Communication Problems in Los Angeles

Ron, we on the same team. You don't have to guard me anymore.

Knees bent. See the ball. On the line, up the line.

Ron, did you hear me? Stop guarding me.

I miss you, Michael. I miss you so much.

Stephen Jackson is under the basket shooting a layup right now.

I'ma boil me some boot stew. For reals.

Wonderful. They just scored because you're guarding me.

Love being a Laker so much. Sup, Kobe? You say something?

LeBron, Kobe, and the Battle of Asia

Kinda worried about Asia, guys. Follow this chain of events:

First, Kobe Bryant forces the Lakers to sign Sun Yue as an olive branch of sorts to the Chinese. However, because it's Kobe, there's more to the signing. He knows that adding a Chinese player to the roster increases his visability in China. Following the signing, Kobe makes Sun Yue sit next to him on every airplane and bus ride they take, even though he doesn't speak a word of Chinese.

Then, LeBron James convinces Nike to run in ad campaign in China, depicting him as the rightful heir to the throne formerly inhabited by the Bearded Man and Young Girl. As all Chinese know, these two former rulers were ousted by the Angry Man who has tyrannically ruled over China for centuries. Not until LeBron have the Chinese had a worthy adversary to Angry Man.

Then, Kobe takes a tour of Asia where he promotes his super light shoe. At every turn he derides LeBron's shoe for being too clunky. The Chinese take a liking to Kobe's shoes, mostly because they look better with high-end denim. Also, they're not that upset with Angry Man, he's just misunderstood.

Angered that Kobe has usurped his throne as reigning shoe maven in China, LeBron installs a massive video screen in his house that allows him to interact with the Chinese in real time. The video screen is wired in to China's closed circuit television mainframe, which gives LeBron the ability to interrupt any program with very important news. As you can see, the Chinese are delighted.

Finally, Kobe commissions the construction of a large, friendly looking robot which has been embraced by the Chinese. Unbeknownst to them, however, the robot is programmed so that if LeBron ever interrupts a Kobe commeercial or program it will systematically destroy whichever metropolis it is near. Savvy as he is, Kobe informed LeBron of this robot's capabilities and programming, leaving the onus on LeBron to not invoke it's wrath, in essence limiting LeBron's television control.

As you can see, LeBron and Kobe are at a standstill in the Asian markets. This perilous truce could eventually lead to out and out destruction and sure retaliation. I encourage you to write your local councilman protesting the arms race in Asia and the Pacific Islands. It is only a matter of time before these two rivals incite a third World War.

New Signature Shoes

I was on the information superhighway earlier today, transversing the shoe blog exits when I found the following shoes. It took some digging, but I was able to find out which shoes belong to which people. Let's take a look.

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Dahntay Jones

As the head of a growing consulting company, I'm a little surprised that Dahntay Jones's people are supporting a shoe like this. I mean, he's kind of already got a rep as a "dirty player," and wearing shoes with a bunch of tiny knives on them isn't going to help. However, in this economy, you've got to do what you can to bring in money.

Grant Hill

Aside from his basketball skills, piano skills, and strikingly large ears, Grant Hill is most well-known for his ankle injuries. Putting him in a fancy splint isn't just good business sense, it's also a nice step towards rebranding Hill's various maladies. If you can convince people that hurting your feet is cool, then maybe they won't think his massive contracts were a colossal waste of money.

Kobe Bryant

His last signature shoe, the Zoom Kobe 4, was about as minimalistic as a basketball sneaker could be. Until now. Yeah, these are ostensibly high-tops (compared to his previous lows), but the removal of all nonessential material is pretty amazing from a design standpoint. Furthermore, since it's Kobe, you know he has the newest features, such as a sole that has no cushioning, which somehow still provides cushioning.

I'm constantly amazed by the innovations in shoe design. As soon as Blowtorch Consulting gets big enough, we'll probably land a deal with a brand and then make amazing shoes. Until then, enjoy these player editions!

Art Review: Being a Kobe Fan

Summary: A Kobe Bryant fan is surrounded by various tormented characters. Also, there is a red string.

Insight: To truly understand this masterpiece, each image must be considered by itself, but the entire picture must be assessed as a whole.

Beginning with the maniacally smiling fellow on the left of the picture, we see the immense joy that Kobe winning a title "by himself" brought to fans. Continuing counterclockwise we encounter a bearded, balding man. It can easily be assumed that this man is European, since he looks like a stereotypical cab driver seen in 1980s movies. This is likely an allusion to Pau Gasol, and a statement that says Kobe didn't necessarily win by himself.

