December 18, 2008
December 16, 2008
Okay, guys, this isn't funny anymore. I am not Eddie Jordan, so please stop calling.
Do you people really think all black people look alike? I've won awards. I'm a well respected actor. And let me repeat, I. AM NOT. EDDIE JORDAN.
Didn't you see Crash? It won an Oscar, and I was riveting as Cameron Thayer, a television producer who is the victim of racism. Seriously, that scene when I get pulled over after Thandie is getting busy was amazing. You could see me trying not to cry, right? Trust me, it was good. I was good.
Maybe Crash isn't your thing. Well, I was in Iron Man, too. Yeah, THAT Iron Man. The one that destroyed any other superhero movie ever. I was in that. It was just a supporting role, but if you don't think I didn't bring some serious gravitas to my role as Tony Stark's best friend, Col. James Rhodes, you're a filthy liar. I was even supposed to be the star of the next one, but sequels are for suckers. And Don Cheadle.
So to review; in Oscar winners, in record-breakers, not Eddie Jordan. So please stop calling me, Mr. and Mr. Maloof.
Judging by your incessant calling, I'm guessing you've seen Pride, where I star as Jim Ellis, a guy who starts an all Black swim team. The premise seems crazy, right? But I made those kids GOOD. So I guess I can see why you'd think I'd be a great coach. If you can get Black kids to swim, you can do anything.
Or was it Hustle and Flow? You probably liked how great I was in that. The Academy did. I was very inspirational. I'm sure you're thinking, "this pimp turned himself in to a rap star, surely he can turn our team around." That actually makes sense to me; I'm that good. I'm Terrence Howard for Heaven's sake.
But I'm not Eddie Jordan.
Oh, no. I just realized what happened. You saw Sunset Park, didn't you? That'll always haunt me. I toss and turn at night, thinking of how many times people call me Spaceman. It's embarrasing. A 27 year old man playing a high schooler, with that old, busted broad from Cheers and a kid who looks like Skee-Lo; stupid. Hey, I needed the money, okay? That doesn't mean I'm a basketball coach.
And that certainly doesn't mean I'm Eddie Jordan, so stop calling me.
December 15, 2008
Oh, JoHAHN, Tonay Parcare ees a jus a keeedings weeth you. Ees like I make a ze joke for laugh and to laugh. Ees not a serious.
Sacre bleu, JoHAHN! I vreally do sink zat your widdle hairspray coach Scoot Brook lukes good. You know zat Tonay like-a the hairs spray. Tonay's wife LOVE-a ze hairs spray. Please forgives the Tonay. I-a don't mean for to hurt-a your feeling.
But about ze Scoot Brook, why he never let you make point JoHAHN? Does not Scoot Brook know zat ze French love-a to make point? And ze French love-a to pass ze ball. Luke at Borees. He only like-a to pass ze ball. Tell Scoot Brook zat JoHAHN need to pass-a ze ball.
Please forgives Tonay Parcare, JoHAHN. I make it up to you. Come weeth to my villa tonight, Johan. Tonay's wife Eefa vill be theres. Maybe she call her Ahmareekun friend Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher LOVE Tonay, so she love Johan too.
December 12, 2008
December 11, 2008
- A new co-host is introduced.
- Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
- Trades are discussed.
- Eric Snow is addressed.
- Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
December 10, 2008
Supposedly, the Grizzlies are considering trading Javaris Crittenton to the Wizards for a conditional draft pick that they used to have which was traded for Juan Carlos Navarro who is no longer in the NBA. If that sentence seems confusing, it's because it is. The trade and the sentence.
*Grizzard was considered, but rejected due to the additional confusion that may be caused by former Wizards swingman Rod Grizzard
December 9, 2008
Clicking on that picture will take you to a link where you can print out individual sheets that you can then assemble in to your very own James Jones/Skee-Lo inspirational poster. This is a great gift idea for anyone who likes James Jones, 90s one-hit wonder rappers, or laughing at jokes. Or, if that person is me, all three.
Plus, it's free. What can beat that?
December 8, 2008
A lower tier "starlet" and her Adam Levine/Brody Jenner imitation boyfriend. Or:A knock-off Harrison Ford type.
The Staples center is a place to be seen, and since no self-respecting celebrity is going to waste their precious time watching a basketball game, why should any real celebrity attend. That's why you get has-beens and never-will-be's at a Bucks game in November. That makes sense to me.
