Charlie Villanueva Riche

Hello there, Mr. Villa...umm...Villanewva? I do hope that's right. I'm Preston Von Grippe, and I just wanted to come and welcome you to the area. It has been AGES since we had a professional athlete around here. They have all the money in the world, but just no taste. Quite a shame. Might I enter your backyard?

(Preston opens the gate to the fence and saunters gingerly in to Charlie Villanueva's backyard, where he finds Charlie in his new hot tub.)

Oh, for shame, Charlie. Here in the Hamptons, we would never have something as ostentatious as a champagne hot tub. And the rope is SO garish. Obviously, you're "new money." Not that that's a problem. It's just...obvious.

It is Charlie, right? I suspect your parents called you Charlie, didn't they? That's too bad. Charles is such a nice, mature, respectable name. In fact, my mummy's father is named Charles. That's where I got the name for my yacht after all.

But don't mind me, Charlie. You seem to be enjoying your swim, so I'll let you continue. Muffy and I will be sailing on the S.S Charles for the next couple days, so I'll tell my children, Tad and Arabella, to make sure not to bother you. The weather the next couple days is to die for, and I wouldn't want your bubble bath to be interrupted.

By the way, Charlie, if you'd like to join the brood and I for a late dinner this evening, please do so. We tend to eat late, in the manner of the Spanish, so keep that in mind. That is, of course, if you've ever even had tapas.

I jest! It's going to be great having you as a neighbor, Charlie. I'm SO happy that you got that nice contract for playing your little games. Maybe sometime I can teach you croquet. You know, a gentleman's game. No "short pants" like that basketball you play. I assure you that this will be a most exquisite summer.

Toodles!

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Free Darko Book Launch Edition

• Whilst at the Free Darko book launch, some humans ended up watching the Warriors-Pistons game. This guy came in the game. I had never seen this man in my life. It was the first time I've been stumped on a player in a long, long time. To make things worse, every time the cameras were close to showing the back of his jersey, they'd cut away or he'd turn around. It was as if he was taunting us with his anonymity. Turns out, he's named Anthony Morrow, an undrafted rookie signed by Golden State. A player so unknown that NBA.com has no picture or bio for him. Of course, he ended up playing significant minutes down the stretch.


• Outside of Stephen Jackson, Andris Biedrins, and Corey Maggette, watching the Warriors is no longer fun for me. I think it's mostly due to Nelson and his refusal to settle on a rotation. There are only three possible explanations:
  
  1) He's trying to prove that the roster he's been given is in adequate in a push to have Mullin ousted.
  2) He's tinkering and trying to find the right combination of players to keep the ship afloat until Monta gets back.
  3) He feels his system can account for the severe talent drop-off after his three best players.
  
  He won't settle on a point guard. He plays Azubuike a lot of minutes at a position where he takes a lot of jumpers, even though he's a terrible jump-shooter. He's just now figuring out how to use Brandan Wright. He's running Stephen Jackson in to the ground. Frankly, his lineup choices are terrible and I help thinking that it's because he's selling out Mullin.


• It's WAY too early to tell, but the Iverson trade has really messed up the Pistons. They are a mess on defense and his propensity to dominate the ball, coupled with the Pistons deferrential nature seems like a bad mix. I'm a big, big fan of this team (and the majority of the players on the roster) but I have a bad feeling that Curry's inexperience and subsequent lack of respect will be the Pistons' downfall. To get through to Wallace and Iverson AND get the most out of their young players, they need a very strong coach. It's unlikely that Curry is that guy.

END BASKETBALL ANALYSIS

• The Free Darko party was everything I expected and more. The pizza was great. The awkwardness whenever anyone would enter the room was even better. I am continually amazed at how open and friendly and receptive bloggers are in person.


• It seemed like a joke in the post, but we really read the manifesto in unison. Surely this frightened the party in the next room. Most strange is that the first few lines of the manifesto, when read aloud, definitely sound like an altar call from a church.
  

More Rasheed Wallace Greatness

The Pistons pumped gas for people. A whole twenty dollars worth. Good for the Pistons.

However, the best part of this is that it's obvious that Rasheed doesn't pump his own gas. Note the hose going over the car and the handle upside down.

