A Very Effective Shark Imitation

Michael Beasley: Hey, check me out. I'm a shark. RRRRRRRRROOOWWWWWR. Buh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buh dut buh dut buh dut buh dut SNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Is that fin real?

Michael Beasley: Yeah, cuz I'm a shark.

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Man, that's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Oh, sup basketball.

Michael Beasley: SHARKSKETBALL! SNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

The Best Part of Dwyane Wade's "Homecoming" Episode

Did you guys watch the Dwyane Wade episode of "Homecoming with Rick Reilly?" Rick Reilly is super awkward and wears Michael Jordan jeans, so I can't blame you if you missed the show.

ANYWAYS, I watched the show and I'm glad I did, because of hot chicks. Check out this clip that I ripped from the episode using the most advanced audio/video technology available. At about the 16 second mark you're going to see the hottest chick I've ever seen. It lasts like five seconds, so you know the producers think she's hot too.



Am I right? So hot. Like the Nike Air Lavadomes in the summer. That's how hot.

That super fresh hovering purple shoulder to the right of the screen, that's me. I was on the street that night, doing some serious reporting. And that girl? She's my wife.

So basically Dwyane Wade picked my wife to be on his show, which was filmed in Chicago, which means he's going to come play for the Bulls next season to be closer to her. I'm not worried. I've got a basketball championship, too. Plus I'm taller. Plus he has the same name as her dad, so that would be really weird. Totally advantage me.

Shavlik Randolph is Feelin' It

Oh yeah, Shav. Shoot those free throws. Your free throw game is looking tyte, bro. You know it too. I see you, pursing your lips trying to act all nonchalant when it's pretty obvious that this is your thing. Free throws, man. Child's play.

The haircut, the scraggly armpit hair, the dusting of actual arm hair that makes you look like your glowing? Super fresh. Super. Fresh. You look like a regular Michael Doleac out there.

I can't be mad at you, Shavlik. You know what's up. Feelin' it.

Feelin' it.

Happy Valentine's Day

The Blowtorch Presents ... Anticipatory Remarks

Pound for pound, I'm pretty live on the mic

Oh, what's that you say? You'd like to hear a podcast of the silliness you normally just read?

Fine.

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Anticipatory Remarks

Wherein:

• Marc Gasol is discussed.
• The word "gregarious" is used. Twice.
• Mario Chalmers is slandered.
• Clay Bennett raps.

Enjoy.

UPDATE:

1000 Words: Shaun Livingston and Chris Quinn Warm-Up

The Heat have DIRE needs at point guard.

User Generated Content

Remember the Erik Spoelstra Green Screen Challenge? HUGE SUCCESS. Well, a couple of jacks sent in some Spoelstra goodness. And they're actually very nice.

"Spoelstrito"

"Erikong"

Since it was only these two, I'm keeping my fine linens.

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I hope you haven't forgotten about that legendary day when Antoine Walker participated in a defensive drill in practice. A refresher:

ANYHOW, the following exchange occurred in the comments. Friend of The Blowtorch, Devine, tells it like it is.

Apparently, my blog is "trash." And since I don't know what posting comments "as people" means, I'll just say, "Hi hater."

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I'm doing things with Matt for his previews, so check over there.

Take the Erik Spoelstra Green Screen Challenge!

Here's another Media Day delight. Erik Spoelstra, the new Heat coach, was photographed by himself. Ergo, THE ERIK SPOELSTRA GREEN SCREEN CHALLENGE!

Here's a template:

And here are my submissions.

"Conscience"

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"The Temp"

Send your submissions to theblowtorch AT gmail. Best one wins a case of fine linens.

Michael Beasley

Shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

The Devolution of Jason Williams

Setting: Pat Riley’s office, the day after the Shaq/Shawn Marion trade

Pat Riley: Jason, come here.

Jason Williams: Yes, sir. Sure thing, sir.

Williams enters the room and sits down, folding his hands in his lap.

What is it Mr. Riley?

PR: I doubt you’ve heard it yet, but we just traded Shaquille for Shawn Marion.

JW: Is that so?

Williams twitches.

PR: You bet. Shaq just flew down to Phoenix, and if he passes his physical, we’re getting Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks.

JW: continues twitching in a slightly more exaggerated manner

Wow. That’s off the hook, b! …. I mean, that’s great news, sir.

Williams begins jerking his head from right to left vigorously.

PR: Now Jason, we know you used to be a flashy guy, but we don’t want that coming back do we? You’ve been so steady for us. Just because Shawn is used to running and gunning, doesn’t mean that we’re changing our strategy.

JW: visibly bothered, Williams begins shaking.

No…not at all…must be mediocre.

PR: Are you sure you understand we need you to be the same guy you’ve been for us? Nothing you’d see on that And-1 stuff, or whatever it’s called.

JW: freaking out, rolling on ground.

What….ever….you…..UHHHH.

Williams stands up, head cocked, and lips pursed.
What up, Riles?

PR: Oh, no.

JW: You can’t hold me down, homie. You can’t step to Whit Eboy. Don’t front. I’ve got handles for days and dimes for years. Holla if you hear me.

PR: I thought this was cured.

JW: Ain’t nothing cured, son. I’m for real. I’m SO for real. I’ll be BALLIN now, P. Straight ballin’. This is the original. None better. White Chocolate, tall cheddar.

PR: Get Hubie Brown on the phone.

JW: Old man can’t touch me! You must be joking, Riles. You can’t contain this.

Williams begins pounding chest.

Elbow passes, holmes. EL-BOW PASS-ES.

PR: GET HUBIE BROWN ON THE PHONE!!!

Miami Can't Catch a Break

Seen in last night's Coca-Cola "Republicans and Democrats are Friends!" commercial (about 50 seconds in, after the "Arenas" game-winner):

Miami is Le Sigh

Is there a more depressing team than the Miami Heat? Not only is their best player sidelined, but the remaining guys they have make you sad to be a basketball fan. Here's some of their most saddening players, with a quick synopsis about their own special way of ruining your mood:

Joel Anthony - Wikipedia entry is exactly one sentence long.

Earl Barron - though his name is composed of two different British royalties, is neither an Earl nor a Baron.

Ricky Davis - this fiasco:




Anfernee Hardaway - remember when Penny used to do this?


Now, it's kind of hard to even call him "Penny." He scored his first basket in 2 YEARS the other night. Probably the most depressing player in the NBA to see on the floor.

Udonis Haslem - just looks like a sad guy in general.

Alonzo Mourning - used to be one of the most fearsome centers in the NBA. Now he pretty much just flexes and looks intense.

Shaquille O'Neal - there is a myriad of reasons why Shaq saddens me. He scored single figures in back-to-back games. He weighs about 900 pounds. He can't finish around the basket. He plays 2/3rds of the season. Pretty much the only redeeming quality is that he grew a pretty great beard.

Smush Parker - relatively speaking, he's a terrible basketball player.

Dwyane Wade - easily breakable.

Jason Williams - has been neutered since coming over from Memphis. What happened to this?


After last night's Spurs debacle, I don't think I'll be able to watch any Heat games this year. Maybe when Flash comes back they'll be somewhat decent, but for now, they really, really make me sad.

Daeiouandsometimesyquan Cook

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Daequan Cook

Strengths: good range on his jumper, scores well, decent rebounder for a guard

Weaknesses: turnover prone, inconsistent, small for a 2

NBA Comparison (best-case): Michael Finley

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Robert Pack
NBA Comparison (most likely): Larry Hughes