July 31, 2009

Ryan Anderson Confuses Fruit

Oh. My. Gosh. Look at the size of that owange. That is the biggest owange I have evow seen. I am going to eat that owange SO fast and it's going to be SO good. Wyan weally wikes owanges. Thank my wucky staws foah this enoahmous owange.
Oh, owange. I am so happy to eat you. You will be sweet and dewicious in Wyan's bewwy. If I didn't eat you, owange, I would want to mawwy you and maybe go see the new Hawwy Pottah movie togevah. You make me so happy, owange. I am sowwy to eat you, but you awa a big yummy owange so I must.

GWOSS! GWAPEFWUIT! YOU AWEN'T AN OWANGE AT ALL! HOWA DAWA YOU! You awa too souwa! I fought we wewe fwiends! You twicked me, gwapefwuit. I will NEVEWA eat a gwapefwuit again because you awa SO mean. You taste wike souwa poops. Gwoss. You awa the wowst fwuit evewah.

July 30, 2009

Luke Ridnour Misses the Point

Mo Williams: This new commercial is going to be insane.

Rashard Lewis: For real, we look tight.

Kevin Durant: Yeah.

Rashard Lewis: Who else they got comin'?

Mo Williams: I don't know. You know, Kev?

Kevin Durant: No.

Rashard Lewis: I think Iggy coming. And I heard Luke Ridnour was coming, but that can't be true.

Mo Williams: Who is Luke Ridnour?

Rashard Lewis: He play for the Sonics.

Kevin Durant: No.

Rashard Lewis: Oh, right. He play for the Thunder.

Kevin Durant: No.

(door opens)

Mo Williams: Iggy! What up?!

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

Rashard Lewis: You bring anybody with you?

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

(door opens, knocks over Connect Four game)

Luke Ridnour: Hey, guys. Did I do that?

Mo Williams: Who dat?

Kevin Durant: Ridnour.


Luke Ridnour: Awwww, not again. They said "dress like the early 90s." They specifically said EARLY 90s. Why does this always happen to me?


Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

July 29, 2009

Oil Prospecting with Joakim Noah

At Joakim Noah's house...

Trez Kerbz: I have boredom, Joakim Noah. There is boredom in me.

Joakim Noah: For real, son. Let's do something then.

Trez Kerbz: Like what?

Joakim Noah: Let's get some oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: a) Why would we get oil? And b) How are we going to get oil?

Joakim Noah: You kidding? Oil is like gold, but, like a liquid.

Trez Kerbz: Liquid gold.

Joakim Noah: Word, son. We need to get that oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Sure. How?

Joakim Noah: Yo, throw that ice pick in the ground.

Trez Kerbz: Why do you have an ice pick?

Joakim Noah: Why do only certain birds eat certain bird seed? Why did old-time sailors think manatees were mermaids? Why we hangin' out? You ask too many questions, man.

Trez Kerbz: Whatever. So, you think I just throw this ice pick in the ground and we'll get some oil?

Joakim Noah: Word. Get a bag though.

Trez Kerbz: Why?

Joakim Noah: For the oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Right. (throws ice pick, oil starts spurting)

Joakim Noah: YEAH, SON!

Trez Kerbz: I cannot believe that worked. (copious amounts of oil continue to spurt)


July 28, 2009

Performance Enhancers for the Portland Trailblazers

One of the things that I'm always telling Matt Moore is how I want every NBA player to completely maximize their potential. Clearly, this will never happen. However, thanks to certain shadowy connections I have made, I have procured the following items for the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. They have the pieces to challenge the Lakers and Spurs in the West, so I thought that giving them a little extra help would raise the level of the league just a touch. Here is what I acquired:
Robot Legs
For: Greg Oden
Advantages: Supports brittle bones that have been ravaged by osteoporosis. Improves lateral quickness. Improves jumping quickness. Looks awesome.
Disadvantages: The only thing heavier than his actual legs.
Hook for a Hand
For: Lamarcus Aldridge
Advantages: Aids in grabbing tough rebounds. Frightens opposing players. Looks awesome.
Disadvantages: Occasionally falls off of arm stump. Turns player in to a monster.

