The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 7

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You're just shooting a jumpshot, relax a little. Oh my bad. Let me guess, your back is tightening up. Because you're like a thousand. I guess that makes sense, unlike your continuing Team Jordan affiliation. Although I'm sure that helps out their age discrimination diversity. Maybe call up your best buddy Lance Armstrong to see how he stays so limber.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 6

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. Like you've never seen a dunk before. Liar. You even had one one time. Plus you were in Hoop Dreams. It's not the end of the world. In fact, considering it's DeAndre Jordan, I'd say it's not that much to worry about. Don't tear your hair out about it. Maybe next time, play defense instead of throwing a pity party.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Word Up, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 1

Tracking Juwan Howard's career-defining stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Word up, Juwan Howard. That's a pretty slick jam that you're doing on that guy's face. I'm impressed, unlike everybody in the crowd. They're all like, "neat." Especially Gerard Butler's brother Garrard Butler over there in the first row. He's like, "SPARKLAAAAAAAAAA...oh cool dunk, better go star in a movie with Katherine Heigl's sister Cathy." But still, wicked googly, man. You're really LivingStrong.

Word Up, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 5

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a rebound. No one else is even really trying for it. I'm pretty sure you've got it. You don't need to get all Rodman about it with the crazy mouth and leaning sideways action. Just jump up and get it and keep on LivingStrong.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 4

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. What are you even trying to do here? This is the most non-committal action you could possibly undertake on a basketball court. Are you blocking a shot or getting blocked or rebounding or what? Make up your mind. Jon Brockman is trying to figure it out and he looks even more dumbfounded than usual. Killer LiveStrong, by the way.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 3

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...


Chill out, Juwan Howard. You don't have to be in every picture during the minuscule time you're on the court. We get it, you're in the NBA. The constant reminders and "did you see me cutting down the lane" is a little ostentatious. Andre Miller is doing what he can to get you the easiest shot he can and all you can do is hang out by the freethrow line, hoping for a kickout. Pretty wack, bro.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 2

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a preseason game. You don't have to go all Rajon Rondo on Jason Richardson. He didn't even do anything, except beat you to the basket because you're like a thousand years old now. Maybe just let this one slide, considering the game didn't mean anything. Even Jason Richardson is confused. He's like, "sheeeeeeeesh."

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 1

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You are not Steve Blake's best friend. Prior to this season, he was like everyone else: surprised you were still in the NBA. Now you're all like, "I've got your back, Steve Blake." But Steve Blake is like, "okaaayyy....."

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Juwan Howard Attends Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hi, I'm Phil Jackson of Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp. I like to eat beans. But I also like teaching acting. Nothing beats the thrill of teaching a youngster how to act like something else, except for winning NBA championships. That's number one. But after that, teaching young people how to act.

Just to recap: championships, then acting.

But acting isn't just young kids. There are old people in movies too. Like Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones and that jerk Jude Law. I can't stand Jude Law, with his British affectations and flowing hair. Anyways.

At Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, we also teach old people to act. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, so that's why I didn't open a dog acting workshop. That's just bad business. But old people? You can sometimes teach them new tricks. Like acting. Just this summer, an old NBA player came to me, and wanted to learn to act. I'd like you to meet Juwan Howard.

Heeeyyyyyyyy.

Juwan came to me and said, "Phil Jackson, I need you to teach me to act, so I can catch on as a twelfth man for some team. I don't have the skills to play in the NBA anymore, but I don't want to sell cars just yet. Please Phil Jackson, you're my only hope." He's kind of long-winded. But I said yes. For a fee.

And it worked! Juwan is now the twelfth man for the Portland Trailblazers. Since it was so successful, I've decided to show some of my process in hopes that some more clients will show up. We just did a few simple exercises to get him in the right frame of mind for the upcoming season. Because Juwan is a good sport, he agreed to recreate those exercises in this demonstration.

Juwan, act like your teammates just got called for a foul that they didn't commit.

Very good. Maybe dial it back a little. You're kind of becoming a caricature of a bench player. You're on the right track though.

