Back to the Future IV

"Alright, here's the pitch; we send Kevin Love, Luke Walton, Kevin Martin, Spencer Hawes, and Kosta Koufos back to the early 90s when they're playing bitty basketball. If they don't get back to the future before the Summer of 2010, they'll tear a hole in the space time continuum and LeBron James will decide to play bass for the recently reformed Limp Bizkit."

A Couple of Your Buddies Played Basketball Last Night

Last night, I went to the gym with my best friend. First we lifted some weights (back day), then we decided we'd play some basketball to get our cardio on. It was pretty fun.

Then your buddies showed up.

Your friend, Jeff? That guys sucks. He's got the most annoying voice on Earth and he would not shut up. Oh, and I'm pretty sure his elbows are made of razorwire. I don't know what his problem is, but he was throwing elbows at everyone. What a jerk. I mean, seriously, who plays basketball with gel in their hair?

Kevin seemed alright, except: a) line beard. You know I hate line beards, and b) holy cow is he sweaty. I kind of felt bad for him, it was really gross. But then I remembered his line beard and didn't feel quite as bad.

I think you need to tell your friends to chill out the next time they come to the gym. They were playing WAY harder than anyone else, and it was really getting on everybody's nerves. It's cool that they were trying to "take the competition up a notch," or whatever, but they were really lame. Jeff kept making these really inappropriate jokes then laughing to himself with this smug smile. It really weirded me out.

I don't mean to be a jerk, but if those guys don't relax, they're not welcome at X-Sport Fitness.

The Beautiful Mystery of Basketball

Kevin Love: Oh, it's so magical. I've never seen anything quite like it.

Andris Biedrins: Yah, ess vunderfawl. I like-a ze vay zat eet lukes. Vhat ees eet?

KL: Ha. Like I'm going to tell you. Idiot.

AB: Comes on, Kayvuhn. Jahst tell me. I promeice zat I vill not tell anyvahn.

KL: I don't trust foreigners.

AB: Kayvuhn, tell me. Tell Andris what zat magic ees. I have nayvor seen anyseeng like zit.

KL: Man, get your hands off me. The Love Doctor only sees female clients.

AB: But Kayvuhn, who can tell Andris vhat eet ees?

KL: Ask that drunk guy by your bench.

Don Nelson: OH SWEET CANDIED YAMS, THAT'S AMAZING! SOMEBODY GRAB ME A BREWSKI AND CHECK THIS THING OUT! BETTER YET, BRING LIKE NINE! I FEEL LIKE A KID AGAIN!

AB: Vhat a vaste.

There's a Reason My Last Name's Love

Awwwww, yeah girl. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’, “that Kevin Love looks HOTT in that new Twolves jersey.” Well I got news for you, baby. KLove’s gonna make this jersey work.

I’ll come by later, wearing my jersey, singing “Business Time.” Cause you know when KLove gets down to business, it’s business time. Play your cards right and we might be talkin’ 2 am burritos at El Mex. If you’re lucky, I might let you wear this jersey, girl.

Haha, I’m just playin’. You know KLove ain’t givin’ up this jersey. Even your fine self can’t work this jersey like KLove.

The blue makes my eyes pop? You know what else is poppin’? Yeah, you do girl. I call it KBone. And that’s what I’m gonna do. Why don’t you come a little closer and I’ll show you why McHale didn’t need Mayo. That’s right, we’ll be talkin’ trades ALL NIGHT. Like you tradin’ your man for KLove.

You like the way I got this ball spinnin’? That’s just the start, baby. Let these fingers do their thing and KLove’ll do his. I’m talkin’ outlet passes to your front court. I’m talkin’ back door passes to your…well, your back door. I’m talkin’ you trimmin’ my linebeard. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it. You won’t be the first and you certainly won’t be the last.

But, for real, girl. I’ll enroll you at UCLA. The University of Climax, Love Academy. And you know who the dean is? KLove. Don’t worry, your application has already been approved and I’ve got your grant right here.