Shoe Lifts
For: Jerryd Bayless
Advantages: Makes player appear taller, therefore allowing him to play shooting guard.
Disadvantages: Kind of sissy.
For: Brandon Roy
Advantages: Just seems like he'd like nunchucks.
Disadvantages: None.
Muscle Milk
For: Nicolas Batum
Advantages: Adds muscle. Tastes like milk.
Disadvantages: For bros.

July 27, 2009

The Most Boring Player in the NBA

Facts about Andre Miller:
  • Every day for lunch eats white bread, hard-boiled eggs, and American cheese.
  • Favorite television program: Antique Roadshow
  • Favorite actor: Ben Kingsley
  • Favorite actress: Angela Landsbury
  • Takes lukewarm baths; refuses to use shower.
  • Drives a silver1996 Chevrolet Lumina.
  • Owns 16 pairs of Champion cotton shorts with pockets (aka "Dad shorts") in various shades of grey, black, and blue.
  • Has two dogs, a yellow lab named "Rick" and a beagle named "Tom."
  • Favorite color: grey-ish
  • Favorite musician: Seals and Croft
  • Favorite movie: The Good Shepherd
  • Weekends are generally spent doing yardwork, reading the newspaper, and doing yardwork.
  • Once took a roadtrip by car to Yellowstone National Park to "see what all the fuss is about." Upon return, declared the park "too sprawly."
  • Favorite food: porridge
  • Favorite store: Kohl's
  • After a night out on the town his rookie year, remarked that clubs are "too loud" and has yet to return.
  • Next movie on NetFlix queue: Grey Gardens
  • As a child, met Magic Johnson and told his parents he wasn't impressed because he was "too smiley."

July 24, 2009

Weight Loss Solutions for Eddy Curry

Word on the street is that Eddy Curry is trying to get his groove back. Ostensibly, he wants to "be ready" and "resemble a basketball player" and "attract women." But I'm willing to bet he logged on to the information super highway, went to Google, started Googling "eddy curry is awesome" and saw this:
Then he had the sadness and decided, "I should probably stop being as fat as I am. This will cure the sadness." Because I'm trying to diversify Blowtorch Consulting, I'm willing to offer my help in getting Eddy Curry back in shape. Here are some suggestions.

This would probably be my first suggestion. But since it involves eating less and working out more, let's move on.

Just giving birth is an easy way to drop 7-9 pounds, plus Eddy would continue to lose weight while he nursed the baby. Not to mention, he'd also have a new baby that he can enter in to various pageants, even after only two weeks after birth. I assume he would teach his child how to do a backflip, which would be pretty big points in the talent portion.

In The Machinist, Christian Bale played a man who is very skinny and also chops another man's arm off in a factory accident. It is legendary how much weight Christian Bale lost for this role (most estimate the amount at a lot), then he put on a bunch of muscles and a very growly voice to be Batman. I would probably tell Eddy to not go "full Bale," or else he'll lose his ability to back flips and/or walk.

In just 2 weeks, Eddy Curry could change from a very fat black man to a slightly smaller white man. In most circles, this is called "the Eddie Murphy diet" after his preference for playing every character in more and more depressing movies. However, once again I'd worry that he'd stop being able to do backflips.

I'm not saying that these are the only ways to lose weight (also: methamphetamines, illness, surgery), but they are probably the best. In fact, if Eddy were to incorporate the last three in to his current diet (fats) and exercise (none) routine, he'd probably be able to drop at least 15 pounds before the season started. Good luck, Eddy!

July 23, 2009

Art Review: Being a Kobe Fan

Summary: A Kobe Bryant fan is surrounded by various tormented characters. Also, there is a red string.

Insight: To truly understand this masterpiece, each image must be considered by itself, but the entire picture must be assessed as a whole.

Beginning with the maniacally smiling fellow on the left of the picture, we see the immense joy that Kobe winning a title "by himself" brought to fans. Continuing counterclockwise we encounter a bearded, balding man. It can easily be assumed that this man is European, since he looks like a stereotypical cab driver seen in 1980s movies. This is likely an allusion to Pau Gasol, and a statement that says Kobe didn't necessarily win by himself.

