January 30, 2009

I Wrote A Poem

I wrote this poem on TRAP and PYRAMID, and I think it sums up how every Chicago Bulls fan circa 94-98 felt about Corie Blount.

Frenchmen Hate Shiny Weapons

A lot of the time I just sit and think about various things about the NBA. This usually takes up between 4 and 6 hours of my day, or basically all the time when I'm not working.

Sometimes I think about what teams are good. Sometimes I think about what teams are bad. Sometimes I think about how Mo Williams and LeBron James have tattoos that look so much alike that it's not surprising they play well together.

Other times, I look at pictures of Dwight Howard rebounding. When he's rebounding it looks like he's standing in air. Look:
See, Dwight's just standing. Anderson Varejao, "Snickerface" to his family, is trying to grab the ball, but he can't because he can't levitate and stand like Dwight Howard. This is why Dwight is such a good rebounder.

Being a blogger who uses a lot of visual jokes, I also like to use Google, which is a prominent search engine like Lycos and Ask Jeeves. Just this morning I used Google Image Search (a subsidiary of Google) to see if I could find a wacky picture of Wally Szczerbiak since I just memorized how to spell his name. Turns out when you Google (image version) Wally Szczerbiak, you get a lot of pictures of Wally Szczerbiak without his shirt on, looking like a basketball player people would say looks like a model. It's actually quite funny. To save you a step, here is a hyperlink that will take you to the page I'm talking about if you click on it:

Here's another funny observation that I had last night during the basketball game between the Cleveland Cavaliers and Orlando Magic. Because Wally Szczerbiak (see above) was doing well at basketball and his father happened to be in town, they showed a lot of crowd shots of Walt Szczerbiak. Within seconds of seeing him, I used my memory of people's faces to realize that he looks similar to Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan.

This is Jerry Sloan:

This is Walt Szczerbiak:

As you can see from those two photographs that I displayed above, both men have very grey hair which is parted on the left side of their head. Additionally, their faces have similar bone structure and features. However, in that photograph of Walt Szczerbiak, he is sporting a dashing mustache, which I can assure you was not present during the Cleveland Cavaliers versus Orlando Magic game that took place last evening. Isn't this an astute observation?

One last thing that I noticed while using Google (image version) to look for a photograph of Walt Szczerbiak is that when he was younger he looked like character actor Casey Affleck, while he portrayed the titular character in the motion picture The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, a movie about the mastermind behind the World Wrestling Federation's Degeneration X being killed by the man who invented cars.

I will now show you a picture of Walt Szczerbiak when he was younger:

And this is Casey Affleck, brother of Ben Affleck, in the movie about wrestling:

Isn't the resemblance striking? The each have disheveled hair, gingivitis, and prostethic limbs. That's why I made that observation.

Thanks for reading!

January 29, 2009

What a Tiny Asian Boy Thinks About the Clippers Starting Line-Up

Who IS this guy? And why did he call me Lil' Yao? What's that supposed to mean?

This is the dumbest thing on Earth. Dad couldn't have gotten me on court for the Lakers? At least they have Monkey King. This is so lame.


This shirt is TOO big. MOM, MY SHIRT IS TOO BIG!!!

Whatever, I'm going to go do some math.

January 28, 2009

Patrick Ewing's Internet Technology School

A Blowtorch original...

Another Sideline Interview with Jonah Hill

Yoooooooooooo, what up. Just chillin' watchin' the Lakers. The Lake Show. The Lake Sheezy! I'm, like, the hugest [expletive deleted]ing fan ever. But not, like, literally anymore. I do that [expletive deleted]ing South Beach diet [expletive deleted] or whatever.

But, yeah, [expletive deleted], the Lakers are GOOD this year. They're like, AMAZING. Holy [expletive deleted] the Lakers are good. I just [expletive deleted]ing LOVE the Lakers.


