I Saw Your Uncle Play Basketball Last Night

Your uncle is insane, man. I was at the gym last night and he showed up and he was angry. I don't even know what about; for all I know, someone drank all the coffee down at the post office before he had a chance to get a cup. I just know he was mad.

You know how your uncle gets when he's mad, right? He gets that crazy look in his eye like he doesn't want to hurt you, but if he does hurt you, tough break. He had that look all night. Every time he got the ball his face would screw up and he'd basically just try and run in to everybody. It was a little scary.

Oh, thanks for mentioning that he'd lost so much hair. It's been a while since I've seen your uncle, and if you hadn't given me the heads-up, I wouldn't have realized it was him. He's lost A LOT of hair. Like, a significant portion of it. Any idea why he doesn't just cut his hair short? Like Bruce Willis it. Seems like that'd be a better move. I wasn't going to say anything though. I didn't want to get punched.

It's not my place to say anything, but maybe you should take your uncle out to dinner and talk some things through. He looks like he's going through some rough stuff. And maybe bring him a hat or something because he's really missing that hair. You'll know what I mean when you see him. He's definitely missing it.

A Tribute to the Worst Signature Shoe Ever

I spend a lot of time thinking about what would be the worst signature shoe ever, usually between three and four hours a day. That's why it's really weird that I forgot that they had already been created.

That's right, those are Master P's signature Converse. You remember Master P, right? He's probably the worst rapper ever and he played in the preseason for the Raptors.

It's hard to imagine why Converse went bankrupt.

(Side note: I'm slowly becoming convinced that the Raptors are the funniest NBA franchise. If the internet had been around during their inception, we'd be regaled with some hilarious, hilarious things.)

(Other side note: Here's the entire No Limit discography if you hate your ears.)

The Raptors Model Their New Jerseys

Jose Calderon: Hello! My name is Jose. I like to wear jerseys. Today, I have an American friend in the studio with me. I met him at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. Do you want to meet him? Do you? Do you? Okay, his name is Chris Bosh and he's ever so friendly.

Chris Bosh: Yo, how you doin'?

JC: My dad works for a big Spanish company and might be getting into business with his dad.

CB: My old man's in construction.

JC: Vinnie, didn't you think that our new jerseys are ever so fun?

CB: They don't suck.

JC: I love our new jerseys. I want to wear they all day long.

Were you looking at my bum? Bum-lookers, cheeky monkeys, all of you! Don't look.

CB: HEY! Were you lookin' at my booty? Don't look at my booty! Booty-looker!

[To Jose]

They was lookin' at my booty!

JC: Don't let 'em. Don't let 'em. Don't.

CB: Speakin' of booties, I just made a fart.

JC: I thought it just got warmer in here. Cheeky monkey!

My daddy says that Americans and Spanish people are seperated by a disagreement on facial hair.

CB: All's I know is that my dad could take your dad.

JC: That's probably true because, sadly, my dad doesn't carry firearms. Did it just get warmer in here again?

CB: Maybe.

JC: Cheeky monkey!

The Weakest Link: Toronto Raptors

Someone, possibly a ninja, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Toronto Raptors and Joey Graham…

Maybe it’s a twin thing. I don’t know. But if you look at the history of NBA twins, it is not a happy one. We’ve already looked at the Collins twins (one terrible, one really bad). Another famous example is the Grant twins, Horace (pretty good) and Harvey (not very good at all). Maybe it comes from being split up, and therefore having their basketball ability halved. Like I said, I don’t know.

Anyways, the latest terrible basketball player to maybe make an impact on this year’s playoffs is Joey Graham. Along with twin brother Steve, the Grahams have had little to no impact on the basketball world. Mr. J.E. Skeets says Joey is “dumb as rocks.” But maybe it’s simpler than that. Maybe Joey just misses Stevie. Maybe he wishes they could be basketball brothers again. Or maybe he just sucks.

Yeah, it’s probably that last part.

Fun Facts:
Is a licensed pilot…though he usually shaves his head, Joey has blonde hair…favorite Subway sandwich is Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki…has an extensive dragonfly collection…along with brother Steve, owns several bed and breakfasts in Oklahoma

Further Proof That Twins Aren’t That Good When Separated:

Random Fact - Jamario Moon, pt. 7

Surely you are curious how NBA sensation Jamario Moon acquired his most-unusal name. While digging through ancient scrolls, the Blowtorch has uncovered the secret behind this blessed basketball player:

While pregnant, Jamario's mother travelled to the northernmost part of Madagscar. There she encountered a sooth-sayer named Jai-om Maroon. This seer promised great things for her baby, but only if she were to name the baby some combination of his own name.

Jamario's mother, Ruby Thomas, traversed the Eastern Hemisphere searching for inspiration for a name suitable to fulfill the prophecy of Jai-om. Nearing the birth of her son, Ruby had a dream filled with tubes, stars, and letters. Delving further in to the dream Ruby discovered amongst the clouds the juxtaposition she was searching for JAMARIO. Thankfully, paired with the surname of her son's father (John Moon) Ruby would complete the task given to her many months before. It has been said that the number of months that Ruby searched for a name (6) is equal to the number of years that Jamario waited to enter the NBA.

Picture courtesy of Dinosty