The child to the right of the European is clearly pained. We must assume that this character represents the brattiness that Kobe showed as a youngster in the NBA. Since the Kobe character has his back turned to the child, we can infer that he has turned his back on these childish ways. The guy with the scarf/neck brace is the definition of Los Angeles superficiality. He is turned away from Kobe and seems nonplussed. This shows that even though Kobe is a huge sports star, not all of Los Angeles is impressed with him.

The last two notable images are the dual images which represent Phil Jackson. At the top, we see controlling hands, and in the bottom right, a man with an eyepatch. The displaced hands, clearly, are a reference to Jackson's hands-off coaching philosophy. And the way that the eyepatched man and Kobe are sharing a glance confers that they know something no one else does. It is likely the eyepatch represents Jackson's leaving the Lakers for a short period before returning.

Lastly, the red string which ties everyone together is obviously a call-out to Kobe's Michael Jordan obsession, a driving force throughout his career. I think we all know what the blonde woman represents.

Estimated price at auction: $5-10 (this looks like a high school art project)

July 22, 2009

What is Toni Kukoc Doing RIGHT NOW?


Going to the Phish Reunion Tour

Boring radio show hosts with Ottoman Wars discussions

Working on his Samuel L. Jackson impersonation

Outreach with Dr. James Naismith and his original basketball


Aging gracefully

July 21, 2009

Kobe Bryant: Too Concerned with Peace?

Guys, I'm kind of worried. I've been doing some investigation lately, on the information superhighway. I'm pretty well-trained on most detective techniques, including but not limited to:

  • smoking out perps
  • stakeouts
  • disguise
  • fake names
  • mirrored aviators

Needless to say, I know what I'm doing. And I think I'm on to something big. Check out these latest photos of "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. They're from his "Asia Tour."

Did you notice it? Probably not, because you haven't taken several correspondence courses on espionage like I have. To your untrained eye, you just see "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. But to my more discouraging eye, I noticed that in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE he is giving a peace sign. Seems fishy.

And check out this one:

By now you know how to look for clues like the peace sign, but did you recognize that there are now TWO peace signs? Don't worry if you didn't, this is advanced sleuthing. Now if those original pictures seemed fishy, then this one seems TWICE as fishy, because there are two peace signs.

Now most amateur detectives, like The Big Lead, would halt their investigation here and libel the suspected parties. But not me. I went deeper. Check this out:

Can you see it? No, not the peace sign. Not the Bro either. The shirt "Kobe," if that's even his real name, is wearing. It's from this year's All Star Game, which was five months ago. So we know that this has been going on a long time.

What's the angle here?

What is "Kobe Bryant's," if that's even his real name, plan?

Is he trying to throw people off his scent by constantly preaching peace?

Might he be attempting to overthrow V.A.S.T. through his own shadow company?

Is this "peace sign" really some sort of trigger for his operatives?

I don't know yet. I have to keep digging...without a shovel.

July 20, 2009

Charlie Villanueva Riche

Hello there, Mr. Villa...umm...Villanewva? I do hope that's right. I'm Preston Von Grippe, and I just wanted to come and welcome you to the area. It has been AGES since we had a professional athlete around here. They have all the money in the world, but just no taste. Quite a shame. Might I enter your backyard?

(Preston opens the gate to the fence and saunters gingerly in to Charlie Villanueva's backyard, where he finds Charlie in his new hot tub.)

Oh, for shame, Charlie. Here in the Hamptons, we would never have something as ostentatious as a champagne hot tub. And the rope is SO garish. Obviously, you're "new money." Not that that's a problem. It's just...obvious.

It is Charlie, right? I suspect your parents called you Charlie, didn't they? That's too bad. Charles is such a nice, mature, respectable name. In fact, my mummy's father is named Charles. That's where I got the name for my yacht after all.

But don't mind me, Charlie. You seem to be enjoying your swim, so I'll let you continue. Muffy and I will be sailing on the S.S Charles for the next couple days, so I'll tell my children, Tad and Arabella, to make sure not to bother you. The weather the next couple days is to die for, and I wouldn't want your bubble bath to be interrupted.