So yeah, like, totally dig these courtside seats. They give me the hugest inside [expletive deleted] due to, like, the excitement. It's like a regular [expletive deleted] but on the inside because you're all [expletive deleted]ing pumped up for the game. But then, like, the [expletive deleted]ing Laker Girls, yo. Sweet mother of pearl, the Laker Girls give me an outside [expletive deleted].


Sorry. Sorry. I freaked out.


January 27, 2009

Sean Marks Dunks

Okay, there's Chris. He'll find me if I'm open. Just gotta get open.

Oh, sweet! There's a path to the basket. I'm totally cutting there, mate. They won't even notice me; I'm Sean Marks.

Crikey! I'm gonna be open. I'm gonna be SO open. Thaddeus Young definitely lost track of me. Well, I'm Sean Marks, mate. Not too surprising.

This is your big chance Sean. Make it special. You're going be photographed so many times right now. Make this dunk special.

Make sure you get the dunk down. And make sure you don't blink. Whatever I do, I can't blink.

Do not blink, Sean.

This is your chance to be a star, mate. Do it, mate.

Okay. The ball's coming. I got it. This is it.

Time to dunk.

DON'T BLINK! Awwww, crikey...

January 26, 2009

Deep Thoughts with Ricky Davis

What have I become?
Am I a parody of the NBA?
Is it true what they say? That I'm a cancer to my team. That I will not win. That a team with Ricky Davis is inherently flawed.
What would make people say such a thing? I am a good person. I enjoy philanthropic activities such as providing burritos to each and every Clippers fan named Rick, Dick, Ricky, Richard, Dicky, David, Dave, Davis, Davie, and Ricardo. Those people deserve burritos, and I gave them burritos.
I am not a bad person.
Sure, sometimes I like to shoot. But who doesn't? Is it not part of basketball to shoot?
My cornrows ... gone.
My Ludacris-themed facial hair ... gone.
My joy ... sadly, gone.
I am a shell.
I am no longer the Ricky Davis that I want to be.
But why?
Why must I toil under the banner of "cancer?" Why should I be the scapegoat?
Ricky Davis is for the people.
Ricky Davis is of the people.
Ricky Davis is the people.
I am Ricky Davis and I need some shots.

January 22, 2009

1000 Words: Mo Williams Has Some Advice

The Blowtorch Interviews Danilo Gallinari

I was lucky enough to sit down with Italian heartthrob Danilo Gallinari of the New York Knicks for an in-depth interview about his thoughts on coming to America, playing for the Knicks, and reuniting with Mike D'Antoni. Here's the transcript:

The Blowtorch: Hi, Danilo. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.

Danilo Gallinari: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: You just returned to the Knicks, how do you deal with missing all that time due to a back injury?

DG: Fuhgeddedaboudit.

BT: Yeah, putting it in the past seems like a wise plan. Now, we know your dad and coach D'Antoni played together in Italy. What was that like for you?

DG: Fuhgodaboudit.

BT: True, true. That would have been a long time ago for you. Maybe you have childhood amnesia. That's when you can't remember things from your childhood that happened before your memories form. What do you think happens to those memories?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudem.

BT: Exactly right. Since you're so young, they don't stick in your brain. You're smart, Danilo. Coming to New York from Italy, as a virtual unknown, then not playing for months, how do you deal with the hecklers?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: That's a great approach. Shake the haters off, is what I always say. Surely you miss being back home, where you have your friends and family; how do you cope with not seeing them for long periods of time?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit...

BT: I imagine that's hard, but burying your emotions can be bad later on. Do you want me to keep that off the record?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Absolutely. I won't publish that.

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Really? I can publish it? That's great. It really shows another side of you. Thanks for letting me do that.

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Moving on. The Knicks of recent years have been the laughingstock of the NBA. How do you think the fans should feel about those teams?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Just let the past be the past? What about the Isiah Thomas regime?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Seems prudent. What did the team do to deal with the Stephon Marbury situation?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Yeah, he hasn't been a story for quite some time. Weird question, but do you have a favorite Burt Reynolds movie?

