Kenny Smith playing basketball.
  • Shawn Kemp doing the same dunk that Rex Chapman did, right after Rex Chapman did it, then proceeding to do that same dunk another 2 times.
  • Dee Brown's shoes.
  • Magic Johnson making the same jokes that he made during this year's contest.

March 21, 2008

Draft Watching - Friday Games

I don’t know if you know this, but the NCAA tournament started yesterday, but since this web log is concerned with the NBA, perhaps you’d be interested in the draft prospects you can get a chance to look at today.

12:15 EST – American vs. Tennessee
The Volunteers have like 9 guys who have the last name Smith. The best of them is Tyler, who is projected to go in the first round this summer. Chris Lofton is very good at college basketball but won’t do much in the NBA, just like Trajan Langdon, with whom he shares a haircut.

12:25 EST - Davidson vs. Gonzaga
The big story here is Davidson’s Stephen Curry, son of former Hornet legend Dell Curry. However, the best draft prospect is Jeremy Pargo of Gonzaga whose brother, Jannero, is a current Hornet Legend.

12:30 EST – Western Kentucky vs. Drake
Courtney Lee from Western Kentucky is supposed to be good, but that’s according to the internet.

2:35 EST – UMBC vs. Georgetown
Last summer, a huge center that looked 30 years older than he really was went number one overall. This year, Roy Hibbert (who may be 43) will go in the late lottery.

2:45 EST – San Diego vs. Connecticut
Hasheem Thabeet looks like a gigantic version of Wallace from The Wire. Oh, and he’s really good at blocking shots. He’ll go in the first round. His teammate, AJ Price, is projected to go in the first round next year.

2:50 EST – Austin Peay vs. Texas
Texas point guard DJ Augustin is a likely lottery selection. He played with Kevin Durant last year, but they couldn’t get out of the second round. That’s how bad of a coach Rick Barnes is.

7:10 EST – St. Joseph’s vs. Oklahoma
Huge white guys always do well in the NBA, so in no way will a team be disappointed after they use a 2009 lottery pick on Oklahoma’s Blake Griffin. Whatever lucky team gets to pick him will surely be rewarded.

7:20 EST – Siena vs. Vanderbilt
My mom keeps trying to convince me that Shan is a good name, but I think it can easily be added to SML’s “Most Gender Ambiguous Names” list. Regardless, Vanderbilt’s Shan Foster is very good; he should be a first rounder. Vandy’s other star, Andrew Ogilvy, should go first round next year.

7:25 EST - Oregon vs. Mississippi State
Four possible second rounders play in this game (Malik Hairston, Maarty Leunen, Bryce Taylor, and Jamont Gordon). Neat.

9:30 EST – Indiana vs. Arkansas
Eric Gordon is the real deal. He’s going lottery this summer. Indiana isn’t really sure if they’re happy about this; because, ya know, their program is going to be destroyed because of him.

9:30 EST – Boise State vs. Louisville
Louisville has four potential NBAsters (Derrick Caracter, Earl Clark, David Padgett, and Terrence Williams) so they should blow the Broncos out easily. In semi-related news, I beat my friend in NCAA Football 2004 with Boise State so he had to eat a whole raw potato.

9:40 EST – UT-Arlington vs. Memphis
Derrick Rose is extremely good (lottery). Chris Douglas-Roberts is very good (mid-first round). Joey Dorsey is pretty good (early second round).

March 20, 2008

Draft Watching - Thursday Games

Supposedly the NCAA tournament begins tonight, but since this web log is concerned with the NBA, perhaps you’d be interested in the draft prospects you can get a chance to look at today.

12:25 EST – Portland State vs. Kansas
Kansas features two projected first round picks in Darrell Arthur and Mario Chalmers, plus two second round picks in Brandon Rush and Darnell Jackson. Portland State is named after a state that isn’t really a state.

4:40 EST – Cornell vs. Stanford
Brook Lopez is a likely lottery pick, but his twin brother Robin isn’t projected anywhere in the draft, plus he has the girlier name. However, Robin sports a lot of curly hair, which the ladies love (trust me). You win some, you lose some I guess.