By the way, Charlie, if you'd like to join the brood and I for a late dinner this evening, please do so. We tend to eat late, in the manner of the Spanish, so keep that in mind. That is, of course, if you've ever even had tapas.

I jest! It's going to be great having you as a neighbor, Charlie. I'm SO happy that you got that nice contract for playing your little games. Maybe sometime I can teach you croquet. You know, a gentleman's game. No "short pants" like that basketball you play. I assure you that this will be a most exquisite summer.


July 17, 2009

I'm Busy

Hey bros. No jokes today, probably, since I won't have too much time to formulate thoughts. I'm officiating a wedding tonight for my best friend, Brian Scalabrine, and I'll be away from the computer for the most part. Love y'all.

July 16, 2009

Henk Norel on Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Yesterday was a pretty stressful day for me. I was away from the computer all day, so there was no Blowtorch "hilarity." Sorry (not really). But as a nice way to end the day after exhausting book deal negotiations, I saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with Minnesota TimberLOLves draftee Henk Norel. Here is our post-viewing conversation on the way home.

Trez Kerbz: So, what did you think of the movie.

Henk Norel: Jah, not so bad, mate. I locked the movie, mate.

TK: You sound like you're from London.

HN: Netherlands, mate.

TK: Cool, bro. What was your favorite part?

HN: I thought it was cool, mate, how they had a character zat looked just like me. Actually two, mate. It was a noice tribute.

TK: That's what I was thinking the whole time. It was funny how the little girls kept coming up to you and asking if you played Fred or George.

HN: Jah, zat was CRAZY mate. Don't they know the deeference between a Dutch accent and an English one, mate?

TK: I don't.

HN: Jah, good point, mate.

TK: What else did you like?

HN: Mostly just looking like those two brothers. Oh, and the guy that looked like Ricky.

TK: Ricky Rubio?

HN: Jah.

TK: So you liked the character of Harry Potter, who the movie is about, because he looked like your teammate, but you couldn't remember his name even though, like I said, he is who the movie is about?

HN: Jah.

TK: You're an idiot. What does "Henk" even mean?

HN: Hank.

TK: Of course. Let's just be quiet until we get home.

HN: Jah.

TK: You know, I don't even know how we started hanging out in the first place.

HN: I thought we were being "quiet."

TK: Shut up.

July 14, 2009

Brandon Bass Works Out for the Magic

I think I'll just shoot some jumpers to get loose. You know, with these arms I need to make sure I'm nice and limber.

Lordy, this ball is heavy! I just can't seem to shoot it strong enough. I suppose I'll have to flex to make sure I shoot it the right distance.

Does this look okay Coach Van Gundy? How is my form? Do my arms look alright? I mean, if you want me to, I can flex them a little more. I've seen what you've done for Dwight, so I know that's an option.

Seriously, did you guys put lead in this ball? It is HEAVY. But don't worry, I think I can lift it above my head. Oh, there. There we go. Looking good?

Oh, this is STRENUOUS! I can barely get the ball up this high. Good thing I've been working out this summer or else I wouldn't have this strength! Thanks, creatine powder.

Can someone come over here and feel my biceps to make sure they're moving the right way? I wouldn't want to be wasting your guys' money with bad form. I just really need someone to come and hold on to my biceps. It's for the team.

July 13, 2009

RetroTorch: the Dream Team Promotes Contraceptives

Though the Nuva Ring prototypes were cumbersome and unwieldy, the Dream Team's enthusiam for birth control was certainly commendable.

July 10, 2009

Tony Parker Rides a Scooter

Eva! You muss old on tights to ze Tonay! Ees vare dangeruse to vriding on ze street and to not old on to ze waist of Tonay. But do no worry, Evas. Tonay es a pro. Not like-a that Monty Ellees who hass nayvare seen ze streets of Parree by motorbike.

Oh, so beautifool, ze streets of Parree. Tonay love-a ze streets of Parree. Espayshully by ze motorbike. Tonay grew up on motorbike. So many time Tonay go to ze bistro to get ze baguette on ze motorbike.