DG: Forget About It.

BT: Hmmm, I haven't seen that. Did you ever see Donnie Brasco?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit!

(we share a hearty laugh)

BT: Well, I think that's about all the questions I have for you. Thank you SO MUCH for doing this interview. I think it went really great.

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

January 21, 2009

Tim Duncan Has Something To Show You


I am Tim.

Oh, you noticed those banners? I must apologize. I did not mean for them to be so prominently displayed.

But since you mentioned it, yes, I did help win those banners.

I suppose you are correct, it is impressive to have so many championship banners in a single space. Thank you for your kind words.

(eyes bulge)


(raises arms above head, jaw drops)


(returns arms to side and regains composure)

I am beyond sorry that you had to witness that heinous act. I cannot believe that a referee would assume that I, Tim Duncan, would commit such a foul. Nonetheless, thank you for noticing my titles.

Tim Duncan.


Tim Duncan.

Tim Duncan.

(robot noises)


(jab steps 100 times, whirling noises)


(shoots precision bank shot, beeping noises)

Tim Duncan.


(robot noises)

Titles Duncan.

(robot noises)

Tim Titles.

Tim Duncan.

(robot noises)


I am Tim.

Oh, you noticed those banners? I must apologize. I did not mean for them to be so prominently displayed.

The Utah Jazz Jump On It

What's up, Utah, what's up

What's up, Utah, what's up

Utah, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it

January 19, 2009

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Planet Earth

In an effort to promote racial equality, I just want to let you all know that when Blake Griffin comes to the NBA next year, his nickname will be "Gingerballs." Rhys Darby would be proud.

That is all.

January 16, 2009

Nate McMillan Teaches Lawrence Frank Some Ghetto Sayings

Waaaaiiit....like this?
How many times do I have to tell you? Finger out, mouth open. That's how we do it in the hood. Burgaflickle.

Oh, word? Burgaflickle!
Man, white people CRAZY.

January 15, 2009

Grant Long Would Like to Mow Your Lawn

Hi, I’m Grant Long, former power forward for the Miami Heat and other NBA franchises, and I’ve got an exclusive offer for you. Grant Long’s Forward Powered Lawn Mowers, the very first power forward powered lawn mowers commercially available in the United States.

Most lawn mowers are powered by normal folks. Maybe it’s a mother of two who likes to get some exercise. Maybe it’s a son who dreads having to mow the lawn each summer. Maybe it’s a dad who likes to cut diagonals in the grass because it “looks better.” Whatever the case, the standard lawn mower just isn’t as quick and efficient as Grant Long’s Forward Powered Lawn Mowers. And the secret behind Grant Long’s Forward Powered Lawn Mowers is the Forward Power technology. Let me show you.

With Grant Long’s Forward Powered Lawn Mowers, we provide you with your own lawn mower, but we add a little something special – your very own NBA caliber power forward to push it. That’s right. Every purchase of a Grant Long Forward Powered Lawn Mower comes complete with a former NBA power forward. “Which power forwards?” you ask. Well, Bo Outlaw for one.


Thanks, Bo.

Of course, we’ve got other models available as well. Perhaps, you’d be interested in Antoine Carr.


But that’s not all. We’ve got even more power forwards ready and willing to mow your grass. Scott Williams, Greg Foster, Brian Grant, Otis Thorpe, and even my cousin, Terry Mills; the list goes on and on. These guys can’t wait to get behind one of Grant Long’s Forward Powered Lawn Mowers and get to work. It’s not like they have anything better to do.

So remember, when your lawn gets long, get Long’s.

January 14, 2009

Someone Needs to Monitor Michael Jordan's Brand

I'm a big fan of Michael Jordan (obviously - see above) and I'm nearly as big of a fan of his brand (obviously - see here). Howevsies, I'm just as big of a fan of pointing out things that don't make sense.