Apparently, it makes sense to Phil Jackson too. How else can you explain him playing a Yi Jianlian knock-off?
All that being said, nothing will justify this:
C'mon people. I thought we were past the socks and Birkenstocks. I guess it's true what they say: You can't kill hippies, no matter how hard you try.
(No hippies were harmed in the making of this joke.)
December 4, 2008
December 3, 2008
December 2, 2008
Brook: Oh, no doubt, bro. What are we gonna do? I mean, I'd love some Cheerios but we're supposed to look busy.
Robin: Dude, that sucks. Plus we're wearing different colors and my hair is, like, way sweeter than yours right now. There's gotta be something though.
Brook: Dude. I got it. On three, we're going to stare at Kevin Harris the exact same way. He will FREAK. OUT. Guaranteed.
Robin: Sometimes, I'm amazed at how smart you are. My mind gets, like, totally exploded, bro. On three.
Brook: HOLY COW. He is totally freaking out. I can't believe he's still standing up. Ohmygosh, this is the BEST THING EVER!!!!
Robin: For realsies.
Robin: This is SO sweet. Let me ask you a SERIOUS question. Do you want to try it again?
Brook: Dude, we HAVE to. It'll be, like, even awesomer.
Robin: I have the best idea. On three, lean against me and look up. BUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN.
Brook: That is PERFECT!
Robin: One. Two. Three!
Brook: DUDE, we're doing it! We are LEVITATING AGAINST EACH OTHER! It feels so strange!
Robin: We are the best people ever right now. I love you so much. As a brother.
Brook: Okay. You almost freaked me out a little bit. I could do this forever.
Robin: We totally just discovered how to hover. We disc-hovered it! DUDE! Disc-HOVERED!
Brook: I KNEW Stanford was a smart school.
The first one, for friend of the blog Devine, turned out great. If you're interested, let me know in the comments and we'll figure it out.
December 1, 2008
Since it's now December, and Christmas is fast approaching, I feel it's prudent to examine the origins of Chicago's basketball savior, Derrick Rose. Below is a timeline, along with some important information with regards to the dates that are shown. Study this, for it will be important for years to come.
- October 4th, 1988 - Derrick Rose is born in Chicago of Illinois, in the days of Sawyer the mayor. His unwed mother, Brenda, was foretold of the birth and was instructed to name the boy "Derrick."
- 1988-2005 - Little is known about the childhood and adolescent years of Derrick Rose. However, it is common knowledge that during this time, Rose was given his nickname "Pooh" by his grandmother. Furthermore, in 2006 and 2007, Rose lead Simeon High School to consecutive Illinois high school championships, becoming a hero in the city.
- November 5, 2007 - Rose scores 17 points in his collegiate debut, a win over the University of Tennessee-Martin. This seemingly innocuous event would portend the success that Rose would soon enjoy, as he lead the Tigers over number 5 Georgetown University a little over a month later.
- April 7, 2008 - After an outstanding performance in the NCAA tournament, Rose's Memphis Tigers lose in the National Championship game to the Jayhawks of Kansas. Though spectacular in the loss, Rose is seen as a microcosm of the Tigers' faults as he misses freethrows down the stretch. However, as Rose is not wholly to blame for the loss, he is seen as a beacon of hope for basketball fans around the globe.
- June 23, 2008 - The Chicago Bulls leapfrog eight spots to the number one overall selection in the draft, positioning themselves to select Derrick Rose. Rose's return to Chicago serves as his anointing to angry basketball fans of the city. Upon arriving at the Bulls training facility, the entire contents of an alabastron are emptied upon his head, nearly ruining the contract that he has just signed.
- October 28, 2008 - Rose plays in his first game as a Chicago Bull, forgiving the many sins of the team (Eddie Robinson, Ben Wallace, Tim Floyd). Soon after this historic event, the lame are healed, blind men see, and lepers such as Grant Hill become perfectly healthy.
This post shall serve as a historical document; one that will forever tell the story of how Derrick Rose became a symbol for hope and goodness in the city of Chicago. While heretics will persecute the believers, let it be known that Derrick Rose is real and that he is the way. No man can be perfect, but through faith in Derrick Rose, we can strive to be.
November 26, 2008
- There will be no Blowtorch Presents this week, since it's Thanksgiving. But don't worry, next week will make up for it. There's going to be a new second banana that's not actually a banana. I'm quite excited.