Oh, Rasheed. Your pampered millionaire ways are so silly.

COP MICHAEL CURRY'S NEW MIXTAPE

YahnahImean, Mike Curry head coach of the Pistons is dropping his new mixtape, One MC and 12 DPs this weekend. HOT FIRE Y'ALL!

Featuring such hits as:

• A Milli (Wins)
• Pist-Ons for the City
• Motown 25 Freestyle
• DEEE-TROIT Basketball (feat. Eminem and Kid Rock)

Available only at DetroitBadBoys.com.

Another Reason I Love Rasheed Wallace

"Rasheed Wallace went at Kwame Brown full-throttle at the end of practice Tuesday. It started when Brown said that he would put Wallace 'in the trunk and lock him up.' Wallace went off. 'There is no way on God's green earth that you can lock me up, ever, ever, ever,' he said. 'You couldn't lock me up in when you were in D.C. or L.A., nowhere. You're lucky you never had to face me in high school.' Brown hooted on Wallace for sitting out the last couple of minutes of the scrimmage, telling him, 'Go get your rest, old man.' That only fired Wallace up more. 'Yeah, I need my rest because I am working. I'm not out there lollygagging like you,' Wallace shouted. Brown soon scored on two aggressive plays, but Wallace wasn't impressed. 'Yeah, Kwame, two baskets in two-and-a-half hours,' he said."

From The Detroit News via Henry

The Annotated Kwame Brown

Since Kwame Brown has signed with the Pistons, what better time to re-examine his legendary mugshot? I've noted 5 things here, but I'm sure there's more. Feel free to add them in the comments.

Pistons vs 76ers Liveblog

I'll be over at the Sports by Brooks mansion for the Detroit-Philly tilt tonight. Come join me. It should be fun watching Rasheed Wallace embarrass himself in front of his hometown.

The Weakest Link: Detroit Pistons

Someone, possibly Karl Marx, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Detroit Pistons and Lindsey Hunter…

I bet you didn’t even know that Lindsey Hunter was on the Pistons. I didn’t. And honestly, I can’t believe he’s still playing. He played on a team with Isiah Thomas and Joe Dumars. When they were players. So kudos to Lindsey Hunter for still being able to play basketball, I suppose.

However, here are the headlines from this season (along with my thoughts) on NBA.com about Lindsey Hunter:

Oct. 15, 2007 – First Action of the Preseason
When it’s news that you actually played in a preseason game, that’s no bueno.
Oct. 27, 2007 – Could Play More Than Expected
Seems encouraging.
Nov. 15, 2007 – First Action of the Season
Three weeks from “could play more” to first action is not a good sign.
Dec. 6, 2007 – Season-high 12 Minutes
Yeah……
Jan. 11, 2008 – Seven Points in Return
Those 7 points are exactly 1/6 of all points that Lindsey has scored this year.
Mar. 15, 2008 – Return to Action on March 19
No stories for two months?

Pistons fans, if Lindsey Hunter plays in the playoffs you’ll either be really happy or really sad.

Fun Facts:
Was once suspended for testing positive for diet pills…Middle name is Benson…On road trips, Hunter can often be found frequenting local honkytonks and piano bars where he will often challenge another pianist to duel…second cousin of actress Holly Hunter and model Rachel Hunter…favorite song is “Motownphilly” by singing group Boys II Men

Proof That Lindsey Hunter is Indifferent About Playing in NBA Games:

Arron Afflalo's mom must have been terrible at spelling

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Arron Afflalo

Strengths: good midrange game, able to contribute right away, strong defender
Weaknesses: not very athletic, won't be a big scorer, name is spelled way crazy

NBA Comparison (best-case): Shane Battier
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Keith Bogans
NBA Comparison (most likely): Raja Bell

Rodney Stuckey appears to be very sleepy

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Rodney Stuckey

Strengths: enjoys scoring baskets, quick first step, strong like bull
Weaknesses: tweener, not a great handle, name sound kind of gay


NBA Comparison (best-case): Dwyane Wade
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Dajuan Wagner
NBA Comparison (most likely): Randy Foye