With those few things in mind, answer me this question:

Would someone please quality control Michael Jordan's endorsements?

When I was starting out this post, I needed to look at Michael Jordan Steaks. This is hilarious in and of itself, considering that a) why would Michael Jordan have a mail-order steak business and b) his restaurant in Chicago failed. But then, it took the page at least 5 minutes to load. Not an exaggeration where I say it took 5 minutes, but it was really like 30 seconds; a legit 5 minutes.

So when I finally get to the site, I find the image I need. Here it is:

I'm not entirely sure why they used an elderly Black man to sell Michael Jordan Steaks, but then again, I don't have a marketing degree. I'm sure it has something to do with urban markets/demographics/mail-order steak trends, but I'm surprised they just didn't use Michael Jordan.

But maybe I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, they modelled his Upper Deck figurine on Chris Rock:

Look, I know that everything post-Bulls hasn't been a roaring success. The Wizards were bad, then they fired you. The Bobcats are bad. That whole turning-your-restaurant-into-Sammy Sosa's restaurant thing seemed a little harsh. You signed Derek Anderson, Fred Jones, and Bobby Simmons to represent Team Jordan. Roy Jones (Team Jordan) started losing. Marvin Harrison (Team Jordan) shot a guy. You got divorced. I get it.

But can I ask one more question: would it kill you to slide somebody a couple thousand dollars to give your image a once-over? You're ruining our childhoods here.

In Passing

Maybe go read this interview with Brian/The Cavalier/YAY!Sports/Mad Props to Baked Potatoes/Brian's Thoughts About Airplanes. He's the only guy who can make me appear dumber than I do. Also, buy his book.

January 13, 2009

1000 Words: Troy Hudson Has Really Let Himself Go

No wonder his rap album did so bad.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Things I Wonder Edition

  • I was driving to work this morning, listening to Dr. Dre, and the thought popped in to my head, "I wonder which of the songs on Chronic 2001 is Lamar Odom's favorite?" I know he's from New York, so he's probably pretty tied in to that scene, but I'm also fairly certain that he'd be a huge Dr. Dre fan. That being said, I'm guessing his favorite song is "Xxplosive" or "What's the Difference."
  • It's always been surprising to me that Tim Duncan wears number 21. 21 is sort of a flashy number, for guys like Kevin Garnett, Darius Miles and Zaid Abdul-Aziz. Duncan seems like he'd wear something in the 40s. This has been bothering me for at least three weeks.
  • This is something that KD and I talked about, but I'm still shocked by the Cavaliers. Take away LeBron and they're worse than the Bucks last year, who were 21st in offense and last in defense. LeBron is THAT good. So good that he makes the team 1st in offense and defense. That's ridiculous. "We Are All Witnesses" is a really bizarre marketing strategy, but it's also really true.

  • I wish this were a real album. I also can't believe I didn't do this 3 years ago.
  • Things on the docket for this week: internet/cable installation, which means there will be a new Blowtorch Presents, probably sometime next week. Also, there is going to be some other audio noises happening in other places, but I've probably said too much.
  • Last, but certainly not least: I'm opening a cupcake shop called ToughCakes.
    ToughCakes - tough to eat cupcakes

    As you can see from the ToughCakes on the right, the tagline is fitting. And yeah, I made heart-shaped cupcakes. Deal with it.

January 12, 2009

Assessing LeBron's Announcement

By now, you know that LeBron is making some sort of announcement on January 18th. But what could it be?