- Not sure if there will be anything happening here Thursday or Friday. I'd say it's a 50/50 proposition.
- Lastly, enjoy not sleeping again. Ever:
November 25, 2008
November 24, 2008
Wikipedia is a glorious and entirely accurate resource. For Your Reference highlights the best parts of this completely true learning tool. The picture will come from searching for the Wikipedia term in question.First up, the List of Nicknames Used in Basketball.
- Air Zaire - Dikembe Mutumbo
- Apollo 33 - Jamario Moon
- Big Snacks - Jerome James
- The Blonde Bomber - Dirk Nowitzki
- The Boston Celtic Mascot - Brian Scalabrine
- Boshinator - Chris Bosh
- Flop - Manu Ginobili
- Go Go Gadget Arms - Kevin Garnett
- Ko Ditty Ko - Kobe Bryant
- Mr. Perfect - Jeff Green
- The Money Man - Mehmet Okur
- Nickel - Anfernee Hardaway
- PG2010 - Pau Gasol
- The Riddler - Zydrunas Ilgauskas
- Troy Toy - Troy Murphy
Nicknames Where the Definition is Better Than the Actual Nickname
- Baby Gramps - Greg Oden ("He is a remarkably old looking young man.")
- Baby Shaq - Sofoklis Schortscanitis ("From his alleged resemblance to Shaquille O'Neal, plus he is slightly smaller in size than O'Neal.")
- The Beast - Patrick Ewing ("Due to his appearance.")
- Buffet of Goodness - Channing Frye ("He has described himself as a buffet of goodness because of his all around skills.")
- DaWhite Howard - David Lee ("Reference to him being a white player, and his similar penchant for snarring rebounds ala rebound king Dwight Howard.")
- Hot Plate - John Sam Williams ("Normally referred to as simply John Williams; nickname from his large girth, and to distinguish him from John "Hot Rod" Williams. Both of these John Williams's entered the NBA in 1986 from colleges in Louisiana ("Hot Plate" from LSU, "Hot Rod" from Tulane). ")
- The Italian Stallion - Andrea Bargnani ("Italian translation – 'The Magician'")
- Memo Man - Ramon Sessions ("Because of the career highs he sets every game.")
- The Rain Man - Ray Allen ("His shots always drip, like rain.")
- The 'Stache - Adam Morrison ("For his much-scrutinized mustache.")
Nicknames I Wish I Knew Existed Earlier
- Big Red - Arvydas Sabonis
- Buc the World - Greg Buckner
- Captain Crunch - Jalen Rose
- Earl the Squirrel - Earl Boykins
- Garbage Man - Michael Bradley
- Grits n Gravy - Ricky Davis
- Hungry Hungry Hilton - Hilton Armstrong
- The Rash - Bruce Bowen
- Mongoose Quick Rick - Ricky Davis
- Ghostface - Joel Pryzbilla
Nicknames Created by the Internet
- Agent Zero - Gilbert Arenas
- Kid Delicious - Kevin Durant
- The Armadillo Cowboy - Joe Johnson
- The Poo God - Manu Ginobili
- Timmy Deucecan - Tim Duncan
- The Medicine Man - Chris Quinn
There's a whole lot of goodness over there, have a look and chime in with your favorites.
November 23, 2008
- Things were going so well for Pringles. He’s got the Knicks playing over their heads. The team is entertaining. People are starting to forget about the Isiah Thomas Era (NEVER FORGET). Then Donnie Walsh realizes that he’s got some decent players who make lots of money. Money that could be better used on the best player in basketball. Trades were made, money was saved, and now the Madison Square Mustache is left with a team that features Wilson Chandler and Chris Duhon. Plus he has to coach Tim Thomas. Plus he probably has to play Eddy Curry now. Plus Stephon Marbury will keep bugging him about playing time. Plus he could be coaching Derrick Rose. Not the best week for Mike D’Antoni.
- Though the Pistons were the first team to knock off the Lakers, this week made it more apparent that the team is currently not a serious title contender. Losses to the Suns and Celtics proved the Pistons to be out of sorts and have highlighted Michael Curry’s limitations as a coach. It’s hard enough to deal with Rasheed Wallace, but adding AI to the mix can’t help, especially for a first time coach. Of course, it would help if Curry could design a play every once in a while.
