December 18, 2008

On Hiatus

Due to various life things, posting at the Blowtorch will be minimal if any at all for the next two and a half-ish weeks. I don't have the time to commit to joking about Tony Parker. Upon my return from the Caribbean sea, I will be back.
Peace be with you.

December 16, 2008

1000 Words: Dwight Howard TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE David Byrne

The Maloofs Should Stop Calling Terrence Howard

Okay, guys, this isn't funny anymore. I am not Eddie Jordan, so please stop calling.

Do you people really think all black people look alike? I've won awards. I'm a well respected actor. And let me repeat, I. AM NOT. EDDIE JORDAN.

Didn't you see Crash? It won an Oscar, and I was riveting as Cameron Thayer, a television producer who is the victim of racism. Seriously, that scene when I get pulled over after Thandie is getting busy was amazing. You could see me trying not to cry, right? Trust me, it was good. I was good.

Maybe Crash isn't your thing. Well, I was in Iron Man, too. Yeah, THAT Iron Man. The one that destroyed any other superhero movie ever. I was in that. It was just a supporting role, but if you don't think I didn't bring some serious gravitas to my role as Tony Stark's best friend, Col. James Rhodes, you're a filthy liar. I was even supposed to be the star of the next one, but sequels are for suckers. And Don Cheadle.

So to review; in Oscar winners, in record-breakers, not Eddie Jordan. So please stop calling me, Mr. and Mr. Maloof.

Judging by your incessant calling, I'm guessing you've seen Pride, where I star as Jim Ellis, a guy who starts an all Black swim team. The premise seems crazy, right? But I made those kids GOOD. So I guess I can see why you'd think I'd be a great coach. If you can get Black kids to swim, you can do anything.

Or was it Hustle and Flow? You probably liked how great I was in that. The Academy did. I was very inspirational. I'm sure you're thinking, "this pimp turned himself in to a rap star, surely he can turn our team around." That actually makes sense to me; I'm that good. I'm Terrence Howard for Heaven's sake.

But I'm not Eddie Jordan.

Oh, no. I just realized what happened. You saw Sunset Park, didn't you? That'll always haunt me. I toss and turn at night, thinking of how many times people call me Spaceman. It's embarrasing. A 27 year old man playing a high schooler, with that old, busted broad from Cheers and a kid who looks like Skee-Lo; stupid. Hey, I needed the money, okay? That doesn't mean I'm a basketball coach.

And that certainly doesn't mean I'm Eddie Jordan, so stop calling me.

December 15, 2008

Tony Parker Apologizes

Oh, JoHAHN, Tonay Parcare ees a jus a keeedings weeth you. Ees like I make a ze joke for laugh and to laugh. Ees not a serious.

Sacre bleu, JoHAHN! I vreally do sink zat your widdle hairspray coach Scoot Brook lukes good. You know zat Tonay like-a the hairs spray. Tonay's wife LOVE-a ze hairs spray. Please forgives the Tonay. I-a don't mean for to hurt-a your feeling.

But about ze Scoot Brook, why he never let you make point JoHAHN? Does not Scoot Brook know zat ze French love-a to make point? And ze French love-a to pass ze ball. Luke at Borees. He only like-a to pass ze ball. Tell Scoot Brook zat JoHAHN need to pass-a ze ball.

Please forgives Tonay Parcare, JoHAHN. I make it up to you. Come weeth to my villa tonight, Johan. Tonay's wife Eefa vill be theres. Maybe she call her Ahmareekun friend Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher LOVE Tonay, so she love Johan too.

December 12, 2008

An Annotated Guide to How Sean May Disgusts Women

  1. Shields eyes to avoid an accidental glimpse of underarm floppiness.
  2. "Dad, this guy is SO fat."
  3. Transfixed by jiggling back fat.
  4. Refuses to look for fear of paralysis, vomiting, and temporary blindness.

December 11, 2008

The Differences Between Chris Mihm and Nick Collison

It's not unusual to confuse Nick Collison and Chris Mihm. They're both mostly irrelevant big white guys who share a passing resemblance to Adam Levine. Per request, here are their only differences, explained by handy chart:

The Blowtorch Presents ... Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA


  • A new co-host is introduced.
  • Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
  • Trades are discussed.
  • Eric Snow is addressed.
  • Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

December 10, 2008

The Potential Grizzlies/Wizards Trade Explained

Supposedly, the Grizzlies are considering trading Javaris Crittenton to the Wizards for a conditional draft pick that they used to have which was traded for Juan Carlos Navarro who is no longer in the NBA. If that sentence seems confusing, it's because it is. The trade and the sentence.

Luckily for the world, I've created this high quality, extremely detailed diorama of the paths that these players and draft pick has travelled since 2007.


*Grizzard was considered, but rejected due to the additional confusion that may be caused by former Wizards swingman Rod Grizzard

December 9, 2008

Foiled Again

I thought I'd be able to trick Stephon Marbury with this letter, but he's a lot smarter than I thought.

Another Holiday Gift Idea

I like helping people. That's why, in my real life, I just walk around dispensing valuable advice to people less fortunate than me. I dispense such wisdom as "Hey, cheer up. Man," or, "I love it when you call me Big Poppa." Nuggets like these come easily to me, so I have to share the wealth.

It's for that reason, that I present to you a most excellent poster that you can give to friends and loved ones this holiday season:

Clicking on that picture will take you to a link where you can print out individual sheets that you can then assemble in to your very own James Jones/Skee-Lo inspirational poster. This is a great gift idea for anyone who likes James Jones, 90s one-hit wonder rappers, or laughing at jokes. Or, if that person is me, all three.

Plus, it's free. What can beat that?

December 8, 2008

The Entirety of My NBA Holiday Gift Guide

The Milwaukee Bucks Aren't a Great Draw

I get it. The Bucks aren't a glamorous team. Their jerseys are boring. They're a bad team. Their players are terrifying.

I understand.
It's no surprise that they don't bring out the biggest stars in L.A. For instance:

A lower tier "starlet" and her Adam Levine/Brody Jenner imitation boyfriend. Or:A knock-off Harrison Ford type.

The Staples center is a place to be seen, and since no self-respecting celebrity is going to waste their precious time watching a basketball game, why should any real celebrity attend. That's why you get has-beens and never-will-be's at a Bucks game in November. That makes sense to me.

Apparently, it makes sense to Phil Jackson too. How else can you explain him playing a Yi Jianlian knock-off?

All that being said, nothing will justify this:

C'mon people. I thought we were past the socks and Birkenstocks. I guess it's true what they say: You can't kill hippies, no matter how hard you try.

(No hippies were harmed in the making of this joke.)

December 4, 2008

Greg Oden Feels Pretty

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

December 3, 2008

It Appears That Travis Diener is Happy About Beating the Lakers

Guys. Hey guys. GUYS! Isn't this the best thing in the world?! This is totally, flippin' cool, man. I'm pumped. This is just so much fun. I mean, we WON. WE beat the Lakers. It was such a team effort. I just did what I could to help us win. This is so exciting. Oh, I could just dance all night! I mean, I know we've won before, but we totally won against the Lakers. That makes us the best team in the league, right? Right?

Oh wow. I'm so excited, I have to pee.

December 2, 2008

Robin and Brook Lopez Play Basketball Against Each Other

Robin: DUDE, let's mess with these guys. Like back when we used to tell Mom that I was you and she'd be all, "Brook stop eating Cheerios off the floor. And stop licking the walls!" She was SO mad. We've got to do something, exactly like that. It'll be AMAZING!

Brook: Oh, no doubt, bro. What are we gonna do? I mean, I'd love some Cheerios but we're supposed to look busy.

Robin: Dude, that sucks. Plus we're wearing different colors and my hair is, like, way sweeter than yours right now. There's gotta be something though.

Brook: Dude. I got it. On three, we're going to stare at Kevin Harris the exact same way. He will FREAK. OUT. Guaranteed.

Robin: Sometimes, I'm amazed at how smart you are. My mind gets, like, totally exploded, bro. On three.
One. Two. Three.

