Celebrities Like LeBron James

It's a scientific fact that sometimes celebrities like basketball. And sometimes even pseudo-celebrities like basketball, most notably Billy Crystal. In fact, both real and kind of celebrities sometimes like basketball so much that they sometimes attend games, even in Oakland. It happened just last night, when the Cleveland Cavaliers visited the Golden State Warriors. In the name of journalism, I checked in with these stars to see what they thought of LeBron James dunking a lot.

• Christopher Lee - "No, I'm not Ian McKlellan, who is a dear friend of mine. I am Sir Christopher Lee, perhaps better known as Saruman. Tis it noble of me to mention my roles? I carest not, for I have played Count Dooku AND Doctor Scaramanga. CHARLEMAGNE!"
• Mark Wahlberg - "Hey LeBron. That's a nice dunk. You jump pretty high. My brother jumped off a roof once. Say hi to your mother for me."
• Lynne Spears - "Sure he's a successful child prodigy now, but just wait."
• Andy Garcia (not pictured) - "Can I get some better seats please? Like something out of the upper bowl?
  

Little Baby Blowtorch

I've been reticent to mention this because I feel like it might be a little too personal. However, I need all of your help. My wife has been pregnant the last nine months.

Last night, our baby was born. Despite my protests, she wouldn't go for the name Bonesaw Michaeljordan Kerby. I don't know why not, either. But since it was the start of the NBA season last night, she agreed to let me name it after whoever I want. I've got some ideas.

Might go with the 'best player in the game' strategy.

LeBron Treymes Kerby

Might try to make him more exotic.

Pau Kerby

Might go old-school.

Bill Kerby

Might go new-school.

Blake Kerby

Might go for the best look.

Dirk Nowitzkerby

This is basically the most important decision of my life, so I need your help.

What do you think?

Surprising LeBron James Facts

Favorite Book: Shooting Stars

Favorite Movie: More Than a Game

Favorite Record: Music Inspired by More Than a Game

Play Count of "Forever" (according to iTunes since 8-27-09): 846

Basketball Championships Won by The Blowtorch Proprietors While Wearing LeBron James Shoes: 1

Basketball Championships Won by LeBron James While Wearing LeBron James Shoes: 1

Favorite Food: fusili with alfredo sauce

Favorite Gum (packaging): LeBron's Lightning Lemonade

Favorite Gum (taste): Quench Gum - Fruit Punch

Least Favorite Gum (taste): LeBron's Lightning Lemonade

Owns a Ferrari named "LeRrari".

Favorite LeBron from "The LeBrons": Business LeBron

Least Favorite LeBron from "The LeBrons": none

Favorite Harry Potter Book: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Least Favorite Harry Potter Book: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Favorite Comedian: LeBron James on Saturday Night Live

Least Favorite Comedian: LeBron James on the ESPYs

Headband is made of 2300 thread count Egyptian cotton.

The LeBron James Conspiracy

Remember this?
Enhance.Enhance.

Good. Now look at this.

It is blatantly obvious that I have uncovered another great deception in the NBA. There are only three logical explanations for this.

1. LeBron James has a twin brother named LaRon James who does not have perfect vision and is starting to bald. LaRon often stands in for LeBron when he feels the situation is either too dangerous or too inconsequential. We'll call this the Tony Clifton Scenario. This is the most likely.
   
   
2. There is some bro who looks a lot like LeBron James and is trying to capitalize on his fame and money. We'll call this the Frank Abignale Scenario. This is the second most likely, which is why it is listed second.
   
   
3. LeBron James wears glasses. This is not very likely because he is superhuman and therefore has superhuman vision. While it might be a Superman kind of thing, that persona has been co-opted by too many other athletes that a brazen copyright infringement would not go unchecked in NBA back channels. This can be discredited.

