December 31, 2009

The Best Part of Dwyane Wade's "Homecoming" Episode

Did you guys watch the Dwyane Wade episode of "Homecoming with Rick Reilly?" Rick Reilly is super awkward and wears Michael Jordan jeans, so I can't blame you if you missed the show.

ANYWAYS, I watched the show and I'm glad I did, because of hot chicks. Check out this clip that I ripped from the episode using the most advanced audio/video technology available. At about the 16 second mark you're going to see the hottest chick I've ever seen. It lasts like five seconds, so you know the producers think she's hot too.

Am I right? So hot. Like the Nike Air Lavadomes in the summer. That's how hot.

That super fresh hovering purple shoulder to the right of the screen, that's me. I was on the street that night, doing some serious reporting. And that girl? She's my wife.

So basically Dwyane Wade picked my wife to be on his show, which was filmed in Chicago, which means he's going to come play for the Bulls next season to be closer to her. I'm not worried. I've got a basketball championship, too. Plus I'm taller. Plus he has the same name as her dad, so that would be really weird. Totally advantage me.

December 29, 2009

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 5

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a rebound. No one else is even really trying for it. I'm pretty sure you've got it. You don't need to get all Rodman about it with the crazy mouth and leaning sideways action. Just jump up and get it and keep on LivingStrong.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

How to Stand in the NBA: A Primer

It's probably a scientific fact that some NBA players maybe spend about one-third of a basketball game standing around. Between fouls, twenty-second timeouts, and being Roko Ukic, this seems like a fair estimate that should be considered truth. This doesn't even count time on the bench, where players such as Adam Morrison, Bill Walker, and Roko Ukic have mastered the art of standing. In fact, there have probably been petitions to rename the league the NBaaSA, which would stand (zinger) for National Basketball and also Standing Association. Because of all the standing, this makes sense.

As such, The Blowtorch has put together a quick guide to standing in the NBaaSA. It's pretty simple, really. Here's what the New York Knicks have to say about standing.

David Lee: "Just stand and like put your hands on your hips. Maybe think about a Vampire Weekend song."
Wilson Chandler: "Yeah, what David said. I chew my mouthguard because I'm really weird and have two last names that sometimes people use as first names. I hated Home Improvement."
Al Harrington: "Psssssht. Home Improvement was my jam. Zachary Ty Bryant was hilarious."
David Lee: "Learn how to stand. Both hands on hips."
Wilson Chandler: "Heidy-ho, neighbor."
Thanks guys. David Lee basically nailed it. To successfully stand in the NBA, you just stand like a normal person, but you add in the hands on hips thing because when you're wearing shorts you don't have pockets to put your hands in. If you don't put your hands on your hips, Tony Parker will laugh at you.

"Eh, Keef Bogan, poot ze hands on ze heeps, mon frere. Eet make-a for-a clehn-a seeeloooeeet."
With the proper training, anyone can learn how to stand. The Indiana Pacers have recently launched a community outreach program where they reach out to members of the community to teach them how to stand. Here we see Josh McRoberts teaching an elderly man how to stand. As you can see, he's got a couple of his teammates with him to help demonstrate.

It's that easy. Now that you know how to stand, try it around the house. To be an NBA caliber stander, you need to practice. The best standers in the league (Roko Ukic, for example) spend up to eight hours a day doing standing training in the offseason. If you want to catch up, double that. Soon enough, you'll be standing with the best. Good luck.

PROTIP: The "aa" in NBaaSA is pronounced "aaahhhh" like drinking a ginger ale. So, the entire abbreviation is pronounced "EN BEE aaahhhh ESS AY."

December 28, 2009

December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas from Andrew Bogut

Croikey, izzit Christmas all retty? Me and my mates ain't get too cott up in that materialisticness of Christmas, mate. But still, Merry Christmas. Maybe throw a subscription to Cat Fancy in a stocking for yore best mate, mate. Or Vegemite, mate.

Oi. Merry Christmas.

Kangaroos, mate.

December 18, 2009

Happy Holidays Everyone

Sup. I'm going to be on holiday next week for the holidays, so this will have to serve as the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Boxing Day post. Consider it my gift to you.