Brook: HOLY COW. He is totally freaking out. I can't believe he's still standing up. Ohmygosh, this is the BEST THING EVER!!!!

Robin: Seriously.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: For realsies.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: This is SO sweet. Let me ask you a SERIOUS question. Do you want to try it again?

Brook: Dude, we HAVE to. It'll be, like, even awesomer.

Robin: I have the best idea. On three, lean against me and look up. BUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN.

Brook: That is PERFECT!

Robin: One. Two. Three!

Brook: DUDE, we're doing it! We are LEVITATING AGAINST EACH OTHER! It feels so strange!

Robin: We are the best people ever right now. I love you so much. As a brother.

Brook: Okay. You almost freaked me out a little bit. I could do this forever.

Robin: We totally just discovered how to hover. We disc-hovered it! DUDE! Disc-HOVERED!

Brook: I KNEW Stanford was a smart school.

An Exclusive Holiday Offer

This is something that I mentioned on Twitter a while back. If you send me one US dollar via PayPal, I will draw a picture of what I'd guess you probably look like, based solely on a guess. This picture will be done in either marker or colored pencil (YOU CHOOSE). It will then be sent as both a hard copy and a JPEG to the addresses of your choice.

The first one, for friend of the blog Devine, turned out great. If you're interested, let me know in the comments and we'll figure it out.

December 1, 2008

The Annotated Derrick Rose Timeline

Since it's now December, and Christmas is fast approaching, I feel it's prudent to examine the origins of Chicago's basketball savior, Derrick Rose. Below is a timeline, along with some important information with regards to the dates that are shown. Study this, for it will be important for years to come.

  • October 4th, 1988 - Derrick Rose is born in Chicago of Illinois, in the days of Sawyer the mayor. His unwed mother, Brenda, was foretold of the birth and was instructed to name the boy "Derrick."
  • 1988-2005 - Little is known about the childhood and adolescent years of Derrick Rose. However, it is common knowledge that during this time, Rose was given his nickname "Pooh" by his grandmother. Furthermore, in 2006 and 2007, Rose lead Simeon High School to consecutive Illinois high school championships, becoming a hero in the city.
  • November 5, 2007 - Rose scores 17 points in his collegiate debut, a win over the University of Tennessee-Martin. This seemingly innocuous event would portend the success that Rose would soon enjoy, as he lead the Tigers over number 5 Georgetown University a little over a month later.
  • April 7, 2008 - After an outstanding performance in the NCAA tournament, Rose's Memphis Tigers lose in the National Championship game to the Jayhawks of Kansas. Though spectacular in the loss, Rose is seen as a microcosm of the Tigers' faults as he misses freethrows down the stretch. However, as Rose is not wholly to blame for the loss, he is seen as a beacon of hope for basketball fans around the globe.
  • June 23, 2008 - The Chicago Bulls leapfrog eight spots to the number one overall selection in the draft, positioning themselves to select Derrick Rose. Rose's return to Chicago serves as his anointing to angry basketball fans of the city. Upon arriving at the Bulls training facility, the entire contents of an alabastron are emptied upon his head, nearly ruining the contract that he has just signed.
  • October 28, 2008 - Rose plays in his first game as a Chicago Bull, forgiving the many sins of the team (Eddie Robinson, Ben Wallace, Tim Floyd). Soon after this historic event, the lame are healed, blind men see, and lepers such as Grant Hill become perfectly healthy.

This post shall serve as a historical document; one that will forever tell the story of how Derrick Rose became a symbol for hope and goodness in the city of Chicago. While heretics will persecute the believers, let it be known that Derrick Rose is real and that he is the way. No man can be perfect, but through faith in Derrick Rose, we can strive to be.