Like I said, it's most likely that there is a LeBron James twin that no one knows about. The only differences betwixt the two are the glasses, loss of hair, and complete lack of athletic ability. If you have seen The Prestige, you'll quickly realize that this is something that has been planned since LeBron realized he could become famous. By using a twin he is able to be in two places at once, which is hugely marketable. Plus it will extend LeBron's career because it will save the wear and tear of travelling around the globe.

As the old saying says, you never know when a famous athlete will have a less athletic brother with wacky hair that the Phoenix Suns will want to draft.

Mehmet Okur is Becoming LeBron James

I was just going through the vast archives of random NBA pictures that I have on my 4GB Data Traveler thumb drive. These pictures have been culled from various sources, and they serve as backup whenever I'm trying to find new memes. Memes are currency in the blogsospheres, so it's good to have some in savings. It's also wise to invest your memes in some low-risk, high return MRAs (meme retirement accounts) so that when you're done searching for memes, you still have some left over. This is all pretty complicated stuff I learned in macromemonomics, but you get the point.

ANYHOW, I was searching through my meme portfolio when I found these two pictures:

Did you notice how obvious it is that Mehmet Okur is aping LeBron's style? Here is a side-by-side comparison to elucidate the similarities:

I've connected the things that are the same with an easy-to-read color coded set of boxes and lines. Check it out.

• Same Louis Vuitton bag.
• Same creepy line beard.
• Both have electronics on their person.
• Both walking.

Pretty obvious now, isn't it? Mehmet Okur is definitely pulling a Single White Female, a documentary about people trying to be like other people. The only difference is these two people are males. And also neither is a white person (technically). But otherwise, it's the same because he's trying to look EXACTLY like him. We all know how that turned out (someone died).

I don't want to wake up some morning and read that Mehmet Okur stabbed Steven Weber with a spiked heel. Someone keep an eye on this situation.

LeBron, Kobe, and the Battle of Asia

Kinda worried about Asia, guys. Follow this chain of events:

First, Kobe Bryant forces the Lakers to sign Sun Yue as an olive branch of sorts to the Chinese. However, because it's Kobe, there's more to the signing. He knows that adding a Chinese player to the roster increases his visability in China. Following the signing, Kobe makes Sun Yue sit next to him on every airplane and bus ride they take, even though he doesn't speak a word of Chinese.

Then, LeBron James convinces Nike to run in ad campaign in China, depicting him as the rightful heir to the throne formerly inhabited by the Bearded Man and Young Girl. As all Chinese know, these two former rulers were ousted by the Angry Man who has tyrannically ruled over China for centuries. Not until LeBron have the Chinese had a worthy adversary to Angry Man.

Then, Kobe takes a tour of Asia where he promotes his super light shoe. At every turn he derides LeBron's shoe for being too clunky. The Chinese take a liking to Kobe's shoes, mostly because they look better with high-end denim. Also, they're not that upset with Angry Man, he's just misunderstood.

Angered that Kobe has usurped his throne as reigning shoe maven in China, LeBron installs a massive video screen in his house that allows him to interact with the Chinese in real time. The video screen is wired in to China's closed circuit television mainframe, which gives LeBron the ability to interrupt any program with very important news. As you can see, the Chinese are delighted.

Finally, Kobe commissions the construction of a large, friendly looking robot which has been embraced by the Chinese. Unbeknownst to them, however, the robot is programmed so that if LeBron ever interrupts a Kobe commeercial or program it will systematically destroy whichever metropolis it is near. Savvy as he is, Kobe informed LeBron of this robot's capabilities and programming, leaving the onus on LeBron to not invoke it's wrath, in essence limiting LeBron's television control.

As you can see, LeBron and Kobe are at a standstill in the Asian markets. This perilous truce could eventually lead to out and out destruction and sure retaliation. I encourage you to write your local councilman protesting the arms race in Asia and the Pacific Islands. It is only a matter of time before these two rivals incite a third World War.

LeBron James Listens to "I Gotta Feeling"

So yeah, like, I'm really looking forward to playing with Shaq. And to next summer.

