Performance Enhancers for the Portland Trailblazers

One of the things that I'm always telling Matt Moore is how I want every NBA player to completely maximize their potential. Clearly, this will never happen. However, thanks to certain shadowy connections I have made, I have procured the following items for the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. They have the pieces to challenge the Lakers and Spurs in the West, so I thought that giving them a little extra help would raise the level of the league just a touch. Here is what I acquired:

Robot Legs

For: Greg Oden

Advantages: Supports brittle bones that have been ravaged by osteoporosis. Improves lateral quickness. Improves jumping quickness. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: The only thing heavier than his actual legs.

Hook for a Hand

For: Lamarcus Aldridge

Advantages: Aids in grabbing tough rebounds. Frightens opposing players. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: Occasionally falls off of arm stump. Turns player in to a monster.

Shoe Lifts

For: Jerryd Bayless

Advantages: Makes player appear taller, therefore allowing him to play shooting guard.

Disadvantages: Kind of sissy.

Nunchucks

For: Brandon Roy

Advantages: Just seems like he'd like nunchucks.

Disadvantages: None.

Muscle Milk

For: Nicolas Batum

Advantages: Adds muscle. Tastes like milk.

Disadvantages: For bros.

Explaining Hook Shots

The hook shot is something near and dear to my heart. When the Trey Kerby YouTube mixtape (currently in production) finally drops, you best believe that there will be significant hooking involved, along with a very loud and ignorant rap song. That's the YouTube way.

Given these credentials, I'm pretty much the internet's leading expert on the hook shot. Furthermore, I have a degree in Health Science which allows me to explain things by using physics. Also, MS Paint lines/Helvetica.

Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:

1. Full extension of the shooting arm.
2. Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
3. Strange facial expression.

Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:

As you can see, Dwight has his elbow bent which prevents him from getting the proper arc on his hook. Plus his body is nearly facing his defender, whom he hasn't shielded with his off-arm. However, his face is pretty crazy, so that's working for him.

Now another successful hook shotta, Tim Duncan:Fully extended. Defender shielded. Face showing no emotion due to his cyborg innards. Two out of three ain't bad. MEATLOAF QUOTE.

Anyways, when Duncan decides to get balanced and shoot a real hook, it's perfect. Surprising. Of course, if you were Tim Duncan and could throw up anything and have it go in, why wouldn't you? Because you would. You know you would.

But here's Greg Oden:

While his arm is extended and he's trying to shield the defender, he just isn't doing it right. His hooks look like when your high school coach teaches you a hook shot, so you try it in a JV game and airball it short. But you got fouled and make both free throws anyway, so whatever. That's exactly what it looks like. His arm needs to be extended so that he can get some separation from his defender.

Here's our last comparison.

First, Pau Gasol:Good extension, shielding, and separation. Being that it's Pau Gasol, obviously his face is insane. THIS IS ONE OF THE KEYS.

But fellow European (not really) Kosta Koufas isn't so great:I guess if you're a Jazz fan, you love this hook shot and think it's better than Chris Paul. But it's wrong in a lot of ways. But it's Kosta Koufos, so it's basically irrelevant. But you should note that if you can't gain separation any other way, a solid kick in the groin is a great way to get your shot off too. Just ask Joel Pryzbilla.

But fear not, fellow humans, even if you go outside right now (don't go outside right now, it's cold) and shoot your first hook shot ever, you'll still be better than Josh McRoberts:

Greg Oden Feels Pretty

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty

That the city should give me its key.

A committee

Should be organized to honor me.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Great Oden's Foot Edition

• Maybe a week ago, Matt and I were talking about the prospects of Greg Oden. I'm in the "best dude ever" camp; Matt's a little more subdued/skeptical/other word starting with S. The main crux of his argument is that Oden might be injury-prone. I said, "worrying about injuries is silly." Matt got salty.
  
  However, Matt also appears to be right. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and today, I'm that big man.
• Due to internet obligations/my DVR being occupied by Dancing with the Stars and Without a Trace (not my choices), I only got to see about 10 minutes of the Bulls game. That's too bad, as it appears they are both exciting and maybe decent. Tyrus Thomas had a good game and Derrick Rose is for real. Larry Hughes being injured sure doesn't help hurt either.
• Skeets mentioned it last night, but I whole-heartedly agree that one of the best parts of the NBA season is seeing everybody's new hair/look/personal brand. It's hilarious.
  
  Particularly up for debate was Delonte West. I'm pro-hair as it makes him look less like a re-animated alien corpse, but that's just my opinion.
• Another important matter of business during the live blog was the creation of Goatman. Ergo, all posts this Friday will be done as Goatman, for Halloween. I don't know what that means, but it's going to happen.
• New podcast tomorrow, hopefully. It's available for subscription in iTunes now. Just search for the Blowtorch.
• More to come later...

The Blowtorch Presents ... Anticipatory Remarks

Pound for pound, I'm pretty live on the mic

Oh, what's that you say? You'd like to hear a podcast of the silliness you normally just read?

Fine.

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Anticipatory Remarks

Wherein:

• Marc Gasol is discussed.
• The word "gregarious" is used. Twice.
• Mario Chalmers is slandered.
• Clay Bennett raps.