November 26, 2008

Quick Little Bits of Knowledge

  • There will be no Blowtorch Presents this week, since it's Thanksgiving. But don't worry, next week will make up for it. There's going to be a new second banana that's not actually a banana. I'm quite excited.
  • Not sure if there will be anything happening here Thursday or Friday. I'd say it's a 50/50 proposition.
  • Lastly, enjoy not sleeping again. Ever:

November 25, 2008

Choose Your Own Adventure

SO MANY great options for a caption to this picture that I can't just pick one. Ergo, here's a few choices:

a) This picture would be so much cooler in the year 2000.
b) Ranking levels of irrelevance from left to right.
c) Behind the scenes action from the recent Excessively Groomed Facial Hair Quarterly cover shoot.
d) Drew Gooden + Larry Hughes = Common
e) Provide your own.

November 24, 2008

For Your Reference: Basketball Nicknames

Wikipedia is a glorious and entirely accurate resource. For Your Reference highlights the best parts of this completely true learning tool. The picture will come from searching for the Wikipedia term in question.First up, the List of Nicknames Used in Basketball.

The List of Nicknames Used in Basketball is quite handy. Perhaps you'd like to buff up on some of the seemingly forgotten AKAs for your favorite players. Maybe you're curious about what people actually called Donyell Marshall. More likely, however, you like laughing and smiling. Those are the best.

I find it most advantageous to break this plethora of sobriquets in to categories to keep them organized. Please note that all the nicknames are taken verbatim from Wikipedia.

Nicknames No One Has Ever Actually Used
  • Air Zaire - Dikembe Mutumbo
  • Apollo 33 - Jamario Moon
  • Big Snacks - Jerome James
  • The Blonde Bomber - Dirk Nowitzki
  • The Boston Celtic Mascot - Brian Scalabrine
  • Boshinator - Chris Bosh
  • Flop - Manu Ginobili
  • Go Go Gadget Arms - Kevin Garnett
  • Ko Ditty Ko - Kobe Bryant
  • Mr. Perfect - Jeff Green
  • The Money Man - Mehmet Okur
  • Nickel - Anfernee Hardaway
  • PG2010 - Pau Gasol
  • The Riddler - Zydrunas Ilgauskas
  • Troy Toy - Troy Murphy

Nicknames Where the Definition is Better Than the Actual Nickname

  • Baby Gramps - Greg Oden ("He is a remarkably old looking young man.")
  • Baby Shaq - Sofoklis Schortscanitis ("From his alleged resemblance to Shaquille O'Neal, plus he is slightly smaller in size than O'Neal.")
  • The Beast - Patrick Ewing ("Due to his appearance.")
  • Buffet of Goodness - Channing Frye ("He has described himself as a buffet of goodness because of his all around skills.")
  • DaWhite Howard - David Lee ("Reference to him being a white player, and his similar penchant for snarring rebounds ala rebound king Dwight Howard.")
  • Hot Plate - John Sam Williams ("Normally referred to as simply John Williams; nickname from his large girth, and to distinguish him from John "Hot Rod" Williams. Both of these John Williams's entered the NBA in 1986 from colleges in Louisiana ("Hot Plate" from LSU, "Hot Rod" from Tulane). ")
  • The Italian Stallion - Andrea Bargnani ("Italian translation – 'The Magician'")
  • Memo Man - Ramon Sessions ("Because of the career highs he sets every game.")
  • The Rain Man - Ray Allen ("His shots always drip, like rain.")
  • The 'Stache - Adam Morrison ("For his much-scrutinized mustache.")

Nicknames I Wish I Knew Existed Earlier

  • Big Red - Arvydas Sabonis
  • Buc the World - Greg Buckner
  • Captain Crunch - Jalen Rose
  • Earl the Squirrel - Earl Boykins
  • Garbage Man - Michael Bradley
  • Grits n Gravy - Ricky Davis
  • Hungry Hungry Hilton - Hilton Armstrong
  • The Rash - Bruce Bowen
  • Mongoose Quick Rick - Ricky Davis
  • Ghostface - Joel Pryzbilla

Nicknames Created by the Internet

  • Agent Zero - Gilbert Arenas
  • Kid Delicious - Kevin Durant
  • The Armadillo Cowboy - Joe Johnson
  • The Poo God - Manu Ginobili
  • Timmy Deucecan - Tim Duncan
  • The Medicine Man - Chris Quinn

There's a whole lot of goodness over there, have a look and chime in with your favorites.