Here's some hypotheses:

  • Notorious was alright. Not great, not bad, just alright.
  • A co-sponsorship between Nike and Rogaine, in order to minimize the effect that his dependency on terrycloth to disguise his male-pattern baldness has upon the environment.
  • Apologizes for the LeBron's Lightning Lemonade gum, which "didn't really taste that good."
  • He found Damon Jones.
  • Another pair of clunky shoes.
  • Yet ANOTHER pair of clunky shoes.
  • More clunky shoes.
  • The new pronunciation of his name: Lay-Broon. It coincides with a Ralph Lauren collaboration to be released in France.
  • That he thought "Jockin' Jay-Z" was pretty bad, but he likes "Brooklyn (Go Hard)."
  • Has reconsidered the global icon approach. Now wants to be a desktop icon.
  • Something involving Lil' Wayne*, which will be named LeBron Wayne.
  • That he's really excited for Lost to come back. "Polar bears need love, yo."
  • Crab dribble instructional tape.

*As I typed this, I realized that this is probably true. Think about it. Weezy has been in the last two LeBron commercials. He's the biggest star in rap right now, and he'll do a track with ANY BODY. What's keeping LeBron and Wayne from doing a rap song? If/when this happens, it will immediately become my least favorite song of 2k9.

January 9, 2009

My Entire Birthday Wish List

I was recently asked what I want for my birthday this year. Christmas has just passed, so I really have no idea what else I could possibly ask for. I've wanted the Penny 2s since I was in eighth grade, and as I type they're on my feet.

I have all the seasons of The Office (UK and US) and Arrested Development. I even got a grill this year. Sure, it'd be nice to have every season of The Wire, but I've got to rewatch seasons 1 and 2 before I'm even worried about those. I've got a wife, a house, and a cat named Boots. A man couldn't ask for more.

Or so I thought.

Recently Mr. Larry Hughes decided he wouldn't mind being traded from the Bulls. You know who else wouldn't mind? The Bulls. And you know who else? Everyone. I'm sure you've heard of them. They make up every person on the planet.

Now, I'm not one to disparage Larry for the work he's done for his family, which is commendable. He's even been a fairly good teammate this year, especially while he was injured. And of course there's his contributions to the Foundation for Men with Small Craniums. All of these are great, great things that make Larry Hughes harder to hate.

I'm not a superstitious man, but this year's trade deadline is on my birthday and it seems a little too perfect that my all-time least favorite player of all time could be traded then. So this is what I want for my birthday; for John Paxson to wait just a little bit. Trade Larry Hughes on my birthday. That's not too much to ask, right?

January 8, 2009

Pau Gasol Does His Kevin Garnett Impression












If My Groomsmen Were NBA Players

In general, I don't do the "If Such-and-Such Were This-and-That" type of posts. They're a little too easy for my taste, and basically designed to get lots of easy links. I don't think that'll be a problem with these comparisons, as they're funny to no one but me. But it's my weblog, so indulge me, please.

Here's us:Here's our NBA look-a-likes:

That's me in the middle. Obviously.

January 7, 2009

1000 Words: Washington's Newest Point Guard

Times are tough in Washington. They've won seven games. They've already fired a coach. Gilbert is out, with no real return date. DeShawn Stevenson insists on wearing a bowtie. It's not a great situation.

But trust me, Mateen Cleaves is NOT the answer.

January 6, 2009

Chris Mihm Enhances His Personal Brand

It's 2k9 now and I need 2 enhance my personal brand. I'm just a 'regular' dude from Texas [via Wisconsin]. I'm rlllly authentic, and my agent said that's why I 'don't play.'I'm too 'authentic' for the people of Los Angeles, I think. Los AngeBros don't fish.

I luv 2 fish for fish.
Who is the 'real' Chris Mihm? I don't want 2 b 2 mainstream, but I don't want 2 b 'fishing Bro' n e more either.

My Bros (Luke and Sasha and Kwame) said that I need 2 get a girlfriend to be a 'normal' dude. Like a dude who will show up 2 shows and/or events and/or galas with his girlfriend.

Is this 2 mainstream-paparazzicore?
Is she 2 'tanoerxy?' (tan + sexy)
Am I legit?
Am I 2 legit?
Am I 2 legit 2 quit?
Is my collar 2 wide?
Do u think my suit stripes are 2 'Mafiosy?'