MP3: Brad Miller - White Christmas (left-click)

December 17, 2009

I Saw Your Uncle Play Basketball Last Night

Your uncle is insane, man. I was at the gym last night and he showed up and he was angry. I don't even know what about; for all I know, someone drank all the coffee down at the post office before he had a chance to get a cup. I just know he was mad.

You know how your uncle gets when he's mad, right? He gets that crazy look in his eye like he doesn't want to hurt you, but if he does hurt you, tough break. He had that look all night. Every time he got the ball his face would screw up and he'd basically just try and run in to everybody. It was a little scary.

Oh, thanks for mentioning that he'd lost so much hair. It's been a while since I've seen your uncle, and if you hadn't given me the heads-up, I wouldn't have realized it was him. He's lost A LOT of hair. Like, a significant portion of it. Any idea why he doesn't just cut his hair short? Like Bruce Willis it. Seems like that'd be a better move. I wasn't going to say anything though. I didn't want to get punched.

It's not my place to say anything, but maybe you should take your uncle out to dinner and talk some things through. He looks like he's going through some rough stuff. And maybe bring him a hat or something because he's really missing that hair. You'll know what I mean when you see him. He's definitely missing it.

December 16, 2009

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 4

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. What are you even trying to do here? This is the most non-committal action you could possibly undertake on a basketball court. Are you blocking a shot or getting blocked or rebounding or what? Make up your mind. Jon Brockman is trying to figure it out and he looks even more dumbfounded than usual. Killer LiveStrong, by the way.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Preparing a Dallas Mavericks Steak

Yield: 1 Dallas Mavericks Steak


1 horse-shaped steak
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon cumin
14 oz. ginger ale
Coarse kosher salt
Picture of Jamal Mashburn
8 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon finely ground gingersnap cookie dust
3 oz. goose grease

Combine ginger ale, six tablespoons of oil, and goose grease in gallon plastic bag. Add steak. Marinate outside in 100 degree heat, with 89% humidity for 14-16 days. Remove from marinade and place steak on picture of Jamal Mashburn (can substitute Erick Strickland or Martin Muursepp depending on preference) for 24 minutes.

While steak is on picture, heat non-stick skillet and remaining olive oil on high, until smoking. After 24 minutes, remove steak from picture and place on skillet. Place oregano in a small mound on the non-cooked side, and eat half of the gingersnap cookies. After 6-8 minutes, flip steak, keeping the oregano mound intact. Place cumin in a small mound on the side of the steak that is facing up. The mound should be exactly opposite of the oregano mound, making the eyes of the horse. Cook for 6-8 minutes. Eat other half of gingersnap cookies.

Remove from heat and place on massive flatscreen LCD television. Add salt to taste.

December 15, 2009

Paging Matt Bonner

Things have been pretty hectic at Blowtorch Consulting the past few months. After I put together the Brandon Jennings proposal, business boomed. And as the business has grown, I've had to sign a lot of non-disclosure agreements. This is the nature of commerce, I suppose.

But we are MAKING THINGS HAPPEN. For instance, last night while shopping for ingredients for a sausage casserole, I found our newest product endorsement.

GINGERBOY COOKIES - "Like gingerbread men, but younger in a not creepy way."

Some people say, "always be closing." I say, "always be brainstorming," which is probably more effective; some doors should remain open. Last night, in a split-second, I stormed my brain for a shortlist of possible Gingerboy endorsers. Here it is with each candidates pros and cons:

Blake Griffin
Pros: Has red hair. Actually marketable. Young, which correlates to the boy part of Gingerboy. Loves nutmeg.
Cons: May not be receptive to endorsing an offbrand cookie as he has other opportunities. Probably would want to change product name to Gingerballs. Hates cloves.

Brian Scalabrine
Pros: Has red hair. Kinda chunky, target market will identify with him.
Cons: No one wants to see Brian Scalabrine while they're eating.

Matt Bonner
Pros: Has red hair. No other marketing opportunities, so he would probably jump at this one. Avid baker.
Cons: Often sports a red beard. Possibly Canadian.
After careful consideration, I've decided to target Matt Bonner and his agent, Kenny Grant. Considering the other players Grant represents, I think he'll be pretty intrigued that someone actually is marketing one of his players. That's the Blowtorch Consulting strategy: make people who aren't marketable feel marketable so that they will pay you to market them.

Let's make this happen.

