July 7, 2009

Steve Nash's Identity Crisis

This has been a pretty hard last couple of years for Steve Nash. A year and a half ago, the villainous Steve Kerr traded away Shawn Marion for one of the NBA's biggest Bros, Shaquille O'Neal. Steve was pretty sad because Shaq wouldn't get out of the way so Steve had to slow down. But it was still all good because the Suns were winning. Until they weren't. When Tim Duncan made that three to kill the Suns, a part of Steve died.

Steve kept it together for a while, but when it turned out that the Suns weren't going to be good anymore he started saying things like:
  • "I don't care if I win a title."
  • "Shaq is such a bro."
  • "Can someone bring me some chicken tenders?"
  • "I have sadness."

And now that Shaq is gone, Steve is super sad because of the Suns being bad. He doesn't know what to do with his life. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty much a psychiatrist, and I can tell that he's going through a crisis.

Whereas Steve Nash used to be one of the most fun-loving Dudes in the NBA, now he's a confused Dude. He tried setting up his anti-hot dogs coalition, but that failed because people love hot dogs. Now, he's just trying anything to feel alive again.

For instance, he tried modelling:

I understand that he's just trying to find something to do with his time that makes him feel productive, but it's kinda sad. He's not even modelling good clothes, he's modelling things that look like you could buy them at a Goodwill.

And then when his modelling job tanked, Steve started "really getting in to music." He'd wander the streets of New York, coming up with horrible melodies that can't even get made in to songs. Naturally, he started dressing like his favorite Canadian musician, Celine Dion:

That's pretty sad, right? Obviously it is. No one should dress like Celine Dion, including Celine Dion.

So after a failed charity, a failed modelling career, and a failed music career, Steve turned to what any cold-blooded Canadian would: women.


I don't know why he's done it, but I'm guessing it has to do with taking his mind off basketball. It's kind of like in movies about rock stars how they just want to have ladies around so they don't feel so horribly alone.

All of that is bad enough, but the latest news is that he's quitting basketball to play soccer:

Oh, Steve. I feel so bad for you. I know I wouldn't want to be a Sun right now either, but you are a basketball player. The soccer thing is cute and all, but you need to be on a hardwood floor, throwing bounce passes. Even if it's to players who aren't as good as you are, and even if you're not as good as you used to be.

As fans, we need to give Steve the support he deserves. If we don't, who will?

1 comment:

KneeJerkNBA said...

Hilarious! I had no idea Liam Nash hated hot dogs so much.