I gotta feeling...

Y'all hear that?

That tonight's gonna be a good night...
Tonight's gonna be a good good night...

Aww yeah. This that Black Eyed Peas song, right?

I got my money
Let's spend it up
I LOVE THIS SONG! THIS IS THE BEST PART!!!!!!

Art Review: On the Beach

Summary
A man buried in sand up so that only his nose and mustache show is approached by a crab.

Insight
As many know, Adam Morrison's greatest contribution to the game of basketball is his mustache. Ergo, the mustache represents Morrison, who is currently a member of the Los Angeles Lakers. However, since Morrison is not a particularly skilled player, he is relegated to the bench. In essence, he is "buried" there, hence the sand.

We also notice the crab menacingly approaching the mustache and nose. In January of 2009, LeBron James was called for a travelling violation, which he explained was simply a "crab dribble." Clearly, the crab is a physical manifestation of LeBron James. The crab refers back to his attempted explanation, while its features (sharp claws, bright colors, enormous head) relate to LeBron's prominence in the NBA.

In this photograph, the crab appears poised to strike the mustache. Given the obvious Morrison/James connectionsin this scene, we can assume that the picture is a meditation on James' anger and frustration that such a peripheral athlete as Morrison might have the ultimate triumph, an NBA title, while being "buried" on the bench.

Estimated price at auction
$10,000-20,000

(Note: the value of this piece will increase if the Lakers win this year's championship and will further increase each year that James does not.)

LeBron James's Newest Business Venture

Remember Blowtorch Consulting? It's off to a great start. How well is my one man shop doing, you ask? This well:

Blowtorch Consulting is proud to announce it's newest client, Cleveland Cavalier, Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies CEO, and Most Valuable Player LeBron James.

It was a simple deal, really. LeBron has a newer Ferrari, and now that the Cavs have been eliminated, tons of time on his hands. Not only does it pad his wallet, he also gets to connect with fans and show them that he's serious about Cleveland. Win-win.

This is the first of what I assume will be MANY big name clients. In this economy, players are looking for any way they can to maximize their earning potential. Blowtorch Consulting is here to help.

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

Concentration-wise.

Kobe Bryant Status Update

Hey guys, LeBron James here.

It's been a while since we last spoke, and I wanted to fill everyone in on what's happened since my last appearance. There have been some problems with the Kobe Bryant re-growth program.

As you can see from that picture, Kobe appears to have reverted to about 70% his normal size. V.A.S.T. scientists have assured me that they've encountered this in previous re-growths, and that Kobe should be back to full size in no time. In fact, because his bones didn't stretch so quickly, they'll be stronger due to the prolonged re-growth period.

Thanks for sticking with us through this waiting game. I'll be sure to let you know when Kobe is back to full strength.

A Few Words from V.A.S.T. CEO LeBron James

Hey America, CEO and co-founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, LeBron James here. I just wanted to let you all know that our shrinking experiment has been a great success.

Also, the resizing program is going according to schedule. Mr. Bryant has already returned to 95% of his original size. We anticipate that the process will be completed early next week. Thank you for your support and concern.

Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies' Shrinking Ray

Hi, I'm LeBron James, basketball player for the Cleveland Cavaliers, MVP of the NBA, but most importantly, CEO and founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, V.A.S.T. for short.

For the past three years, V.A.S.T. has championed the advancement of science and technology, and has made many discoveries that will change your life. We've funded private space travel, travelled back and forth in time, and have even implanted hydraulic endoskeletons. And while our successes haven't yet been made public, all that changes today.

That's right. For the first time ever, V.A.S.T. will be performing a public testing of one of our newest products. We've been working on our shrinking ray for about a year now, and after doing some animal testing we've finally perfected the molecular biology that allows us to shrink any object to any size. In fact, that was the easy part. Getting the object back to normal size has been tricky, but we've got that covered too. So let's get this thing fired up.