N e ways, I don't think flashbulbcore is the look for me. It isn't 'conceptual' enuf 2 get 2 the heart of CaliBros who are used 2 Ed Hardy/Ammy Appy/Fila couture t-shirts.

I decided 2 get tattys (and flannel).

Are my tatts 2 wavey?
Is this flannel too entrylevel Alt?
Does this beard make me look too much like _________________ [RANDOM EUROPEAN CENTER]?

///////I AM THE MIHM ECONOMY///////

(via HRO/CRLS/the Carles/Carleser)

January 5, 2009

If You Don't Like My Cannolis, Then You Can Just Get Out of My Face

Ey yo, uh guys. Ey guys. I, uh, brought yous guys some cannolis from my mudda. My mudda made these cannolis just for yous guys, so, uh, you best be eatin' these cannolis.

Don't even act like you ain't like no cannolis, capice? If you think y'can just traipse around this here locka room actin' like you ain't like no cannolis, yous guys got anudder thing comin'. Vinny D ain't playin' around. These cannolis, theys pretty great, so eat 'em. Errrybody here's eatin' two, three, four cannoli. I don't care if you ain't even know what cannolis is, cause these cannolis are some real cannolis.

Excuse me. I, uh, I musta misheard you. You say you ain't like my moms's cannolis, Joakim? What, they too decadent and delicious for you, Frenchy? You want that sissy French food that's like a single slice of cheese on a plate with some sauce? FUHGEDDABOUDIT!!! This the real good cannoli, straight outta Italy. You ain't like it, you can get outta my locka room.

Oh, what? What? You gonna do somethin', Frenchy? I didn't think so. Siddown.

Anybody else here got somethin' to say about my mudda's cannolis? No. You don't. So just take your no cannoli eatin' keisters outta my locka room and get warmed up. You ain't want cannolis, you ain't eatin' NOTHIN'! It's as simple as that. If ain't momma's cannoli, FUHGEDDABOUDIT!!

Do not. Even Think. About bringin' some non-cannoli type a food in Vinny D's locka room, less you wanna take it to the mattresses.

Sup, Y'all

Hi, guys. It's me.

You might remember me from this website, but back when it was functional (circa 2k8.9). I've been busy in real life. I bought a house, got married, sailed at least two of the seven seas, and got the best pair of custom Chuck Taylors in existence.

But now I'm back.


Now, over these last three weeks, due to the above mentioned circumstances, I've seen probably 10 minutes of NBA basketball. I saw parts of quarters 2 and 3 of the Lakers-Celtics game*, which I am aware that the Lakers won. My only other NBA exposure during this time has been a graphic on a Spanish CNN network based out of Denver (really) that depicted Stephon Marbury and the Boston Celtics logo. Since I haven't studied Spanish in at least 8 years, I couldn't make out what was happening; and since my Google Reader is swamped from weeks on inactivity on my part coupled with the hyperactivity of the ShareBro commission I can't quickly find the story. I feel as if I've missed a joke that I should have made months ago, but such is life. The beauty of Marbury is that it's only a matter of time until the next joke arrives.

So I return to you refreshed, clueless, and trying to balance the creative realizations I had while on a crowded bus travelling to Xunantunich, Belize. This is currently The Blowtorch 2.3, but the phases that might take place could result in a 2.3.1, 2.4, or even 3.0. There are ideas I have which are bigger than any I've undertaken thus far, and after digesting both Outliers and The Watchmen, I would be remisce to not see these through. It is all part of The Blowtorch, and Trey, and Goathair/Goatman. How could they not be? As Salvador Dali siad, "my works are different parts of my personality." And just as he did, I'll wake up and be a little bit more myself every day.

Oh, and I got the Penny 2s for Christmas. They're spectacular.

*Strangely, this occurred on two different nights as the game was replayed the following night at about 2am.