The child to the right of the European is clearly pained. We must assume that this character represents the brattiness that Kobe showed as a youngster in the NBA. Since the Kobe character has his back turned to the child, we can infer that he has turned his back on these childish ways. The guy with the scarf/neck brace is the definition of Los Angeles superficiality. He is turned away from Kobe and seems nonplussed. This shows that even though Kobe is a huge sports star, not all of Los Angeles is impressed with him.

The last two notable images are the dual images which represent Phil Jackson. At the top, we see controlling hands, and in the bottom right, a man with an eyepatch. The displaced hands, clearly, are a reference to Jackson's hands-off coaching philosophy. And the way that the eyepatched man and Kobe are sharing a glance confers that they know something no one else does. It is likely the eyepatch represents Jackson's leaving the Lakers for a short period before returning.

Lastly, the red string which ties everyone together is obviously a call-out to Kobe's Michael Jordan obsession, a driving force throughout his career. I think we all know what the blonde woman represents.

Estimated price at auction: $5-10 (this looks like a high school art project)

Kobe Bryant: Too Concerned with Peace?

Guys, I'm kind of worried. I've been doing some investigation lately, on the information superhighway. I'm pretty well-trained on most detective techniques, including but not limited to:

• smoking out perps
• stakeouts
• disguise
• fake names
• mirrored aviators

Needless to say, I know what I'm doing. And I think I'm on to something big. Check out these latest photos of "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. They're from his "Asia Tour."

Did you notice it? Probably not, because you haven't taken several correspondence courses on espionage like I have. To your untrained eye, you just see "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. But to my more discouraging eye, I noticed that in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE he is giving a peace sign. Seems fishy.

And check out this one:

By now you know how to look for clues like the peace sign, but did you recognize that there are now TWO peace signs? Don't worry if you didn't, this is advanced sleuthing. Now if those original pictures seemed fishy, then this one seems TWICE as fishy, because there are two peace signs.

Now most amateur detectives, like The Big Lead, would halt their investigation here and libel the suspected parties. But not me. I went deeper. Check this out:

Can you see it? No, not the peace sign. Not the Bro either. The shirt "Kobe," if that's even his real name, is wearing. It's from this year's All Star Game, which was five months ago. So we know that this has been going on a long time.

What's the angle here?

What is "Kobe Bryant's," if that's even his real name, plan?

Is he trying to throw people off his scent by constantly preaching peace?

Might he be attempting to overthrow V.A.S.T. through his own shadow company?

Is this "peace sign" really some sort of trigger for his operatives?

I don't know yet. I have to keep digging...without a shovel.

Kobe Bryant Status Update

Hey guys, LeBron James here.

It's been a while since we last spoke, and I wanted to fill everyone in on what's happened since my last appearance. There have been some problems with the Kobe Bryant re-growth program.

As you can see from that picture, Kobe appears to have reverted to about 70% his normal size. V.A.S.T. scientists have assured me that they've encountered this in previous re-growths, and that Kobe should be back to full size in no time. In fact, because his bones didn't stretch so quickly, they'll be stronger due to the prolonged re-growth period.

Thanks for sticking with us through this waiting game. I'll be sure to let you know when Kobe is back to full strength.

A Few Words from V.A.S.T. CEO LeBron James

Hey America, CEO and co-founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, LeBron James here. I just wanted to let you all know that our shrinking experiment has been a great success.

Also, the resizing program is going according to schedule. Mr. Bryant has already returned to 95% of his original size. We anticipate that the process will be completed early next week. Thank you for your support and concern.

Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies' Shrinking Ray

Hi, I'm LeBron James, basketball player for the Cleveland Cavaliers, MVP of the NBA, but most importantly, CEO and founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, V.A.S.T. for short.

For the past three years, V.A.S.T. has championed the advancement of science and technology, and has made many discoveries that will change your life. We've funded private space travel, travelled back and forth in time, and have even implanted hydraulic endoskeletons. And while our successes haven't yet been made public, all that changes today.

That's right. For the first time ever, V.A.S.T. will be performing a public testing of one of our newest products. We've been working on our shrinking ray for about a year now, and after doing some animal testing we've finally perfected the molecular biology that allows us to shrink any object to any size. In fact, that was the easy part. Getting the object back to normal size has been tricky, but we've got that covered too. So let's get this thing fired up.