Enjoy.

UPDATE:

Did Portland Know?

Greg Oden being out for the season really puts a damper on this whole rookie extravaganza I was expecting. However, as Ziller says, the Blazers may be in an even better situation next year. And while it's totally depressing that Gode has to miss this season, Portland's future is still crazy illuminated. Nonetheless, it's curious that Oden's knee would get so bad so quickly.

Here's what we know - the Blazers put Oden through a battery of medical tests before the draft. According to the most recent reports, his knee was "pristine." However, I have a hard time believing that Oden hurt his knee so severely that he would need surgery just from getting off his couch. I would surmise that there must have been some sort of underlying problem with his knee (and I'm not the only one), and either the Blazers team didn't catch it or they thought it wasn't serious enough to worry about. Or perhaps there was something more sinister to this.

I haven't even convinced myself that this is within the realm of feasibility, but I think there is some sliver of reality that the Blazers could have known that there was a chance this could happen. Think of it this way; the Blazers knew that adding Oden would not immediately vault them in to upper echelon status. And though it's an amazing stretch of the imagination to even contemplate this, couldn't the Blazers have possibly taken Oden with the knowledge that he could miss this year, therefore ensuring that they would have another high draft pick next year?

Thinking back, the acquisition of Channing Frye was suspicious. Portland gave up their best player (Zach Randolph) in return for a guy who would theoretically be backing up Oden and LaMarcus Aldridge. This is not a valuable trade for Portland, except that they rid themselves of Randolph's chemistry destroying ways. Therefore there is no one to challenge Brandon Roy's alpha dog status. The team gets a year to learn each other, then next year they add Oden and another top 5 pick? To me , that sounds like a terrific growth plan.

Yes, this theory is just this side of ludicrous and way past the line of risky. I'm sure I'll regret typing it in the morning, but just the thought that maybe, possibly, somehow the Blazers knew what they were getting in to really intrigues me. If this doesn't destroy Portland, this could end up beautifully for the Blazers. And if this ever ends up being the case I take my hat off to Kevin Pritchard.

Oden and Durant, a First Look

It's highly likely that Greg Oden is 195 years old

Somehow I got my hands on Greg Oden’s morning schedule.

4:30 am – awake without alarm
4:32 am – knees, ankles, hips crack 48 times while slowly rising from bed
4:34 am – puts on sanitary hose
4:35 am – puts on wool socks
4:36 am – puts on plaid slippers
4:39 am – arrive in kitchen after hobbling from bedroom
4:42 am – enjoy a terrific bowl of bran flakes with a 8 oz. glass of prune juice
4:47 am – chug an Ensure
4:50 am – out to peach basket hoop for 2 hours of underhanded free-throw practice
7:00 am – shower, wash hair with Selsum Blue
7:15 am – apply Old Spice liberally to neck
7:20 am – get dressed in short-sleeved button down plaid shirt and brown pants
7:24 am – floss
7:28 am – go outside for morning walk
7:29 am – realize it’s “nippy,” go inside and put on a heavy wool cardigan
7:32 am – go outside for morning walk
7:33 am – realize it’s bright out, go inside and put on oversized grey sunglasses
7:35 am – go outside for morning walk
7:45 am – after 2 times around the block, realize that feet hurt and go inside
7:48 am – drink glass of warm milk and fall asleep watching “Cold Pizza”
8:48 am – nearly have a heart attack while being awakened by Skip Bayless’ shouting
8:50 am – squeeze out 3 drops of urine thanks to enlarged prostate
8:59 am – grab box of Cheez-Its to sit down and watch “The Price Is Right”
9:07 am – sprain hip flexor screaming “ONE DOLLAR!!!!”
9:10 am – become insanely jealous over trailer home won by young 62 year old Martha
9:11 am – doze off dreaming of traveling the world in a trailer home with Martha
9:42 am – violently awaken, check heart to see if it’s still beating
10:00 am – agree with Bob Barker about the necessity of spaying and neutering your pets
10:04 am – be grizzled
10:29 am – begin preparing early bird lunch of liver and onions, a single slice of melba toast, a bowl of dark chocolate chips, and coffee
10:31 am – eat while reading the obituaries
10:35 am – get heartburn from chocolate, remember doctor prescribed an all bland diet
10:49 am – nap

Oderant

In case you didn’t know, Greg Oden is an absolute freak. Dude destroyed Kevin Durant in their individual workouts. He didn’t participate in the bench press (to avoid reinjuring his wrist) and still did as many reps as Durant (0). I’m really impressed with how quick Oden is. But that makes me wonder; a lot of times at Ohio State it looked like he was really slow to get up the court. Now that we know that he really can move, doesn't it make you question how hard he was really playing?

Now I can see that he doesn't want to get hurt before he turns pro, especially after he broke his wrist. But it definitely puts a little doubt in my brain that he was really killing himself to win like Kevin Durant was. Furthermore, the few times where Oden really cut loose (the Tennessee block, the Georgetown dunk attempt, and the national title game), he was a superhuman. I don't think that the possibility that he wasn't possessed in college (which he wouldn't have had to attend if not for Stern) is any reason to pass over him in the draft. These workouts just prove what a monster the TrailBlazers will be getting.