7:10 EST – Kansas State vs. USC
This is big like Oprah off her diet. Michael Beasley, 2008’s presumed number one pick, faces OJ Mayo, another likely lottery selection. Even though these guys won’t guard each other unless they switch off their man during a possession, expect everybody to go crazy over this match-up of freshman phenoms. Also watch for KSU’s Bill Walker and USC’s Taj Gibson, possible second round picks.

7:10 EST – Belmont vs. Duke
DeMarcus Nelson is maybe, kinda, sorta a second round pick. But he’s a random Duke swingman, so he’ll do nothing in the NBA (see Chris Carrawell, Roshown McLeod, and Dahntay Jones).

7:20 EST – Winthrop vs. Washington State
Washington State’s guards (Kyle Weaver and Derrick Low) are each expected to be chosen in the first and second round respectively. There are a lot of Ws in this entry.

7:25 EST – Texas A&M vs. BYU
With the amazing success of recent draft selections Acie Law IV (A&M) and Rafael Araujo (BYU), teams will be falling all over themselves to draft the stars from these two teams. A&M’s DeAndre Jordan is projected as a lottery pick while his foil Trent Plaisted is expected to be chosen in the second round.

9:30 EST – Arizona vs. West Virginia
Point guard Jerryd Bayless of Arizona is probably going top 10, despite the horrific spelling of his first name. For some reason, fellow name casualty Chase Budinger dropped off’s board while still being top 15 at Draft Express. Possibly because of his goatee.

9:40 EST Mississippi Valley State vs. UCLA
Blowtorch endorsed UCLA features 4 future NBAsters, 3 of which (Kevin Love, Russell Westbrook, Darren Collison) could go in the first round. Luc Richard Mbah a Moute is projected as a second round draft pick, but his name should vault him in to the lottery.

The picture? One of the first Google image results for "draft watching." I don't get it either.

March 19, 2008

My Interview with Leon Powe

After last night’s big win over the Houston Rockets, I sat down in the locker room with the night’s unlikely hero, Leon Powe.

Goathair: Hi.

Leon Powe: Hi.

Goathair: Hello.

Leon Powe: Hi.

Goathair: Hi.

Leon Powe: Hello.

Goathair: Ok….

Leon Powe: Yeah….so?

Goathair: Sooooo….hmmmm….you scored 21 tonight in a huge game. That’s great.

Leon Powe: Yeah, pretty cool.

Goathair: Yeah. Absolutely.

Leon Powe: Yeah…

Goathair: Hey, remember that time you lead the Pac-10 in scoring and rebounding?

Leon Powe: Yeah.

Goathair: That was awesome.

Leon Powe: Yeah.

Goathair: Hmmm….

Leon Powe:


Leon Powe:

Goathair: Anybody ever tell you you look like a construction worker?

Leon Powe: All the time, man. All the time.

March 18, 2008

A Match Made in Heaven (Or Indiana)

I heard somewhere that the NCAA tournament begins this week, and like many humans I’m a big fan. Not just for the sloppy shooting and overzealous emotion of the college kids, but also the chance to see some of next year’s rookies. In past years, future NBA stars Adam Morrison, JJ Redick, and Shelden Williams have had dominant tournaments that catapulted them to high draft picks and their subsequent establishment as franchise cornerstones. With that in mind, I popped over to Draft Express to see what they’re projecting for this summer’s draft, when what to my wondering eyes should appear? Kevin Love, slotted eleventh, thereby fulfilling his destiny of going to the Indiana Pacers.

You see, Indiana’s long standing tradition of institutional racism has brought about some strange results. Not only did they indirectly eliminate the Dallas Mavericks from last year’s playoffs, but for the past twenty years the Pacers have had at least one big white fellow.

