Italians Stick Together

Italia!

Italia!

ITALY!

Eh?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Italia?

Italia!!

How to Stand in the NBA: A Primer

It's probably a scientific fact that some NBA players maybe spend about one-third of a basketball game standing around. Between fouls, twenty-second timeouts, and being Roko Ukic, this seems like a fair estimate that should be considered truth. This doesn't even count time on the bench, where players such as Adam Morrison, Bill Walker, and Roko Ukic have mastered the art of standing. In fact, there have probably been petitions to rename the league the NBaaSA, which would stand (zinger) for National Basketball and also Standing Association. Because of all the standing, this makes sense.

As such, The Blowtorch has put together a quick guide to standing in the NBaaSA. It's pretty simple, really. Here's what the New York Knicks have to say about standing.

David Lee: "Just stand and like put your hands on your hips. Maybe think about a Vampire Weekend song."
Wilson Chandler: "Yeah, what David said. I chew my mouthguard because I'm really weird and have two last names that sometimes people use as first names. I hated Home Improvement."
Al Harrington: "Psssssht. Home Improvement was my jam. Zachary Ty Bryant was hilarious."
David Lee: "Learn how to stand. Both hands on hips."
Wilson Chandler: "Heidy-ho, neighbor."

Thanks guys. David Lee basically nailed it. To successfully stand in the NBA, you just stand like a normal person, but you add in the hands on hips thing because when you're wearing shorts you don't have pockets to put your hands in. If you don't put your hands on your hips, Tony Parker will laugh at you.

"Eh, Keef Bogan, poot ze hands on ze heeps, mon frere. Eet make-a for-a clehn-a seeeloooeeet."

With the proper training, anyone can learn how to stand. The Indiana Pacers have recently launched a community outreach program where they reach out to members of the community to teach them how to stand. Here we see Josh McRoberts teaching an elderly man how to stand. As you can see, he's got a couple of his teammates with him to help demonstrate.

"DUDE JUST PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS. DO YOU LIKE MASTODON? THEY'RE INSANE. YOU CAN BORROW MY MINIDISC PLAYER IF YOU WANT SOMETIME. LET'S GO SEE AVATAR TOGETHER. I LIKE YOUR TIE BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE AVATAR. WEAR IT TO THE THEATER WHEN WE GO SEE AVATAR. THE USHERS WILL LIKE IT AND WE CAN SIT IN THE FRONT ROW AND GET CHURROS."

It's that easy. Now that you know how to stand, try it around the house. To be an NBA caliber stander, you need to practice. The best standers in the league (Roko Ukic, for example) spend up to eight hours a day doing standing training in the offseason. If you want to catch up, double that. Soon enough, you'll be standing with the best. Good luck.

PROTIP: The "aa" in NBaaSA is pronounced "aaahhhh" like drinking a ginger ale. So, the entire abbreviation is pronounced "EN BEE aaahhhh ESS AY."

A Couple of Hipsters Talk About the NBA

Grizzly Bear's alright, I guess. If you like glossy production and a complete detachment from humanity. Everyone knows Horn of Plenty is their best record.
(phone rings)
What up?
Wazzzzzzzzzup?

Really? Is this 1999?

I was being ironic.

Yeah. Hilarious, bro.
(rolls eyes)
So what's up?

Just calling to say how much more authentic the Lakers are. I mean, we're even more New York than you.

Whatever. I don't even care. The Knicks sold out when they hired Pringles. The teams with Marbury and Crawford were way more real. Way more street, which is what's important to me. I mean, I love mixtape rap. Plus, you're team is overproduced.

That's what you said about Neon Bible, too. You need to get over that. The emotions are still real. Ron Artest is real. Lamar Odom is real.

Kobe's so contrived it's humiliating. The only worthwhile guy on your team is Vujacic. At least he hasn't sold out. Plus he looks like the dude from Fischerspooner.

You didn't even know about Vujacic until I told you about him. Not to mention, he's gone mainstream. I can't believe how out of the loop you are. You probably haven't even heard of Chinemelu Elonu, who's my favorite Laker.

Sell out.

Poser.

Can you guys shut up? I can't hear this Limp Bizkit record over your incessant blabbering.

photos via CobraSnake and Village Voice

Breaking News: Knicks Trade for Ricky Rubio

When scouts said he was small, I didn't know they meant THAT small.

I JUST SAW NATE ROBINSON FIST POUND WILL FERRELL

Yo, you are not going to BELIEVE this, bro. I was at the Knicks game last night. Baller status seats. I'm talking on the court, man. One of the bank's brokers hooked me up. Anyways, guess who's sitting right in front of me.