November 23, 2008

I've Made a Huge Mistake - Week 3

Mike D’Antoni
- Things were going so well for Pringles. He’s got the Knicks playing over their heads. The team is entertaining. People are starting to forget about the Isiah Thomas Era (NEVER FORGET). Then Donnie Walsh realizes that he’s got some decent players who make lots of money. Money that could be better used on the best player in basketball. Trades were made, money was saved, and now the Madison Square Mustache is left with a team that features Wilson Chandler and Chris Duhon. Plus he has to coach Tim Thomas. Plus he probably has to play Eddy Curry now. Plus Stephon Marbury will keep bugging him about playing time. Plus he could be coaching Derrick Rose. Not the best week for Mike D’Antoni.

Detroit Pistons
- Though the Pistons were the first team to knock off the Lakers, this week made it more apparent that the team is currently not a serious title contender. Losses to the Suns and Celtics proved the Pistons to be out of sorts and have highlighted Michael Curry’s limitations as a coach. It’s hard enough to deal with Rasheed Wallace, but adding AI to the mix can’t help, especially for a first time coach. Of course, it would help if Curry could design a play every once in a while.

Washington Wizards
- The Wizards went 0-4 this past week. They currently rank 24th in offensive efficiency and 28th in defense. Their star player (who hasn’t been 100% since 2007) is saying that he’s okay with rooting for a high lottery pick. Their lone bright spot is a rookie who has averaged 8 points and 5 rebounds a game. They continue to employ Eddie Jordan. The Wizards are not good. On the plus side, at least Gilbert mentioned Kerry Kittles in the foreword to the FreeDarko book.

Ricky Davis
- If Ricky Davis isn’t giving you scoring, he’s not giving you much. In 4 games last week, Ricky scored a combined 9 points on a combined 23 shots. However, he did lead the Clippers to their lone win of the week, by going 0-5 with 0 points. Of course, he’s now their starting two guard after the trade of Cuttino Mobley.

Andres Nocioni
- A thirty percent success rate in major league baseball is phenomenal. In the NBA, it’s Andres Nocioni. And it’s not good. But still, Nocioni shoots, and still, Vinny Del Negro plays him heavy minutes. But hey, he hustles, right?

Great Successes in NBA Basketballing - Week 3


Greg Oden
- Not only did Greg Oden make it through another week in the NBA without being injured, he’s also started playing some basketball. He followed a 22 point, 10 rebound victory against the Warriors with a second double-double the next night against the Bulls. Sure, he didn’t really do much against the Kings or Suns, but it’s just nice seeing him on the court. Well, it’s good that he’s playing. He’s still pretty terrifying to actually look at.

Dwyane Wade
- For the week, D-Wade averaged 31 points, 9 assists, 4 rebounds, 2 steals, and 3 blocks. Averaged. For a week. Dwyane Wade is in another stratosphere right now. There were some doubts that his Olympic showing was simply a matter of playing with superior teammates, but he’s proven that completely false. The Heat are playing pretty decent ball so far this season, and Dwyane Wade is the catalyst.

Donnie Walsh
- Just like the Heat, the Knicks are overachieving to start the season. That being said, head honcho Donnie Walsh realizes that this team is playing for a more important prize: LeBron James. Over the weekend, Walsh rid himself of $27.5 million in an obvious power play for the services of James in 2010. With the Nets stadium in limbo, the Knicks become that much more attractive to the league’s biggest star. Walsh has put himself in the running while not completely jeopardizing the progress that Mike D’Antoni has made this year.

Stephon Marbury
- While still 4th on the Knicks depth chart behind such luminaries as Anthony Roberson and Cuttino Mobley, anytime a guard leaves the Knicks, Starbury comes that much closer to the court. It’s not likely that Steph will ever see the court, but maybe he can get some practice time. He’s got fresh legs!