Since this is such a new technology, we couldn't let our test subject know ahead of time what we'd be doing. However, this is totally safe, and my engineers have informed me that there is little to no chance of any injury. With that in mind, I'd like to present our test subject, Mr. Kobe Bryant.

As you can see in this "before" picture, Kobe fills out his suit quite well. It's perfectly tailored to his body, snug where it should be, but not restrictive. Keep that in mind while I set the V.A.S.T. shrinking ray to 85%. Here we go.

shoots Kobe with ray

Look at that! He's swimming in his clothes! And those headphones look enormous! Clearly, this is another in a long line of successes for V.A.S.T. Since we're not ready to debut our resizing program quite yet, we'll have to take Kobe back to our laboratories. But rest assured, he'll be back to full size in no time.

Thank you everyone for being here. Remember V.A.S.T. isn't just for me, it's for all of us.

The NBA Cares...Or Do They?

I'm scared, guys. For the kids. I am scared for the kids. I'm worried that the NBA is trying to kill them. It's not just paranoia, like when Will Smith freaks out in I Am Legend. This is legit.

Don't believe me? Fine. Sacrifice your children's lives. I don't care. It's your families blood line that you're choosing to jeapordize. But if you decide you want to understand how they're doing it, here's some proof.

First is the psychological method. As you can see from the picture below, a mentalist was sent to brainwash children in New York. People inside the yellow region have been given earplugs which prevents them from intaking the deadly message that this man is transmitting. In the orange region, the children have clearly been poisoned from the inside-out. You can see it on their faces. The disinterested looks, the glassy eyes, the blank stares; all are classic symptoms of brainwashing-induced coma. The child in the red region is in the early stages of this syndrome.

As for the man hiding behind the mentalist, trying to appear nonchalant; he's the financier. His suit and tie are a dead giveaway that he's the money man behind this whole operation.

If the psychological method isn't effective, the NBA has also mobilized its most lethal killing machine.

Look at the glee on LeBron's face as he bowls over numerous children IN PLAIN SIGHT. 260 pounds of muscle and bone pounding in to the chest cavities of these youngsters, grinning as they are unaware of their impeding doom. This aggression must not go unchecked.

For years, the NBA has told us that they are trying to give back to the community through programs such as NBA Cares and the ill-fated association with Billy Crystal's Comic Relief. However, these two pictures clearly show the truly horrific nature of David Stern's covert operation to eliminate his foes. The only question, is "why?"

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Things I Wonder Edition

• I was driving to work this morning, listening to Dr. Dre, and the thought popped in to my head, "I wonder which of the songs on Chronic 2001 is Lamar Odom's favorite?" I know he's from New York, so he's probably pretty tied in to that scene, but I'm also fairly certain that he'd be a huge Dr. Dre fan. That being said, I'm guessing his favorite song is "Xxplosive" or "What's the Difference."
• It's always been surprising to me that Tim Duncan wears number 21. 21 is sort of a flashy number, for guys like Kevin Garnett, Darius Miles and Zaid Abdul-Aziz. Duncan seems like he'd wear something in the 40s. This has been bothering me for at least three weeks.

• This is something that KD and I talked about, but I'm still shocked by the Cavaliers. Take away LeBron and they're worse than the Bucks last year, who were 21st in offense and last in defense. LeBron is THAT good. So good that he makes the team 1st in offense and defense. That's ridiculous. "We Are All Witnesses" is a really bizarre marketing strategy, but it's also really true.

  
• I wish this were a real album. I also can't believe I didn't do this 3 years ago.
• Things on the docket for this week: internet/cable installation, which means there will be a new Blowtorch Presents, probably sometime next week. Also, there is going to be some other audio noises happening in other places, but I've probably said too much.
• Last, but certainly not least: I'm opening a cupcake shop called ToughCakes.
  ToughCakes - tough to eat cupcakes
  
  
  As you can see from the ToughCakes on the right, the tagline is fitting. And yeah, I made heart-shaped cupcakes. Deal with it.

