Paging Matt Bonner

Things have been pretty hectic at Blowtorch Consulting the past few months. After I put together the Brandon Jennings proposal, business boomed. And as the business has grown, I've had to sign a lot of non-disclosure agreements. This is the nature of commerce, I suppose.

But we are MAKING THINGS HAPPEN. For instance, last night while shopping for ingredients for a sausage casserole, I found our newest product endorsement.

GINGERBOY COOKIES - "Like gingerbread men, but younger in a not creepy way."

Some people say, "always be closing." I say, "always be brainstorming," which is probably more effective; some doors should remain open. Last night, in a split-second, I stormed my brain for a shortlist of possible Gingerboy endorsers. Here it is with each candidates pros and cons:

Blake Griffin

Pros: Has red hair. Actually marketable. Young, which correlates to the boy part of Gingerboy. Loves nutmeg.
Cons: May not be receptive to endorsing an offbrand cookie as he has other opportunities. Probably would want to change product name to Gingerballs. Hates cloves.

Brian Scalabrine

Pros: Has red hair. Kinda chunky, target market will identify with him.
Cons: No one wants to see Brian Scalabrine while they're eating.

Matt Bonner

Pros: Has red hair. No other marketing opportunities, so he would probably jump at this one. Avid baker.
Cons: Often sports a red beard. Possibly Canadian.

After careful consideration, I've decided to target Matt Bonner and his agent, Kenny Grant. Considering the other players Grant represents, I think he'll be pretty intrigued that someone actually is marketing one of his players. That's the Blowtorch Consulting strategy: make people who aren't marketable feel marketable so that they will pay you to market them.

Let's make this happen.

Matt Bonner is a Legit Celebrity Spokesman

I'm pretty busy saving the United States economy today, so there won't be much happening here. However, I'd HIGHLY recommend that you enjoy this vignette of two Matt Bonner commercials for a San Antonio-area car dealership. He looks like my friend's dad, but in a generic basketball uniform.

Roll that beautiful Bonner footage.

The Weakest Link: San Antonio Spurs

Someone, possibly St. Thomas Aquinas, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the San Antonio Spurs and Matt Bonner…

Matt Bonner is basically Brian Scalabrine enhanced. He can kinda shoot threes, he can kinda rebound, and he has red hair. Ergo, Matt Bonner is essentially Brian Scalabrine’s doppelganger.

From everything that I’ve ever heard, if you are to ever meet your perfect doppelganger you will spontaneously explode. If that happens with Scalabrine and Bonner, neither San Antonio nor Boston will be that disappointed.

Fun Facts:
Nicknamed “the Red Rocket”…favorite food is a turkey sub…father is a postman and mother is an elementary school teacher…favorite musical artist is Dead Prez…owns 14% of Casino Rama in Toronto…member of Screen Actors Guild…once ate 13 goldfish at a county fair

Proof That Matt Bonner Has Signed Autographs: