Steve Nash's Identity Crisis

This has been a pretty hard last couple of years for Steve Nash. A year and a half ago, the villainous Steve Kerr traded away Shawn Marion for one of the NBA's biggest Bros, Shaquille O'Neal. Steve was pretty sad because Shaq wouldn't get out of the way so Steve had to slow down. But it was still all good because the Suns were winning. Until they weren't. When Tim Duncan made that three to kill the Suns, a part of Steve died.

Steve kept it together for a while, but when it turned out that the Suns weren't going to be good anymore he started saying things like:

• "I don't care if I win a title."
• "Shaq is such a bro."
• "Can someone bring me some chicken tenders?"
• "I have sadness."

And now that Shaq is gone, Steve is super sad because of the Suns being bad. He doesn't know what to do with his life. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty much a psychiatrist, and I can tell that he's going through a crisis.

Whereas Steve Nash used to be one of the most fun-loving Dudes in the NBA, now he's a confused Dude. He tried setting up his anti-hot dogs coalition, but that failed because people love hot dogs. Now, he's just trying anything to feel alive again.

For instance, he tried modelling:

I understand that he's just trying to find something to do with his time that makes him feel productive, but it's kinda sad. He's not even modelling good clothes, he's modelling things that look like you could buy them at a Goodwill.

And then when his modelling job tanked, Steve started "really getting in to music." He'd wander the streets of New York, coming up with horrible melodies that can't even get made in to songs. Naturally, he started dressing like his favorite Canadian musician, Celine Dion:

That's pretty sad, right? Obviously it is. No one should dress like Celine Dion, including Celine Dion.

So after a failed charity, a failed modelling career, and a failed music career, Steve turned to what any cold-blooded Canadian would: women.

I don't know why he's done it, but I'm guessing it has to do with taking his mind off basketball. It's kind of like in movies about rock stars how they just want to have ladies around so they don't feel so horribly alone.

All of that is bad enough, but the latest news is that he's quitting basketball to play soccer:

Oh, Steve. I feel so bad for you. I know I wouldn't want to be a Sun right now either, but you are a basketball player. The soccer thing is cute and all, but you need to be on a hardwood floor, throwing bounce passes. Even if it's to players who aren't as good as you are, and even if you're not as good as you used to be.

As fans, we need to give Steve the support he deserves. If we don't, who will?

Go Green, Guys

Hey dudes, it's "Green Week" for the NBA. Maybe you haven't heard of the environment, but it needs us to "go green." This means we need to do things for the environment that make the environment not hate us. If we don't do this, the environment will make us want to kill ourselves in increasingly ludicrous ways, and who knows if Marky Mark will be able to save us again.

But there are things you can do to help make the environment happy. For instance, you can take part in the NBA's gimmick for a good cause. You can buy their organically made goods which will still clog landfills once you realize you bought a multi-colored basketball and recycled socks.

And once you get your shirt, you can look just as silly as Denver's mayor by wearing a t-shirt over your shirt and tie. This look was invented by bros at Express Men maybe 4 years ago, but when you combine it with an environmental-friendly bicycle you look super fresh.

Another option is to go the Phoenix Suns route. As you can see, they hired reality tv hopefuls to work both in their promotional department and in their roadside garbage pick-up crew. Those orange cargo pants are great for carrying your spec script, headshots, and of course great amounts of garbage.

Or here's an idea: give children Gift Cards. Yeah, they'll eventually just be thrown away after the kids get their hands on the newest all-over print hoodie, but at least it's better than an oversized check, a great signifier of excess and disregard for the environment.

Oops!Maybe you have a lot of labor to take care of around the house. Rather than using machinery that emits harmful toxic fumes, why not just buy a couple of local teenagers to do the dirty work?I saw what happened to everyone around Mark Wahlberg, and I don't want that to happen to us. I'm going to do my part by recycling memes. In fact, this very post is a Skeets post with a thin coat of cynicism.

If we all work together, we can help save the environment. Mark Wahlberg isn't going to be here forever. But even if he was, we don't need to see him put through the obvious stress and consternation that he went through that time everyone started stabbing themselves. Look how hard he had it back then.

Don't put him through that again.

Please consider the environment before printing this post.

Breaking News: Steve Nash is Your Friend's Dad

I didn't really ever realize it until this picture, but Steve Nash is totally your friend's dad. Let's run down the reasons from head to toe:

1. Side part - Your friend's dad Steve doesn't want you to notice that his hair is thinning. On days when he's feeling particularly rebellious, he parts it the other way.
2. Exposed chest hair - Steve can't hope to contain that luscious V of chest foliage. He oozes virility.
3. Medical ID bracelet - If Steve has a diabetic attack, he wants you to know there's an epipen in his old nylon duffle bag.
4. Shorts above the knees - He doesn't want any hindrance during those 5-6 times a game when he actually bends his legs.
5. White socks with black shoes - Your buddy's dad stopped caring about aesthetics back when Garth Brooks released the Chris Gaines album.

Next time you and your dad and your friend and his dad get together to play ball, give me a call. I'll bring my dad. He can still ball. I just found this picture of him:

Don't worry; he's legit.

Shaq Want Eat Ref

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. What do I do? He's coming. He is so going to eat me. Think. Think quickly. Okay, in Jurassic Park, they stayed totally still. I'll try that. Did he notice me? I think he did.

What if I hold my breath? That'll help. That's got to help. Oh Lord, please let it help. I don't want it to end this way.

He's getting closer. I can't hold my breath much longer. Maybe a hand over the mouth will help. It's not helping. I'm going to explode. C'mon. Just a few seconds longer and he won't know I'm here. Fingers up the nose. It's my last chance.

He's going to swallow me whole. At least that'll be quick and painless. Well, quick at least. Tell my family I love them.

Wait. I'm still here. What happened?

Oh, Steve Nash, you're the best!

The Slow Goodnight

The System failed them.

The System failed us.

It’s fitting, really. The very same system that brought us together let us down. Yeah, it might not be the exact same system; not as fluid, not the same. Still not familiar though, and still nostalgia-laden.

Where was the shooter in the corner? He’s always there. Joe, Q, Raja, anyone. Why wasn’t he there? How could that tenant of this offense fail them at that time?

And Nash. Poor, Steve Nash. Resigned to losing since The Trade. Couldn’t even muster an argument on the last turnover. KD said it best, “it’s like watching your Dad get beat up.” Where was the dribble-probing that makes this thing work? How could that disappear? How could he appear in all the wrong ways?

Three turnovers lost the game, but they didn’t lose The Game. The Game was lost in June. No way a guy with Kerr’s background (Duncan, MJ, Phil) meshes with a guy like D’Antoni. Couldn’t work. Didn’t work.

Now they’re stuck, right? Nash and Amare are back, sure. But so is Shaq. So is Boris, sometimes. (Is there any player in the league more emotionally distant but emotionally affected than he?) The bench is back, too. That disaster of a bench. The one that’ll continue to cost them legs and games and series.

The Architect is leaving, maybe to Chicago. That’d be something. The place where his antagonist made his name would be his new nest. It won’t be the same though. Nowhere will.

They were made for each other. They were made for us. Now, we all crumble.

Steve Nash - Canada's Basketball Savior

10 years later: results inconclusive

You're Not Fooling Anyone, Sasha Vujacic

C'mon, Sasha. I've seen Steve Nash. You sir, are no Steve Nash.