Will Ferrell.

Yeah. THAT Will Ferrell. He is just as funny in real life. You had to be there. I can't even explain it.

So me and my boy Nolan are just chillin', when Nate Robinson walks over to Will and fist pounds him. It was awesome. Best night of my life.

Will Ferrell, dude! Will. Ferrell.

The Blowtorch Interviews Danilo Gallinari

I was lucky enough to sit down with Italian heartthrob Danilo Gallinari of the New York Knicks for an in-depth interview about his thoughts on coming to America, playing for the Knicks, and reuniting with Mike D'Antoni. Here's the transcript:

The Blowtorch: Hi, Danilo. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.

Danilo Gallinari: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: You just returned to the Knicks, how do you deal with missing all that time due to a back injury?

DG: Fuhgeddedaboudit.

BT: Yeah, putting it in the past seems like a wise plan. Now, we know your dad and coach D'Antoni played together in Italy. What was that like for you?

DG: Fuhgodaboudit.

BT: True, true. That would have been a long time ago for you. Maybe you have childhood amnesia. That's when you can't remember things from your childhood that happened before your memories form. What do you think happens to those memories?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudem.

BT: Exactly right. Since you're so young, they don't stick in your brain. You're smart, Danilo. Coming to New York from Italy, as a virtual unknown, then not playing for months, how do you deal with the hecklers?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: That's a great approach. Shake the haters off, is what I always say. Surely you miss being back home, where you have your friends and family; how do you cope with not seeing them for long periods of time?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit...

BT: I imagine that's hard, but burying your emotions can be bad later on. Do you want me to keep that off the record?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Absolutely. I won't publish that.

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Really? I can publish it? That's great. It really shows another side of you. Thanks for letting me do that.

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Moving on. The Knicks of recent years have been the laughingstock of the NBA. How do you think the fans should feel about those teams?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Just let the past be the past? What about the Isiah Thomas regime?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Seems prudent. What did the team do to deal with the Stephon Marbury situation?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

BT: Yeah, he hasn't been a story for quite some time. Weird question, but do you have a favorite Burt Reynolds movie?

DG: Forget About It.

BT: Hmmm, I haven't seen that. Did you ever see Donnie Brasco?

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit!

(we share a hearty laugh)

BT: Well, I think that's about all the questions I have for you. Thank you SO MUCH for doing this interview. I think it went really great.

DG: Fuhgeddaboudit.

Foiled Again

I thought I'd be able to trick Stephon Marbury with this letter, but he's a lot smarter than I thought.

Stephon Marbury Reacts to the Trade of Jamal Crawford

Ey yo Mike MIKE HEY MIKE is Steph aka the Motherland aka Stephonious aka Stereophonics on the ones and twos aka Peace to Bambaataa you know I hear we traded Jameer Crawfish or whateva and Ima just lettin you know that Stephybaby is ready baby I been workin this game HARD this year mustache you don't even know I been down in the streets gettin this game right like a Republican and Im lookin tight yo no homo but my game is killin right now jus the otha day I put up 35 on fifteen a fitty shooting thats nice mustache but then like I also been watchin Knicks games and know you want us shootin in seven seconds which is NOT a problem trust me so now that we got rid a that Crawster dude Steph ready to play point again the fat dude on the bench is buggin out yo get me away from him but I promise Ill pass to the new wrinkle head cat if he wide open or somethin itll be off the hook son holla.

Mike D'Antoni's Having Sympathy Pains

Oh, my back hurts because I'm sooooo sexy. Want to comb my mustache?

First, it was Danilo Gallinari:

Rookie Danilo Gallinari did not travel with the KnicksNew York Knicks on their two-game road trip, staying behind to have a battery of tests on his back to rule out possible surgery, according to a team source.

The source said an MRI will be among the tests performed on the 20-year-old, who has suffered from a bulging disc since mid-July. The pain level in the Italian Stallion's lower back and leg increased the past few days, causing growing concern among the team's medical staff that new treatment may be needed for the 6-foot-10 forward from Milan, who was selected sixth overall in this year's draft.

Now, it's Mike D'Antoni:

If Mike D’Antoni is a few degrees shy of upright and grimacing, it is not because he is feeling the strain of coaching the Knicks. It is because his lower back is killing him.

D’Antoni has been dealing with debilitating back pain for more than a week. It became so bad last Friday he thought he might miss the Knicks’ home game against Oklahoma City.