Jamal Crawford
- If ever there were a player destined to play for Don Nelson it was Dirk Nowitzki. But if there were ever a second player destined to play for Don Nelson it was Baron Davis. Somewhere down the line, thought, Jamal Crawford was made for Nellieball. Traded in the midst of his best season while in Mike D’Antoni’s freewheeling offense, Crawford goes to the only place more freewheelinger, the Dubs. His defensive gambling will be embraced, his skinny frame will be exalted, and his lack of conscious will be totally normal.

Marko Jaric
- A quick Wikipedia search confirms that he’s still engaged to Adriana Lima. There remains no bigger stud in the NBA than Marko Jaric.

November 21, 2008

The Monkey Is In The Basketball!

Why wouldn't it be?

Note: this is an actual show on an actual network.

via Videogum

Stephon Marbury Reacts to the Trade of Jamal Crawford

Ey yo Mike MIKE HEY MIKE is Steph aka the Motherland aka Stephonious aka Stereophonics on the ones and twos aka Peace to Bambaataa you know I hear we traded Jameer Crawfish or whateva and Ima just lettin you know that Stephybaby is ready baby I been workin this game HARD this year mustache you don't even know I been down in the streets gettin this game right like a Republican and Im lookin tight yo no homo but my game is killin right now jus the otha day I put up 35 on fifteen a fitty shooting thats nice mustache but then like I also been watchin Knicks games and know you want us shootin in seven seconds which is NOT a problem trust me so now that we got rid a that Crawster dude Steph ready to play point again the fat dude on the bench is buggin out yo get me away from him but I promise Ill pass to the new wrinkle head cat if he wide open or somethin itll be off the hook son holla.

November 19, 2008

Mike D'Antoni's Having Sympathy Pains

Oh, my back hurts because I'm sooooo sexy. Want to comb my mustache?

First, it was Danilo Gallinari:

Rookie Danilo Gallinari did not travel with the KnicksNew York Knicks on their two-game road trip, staying behind to have a battery of tests on his back to rule out possible surgery, according to a team source.

The source said an MRI will be among the tests performed on the 20-year-old, who has suffered from a bulging disc since mid-July. The pain level in the Italian Stallion's lower back and leg increased the past few days, causing growing concern among the team's medical staff that new treatment may be needed for the 6-foot-10 forward from Milan, who was selected sixth overall in this year's draft.

Now, it's Mike D'Antoni:

If Mike D’Antoni is a few degrees shy of upright and grimacing, it is not because he is feeling the strain of coaching the Knicks. It is because his lower back is killing him.

D’Antoni has been dealing with debilitating back pain for more than a week. It became so bad last Friday he thought he might miss the Knicks’ home game against Oklahoma City.

I've heard of protecting your young players from the media, but this is ludicrous. Just because D'Antoni is friends with Gallinari's dad doesn't mean he should be faking injuries to make his son more comfortable. And that's obviously what's happening.

Oh, you Italians with your weak backs and womanizing ways. That's what you get for stealing our women and trying to make mustache's cool.

November 18, 2008

The Spurs Diagram Their Final Play

Roger Mason: you sure you want me taking this shot? I'm happy to take it, it's just a little weird that you're asking me. Just hold up one finger if you want me to shoot it.Gregg Popovich: I wouldn't have called the play if I didn't want you to shoot it. Also, I'm still bearded. I'm wise. I'm WISE! So, I guess, let's see...(raises finger). There, good?
Roger Mason: Yeah, cool. Just like me. I was just surprised. Tim, do you think this makes sense?

Tim Duncan: (robot noises) BEEEP BOOP BOP BEEP...CALCULATING...ROGER MASON BALL SHOOT CONFIRMED BEEP BOOP (robot noises)Tony Parker: He shood zhoot zee ball, no? Zees Vrogers Mason vith hees Charlie Oakley hairs, must-a make-a zee three. Oui?

Eva Longoria: I'm useless.

Tony Parker: BAGUETTE!

Roger Mason: Here goes nothing.

(shot falls)

Whoa, sweet. It went in. No more, Junior!