December 14, 2009

Prelude to a Basketball

"Prelude to a Basketball"
- a poetry slam by Baron Davis -

Oh beautiful ball
Orangest of balls
Filled with air
But still it falls

Rounder and roundest
The perfect of spheres
Fear not the basketball
Be of its ears

Channeled and smooth
The ball, it shall bounce
But never again
The ball, I renounce

December 11, 2009

Reactions to Ryan Anderson's Goatee

  • Oh, no. We can't be having that kind of facial hair. Such a nice young man.
  • I bet I looked that good when I had my goatee.
  • Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
  • Hmmmm...I'd look superfresh with a goat like that.

December 10, 2009

Pau Gasol, He Ereses La Cana a Lot

That's what I'm always saying. I scream it a lot. I'm always like, "Pau eres la cana! Yeah!" People don't really get it, but you two get it. You know what I mean. Because if there's anyone who really eres la cana it's Pau Gasol, am I right?

The funny thing is, I don't really speak that much Spanish. And even less Catalan. But I'm pretty sure that when I say "Pau eres la cana," which is A LOT, I'm speaking the truth. That dude LOVES to eres la cana. Loves it. It's basically his favorite thing besides hook shots and making his hands look like deer hooves.

I don't know though. I guess it would make sense that I check in to what it actually means instead of just telling all my friends that Pau Gasol eres la cana. Well, I guess I've already told all my friends, but it couldn't hurt to check it out before I tell them again. Let's see here.

"Peace eras the sugarcane?" That doesn't even make sense. Is this some sort of code? It doesn't even reference Pau Gasol. This is really embarrassing. All this time, when I was yelling "Pau eres la cana," I thought I was just saying something like "Pau, you're a baller," or, "Pau, you're beard is okay." I definitely didn't think I was propagandizing on behalf of the Sugarcane Peace Coalition.

Thanks for nothing, Spain.

December 9, 2009

Check Out My New Tattoo

It took me a while to figure out something that I'd want on body for the rest of my life, and I finally decided on this Bulls tattoo. I wanted to get something subtle and unobtrusive to show my support for my favorite basketball team. Plus I can cover it up for job interviews. Definitely not going to regret this.

December 8, 2009

Asian/Pacific Islands Basketball is Confusing

I like watching all kinds of basketball. Or as the Spanish might say baloncesto. I feel like I can relate to basketball at any level. Yes, I much prefer the NBA to anything else, but I'm always down to chill out on a college, high school, or international game.

But I have never watched a FIBA Asia game ever. In fact, I just found out it was called FIBA Asia because of Google and their website, which a) exists and b) has a theme song that autoplays that is hilarious. That is my entire understanding of FIBA Asia basketball. And judging by some recent photographs, that's probably the most I'll ever comprehend, because holy cow what is going on here?

In FIBA Asia basketball, large women guard small men while the kid from Little Miss Sunshine watches from press row.

In FIBA Asia basketball you can only block shots through the rim.

FIBA Asia basketball is very emotional.

In FIBA Asia basketball, some players have the ability to float parallel to the ground. This is a perfectly legal defensive strategy.

Similarly, in FIBA Asia basketball, some players can make the ball levitate. If you levitate the ball, you can advance it as if you were dribbling. It is not considered traveling because it's magical.

FIBA Asia basketball is heavily influenced by the Harlem Globetrotters.

These are the only known facts about FIBA Asia basketball. I learned them from reading the website, so I'd suggest you check it out then come back here so we can have an in-depth discussion about FIBA Asia basketball. Also, magic. We can talk about magic since that's all you want to talk about these days.

December 7, 2009

Jon Brockman Plays Meaningful Minutes

5:50 remains in the first quarter of a very important Miami Heat/Sacramento Kings game.

Paul Westphal: Jockman? Bron. Jon? Bron Jock...Jon Brockman! Go play basketball. Me? But uhhhhhhhh it's uhhhhhh the first quarter period uhhhhh....

Dokay dokey. Gonna go play I guessssssss. Uhhhhhhh thing I migh grabba webounders duhhh...

WHOA. That man is a fast man with duh dwibbling. Like uhhhhhhhh so fast at dwibsles. Maybe he needs help wif duh webounders. Uhhhhhhhhh someone stop him fwom dwibbwing to duuuhhh hoop.