Ze key, Evas, make-a sure zat you smile so beeg. Smile as beeg as you can make smile. I make-a sure to get you helmeet zat shows-a yo face. Tonay always thinking.

July 9, 2009

How to Make Friends in the NBA

Being a professional basketball player can be hard sometimes. Weeks and weeks are spent on the road. There are only eight months each year that millions of people watch you on television. And of course there are gold-diggers, haters, bustas, bammas, suckas, and haterz (way different -- note the Z). If you don't keep your guard up, you can get taken advantage of pretty easily. All these factors considered, it can be hard to make new friends. That's why you see so many players with posses of their old neighborhood pals, many of whom like to shoot guns and do drugs.

But meeting new people and making new friends is an exciting part of life. Every new person you meet could change your life, for better or for worse. For example, one time I met Seal, and ever since then, I've been training my voice so that I could be as great as he is. It's true that not everyone you meet is as awesome as Seal, so that's why The Blowtorch has created this handy guide to making friends, while playing in the NBA.

making friends

As you can see, there are four different groups of people that an NBA player can befriend. Let's discuss the pros and cons of each.


The Bro is just a normal person, who thinks it's the best thing in the world to meet a professional athlete. That's why they're so smiley. After you have befriended a Bro, they'll tell all their Bros that they're friends with an NBA player. At first, you'll probably think it's pretty cool, because they seem so chill, but it'll eventually get annoying when they ask you over to their condo and it turns out that there are 80 other people there who want a chance to see you. Not cool, Bro.


You may think that the artificially created "friends" that you have constructed in your superior athlete brain are a nice way to escape the harshness of reality, but when those characters become your reality, things can get pretty freaky. On the other hand, free fries.


This is probably your best bet. Not only can you and your new athlete friends go to the same clubs because you both have tremendous amounts of money, you also get a complementary Snoop Dogg, because he loves hanging out with athletes. However, you can encounter trouble if your posse and your new friend's posse clash (it's common knowledge that many posses contain haters, bustas, and haterz). Therefore, it's best to stick to partnerships arranged by your publicist. It's not technically friendship, but it's pretty close. Plus they can get you the matching outfits that all true friends wear.


Now, a real Actor (capital A) will not want to be friends with a professional athlete. They are far too devoted to their craft of pretending to be other people to lower themselves to befriending someone who plays a game for a living. However, "actors" (typically found in Michael Bay movies or the Disney Channel) will gladly befriend you. It makes them look cool by association. In all honesty, this isn't a bad move, since they have emptied the pockets of the parents of teenagers across the globe, and therefore have the money to kick it "Kade Style" at the hottest clubs. Everyone who mistakenly thinks they are famous, talented, or interesting knows that kicking it "Kade Style" is the best way to kick it.

After years of research, I've found these four categories are the best to look for new friends. Your new friends will be happy to be around you, and you'll be happy to not feel like the goofy tall kid in 4th grade. Win-win. Good luck friend finding!

July 8, 2009

Mike Brown Sons Shaq at a Freestyle Battle


I gets busy / Call me Big Shaq D
Or The Big Freestyle / Doesn't matter to me
Killin' fools on the mic since I been about six
Flow so ill / Get Tylenol sick

Rippin' rhymes, rhymin' raps like my name Jay-Z
I'm a bad mammajamma call me Shaq Ali
I done rocked this beat / Pass the mic to Coach
Call him Meek Mike / He too scared to approach

(Shaq drops the microphone and enters the crowd, celebrating his presumed victory.)

(After Shaq has returned to the stage, Mike Brown casually picks up the microphone.)

Call me Meek Mike / Well I guess he's kinda right
Since I'll inherit this Earth cause my flow so tight
Ain't no Terry Porter / Ain't no S-V-G
Just remember, Bron's one, I'm two, you're three

See that's how it goes / I'ma put you in your place
Basically you're here just to take up space
Get back in shape / So your fat won't cost us
Or I'll have to sit you for Zydrunas Ilgauskas

July 7, 2009

Steve Nash's Identity Crisis

This has been a pretty hard last couple of years for Steve Nash. A year and a half ago, the villainous Steve Kerr traded away Shawn Marion for one of the NBA's biggest Bros, Shaquille O'Neal. Steve was pretty sad because Shaq wouldn't get out of the way so Steve had to slow down. But it was still all good because the Suns were winning. Until they weren't. When Tim Duncan made that three to kill the Suns, a part of Steve died.