Tim Duncan: (robot noises) BEEEP NOW COMMENCING SMILE....SMILE INITIATED (robot noises)

November 17, 2008

Shaq Want Eat Ref

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. What do I do? He's coming. He is so going to eat me. Think. Think quickly. Okay, in Jurassic Park, they stayed totally still. I'll try that. Did he notice me? I think he did.

What if I hold my breath? That'll help. That's got to help. Oh Lord, please let it help. I don't want it to end this way.

He's getting closer. I can't hold my breath much longer. Maybe a hand over the mouth will help. It's not helping. I'm going to explode. C'mon. Just a few seconds longer and he won't know I'm here. Fingers up the nose. It's my last chance.

He's going to swallow me whole. At least that'll be quick and painless. Well, quick at least. Tell my family I love them.

Wait. I'm still here. What happened?

Oh, Steve Nash, you're the best!

Is Anthony Morrow a Real Person? - A Blowtorch Investigation

Evidence for

Evidence against

There are only two logical results:

  1. Anthony Morrow is a real NBA player, who plays for the Golden State Warriors. He can only play for the Golden State Warriors, since his main skill is scoring. Upon joining another team, he would be Damien Wilkins (read: shoots too much, hated, annoying).

  2. Anthony Morrow is a construct. Concocted by a Dustin Hoffman in Wag the Dog type, "Morrow" was created to assuage concerns by the Golden State faithful. His existence is predicated on the concept of fairness. After Monta Ellis' injury, "Anthony Morrow" was created so that Warriors fans can have something to be happy about. Upon Ellis' return, "Morrow" will cease to exist.

The truth is out there.

November 14, 2008

Even More Rasheed Wallace Greatness

Last night, I was thinking that Sheed's tattoos were starting to fade. However, he's apparently had all the ink transferred to his back (:20 mark).

Wow. Sheed is just wow.

via Alana G, by way of Yardbarker

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Free Darko Book Launch Edition

  • Whilst at the Free Darko book launch, some humans ended up watching the Warriors-Pistons game. This guy came in the game. I had never seen this man in my life. It was the first time I've been stumped on a player in a long, long time. To make things worse, every time the cameras were close to showing the back of his jersey, they'd cut away or he'd turn around. It was as if he was taunting us with his anonymity. Turns out, he's named Anthony Morrow, an undrafted rookie signed by Golden State. A player so unknown that has no picture or bio for him. Of course, he ended up playing significant minutes down the stretch.

  • Outside of Stephen Jackson, Andris Biedrins, and Corey Maggette, watching the Warriors is no longer fun for me. I think it's mostly due to Nelson and his refusal to settle on a rotation. There are only three possible explanations:

    1) He's trying to prove that the roster he's been given is in adequate in a push to have Mullin ousted.
    2) He's tinkering and trying to find the right combination of players to keep the ship afloat until Monta gets back.
    3) He feels his system can account for the severe talent drop-off after his three best players.

    He won't settle on a point guard. He plays Azubuike a lot of minutes at a position where he takes a lot of jumpers, even though he's a terrible jump-shooter. He's just now figuring out how to use Brandan Wright. He's running Stephen Jackson in to the ground. Frankly, his lineup choices are terrible and I help thinking that it's because he's selling out Mullin.

  • It's WAY too early to tell, but the Iverson trade has really messed up the Pistons. They are a mess on defense and his propensity to dominate the ball, coupled with the Pistons deferrential nature seems like a bad mix. I'm a big, big fan of this team (and the majority of the players on the roster) but I have a bad feeling that Curry's inexperience and subsequent lack of respect will be the Pistons' downfall. To get through to Wallace and Iverson AND get the most out of their young players, they need a very strong coach. It's unlikely that Curry is that guy.


  • The Free Darko party was everything I expected and more. The pizza was great. The awkwardness whenever anyone would enter the room was even better. I am continually amazed at how open and friendly and receptive bloggers are in person.

  • It seemed like a joke in the post, but we really read the manifesto in unison. Surely this frightened the party in the next room. Most strange is that the first few lines of the manifesto, when read aloud, definitely sound like an altar call from a church.

