The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 6

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. Like you've never seen a dunk before. Liar. You even had one one time. Plus you were in Hoop Dreams. It's not the end of the world. In fact, considering it's DeAndre Jordan, I'd say it's not that much to worry about. Don't tear your hair out about it. Maybe next time, play defense instead of throwing a pity party.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Prelude to a Basketball

"Prelude to a Basketball"
- a poetry slam by Baron Davis -

Oh beautiful ball
Orangest of balls
Filled with air
But still it falls

Rounder and roundest
The perfect of spheres
Fear not the basketball
Be of its ears

Channeled and smooth
The ball, it shall bounce
But never again
The ball, I renounce

The Chris Kaman Story

When Chris Kaman was growing up in the mystical land of Grand Rapids, Michigan, his mother told him all of the wonderous things he could do. If he tried hard enough someday he could be an interior designer or an architect. He could become the leader of Michigan's most famous big band, The Michigan Pops. He could even fly to the moon. And maybe, just maybe, he could be the President of these here United States of America. The world was Chris Kaman's metaphorical oyster. And the family's local oyster farm was his literal oyster.

Of course Kaman's no-nonsense father Leroy told him to get to work on his post moves. If he looked anything like what those 'if they mated' photobooths at the county fair said, the President thing was out of question.

You Did It, Chris!

Chris! CHRIS!

CHRIS!

Way to go buddy! You just won NBA Player of the Week for the Western Conference! I'm so proud of you! I cannot stop screaming!

Yeah, Chris!!!!!! Congratulations on literally the biggest honor you have ever received in your career, and probably the biggest honor a Clipper will receive this season! Woooooooooo!

Check out my sign, Chris. If you couldn't tell, I made it myself. I didn't want to go the cliche "professional-looking sign" way so I tore a piece of ceiling down from my office at work and found whatever Sharpies we had in the supply cabinet. Looks great, right?!?!

You did it, Chris!! You did it so much!

LOOK AT MY AWESOME SIGN!!!

CHRIS!!! KAMAN!!!

Something Happened During Last Night's Clippers/Timberwolves Game....

Oh my gosh, you guys. What happened?


Ohhh....

We Are Clippers

"We Are Clippers"
- a poetry slam by Baron Davis and Eric Gordon -
We Are Clippers
Not by choice
But by calling
(Except Baron -
he chose)

We Are Clippers
Through thick
and through thin
Through loss
and through win
But when?
When will we win?
We Are Clippers
We win when?

We Are Clippers
We grow beards
The beards, they are weird
That's what I've hear-ed
But the word
It is 'heard'
We Are Clippers
We need clippers

We Are Clippers
We Are Clippers
Clippers, we are

I Have to Admit It's Getting Better

A brief recap of the #32 throughout Clippers history...

A Michael Jackson Tribute Post

EEEE-HEEE

An Annotated Guide to Typical Clipper Fans

The above photograph was taken at last night's Clippers game. I have marked it up so that you can understand the different groups of people who choose to attend a basketball game of the worst team in the NBA. What follows is a color-coded description of these various groups.

• Light blue - various Bros
• White - the murderer from Pauly Shore's Jury Duty
• Red - failed central casting mobsters
• Yellow - Band of Horses hopeful
• Green - escapees from local mental institution Shady Oaks
• Lavender - bit players from multiple Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire

While this is only one game, this subset of people is generally the standard for Clippers games. In 2005, members of the cast from Crash had front row seats, marking the first time Matt Dillon has been considered an A-lister1.

Though it isn't commonplace, one actual star was sitting courtside last night.During a brief interview by sideline reporter Lauren Harrington, Cruz was quoted as saying, "ZEEZ ES BALONCESTO?! HOW DARES YOU TELL ME WHAT EEZ AND EEZENT BALONCESTO!! I AM ME AND I SAY WHEN EEZ BALONCESTO!!" Cruz then proceeded to break all of the ceramic dishes in the Staples Center.

The next time you're watching a Clippers game2, keep this guide in mind. And if you happen to end up next to Penelope Cruz, don't forget your ear plugs.

1. Except, of course, for the numerous times people mistakenly thought he was Matt Damon.
2. Never.

A Joke

Sometimes I don't know what to post here. Sometimes I have nothing to post. I scour the internet, looking for pictures of Tony Parker acting really French, but nothing turns up. I get sad, because I can't bring you people happiness. When that sort of thing happens, I just go to my room, lock the door, and record an entire album using AutoTune. That's what we do in the 21st century.

Today is one of those days. So in lieu of unearthing my massive collection of mid-90s NBA public service announcements, I'll just post a joke.

