December 2, 2009

Professor Threepointerstons Offers Shooting Advice

Hello children. I am Professor Threepointerstons, but you can call me Professor Threebombs. If you're wondering why I'm wearing this checkered hat and smoking a pipe, it's to attract intelligent women. For I am a professor of three-pointing.

There's nothing more special to Professor Threepointerstons than teaching other non-professors how to three-point. It's simple, really. In fact, I've authored a pamphlet entitled Professor Threepointerstons Guide to Three-Pointing: It's Simple, Really. This seven page pamphlet covers all the ins and outs of three-pointing, but mostly the outs since this is an outside shot which we are discussing. If you're interested in three-pointing, you probably already knew that, but I digress.

Anyhow the key to my three-pointing system is a revolutionary checklist designed to make three-pointing as easy as eggs. The system, dubbed "Professor Threepointerstons Three-Pointing System," is a simple eleven step process that must be executed in its entirety before shooting a three-point field goal. The steps are as follows:
  1. Receive the basketball.
  2. Mentally compliment the basketball on its roundness and smooth leather. This makes the ball want to help you out since you were so nice to it.
  3. Briefly consider each and every basketball shot that you have made since you learned the flex offense (generally grade six).
  4. Assess which of these shots made you the happiest. Choose only one and be specific.
  5. Mentally compliment yourself on how happy that shot made you.
  6. Remember the BEEF process (balance/eyes/elbow/follow-through).
  7. Remember the last time you ate a meal that featured beef, to relax your mind for the three-pointing.
  8. Begin the BEEF process by gaining your balance.
  9. Focus on the rim. Possibly mentally compliment the rim so it does not get jealous of the basketball.
  10. Ensure that your elbow is directly under the basketball that you will be three-pointing.
  11. Shoot the basketball, holding your follow-through, while sending all of your good intentions to both the rim and the basketball that you have three-pointed.
It's that easy. This sequence should take no longer than 13 nanoseconds, and if it does, it is recommended that the shot be reconsidered*. Nonetheless, this simple guide to three-pointing should serve as the basis for your three-point shot. The system is a proven success. After all they don't give out doctorates in three-pointing to just anyone.

*This is covered in my advanced text Professor Threepointerstons Advanced Three-Pointing: Making Three Points Happen to You.

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