In 1988, the Pacers acquired foreigner’s Rik Smits and Detlef Schrempf and the legacy began. Through the years, Indiana has soothed their fans by employing such legends as Dwayne Schintzius, Scot Pollard, and Austin Croshere. Last year’s acquisitions, Mike Dunleavy, Jr. and Troy Murphy, joined the surprisingly long-tenured Jeff Foster in an attempt to be the first frontcourt to survive solely on 15 foot jumpers.

And though there currently may be little room for Love in Indiana’s crowded big man rotation, a trade of noted brawler Jermaine O’Neal seems likely. With his clean reputation, lack of startling athleticism, and grasp of Right Way skills (rebounding, passing, not being particularly great at anything) Kevin Love was born to be a Pacer.

March 17, 2008

March 13, 2008

Kobe Bryant Week, Day 4: Random Fact, pt. 11 - Kobe Bryant

Did you know that Brandy's 1998 smash hit "The Boy is Mine" was inspired by her date with Kobe?

Following the prom, Brandy developed a jealous heart. Mailing dead flowers to each of Kobe's potential girlfriends, Brandy began a shrine to Bryant. One day while pasting pictures of Kobe's recently grown afro, Brandy started humming the first few bars to a song that would eventually be "The Boy is Mine."

Brandy's obsession with Kobe even lead her to enter a relationship with fellow NBA guard Quentin Richardson. Once Brandy realized that Richardson's accomplishments would never reach the height of Bryant's, she quickly ended the relationship and had her tattoo changed from Quentin's face to a cat.

It is rumored that Brandy maintains her shrine to Bryant to this day.

March 12, 2008

Kobe Bryant Week, Day 3: Two Word Reviews of Kobe's Shoes

For as big of a Jordan fan as he must be, it's surprising that Kobe Bryant's shoes have been largely underwhelming. With two words, I can provide you with a review of each shoe that Kobe has donned during his NBA career.

Pretty average

Team shoe

Second best

Easily forgotten

Best yet

Looks uncircumsized

Too dainty

Very generic

Not terrible

Quite holey

Over designed

March 11, 2008

Kobe Bryant Week, Day 2: Kobe Bryant Day or How I Learned to Love the Mamba

From the moment he entered the league, I was immediately against the whole idea of Kobe Bryant. I can't narrow down why, exactly; but I'm sure it was a combination of his entitlement, Jordan imitation, cockiness, and eventually small afro. However, I know exactly when I became a fan (0:16 point in the above video).

Words can't describe the creativity needed to even consider a shot like that, not to mention the nearly unrealistic odds of making it. That Kobe would take this shot with the game on the line was (and is) a signifier that he lives on a different basketball planet than the rest of us. There is a state of thoughtless awareness that Kobe inhabits far more frequently than anyone else in the League, and that's why his triumphs seem so otherworldly.

Kobe Bryant Day

March 10, 2008

Kobe Bryant Week, Day 1: Schadenfreude via Airballs

Since tomorrow is Kobe Bryant Day, I figure I might as well celebrate the most divisive player in NBA history with a weeklong "tribute." Day 1 takes a look at Kobe, during his rookie second year, when he was easily hated. The music is terrible, but the video is hilarious.

March 5, 2008

Mike Miller for MVP

The definition of MVP is most valuable player. In my eyes, this means the player that means the most to his team. It's easy to let highlight reel plays and marketing campaigns cloud your judgment, but a quick look at the Grizzlies before and after Mike Miller's injury easily proves just how valuable he is.

With Miller
Record: 14-38 (.269)
Points per game: 100.5

Without Miller
Record: 0-8 (.000)
Points per game: 92.8

These are irrefutable facts that show that Mike Miller is far and away this year's MVP. Not only has his team's winning percentage fell a jaw-dropping 27%, they have also scored 8% less without the feminine swingman. If a 27% decline in winning percentage isn't evidence of value, then I don't know what is.

March 4, 2008


Yes, I entered the Baron Davis beard challenge.
Yes, that's me.
Yes, that's the reason I go by goathair.
Yes, I got called Jackie Moon, Will Ferrell, and Semi-Pro at my men's league last night.

March 3, 2008

You Know What They Say...

...all foreign big men look alike.