Laughing Is Fun

I didn't get to see the Magic/Clippers game last night. I'm pretty upset about it, because there was apparently something very funny about it. Just looking through Yahoo!'s photo gallery I feel like I missed something.

I mean, look at all the guys having a great time:

Obviously, Dwight Howard was having a great time. He always has a great time.Even the bench guys were laughing:What could be SO funny? It had to be something so ridiculous that you couldn't help but laugh. Well, unless you're Marcus Camby. He thinks you're making a mockery of the game.

Geez, Marcus Camby. Just let the guys have some fun. I mean, you don't want to be like the referee, who was pretty upset that he didn't get the joke.But then I realized that I'M the referee. I don't get the joke because I didn't get to see the game. And I got pretty bummed out.

As much as a fan of basketball I am, I'm an even greater fan of laughing. I LOVE laughing. Who doesn't? It's awesome. Endorphins.

So I searched through the gallery, hoping to understand. It was just a few clicks more, but I got the joke.
JJ Redick played point guard last night! In an actual NBA game, for an actual NBA team!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. I totally get it now. Oh laughing, you're the best. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

What a Tiny Asian Boy Thinks About the Clippers Starting Line-Up

Who IS this guy? And why did he call me Lil' Yao? What's that supposed to mean?

This is the dumbest thing on Earth. Dad couldn't have gotten me on court for the Lakers? At least they have Monkey King. This is so lame.

OH, COTTON CANDY!!!!! I NEEEEEEEED COTTON CANDY!!!

This shirt is TOO big. MOM, MY SHIRT IS TOO BIG!!!

Whatever, I'm going to go do some math.

Deep Thoughts with Ricky Davis

What have I become?
Am I a parody of the NBA?
Is it true what they say? That I'm a cancer to my team. That I will not win. That a team with Ricky Davis is inherently flawed.
What would make people say such a thing? I am a good person. I enjoy philanthropic activities such as providing burritos to each and every Clippers fan named Rick, Dick, Ricky, Richard, Dicky, David, Dave, Davis, Davie, and Ricardo. Those people deserve burritos, and I gave them burritos.
I am not a bad person.
Sure, sometimes I like to shoot. But who doesn't? Is it not part of basketball to shoot?
My cornrows ... gone.
My Ludacris-themed facial hair ... gone.
My joy ... sadly, gone.
I am a shell.
I am no longer the Ricky Davis that I want to be.
But why?
Why must I toil under the banner of "cancer?" Why should I be the scapegoat?
Why?
Ricky Davis is for the people.
Ricky Davis is of the people.
Ricky Davis is the people.
I am Ricky Davis and I need some shots.

Eric Gordon and Baron Davis Wear Fat Pants

Phone rings

Pete Serrano, equipment manager: Hello.

Elgin Baylor: Hey, Pete. It’s Elgin.

PS: Not too bad. Just finished up that knee sleeve that’ll cover Shaun’s scars. Those things are gross.

EB: Oh, excellent. That’ll help keep the fans in the seats. Anything we can do to not terribly horrify the fans is a win in my book. And we need wins, am I right?!

PS: We do need wins, that’s for sure. Anyway, what’s up?

EB: Well, we just drafted Eric Gordon. We’re going to need some massive shorts.

PS: Are you serious? Eric Gordon from Indiana?

EB: Yeah, that’s him.

PS: Geez, Elgin. I don’t know where I’m going to find shorts that big. I mean, yeah, you can find some big shorts, but they’ll come down to his ankles. I guess I can see if the Bulls still have the pattern to Khalid El-Amin’s shorts, but that’s going to be a shot in the dark.

EB: I would have suggested Priest Lauderdale, but you’d get the A-line skirt thing going on.

PS: How do you know about A-line skirts?

EB: Project Runway.

PS: Ooooh, great show. So, anything else I can do for you?

EB: Yeah, there’s one more thing. We just signed Baron Davis. He’ll need some big shorts too.

PS: You’re killing me!

EB: Hey, Donald’s actually spending. I’m not passing that up.

PS: You’re right. But this is going to kill our fabric budget. NBA mesh goes for 75 bucks a yard. Between Gordon and Baron, that’ll be, like, 900 dollars.

EB: Luckily Shaun’s really skinny. Just don’t skimp on Kaman’s shorts. That’s just wrong to even think about.

PS: Yeah, that makes my man parts hurt picturing it.

EB: …

PS: …so, um, I’ll get to work on those fat shorts.

EB: Thanks, Pete.

click

Al Thornton is way old

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Al Thornton

Strengths: scoring machine, will contribute immediately, looks really tough
Weaknesses: not a great rebounder, only provides offense, is older than me even though I graduated 2 years before him



NBA Comparison (best-case): Corey Maggette
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Trevor Ariza
NBA Comparison (most likely): Al Harrington