- The Wizards went 0-4 this past week. They currently rank 24th in offensive efficiency and 28th in defense. Their star player (who hasn’t been 100% since 2007) is saying that he’s okay with rooting for a high lottery pick. Their lone bright spot is a rookie who has averaged 8 points and 5 rebounds a game. They continue to employ Eddie Jordan. The Wizards are not good. On the plus side, at least Gilbert mentioned Kerry Kittles in the foreword to the FreeDarko book.
- If Ricky Davis isn’t giving you scoring, he’s not giving you much. In 4 games last week, Ricky scored a combined 9 points on a combined 23 shots. However, he did lead the Clippers to their lone win of the week, by going 0-5 with 0 points. Of course, he’s now their starting two guard after the trade of Cuttino Mobley.
- A thirty percent success rate in major league baseball is phenomenal. In the NBA, it’s Andres Nocioni. And it’s not good. But still, Nocioni shoots, and still, Vinny Del Negro plays him heavy minutes. But hey, he hustles, right?
- Not only did Greg Oden make it through another week in the NBA without being injured, he’s also started playing some basketball. He followed a 22 point, 10 rebound victory against the Warriors with a second double-double the next night against the Bulls. Sure, he didn’t really do much against the Kings or Suns, but it’s just nice seeing him on the court. Well, it’s good that he’s playing. He’s still pretty terrifying to actually look at.
- For the week, D-Wade averaged 31 points, 9 assists, 4 rebounds, 2 steals, and 3 blocks. Averaged. For a week. Dwyane Wade is in another stratosphere right now. There were some doubts that his Olympic showing was simply a matter of playing with superior teammates, but he’s proven that completely false. The Heat are playing pretty decent ball so far this season, and Dwyane Wade is the catalyst.
- Just like the Heat, the Knicks are overachieving to start the season. That being said, head honcho Donnie Walsh realizes that this team is playing for a more important prize: LeBron James. Over the weekend, Walsh rid himself of $27.5 million in an obvious power play for the services of James in 2010. With the Nets stadium in limbo, the Knicks become that much more attractive to the league’s biggest star. Walsh has put himself in the running while not completely jeopardizing the progress that Mike D’Antoni has made this year.
- While still 4th on the Knicks depth chart behind such luminaries as Anthony Roberson and Cuttino Mobley, anytime a guard leaves the Knicks, Starbury comes that much closer to the court. It’s not likely that Steph will ever see the court, but maybe he can get some practice time. He’s got fresh legs!
- If ever there were a player destined to play for Don Nelson it was Dirk Nowitzki. But if there were ever a second player destined to play for Don Nelson it was Baron Davis. Somewhere down the line, thought, Jamal Crawford was made for Nellieball. Traded in the midst of his best season while in Mike D’Antoni’s freewheeling offense, Crawford goes to the only place more freewheelinger, the Dubs. His defensive gambling will be embraced, his skinny frame will be exalted, and his lack of conscious will be totally normal.
- A quick Wikipedia search confirms that he’s still engaged to Adriana Lima. There remains no bigger stud in the NBA than Marko Jaric.
November 21, 2008
November 20, 2008
- THE TRUE STORY OF ANTHONY MORROW IS REVEALED!
- Music from Q-Tip.
November 19, 2008
Rookie Danilo Gallinari did not travel with the KnicksNew York Knicks on their two-game road trip, staying behind to have a battery of tests on his back to rule out possible surgery, according to a team source.
The source said an MRI will be among the tests performed on the 20-year-old, who has suffered from a bulging disc since mid-July. The pain level in the Italian Stallion's lower back and leg increased the past few days, causing growing concern among the team's medical staff that new treatment may be needed for the 6-foot-10 forward from Milan, who was selected sixth overall in this year's draft.
If Mike D’Antoni is a few degrees shy of upright and grimacing, it is not because he is feeling the strain of coaching the Knicks. It is because his lower back is killing him.
D’Antoni has been dealing with debilitating back pain for more than a week. It became so bad last Friday he thought he might miss the Knicks’ home game against Oklahoma City.
November 18, 2008
November 17, 2008
There are only two logical results:
- Anthony Morrow is a real NBA player, who plays for the Golden State Warriors. He can only play for the Golden State Warriors, since his main skill is scoring. Upon joining another team, he would be Damien Wilkins (read: shoots too much, hated, annoying).
