December 27, 2007

Happy Boxing Day

Here's a post-Christmas treat. Thank me later.

December 21, 2007

Marshmallows Roasting on an Open Fire

Please listen to today's Basketball Jones podcast for nuggets like this:

Tas: have the mallows?

Skeets: What?

Tas: The mallows. Do you have the mallows?

Skeets: Marshmallows.

Tas: Yeah, we're gonna roast 'em.

Skeets: Chestnuts, man.

Tas: Yeah, whatever.

December 20, 2007

Race-Off: Andres Nocioni

Race-Off will be a (possibly) regularly occurring thing here on El Blowtorch. Basically, we’ll take a fellow of questionable ethnicity and examine if he’s “white” or “not so much” based on five essential categories.

This past Saturday was December 15th, which means player signed to contracts are now available to be included in trades. One of these players is the Chicago Bulls’ Andres Nocioni who has become a fan favorite in and around the city. Radio shows proclaim him their favorite player, fans grow terrible goatees, and reporters fawn over this Argentinean Shaggy. It isn’t a stretch of the imagination to assume that many white fans are drawn to white players, but being from Argentina, is Nocioni really white?

To the categories:

OUTSIDE SHOOTINGthe trademark of the white player
Nocioni is shooting 32% from 3-point range (not in the top 100 in the league), but has still attempted 4.4 per game (30th). Nocioni, in this respect, is a microcosm of the Bulls’ struggles; he thinks he can shoot but, thus far, he cannot.
Verdict: NOT SO MUCH
ASSISTINGanother stereotypically white quality
Nocioni currently averages .99 assists and 1.1 turnovers per 40 minutes. Dude DOES NOT pass.
Verdict: NOT SO MUCH
HUSTLE PLAYScharges taken, diving on the floor, other things you see in Hoosiers
Nocioni is the biggest flopper not named Ginobili or Varejao (another Race-Off candidate). He’s on the ground just about as much as he’s on the court.
Verdict: WHITE
COACHABILITYmore of a feel thing than any quantifiable characteristic
Head on over to Blog-A-Bull to read the many exploits of Scott Skiles’ favorite South American! Go there curious and leave depressed!
Verdict: WHITE
LOOKSdoes the fellow remind you of a white guy?

Verdict: WHITE

There we have it – Andres Nocioni, white after all. Carry on supporting him, Most White Bulls Fans!

December 19, 2007

Rasheed Wallace Perfected the Remix

I've got a post on Andres Nocioni in the works, but this needs to be seen.

Kudos to Kelly Dwyer by way of Can't Stop the Bleeding.

UPDATE: Go peep my new Suns piece, on their rookies.

December 14, 2007

6 Guys from Back In the Day That Cracked Me Up When I Was Young

I don't think anyone ever liked Xavier McDaniel but his name is hilarious.

When this is the best picture that turns up for a Jack Haley search it's not a good sign.

Still not as ugly as his free-throws.

Sideways flat-top? Yes, please.


Manute Bol - human?

December 12, 2007

King for a Day

Two fantastical announcements:

  • I'm now scrawling Suns-oriented silliness over at Born and Raised. Get your blog game on.
  • BLOG SHOW, SON. Chicka-chicka-wha??? Peep it! (about the 5 minute mark)

YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! Go get their shirt while the official Blowtorch one is in the works.

December 5, 2007

Kid Delicious It Is

After 1200 votes, the Official Kevin Durant Nickname Extravaganza has come to a close. With no further ado, the Blowtorch presents to you:


Suggested by commenter "joejoejoe" way back when, Kid Delicious (appropriated from pool legend Danny Basavich) is both descriptive and name-associative: Kevin Durant - Kid Delicious.
Please join me, blogosphere, as we push Kid Delicious to heights unknown.

December 4, 2007


Get your votes in. Kid Delicious leads by a scant 8 votes with seven hours of voting remaining.


December 3, 2007

All We Want for Christmas

With only 3 weeks until Christmas, let's check in with fans across the league to see what they want most from their favorite NBA team:

Atlanta Hawks - realized potential. Also, a new GM.

Boston Celtics - a championship.

Charlotte Bobcats - for all of their players to be as good as they were in college.

Chicago Bulls - the head of Scott Skiles, Tyrus Thomas in the starting line-up, and Joakim Noah on the floor.

Cleveland Cavaliers - that signing Varejao is incentive enough for LeBron to stick around. Oh, and to sign Varejao.

Dallas Mavericks - anything but the Warriors.

Denver Nuggets - more guys with cornrows, headbands, and armsleeves.

Detroit Pistons - a championship.

Golden State Warriors - the Mavericks in every playoff series.

Houston Rockets - they'll tell you a championship, but getting out of the first round would make them happy.

Indiana Pacers - the opportunity to draft Kevin Love.

Los Angeles Clippers - stronger leg ligaments.

Los Angeles Lakers - help for Kobe, so he'll stick around and continue to look good while not winning championships.

Memphis Grizzlies - that this year is Darko's breakout year. Also, more Spaniards.

Miami Heat - 2006.

Milwaukee Bucks - having averted an international disaster, Bucks fans are pretty happy right now. Some bratwurst would be nice though.

Minnesota Timberwolves - to wake up Christmas morning and find out that the Garnett trade was a dream.

New Jersey Nets - that some sucker team decides they want Vince Carter. Or that Vince Carter gets a set of balls for Christmas.

New Orleans Hornets - Chris Paul to stay healthy.

New York Knicks - a new coach, a new GM, a new roster, a championship, and more intern sex. New York fans are greedy.

Orlando Magic - that the team can keep this going.

Philadelphia 76ers - that Iverson dude.

Phoenix Suns - a championship.

Portland Trailblazers - that micro-fracture surgery really isn't anything to worry about.

Sacramento Kings - less ugly players.

San Antonio Spurs - a championship.

Seattle SuperSonics - that this time next year they're still the SEATTLE SuperSonics.

Toronto Raptors - a stronger exchange rate for the US dollar. Also, that Chris Bosh shows some kind of improvement.

Utah Jazz - chest hair trimmer for Carlos Boozer.

Washington Wizards - that micro-fracture surgery really isn't anything to worry about.