Kevin Love

Kevin Love shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

Inside the Minnesota Timberwolves War Room

Kevin McHale: Alright! Time for draftin'! Kevin MickeyAle loves him some draftin'. Scouts, get up in here! Kevin McHale: Excellent. My two best chums. Scouts honor and all that. You two been checkin' them college guys out?

Lady Scout: Oh, yes sir, since last year's draft. Just like you said.

Man Scout: There's a bunch of really talented, athletic players available this year. Just what we need.

Kevin McHale: You two are some real pals. Let's have a looksy at our roster so far. Who's first?

Kevin McHale: Hah. Next.

Kevin McHale: Who's that?

Man Scout: Sebastian Telfair, sir.
Kevin McHale: Is that a real name? What's his deal?

Lady Scout: Ostensibly, he's a point guard. Kind of a disappointment.

Kevin McHale: Well we don't want any more of those. I like his hat though. Who else we got?

Kevin McHale: You guys are messing with me, right? That has to be Photoshopped. Who acquired that fat slob?

Lady Scout: Uh, you, sir.

Kevin McHale: Are you serious? Why would I want Antoine Walkman or whatever his name is? That's stupid.

Man Scout: You were pretty excited when he got here. He's got a championship, you said.

Kevin McHale: Well, championship experience is a plus.....anyways, who was that other big dude we had. Hal Jurgensen or something?

Lady Scout: Al Jefferson.

Kevin McHale: Sure, whatever. He's good right?

Man Scout: Yes, he's very good.

Kevin McHale: Why don't we just get another one of him?

Lady Scout: He's a bit undersized and that kills us defensively. Plus it'd be silly to have exact replicas.

Kevin McHale: But your buddy said he was good.

Lady Scout: He is.

Kevin McHale: Great. Tell me what players are exactly like him.

Man Scout: I suppose Kevin Love from UCLA is the closest to Al.

Kevin McHale: Kevin Love? From the Beach Boys?! I love the Beach Boys!

Lady Scout: No, he's a basketball player. His uncle was in the Beach Boys.

Kevin McHale: Close enough. How's his vertical?

Man Scout: Neglible.

Kevin McHale: JACKPOT!

A Match Made in Heaven (Or Indiana)

I heard somewhere that the NCAA tournament begins this week, and like many humans I’m a big fan. Not just for the sloppy shooting and overzealous emotion of the college kids, but also the chance to see some of next year’s rookies. In past years, future NBA stars Adam Morrison, JJ Redick, and Shelden Williams have had dominant tournaments that catapulted them to high draft picks and their subsequent establishment as franchise cornerstones. With that in mind, I popped over to Draft Express to see what they’re projecting for this summer’s draft, when what to my wondering eyes should appear? Kevin Love, slotted eleventh, thereby fulfilling his destiny of going to the Indiana Pacers.

You see, Indiana’s long standing tradition of institutional racism has brought about some strange results. Not only did they indirectly eliminate the Dallas Mavericks from last year’s playoffs, but for the past twenty years the Pacers have had at least one big white fellow.

In 1988, the Pacers acquired foreigner’s Rik Smits and Detlef Schrempf and the legacy began. Through the years, Indiana has soothed their fans by employing such legends as Dwayne Schintzius, Scot Pollard, and Austin Croshere. Last year’s acquisitions, Mike Dunleavy, Jr. and Troy Murphy, joined the surprisingly long-tenured Jeff Foster in an attempt to be the first frontcourt to survive solely on 15 foot jumpers.

And though there currently may be little room for Love in Indiana’s crowded big man rotation, a trade of noted brawler Jermaine O’Neal seems likely. With his clean reputation, lack of startling athleticism, and grasp of Right Way skills (rebounding, passing, not being particularly great at anything) Kevin Love was born to be a Pacer.