Assessing LeBron's Announcement

By now, you know that LeBron is making some sort of announcement on January 18th. But what could it be?

Here's some hypotheses:

• Notorious was alright. Not great, not bad, just alright.
• A co-sponsorship between Nike and Rogaine, in order to minimize the effect that his dependency on terrycloth to disguise his male-pattern baldness has upon the environment.
• Apologizes for the LeBron's Lightning Lemonade gum, which "didn't really taste that good."
• He found Damon Jones.
• Another pair of clunky shoes.
• Yet ANOTHER pair of clunky shoes.
• More clunky shoes.
• The new pronunciation of his name: Lay-Broon. It coincides with a Ralph Lauren collaboration to be released in France.
• That he thought "Jockin' Jay-Z" was pretty bad, but he likes "Brooklyn (Go Hard)."
• Has reconsidered the global icon approach. Now wants to be a desktop icon.
• Something involving Lil' Wayne*, which will be named LeBron Wayne.
• That he's really excited for Lost to come back. "Polar bears need love, yo."
• Crab dribble instructional tape.

*As I typed this, I realized that this is probably true. Think about it. Weezy has been in the last two LeBron commercials. He's the biggest star in rap right now, and he'll do a track with ANY BODY. What's keeping LeBron and Wayne from doing a rap song? If/when this happens, it will immediately become my least favorite song of 2k9.

Examining LeBron's Personal Brand

Last month, Esquire had a great expose about LeBron James and his managing team. The article shows how James' team of people are positioning the LeBron James brand to be bigger than the Jordan brand.

Not mentioned, Elton Brand.

The main crux of their plan is partnerships over sponsorships. Usually, the product benefits most from its association with the athlete, but this strategy allows LeBron to reap rewards (monetary and otherwise) to an equal degree.

With that in mind, here's a look at some of the latest in LeBron James products and what they mean to the LeBrand.

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Still at the center of the LeBron brand is his signature shoe. This year's model is the LeBron Zoom VI.

Also, there are NUMEROUS varieties of LeBron shoes for sale.

Zoom LeBron Soldier IIIZoom LeBron VI LowZoom Ambassador

As with the majority of LeBron shoes, these all look spectacularly clunky. That might be explained by LeBron's obvious hugeness, but it's also anti-thetical to branding. No one wants to be clunky, and LeBron's shoes (and coordinating clothing) always looks so needlessly bulky. These clothes and shoes are designed for a guy who is 6'8", 260 lbs. and it shows. Even his custom Air Force 25s are clunky.

These design follies are surely the reason that the LeBrons haven't caught on as a lifestyle shoe as Jordan's did. Even today, you'll see far more Air Jordans on the court than LeBrons. The reason is obvious; Jordans are innovative and generally classy, where LeBron's shoes use convential materials and their designs are just a bit off.

Unfortunately for LeBron and company, until the shoes take off, they'll never surpass the Jordan brand in viability. Jordan and his people understood this and built his brand that way. (Furthermore, the Air Jordan's limited availability helped to make it special. LeBron may have oversatured the market with his pairs upon pairs of shoes.) It wasn't until Jordan was an established marketing force that he expanded in to things like movies, racing, and the like. LeBron, however, is already branching out.

In HS, LeBron suffered from Taco Neck Syndrome.

About a month ago, LeBron's film premiered to rave reviews, a step that lends LeBron's brand additional clout and credibility. Additionally, the film (which examines his high school career) serves to build his legend.

There are, of course, other partnerships which are more unusual. For instance, LeBron and Ralph Lauren's Purple Label.

Yet another similarity between LeBron and Kanye.

As has been stated time and time again, LeBron wants to be a global icon and the first billionaire athlete. And while that is certainly feasible, the true test will be the respect and recognition that his brand gathers. Will he become another Jordan, serving as a fashion and business icon? Or will he be just another rich athlete?