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OH SNAP SON. Marcus you dropped that ball, man. Go get it. I'll just hang out here. Can't believe you're just throwing the ball out of bounds for no reason. Kinda wack, bro. 
Ohhvkaay, Vadon. Make zis doonk shot. I vill give you hand wif making of doonk. Seence you are faht mahn vith faht neck, I vill helpt to leeft you off ze grounds.
Whoops, Adam Morrison got his first picture of the year taken against your team. It was a wide open jumper. It went in.
Hey campers. It's week six here at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, hosted by Phil Jackson. We've already gone over a lot of the basics such as dramatic acting, really dramatic acting, and comedic acting. Today we've got a special treat. Towards the end here, I like to bring in one of my prized pupils to show you some acting games that will help you master improvization. Boys and girls, please give a warm welcome to the newest member of the New Orleans Hornets, Emeka Okafor!
First, we'll play a game called "mimic." In this game, which I made up, Emeka is going to do exactly what I do. Watch closely and you'll see how we each change our face just enough to look exactly like the other person, like we're mimicing them. That's where the name comes from. I'll begin.
Perfect. Next.
No. Again.
No. Again.
Better. One more.
Can't you do another face? Let's try another game.
Yes! Constipated!
EXCELLENT! Unconstipated!
PERFECT! 
Okay, there's Chris. He'll find me if I'm open. Just gotta get open.
Oh, sweet! There's a path to the basket. I'm totally cutting there, mate. They won't even notice me; I'm Sean Marks.
Crikey! I'm gonna be open. I'm gonna be SO open. Thaddeus Young definitely lost track of me. Well, I'm Sean Marks, mate. Not too surprising.
This is your big chance Sean. Make it special. You're going be photographed so many times right now. Make this dunk special.
Make sure you get the dunk down. And make sure you don't blink. Whatever I do, I can't blink.
Do not blink, Sean.
This is your chance to be a star, mate. Do it, mate.
Okay. The ball's coming. I got it. This is it.
Time to dunk.
DON'T BLINK!
Awwww, crikey...
I think they should do good. Not OK, not great, but good. Why? Mike D'Antoni, and you know how that guy runs his offense. Gotta score within seven seconds, and that's exciting. If he gets to work over those players right there, I'm betting on his scheme and the way he coaches to say that there's no way an unsuccessful team could come out of that...I love the move they made naming my hometown dude Chris Duhon the starting point guard over Stephon Marbury...So shout out to Chris Duhon, you're the man.
I'm a Beasley fan. He's straight up. He's real. He plays with emotion and drive and physicality. He gets to where he needs to be on the court. And when he gets to his spot, if he's not gonna shoot it in your face man, he's gonna dunk it in your face. And if he's not gonna dunk it in your face he's gonna dish it to the next man. There's not a player in the game like Michael Beasley. His upper body strength is amazing. He could play center. I don't know if people know that, but that kid could play center.
This is a touchy subject for me. Probably the touchiest in all of sports. I'm tearing up as I think about it now. As you guys know, the Hornets are from my hometown, and Chris Paul and Kobe are my boys. When they play each other, I just sit there. I don't know what to do. When the Hornets score, I scream. When Kobe scores, I scream. One one of those teams will make the Western Conference finals, but I can't answer who that will be. I have no answer. It's just too touchy for me. It's too upsetting to think about one team not making it.
As far as Tyson Chandler goes, no way he's gonna have an off-year. Those days are way behind him. He's a great player. He's one of the rare guys who came out of high school years ago who made it and is still amazing and just getting better. It's really scary to say, but his opponents can't stop him.
Ballin in Spain
Jannero Pargo enters the game, what follows is his internal monologue:
One miss, ain't no thang. Just keep gettin' them shots. You can hit 'em. You're the best shooter on the court. Probably in the league.
Hmmm...I don't know what's going on right now. Better keep shooting. Get that swagger back.
YEAAAAAH!!! Just the first of many. Now I'm getting going, yo. Jannero Pargo in the house.
Just a matter of time, Spurs. You know and I know that these shots are gonna drop. They're for sure gonna keep goin' up. Know that.
MORE SHATS, JANNERO! Next one's going in, and you know this, maaaaan.
Yeah, whatever. Next game these are in. Consider yourself warned. 
Tony Parker: Ey-uh, Crease, I vreally like-a yore floata. Ees bootyfull. Ees berry BERRY sexies.“James, who was heralded as a significant addition to the roster when the Rockets obtained him in a trade for Juwan Howard last June, has not played in five of the past six games…James has fallen behind Rafer Alston, Luther Head and even rookie Aaron Brooks in the rotation. There's no reason to have James on your roster at this point.”
For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.