I've heard of protecting your young players from the media, but this is ludicrous. Just because D'Antoni is friends with Gallinari's dad doesn't mean he should be faking injuries to make his son more comfortable. And that's obviously what's happening.

ALTERNATE ENDING

Oh, you Italians with your weak backs and womanizing ways. That's what you get for stealing our women and trying to make mustache's cool.

Mike D'Antoni is Dismayed

Are you kidding me? What do I have to do to beat the Spurs?! I mean, seriously, what? This is getting ridiculous. I hate those guys. It's stupid. UGH! I hate my life.

Let's run down the list of reasons that I shouldn't have lost this game:

a) the Spurs suck right now. I coach the God-forsaken New York Knicks and WE HAVE A BETTER RECORD! The Knicks. My team. Better record than the Spurs and we still lost.

b) Balki isn't playing. I hate that no good, flopping, balding piece of garbage but at least then I can understand why I'd lose. But Roger Mason, Jr.? Gimme a break.

c) The smelly Frenchie isn't playing. I still don't get how Tony Parker's the French one, while Jacque Vaughn is an American but whatever. He's out too!

d) My mustache is WAY sexier than Popovich's old-timey Civil War beard. He looks like a fat Donald Sutherland.

I can't figure it out. I mean, it's definitely NOT my system. People wrote books about how good this thing is. Does Castaway have books written about his system? Didn't think so. Oh great. He's coming over here. Play it cool, Mike.




Hey, Coach! Great to see you! Oh, you guys looked great tonight. Great, great game. I hope Tony and Manu get healthy. I'd hate to see you guys without them for too long. And let me say, I LOVE your beard. It looks excellent. Well, gotta run. Good luck this year.

(whispering as Popovich walks away)
I hate you so much.

Stephon Marbury Reminds You to Vote

Ay yo this Stephon Marbury aka Starbury aka the Starchild aka the Mothership Connection aka America I'm just reminding all y'all to get out and vote today just like every year on the second Tuesday of Novemba we gotta elec a new President so make sure you get that vote out son we only get to do this once a year but this year we gotta do it right so go getcha vote on go in that booth and make your choice either for that old dude with the hot chick that I wanna get in the truck or that black dude who balls out and chills with that other old dude with the big teeth either way make sure you get yo self to the voting today and choose our President for the next year we do it again next year but for reals this important yo holla.

About That Isiah Thomas News

I had thought the Isiah Thomas/Lunesta news was off-limits for a joke. I really did. Thankfully, one man was brave enough to make a joke that was both tasteful and hilarious.

That man, is Dallas Penn.

Cancel Any Bets on the Knicks, Michael Beasley, the Hornets, the Lakers, and Tyson Chandler Immediately

These nuggets of NBA wisdom from Lil Wayne should be more than enough evidence that anything you think must obviously be wrong.

On the Knicks:

I think they should do good. Not OK, not great, but good. Why? Mike D'Antoni, and you know how that guy runs his offense. Gotta score within seven seconds, and that's exciting. If he gets to work over those players right there, I'm betting on his scheme and the way he coaches to say that there's no way an unsuccessful team could come out of that...I love the move they made naming my hometown dude Chris Duhon the starting point guard over Stephon Marbury...So shout out to Chris Duhon, you're the man.

On Michael Beasley:

I'm a Beasley fan. He's straight up. He's real. He plays with emotion and drive and physicality. He gets to where he needs to be on the court. And when he gets to his spot, if he's not gonna shoot it in your face man, he's gonna dunk it in your face. And if he's not gonna dunk it in your face he's gonna dish it to the next man. There's not a player in the game like Michael Beasley. His upper body strength is amazing. He could play center. I don't know if people know that, but that kid could play center.

On the Lakers and the Hornets:

This is a touchy subject for me. Probably the touchiest in all of sports. I'm tearing up as I think about it now. As you guys know, the Hornets are from my hometown, and Chris Paul and Kobe are my boys. When they play each other, I just sit there. I don't know what to do. When the Hornets score, I scream. When Kobe scores, I scream. One one of those teams will make the Western Conference finals, but I can't answer who that will be. I have no answer. It's just too touchy for me. It's too upsetting to think about one team not making it.

On Tyson Chandler:

As far as Tyson Chandler goes, no way he's gonna have an off-year. Those days are way behind him. He's a great player. He's one of the rare guys who came out of high school years ago who made it and is still amazing and just getting better. It's really scary to say, but his opponents can't stop him.

Sorry if you had any sort of hope for these teams and players, but Lil Wayne just can't be trusted. After all, he truly believes he's the best rapper alive.