Steve kept it together for a while, but when it turned out that the Suns weren't going to be good anymore he started saying things like:
  • "I don't care if I win a title."
  • "Shaq is such a bro."
  • "Can someone bring me some chicken tenders?"
  • "I have sadness."

And now that Shaq is gone, Steve is super sad because of the Suns being bad. He doesn't know what to do with his life. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty much a psychiatrist, and I can tell that he's going through a crisis.

Whereas Steve Nash used to be one of the most fun-loving Dudes in the NBA, now he's a confused Dude. He tried setting up his anti-hot dogs coalition, but that failed because people love hot dogs. Now, he's just trying anything to feel alive again.

For instance, he tried modelling:

I understand that he's just trying to find something to do with his time that makes him feel productive, but it's kinda sad. He's not even modelling good clothes, he's modelling things that look like you could buy them at a Goodwill.

And then when his modelling job tanked, Steve started "really getting in to music." He'd wander the streets of New York, coming up with horrible melodies that can't even get made in to songs. Naturally, he started dressing like his favorite Canadian musician, Celine Dion:

That's pretty sad, right? Obviously it is. No one should dress like Celine Dion, including Celine Dion.

So after a failed charity, a failed modelling career, and a failed music career, Steve turned to what any cold-blooded Canadian would: women.

I don't know why he's done it, but I'm guessing it has to do with taking his mind off basketball. It's kind of like in movies about rock stars how they just want to have ladies around so they don't feel so horribly alone.

All of that is bad enough, but the latest news is that he's quitting basketball to play soccer:

Oh, Steve. I feel so bad for you. I know I wouldn't want to be a Sun right now either, but you are a basketball player. The soccer thing is cute and all, but you need to be on a hardwood floor, throwing bounce passes. Even if it's to players who aren't as good as you are, and even if you're not as good as you used to be.

As fans, we need to give Steve the support he deserves. If we don't, who will?

July 6, 2009

Kinda Worried About Tyler HansBro

Bros. I recently saw a picture of Tyler HansBro, and something is wrong.

If you've seen the 2002 documentary film The Ring then you already know what I'm talking about. Judging by the blurriness on his face, I'd estimate that HansBro has about 4 days to live. It is likely his buddy on the right is already dead (RIP Buddy).

Not cool, Sadako.

In that documentary, the filmmakers go in-depth trying to figure out what exactly happened to the girl that kills everybody in that movie. If you can't remember the sequence of events, here is a quick breakdown:

  • Watch a creepy video.
  • Face goes blurry.
  • Tortured young girl comes and kills you.

Here is a diagram of what happened to the last Teletubby to watch the video.

RIP Teletubby

As you can see, Sadako ate the Teletubby's insides from the inside. It's horrific and I don't want that to happen to Tyler HansBro. Why you ask?

He is best Bro icon to enter the NBA in years.

With the continued irrelevance of Jason KaBrono and the increasing annoyance that is Shaquille Bro'neal, there has to be someone to step in to that void and represent for all the Bros in the world. Tyler HansBro is that Bro.

Besides, who is going to sell those Dockers?

These Dockers aren't going to sell themselves.

That's why it's troubling. We need Bros in the league, just like we need Bros in our blog posts. Without Bros, how would we know who is legit and authentic (i.e Dudes), and who is not legit or authentic (e.g. Bros).

I can only imagine Tyler's face when he saw The Ring.

Tyler's face when he saw The Ring

So not only have we lost a marketing superstar, we've also lost the last remaining Bro hope in the NBA. Now, there is no foil for Dudes such as Brad Miller and Greg Oden and Chris Bosh. Dudes need Bros, and Bros need Dudes. This is how the world works.

RIP HansBro:"Seems Like a Chill Bro"