November 13, 2008

1000 Words: Meanwhile, at Spurs Practice...

Gregg Popovich (second from right, striped shirt) looks on while the Spurs prepare for the Houston rockets.
image via Kottke

The Blowtorch Presents ... Injury Reports

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Injury Reports


  • A second banana is introduced.
  • Injuries are discussed.
  • Josh Howard battles inner demons.
  • Music from Little Joy.

November 12, 2008

The Beautiful Mystery of Basketball

Kevin Love: Oh, it's so magical. I've never seen anything quite like it.

Andris Biedrins: Yah, ess vunderfawl. I like-a ze vay zat eet lukes. Vhat ees eet?

KL: Ha. Like I'm going to tell you. Idiot.

AB: Comes on, Kayvuhn. Jahst tell me. I promeice zat I vill not tell anyvahn.

KL: I don't trust foreigners.

AB: Kayvuhn, tell me. Tell Andris what zat magic ees. I have nayvor seen anyseeng like zit.

KL: Man, get your hands off me. The Love Doctor only sees female clients.

AB: But Kayvuhn, who can tell Andris vhat eet ees?

KL: Ask that drunk guy by your bench.


AB: Vhat a vaste.

Mike D'Antoni is Dismayed

Are you kidding me? What do I have to do to beat the Spurs?! I mean, seriously, what? This is getting ridiculous. I hate those guys. It's stupid. UGH! I hate my life.

Let's run down the list of reasons that I shouldn't have lost this game:

a) the Spurs suck right now. I coach the God-forsaken New York Knicks and WE HAVE A BETTER RECORD! The Knicks. My team. Better record than the Spurs and we still lost.

b) Balki isn't playing. I hate that no good, flopping, balding piece of garbage but at least then I can understand why I'd lose. But Roger Mason, Jr.? Gimme a break.

c) The smelly Frenchie isn't playing. I still don't get how Tony Parker's the French one, while Jacque Vaughn is an American but whatever. He's out too!

d) My mustache is WAY sexier than Popovich's old-timey Civil War beard. He looks like a fat Donald Sutherland.

I can't figure it out. I mean, it's definitely NOT my system. People wrote books about how good this thing is. Does Castaway have books written about his system? Didn't think so. Oh great. He's coming over here. Play it cool, Mike.

Hey, Coach! Great to see you! Oh, you guys looked great tonight. Great, great game. I hope Tony and Manu get healthy. I'd hate to see you guys without them for too long. And let me say, I LOVE your beard. It looks excellent. Well, gotta run. Good luck this year.

(whispering as Popovich walks away)
I hate you so much.

November 11, 2008

When Isiah Thomas Says to Play It Smart, You Better Play It Smart

Oh, Internet. Thanks for existing and having a searchable database of public service announcements.

Obama Balling on Election Day

The teams were named "That One," something John McCain called Barack Obama during one of the debates and "This One."

Hail to the chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing.

Stephon Marbury Reminds You to Vote

Ay yo this Stephon Marbury aka Starbury aka the Starchild aka the Mothership Connection aka America I'm just reminding all y'all to get out and vote today just like every year on the second Tuesday of Novemba we gotta elec a new President so make sure you get that vote out son we only get to do this once a year but this year we gotta do it right so go getcha vote on go in that booth and make your choice either for that old dude with the hot chick that I wanna get in the truck or that black dude who balls out and chills with that other old dude with the big teeth either way make sure you get yo self to the voting today and choose our President for the next year we do it again next year but for reals this important yo holla.

November 10, 2008

A Tribute to the Worst Signature Shoe Ever

I spend a lot of time thinking about what would be the worst signature shoe ever, usually between three and four hours a day. That's why it's really weird that I forgot that they had already been created.

That's right, those are Master P's signature Converse. You remember Master P, right? He's probably the worst rapper ever and he played in the preseason for the Raptors.

It's hard to imagine why Converse went bankrupt.

(Side note: I'm slowly becoming convinced that the Raptors are the funniest NBA franchise. If the internet had been around during their inception, we'd be regaled with some hilarious, hilarious things.)

(Other side note: Here's the entire No Limit discography if you hate your ears.)