Zoings. No one stopped dwibbly dwibblesons from dwibbling and now he is dunky dwibblesons. Stupey stupid dwibblesons making dunk shot basketball. No webounders make the sads. Duhhhhh....

Paul Westphal: Jockman, you're out.


December 4, 2009

Things That Actually Happened in a Professional Basketball Game in 2009

Whoever this guy is shot a jump shot.

The guy from the Dead Presidents movie poster ran on the court for a hug from Undercover Brother.

The most overwrought dunk attempt of all-time was blocked by the most overwrought block attempt of all-time. Relax, guys.

Whatever Aaron Brooks is doing.

PRO TIP: Sometimes you just have to link to something involving Eddie Griffin.

December 3, 2009

A Couple of Bros Discuss Product

Che cosa sta succedendo, bro?

Chillin, bro. Sup?

Per vero, bro. Potrebbe sparare alcuni gruppi di tre.

I feel that. Might shoot some back. Depends, yo.

Senza dubbio, bro.


Eh, bro?

What kind of product do you use?


You know, hair product, bro. Your hair looks wicked fresh.

Stai comportando in modo strano, bro.

Nah, man. Just want to get the messy spike thing going on. Getting tired of the swoop action.

Ancora, bro. Stiamo cercando di sparare tre, qui e siete tutti così, "fammi sapere i tuoi capelli."

Chill, bro.

Hai freddo, bro.



Not cool, bro.

PROTIP: Hover over Italian phrases for translations, bro.

December 2, 2009

Professor Threepointerstons Offers Shooting Advice

Hello children. I am Professor Threepointerstons, but you can call me Professor Threebombs. If you're wondering why I'm wearing this checkered hat and smoking a pipe, it's to attract intelligent women. For I am a professor of three-pointing.

There's nothing more special to Professor Threepointerstons than teaching other non-professors how to three-point. It's simple, really. In fact, I've authored a pamphlet entitled Professor Threepointerstons Guide to Three-Pointing: It's Simple, Really. This seven page pamphlet covers all the ins and outs of three-pointing, but mostly the outs since this is an outside shot which we are discussing. If you're interested in three-pointing, you probably already knew that, but I digress.

Anyhow the key to my three-pointing system is a revolutionary checklist designed to make three-pointing as easy as eggs. The system, dubbed "Professor Threepointerstons Three-Pointing System," is a simple eleven step process that must be executed in its entirety before shooting a three-point field goal. The steps are as follows:
  1. Receive the basketball.
  2. Mentally compliment the basketball on its roundness and smooth leather. This makes the ball want to help you out since you were so nice to it.
  3. Briefly consider each and every basketball shot that you have made since you learned the flex offense (generally grade six).
  4. Assess which of these shots made you the happiest. Choose only one and be specific.
  5. Mentally compliment yourself on how happy that shot made you.
  6. Remember the BEEF process (balance/eyes/elbow/follow-through).
  7. Remember the last time you ate a meal that featured beef, to relax your mind for the three-pointing.
  8. Begin the BEEF process by gaining your balance.
  9. Focus on the rim. Possibly mentally compliment the rim so it does not get jealous of the basketball.
  10. Ensure that your elbow is directly under the basketball that you will be three-pointing.
  11. Shoot the basketball, holding your follow-through, while sending all of your good intentions to both the rim and the basketball that you have three-pointed.
It's that easy. This sequence should take no longer than 13 nanoseconds, and if it does, it is recommended that the shot be reconsidered*. Nonetheless, this simple guide to three-pointing should serve as the basis for your three-point shot. The system is a proven success. After all they don't give out doctorates in three-pointing to just anyone.

*This is covered in my advanced text Professor Threepointerstons Advanced Three-Pointing: Making Three Points Happen to You.

December 1, 2009

The Chris Kaman Story

When Chris Kaman was growing up in the mystical land of Grand Rapids, Michigan, his mother told him all of the wonderous things he could do. If he tried hard enough someday he could be an interior designer or an architect. He could become the leader of Michigan's most famous big band, The Michigan Pops. He could even fly to the moon. And maybe, just maybe, he could be the President of these here United States of America. The world was Chris Kaman's metaphorical oyster. And the family's local oyster farm was his literal oyster.

Of course Kaman's no-nonsense father Leroy told him to get to work on his post moves. If he looked anything like what those 'if they mated' photobooths at the county fair said, the President thing was out of question.