Mike D'Antoni Explains His Coping Mechanism

Coaching the Knicks is a tough job. I had no idea. I mean, I spend most of my down time driving through the Italian countryside in my Fiat; I can't be expected to know how the New York Knicks have been mismanaged. Anyways, the guy before me was apparently some very bad manager, and the team he left me with is pretty terrible. Sometimes it makes me very angry.

It's just so silly that I have to deal with this one guy, Steven something, who thinks he's a great point guard. It's pretty depressing really, how he thinks of himself. I came from years with Steve Nash, who, aside from being super sexy, is also a legitmately great point guard. It's a real bummer.I try to stay upbeat, I really do. I try to encourage my players. I give them rousing applause whenever they deserve it.But most of the time, they're such idiots I have to come down pretty hard on them. It's terrible. They won't respond to anything. There's these two fat guys we've got that want to spend all their time cruising for chicks and going to drive-thrus. No matter how loud I yell, I can't get through to them.
It's a conspiracy, I swear. Even the refs are against me. So, of course, I try to explain to them that my team is full of idiots, but they don't care. So when all that stuff is happening, and I just can't take it anymore, I do what any sane man would do. I DANCE! I dance, dance, dance. I can't even explain how great it feels. All my troubles just drift away. I love New York.

Mike D'Antoni Attends His First Knicks Practice

Mike D’Antoni enters the Knicks practice facility. He is impeccably dressed in a Thom Browne suit, his mustache is freshly groomed, and he has recent shined Salvatore Ferragamo shoes on.

Mike D’Antoni: Alright, Knicks. Get over here. Lemme see what we got.

Scans roster

Ah, Quentin Richardson. Q, my man.

Quentin Richardson: What up, Coach.

Pounds head

MD: Q? What happened? You look enormous.

Richardson pounds head

MD: You’re still doing that? You haven’t played with what’s-his-name since 2002.

Richardson pounds head

MD: Okaaaaaay. Well…Mardy Collins…Jerome James…Jared Jeffries…Anthony Roberson…Fred Jones…this can’t be real. This is made up, right?

Stephon Marbury: Nah man that’s our roster we ballin’ this yeah Stephy aka Starburst aka Starbeezy aka Caramel Mochalotta runnin’ things droppin’ things shootin’ things the usual...

MD: Please be quiet.

SM: …I figger I’ll prolly get 40-50 a night plus like 19 or 20 steals and at least 2 assists that’s good for 70ish wins there I think we’re lookin’ at beatin’ the Bulls record but it’s too early to tell…

MD: Patrick, uh…Patrick Ewing?

Patrick Ewing, Jr.: Junior. Play me or I’ll tell my dad. He could beat you up.

SM: …I been workin’ on some things like a behind-the-back layup I call the Coney Island Cyclone it’s a nod to my homeboys they gonna love it plus I’m gettin’ some ink done this weekend picture a the Pringles guy for you coach just so you know we tight…

MD: Might as well get started. I want Duhon, Crawford, Chandler, Curry, and Randolph on the floor. You’ll be our starting five.

Jamal Crawford, Eddy Curry, and Wilson Chandler take the court. Crawford immediately begins shooting.

MD: Where’s Chris?

Wilson Chandler: Drankin’.

MD: And you are?

WC: Wilson Chandler.

MD: WILSON Chandler? Not Tyson. Of course. Where’s Zach?

WC: With Chris.

MD: Great….Lee and Danilo, out here.

David Lee and Danilo Gallinari step on the court. Gallinari bends low to the floor to check his hair in the reflection. Lee begins rebounding Crawford’s misses.

Danilo Gallinari: Ciao allenatore. Papà dice ciao e grazie per la raccolta di me. Come funziona guardare i miei capelli?

MD: Your hair looks fine, Danilo. It always does.

DG: …thanks…be…to…youth?

MD: Close enough. You’re welcome.

SM: …and like I just wanna still be the best point guard in the league which I am but I don’t wanna give up the throne look at what I’ve done played for Phoenix then they were great I made KG win that title and Bassy’s been killin’ at the Rucker all because of Steph so why I ain’t averagin’ like 30 shots a night is crazy holla.

Nate Robinson knocks out Stephon Marbury with a single punch

Danilo Gallinari

Danilo Gallinari shirts now available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

Ms. Wilson Chanandaler Bong

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Wilson Chandler

Strengths: mad hops, wicked athletic, loves dunking

Weaknesses: inconsistent, spotty jumper, tweener

NBA Comparison (best-case): Shawn Marion

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Joey Graham

NBA Comparison (most likely): Mickael Pietrus