- Anthony Morrow is a construct. Concocted by a Dustin Hoffman in Wag the Dog type, "Morrow" was created to assuage concerns by the Golden State faithful. His existence is predicated on the concept of fairness. After Monta Ellis' injury, "Anthony Morrow" was created so that Warriors fans can have something to be happy about. Upon Ellis' return, "Morrow" will cease to exist.
The truth is out there.
November 14, 2008
- Whilst at the Free Darko book launch, some humans ended up watching the Warriors-Pistons game. This guy came in the game. I had never seen this man in my life. It was the first time I've been stumped on a player in a long, long time. To make things worse, every time the cameras were close to showing the back of his jersey, they'd cut away or he'd turn around. It was as if he was taunting us with his anonymity. Turns out, he's named Anthony Morrow, an undrafted rookie signed by Golden State. A player so unknown that NBA.com has no picture or bio for him. Of course, he ended up playing significant minutes down the stretch.
- Outside of Stephen Jackson, Andris Biedrins, and Corey Maggette, watching the Warriors is no longer fun for me. I think it's mostly due to Nelson and his refusal to settle on a rotation. There are only three possible explanations:
1) He's trying to prove that the roster he's been given is in adequate in a push to have Mullin ousted.
2) He's tinkering and trying to find the right combination of players to keep the ship afloat until Monta gets back.
3) He feels his system can account for the severe talent drop-off after his three best players.
He won't settle on a point guard. He plays Azubuike a lot of minutes at a position where he takes a lot of jumpers, even though he's a terrible jump-shooter. He's just now figuring out how to use Brandan Wright. He's running Stephen Jackson in to the ground. Frankly, his lineup choices are terrible and I help thinking that it's because he's selling out Mullin.
- It's WAY too early to tell, but the Iverson trade has really messed up the Pistons. They are a mess on defense and his propensity to dominate the ball, coupled with the Pistons deferrential nature seems like a bad mix. I'm a big, big fan of this team (and the majority of the players on the roster) but I have a bad feeling that Curry's inexperience and subsequent lack of respect will be the Pistons' downfall. To get through to Wallace and Iverson AND get the most out of their young players, they need a very strong coach. It's unlikely that Curry is that guy.
END BASKETBALL ANALYSIS
- The Free Darko party was everything I expected and more. The pizza was great. The awkwardness whenever anyone would enter the room was even better. I am continually amazed at how open and friendly and receptive bloggers are in person.
- It seemed like a joke in the post, but we really read the manifesto in unison. Surely this frightened the party in the next room. Most strange is that the first few lines of the manifesto, when read aloud, definitely sound like an altar call from a church.
November 13, 2008
November 12, 2008
AB: Vhat a vaste.
Are you kidding me? What do I have to do to beat the Spurs?! I mean, seriously, what? This is getting ridiculous. I hate those guys. It's stupid. UGH! I hate my life.
Let's run down the list of reasons that I shouldn't have lost this game:
a) the Spurs suck right now. I coach the God-forsaken New York Knicks and WE HAVE A BETTER RECORD! The Knicks. My team. Better record than the Spurs and we still lost.
b) Balki isn't playing. I hate that no good, flopping, balding piece of garbage but at least then I can understand why I'd lose. But Roger Mason, Jr.? Gimme a break.
c) The smelly Frenchie isn't playing. I still don't get how Tony Parker's the French one, while Jacque Vaughn is an American but whatever. He's out too!
d) My mustache is WAY sexier than Popovich's old-timey Civil War beard. He looks like a fat Donald Sutherland.
I can't figure it out. I mean, it's definitely NOT my system. People wrote books about how good this thing is. Does Castaway have books written about his system? Didn't think so. Oh great. He's coming over here. Play it cool, Mike.
Hey, Coach! Great to see you! Oh, you guys looked great tonight. Great, great game. I hope Tony and Manu get healthy. I'd hate to see you guys without them for too long. And let me say, I LOVE your beard. It looks excellent. Well, gotta run. Good luck this year.
(whispering as Popovich walks away)
I hate you so much.
November 11, 2008
Oh, Internet. Thanks for existing and having a searchable database of public service announcements.
November 10, 2008
I spend a lot of time thinking about what would be the worst signature shoe ever, usually between three and four hours a day. That's why it's really weird that I forgot that they had already been created.
It's hard to imagine why Converse went bankrupt.