This time, act like your teammate just got a huge basket AND the foul. Go.
Take it back some.

Take it back.
TAKE IT BACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE A JOKE JUWAN HOWARD!

I apologize. It appears that Juwan has forgot some of our basic tenets. Mostly the one about not overacting. Maybe they were right when they said you can't teach an old Juwan Howard new tricks. But I still have hope. In fact, I just got word that Michael Sweetney will be enrolling soon.

Field Guide: Know Your Howards

I heard somewhere that Gil is the most popular name on Earth. And while this is obviously true, the second most popular name must be Howard. Therefore, in the interest of keeping your stories straight, here is a some notable Howards.

JUWAN HOWARD

Former University of Michigan standout who has been a huge to moderate disappointment, given his college exploits. Staunch supporter of the goatee; a fact that has soured fans across the globe.

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DWIGHT HOWARD

Jesus loving basketball player who stands 10'8" tall.

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JOSH HOWARD

Dallas Mavericks forward who, through undeniable blackness, does not support "The Star-Spangled Banner." Among the things that find his favor despite his blackness: orthodontia, headbands, franks n' beans, ninjitsu, and Teddy Ruxpin.

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HOWARD THE DUCK

A duck named Howard who wears plaid shirts and suspenders when seducing 80s babes.

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HOWARD EISLEY

Former NBA basketball player whose Google Image searches return a surprising number of Michael Jordan pictures. Suck it Jazz fans.

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DESMOND HOWARD

University of Michigan legend/childhood hero of goathair.

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HOWARD STERN

All-around creep who has enjoyed great success despite notable lack of talent. America.

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RON HOWARD

Former child actor who has gone on to a successful directing career where he specializes in schlocky Oscar grabs mixed with neutered action films. Occasionally dabbling in ineffective child films, Ron Howard has grown a terrible beard.

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CLINT HOWARD

Much to Ron Howard's delight, his brother Clint has become a successful character actor. Ergo, Ron is not the scariest looking Howard in show business.

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HOWARD DEAN

Former Democratic Presidential candidate who surprised many by embarrassing himself on the way to squandering a commanding lead during the 2004 nomination process. Loves cows.

The Weakest Link: Dallas Mavericks

Someone, possibly Sun Tzu once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Dallas Mavericks and Juwan Howard…

Remember when Juwan Howard was part of THE FUTURE? Remember when he was an All-Star? Remember when he was considered a franchise player and was subsequently overpayed by Washington?

Remember when he crippled Washington's cap space? Remember when he ruined the beginning of Chris Webber's prime? Remember his terrible, combed forward hairstyle?

Remember when he gave those two chicks herpes? Or when he got busted stealing a pair of $1600 sunglasses?

All these things are true about Juwan Howard. As is the fact that Juwan Howard is currently averaging 1.1 ppg for the Mavericks. Enjoy feeling like you're 1000 years old.

Fun Facts:

First player to sign 100 million dollar contract...met his wife, Jenine, at a party hosted by Alonzo Mourning...runs flower delivery site JuwanFlowered.com...has a 16 inch vertical leap...favorite musician is Paul Wall

Proof That Even Juwan Howard Thinks It's Funny That He Gets the Ball Sometimes:

Random Fact - Juwan Howard, pt. 1

Did you know that Juwan Howard once enjoyed a 9 hour meal at Old Country Buffet?

During the Great Tomato Freeze of 1998, Howard felt the need to enjoy a plate of lasagna. Knowing that tomatos could not be purchased at local grocers in the greater Washington D.C. area, Juwan purchased a ticket to the buffet so he could enjoy his lasagna.

Howard would stay at the restaurant for an entire 9 hours while consuming the following food items:

• 13 plates of lasagna
• a salad consisting of lettuce, sesame seeds and thousand island dressing
• 4 cups of red jello
• 29 glasses of chocolate milk
• 1 chocolate chip cookie

WERE YOU EVEN AWARE OF THIS FACT?