Mike Brown Sons Shaq at a Freestyle Battle

Uh

Uh

I gets busy / Call me Big Shaq D

Or The Big Freestyle / Doesn't matter to me

Killin' fools on the mic since I been about six

Flow so ill / Get Tylenol sick

Rippin' rhymes, rhymin' raps like my name Jay-Z

I'm a bad mammajamma call me Shaq Ali

I done rocked this beat / Pass the mic to Coach

Call him Meek Mike / He too scared to approach

(Shaq drops the microphone and enters the crowd, celebrating his presumed victory.)

(After Shaq has returned to the stage, Mike Brown casually picks up the microphone.)

Call me Meek Mike / Well I guess he's kinda right

Since I'll inherit this Earth cause my flow so tight

Ain't no Terry Porter / Ain't no S-V-G

Just remember, Bron's one, I'm two, you're three

See that's how it goes / I'ma put you in your place

Basically you're here just to take up space

Get back in shape / So your fat won't cost us

Or I'll have to sit you for Zydrunas Ilgauskas

A History of Bad Trades Throughout History

Lamar Odom trades the lives of many Trojans for a large horse, explaining "Hey guys, free horse!"

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Dick Rowe chooses to sign Brian Poole and The Tremeloes to a record contract, rather than The Beatles.

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I offer Danny Solecki a Jamal Mashburn/Dino Radja card package for a Grant Hill rookie card. He accepts.

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Cuba Gooding, Jr. willfully utters the line "Hey Michael! I'm wearing your underwear!" and receives several thousand dollars from Hanes. In return, he loses his dignity.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers acquire Shaquille O'Neal.

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Miss You, 1990s

Back in the 1990s, I was a Ken Griffey, Jr. fan. Who wasn't, right? We have shared experiences now. That's what makes us have things in common. Because having things in common means that we have shared experiences. Science. Vocabulary. The dictionary. Wikipedia.

So anyways, we were talking about how all of us liked Ken Griffey, Jr. so much that Pokey Reese actually became an important name to know, circa the Reds trade. And that's hilarious, because Pokey Reese. If you don't get it, sorry. It comes from him being bad while at the same time being named Pokey and not being an orange horse.

But we liked Ken Griffey, Jr. remember. Around the same time, my sister joined the Shaquille O'Neal fan club, which was called SHAQ WORLD or something. I've messed up the timeline because he was still in Orlando when she joined and we (me and you and everyone we know) liked Griffey in Seattle. So this was like 1995-ish, but I had to mention Pokey Reese, because obviously. If I remember right, I think the logo looked something like this, which I just drew on a Post-It:

But now, it's kinda sad seeing this picture because Griffey's all old and back on Seattle but not really wanted and he wears guyabera shirts that are too big because he's probably a little soft around the middle. And then Shaq tucks in his warm-up because that's what you do when you get to be near 40. And I bought my sister a Shaq ornament and the movie Kazaam for Christmas because those things actually exist and that fact is funny.

Sometimes I feel bad because these dudes used to be heroes but now they're sort of punchlines and barely hanging on. But then, it's like, "hey, Shaq and Ken Griffey, Jr. are still playing." That's pretty cool.

Shaq Want Eat Ref

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. What do I do? He's coming. He is so going to eat me. Think. Think quickly. Okay, in Jurassic Park, they stayed totally still. I'll try that. Did he notice me? I think he did.

What if I hold my breath? That'll help. That's got to help. Oh Lord, please let it help. I don't want it to end this way.

He's getting closer. I can't hold my breath much longer. Maybe a hand over the mouth will help. It's not helping. I'm going to explode. C'mon. Just a few seconds longer and he won't know I'm here. Fingers up the nose. It's my last chance.

He's going to swallow me whole. At least that'll be quick and painless. Well, quick at least. Tell my family I love them.

Wait. I'm still here. What happened?

Oh, Steve Nash, you're the best!

I See Your Shaq/Hakeem Taco Bell Commercial and Raise You One TacoNECK Commercial

Skeets' Taco Bell commercial was fun, but this one is tops. Peep Young Derek Fisher and Eddie Jones.

You're turn, Matt Moore.

Scientists Create Horrific Basketball Playing Monster

BLYTHE, CA -- Late news emerged last night as leading experts in genetic recombination failed in an attempt to create the perfect basketball player. Doctors Nick Hansen and Adam Logalbo sought to merge the perimeter dominance of Kobe Bryant with the size and strength of Shaquille O’Neal, but were instead disappointed with their result.

“We thought we had the perfect plan,” said Logalbo, “Shaq’s size and Kobe’s quickness would be an unstoppable beast. We did not plan on the personality conflicts having this much impact.”

As former teammates O’Neal and Bryant were often at odds; the combination of these two opposed demeanors was known to be a problem but the doctors were unsure of the severity until the monster was hatched.

“Everything seemed fine at first,” Hansen said, “but once Shakobe tried his first dunk things went haywire.”

The doctors began the first work out with some short jump shots and then Hansen and Logalbo decided to test the monster by having him dunk. As Shakobe O’Bryant, the doctor’s name for the monster, rose to dunk, its brain was essentially scrambled by the contrasting messages being sent by each original player’s preference.

“We think the Shaq part wanted to tear the rim off with a two-handed jam, but the Kobe part would have liked a one-handed, soaring dunk,” Hansen said.

After landing from the failed dunk attempt, the doctors noticed that the monster had lost awareness and continually shouted, “I’m the best! No, I’m the best!” in differing voices. Though discouraged, the doctors have not lost faith in their project.

Said Logalbo, “our next study, combining Steve Nash and Tim Duncan, should go much better.”

Maybe Shaq Just Wants to Wear Purple Again