July 9, 2009

How to Make Friends in the NBA

Being a professional basketball player can be hard sometimes. Weeks and weeks are spent on the road. There are only eight months each year that millions of people watch you on television. And of course there are gold-diggers, haters, bustas, bammas, suckas, and haterz (way different -- note the Z). If you don't keep your guard up, you can get taken advantage of pretty easily. All these factors considered, it can be hard to make new friends. That's why you see so many players with posses of their old neighborhood pals, many of whom like to shoot guns and do drugs.

But meeting new people and making new friends is an exciting part of life. Every new person you meet could change your life, for better or for worse. For example, one time I met Seal, and ever since then, I've been training my voice so that I could be as great as he is. It's true that not everyone you meet is as awesome as Seal, so that's why The Blowtorch has created this handy guide to making friends, while playing in the NBA.


making friends

As you can see, there are four different groups of people that an NBA player can befriend. Let's discuss the pros and cons of each.

BROS

The Bro is just a normal person, who thinks it's the best thing in the world to meet a professional athlete. That's why they're so smiley. After you have befriended a Bro, they'll tell all their Bros that they're friends with an NBA player. At first, you'll probably think it's pretty cool, because they seem so chill, but it'll eventually get annoying when they ask you over to their condo and it turns out that there are 80 other people there who want a chance to see you. Not cool, Bro.

IMAGINARY CHARACTERS

You may think that the artificially created "friends" that you have constructed in your superior athlete brain are a nice way to escape the harshness of reality, but when those characters become your reality, things can get pretty freaky. On the other hand, free fries.

ATHLETES

This is probably your best bet. Not only can you and your new athlete friends go to the same clubs because you both have tremendous amounts of money, you also get a complementary Snoop Dogg, because he loves hanging out with athletes. However, you can encounter trouble if your posse and your new friend's posse clash (it's common knowledge that many posses contain haters, bustas, and haterz). Therefore, it's best to stick to partnerships arranged by your publicist. It's not technically friendship, but it's pretty close. Plus they can get you the matching outfits that all true friends wear.

"ACTORS"

Now, a real Actor (capital A) will not want to be friends with a professional athlete. They are far too devoted to their craft of pretending to be other people to lower themselves to befriending someone who plays a game for a living. However, "actors" (typically found in Michael Bay movies or the Disney Channel) will gladly befriend you. It makes them look cool by association. In all honesty, this isn't a bad move, since they have emptied the pockets of the parents of teenagers across the globe, and therefore have the money to kick it "Kade Style" at the hottest clubs. Everyone who mistakenly thinks they are famous, talented, or interesting knows that kicking it "Kade Style" is the best way to kick it.

After years of research, I've found these four categories are the best to look for new friends. Your new friends will be happy to be around you, and you'll be happy to not feel like the goofy tall kid in 4th grade. Win-win. Good luck friend finding!

2 comments:

KneeJerkNBA said...

Why does Greg Oden seem so sad all the time? Someone should introduce him to strippers and gambling.

Seth said...

Don't forget about gumps. Those trifling gumps.