Since this is such a new technology, we couldn't let our test subject know ahead of time what we'd be doing. However, this is totally safe, and my engineers have informed me that there is little to no chance of any injury. With that in mind, I'd like to present our test subject, Mr. Kobe Bryant.

As you can see in this "before" picture, Kobe fills out his suit quite well. It's perfectly tailored to his body, snug where it should be, but not restrictive. Keep that in mind while I set the V.A.S.T. shrinking ray to 85%. Here we go.

shoots Kobe with ray

Look at that! He's swimming in his clothes! And those headphones look enormous! Clearly, this is another in a long line of successes for V.A.S.T. Since we're not ready to debut our resizing program quite yet, we'll have to take Kobe back to our laboratories. But rest assured, he'll be back to full size in no time.

Thank you everyone for being here. Remember V.A.S.T. isn't just for me, it's for all of us.

1000 Words: Jon Hamm is Trying to Act Here

"Look, I realize you're brooding. But what do you want me to do? I can't get him to stop yelling about the Lakers."

via

Investigating Kobe Bryant's Sheath Logo

There's an old saying, "If you win the MVP, people will make a ton of shoes about it." It's not a particularly good saying, but I think it fits. Since the season got over, there have been a ridiculous amount of Kobe Bryant shoes, shirts, and baked goods made available that celebrate his first MVP. This does not trouble me. Kobe is a marketable athlete who is becoming less and less unlikeable by the year. Get money and all that.

What troubles me is his logo.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why Kobe has this logo. First of all, it sucks. You can't look at that and discern for any reason why that might be Kobe Bryant's logo. It kinda looks like a T, but I'm guessing it's not in honor of the last letter of his last name. It's the wackness.

Possibly even more infuriating than a purely non-sensical logo is that it is supposedly a sheath. Assuming that this would be a sheath that covers a sword of some sort, more questions are raised. Why does Kobe get a sheath? He's not a trained swordsman, he was raised in Italy, and there is no conceivable scenario that incorporates Kobe Bryant listening to the Wu-Tang Clan. Admittedly, if Kobe were a Wu-Tang fan he'd be a GZA guy, but that's beside the point -- Kobe Bryant would not listen to Wu-Tang.

I've gone astray. Back to the lecture at hand.

Kobe is not a samurai sword kind of guy. He's not any sort of guy except a basketball guy, really. It's known that Kobe is obsessed with his sport, so trying to relate him to other areas rings false to me. Ergo, I do not like his logo.

However, if you flip his logo over, I think the logo makes a bit more sense.

You see, Kobe's a dick.

Kobe Bryant Is The Closer

This spring, people just can't stop confessing... Kobe Bryant IS The Closer. Only on TNT.

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I haven't even tried since Anchorman.

Luke and I have a thing. Don't tell the ladies though.

I dun eben like bathketbawl.

Tonay Parcare wanns-a you to sex-a hees wife. He juss watch and eat baguette.

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Only on TNT. We know drama.

Found Item: Kobe Bryant's MVP Speech

A tipster sent me this today:

Enjoy.

Scientists Create Horrific Basketball Playing Monster

BLYTHE, CA -- Late news emerged last night as leading experts in genetic recombination failed in an attempt to create the perfect basketball player. Doctors Nick Hansen and Adam Logalbo sought to merge the perimeter dominance of Kobe Bryant with the size and strength of Shaquille O’Neal, but were instead disappointed with their result.

“We thought we had the perfect plan,” said Logalbo, “Shaq’s size and Kobe’s quickness would be an unstoppable beast. We did not plan on the personality conflicts having this much impact.”

As former teammates O’Neal and Bryant were often at odds; the combination of these two opposed demeanors was known to be a problem but the doctors were unsure of the severity until the monster was hatched.

“Everything seemed fine at first,” Hansen said, “but once Shakobe tried his first dunk things went haywire.”

The doctors began the first work out with some short jump shots and then Hansen and Logalbo decided to test the monster by having him dunk. As Shakobe O’Bryant, the doctor’s name for the monster, rose to dunk, its brain was essentially scrambled by the contrasting messages being sent by each original player’s preference.

“We think the Shaq part wanted to tear the rim off with a two-handed jam, but the Kobe part would have liked a one-handed, soaring dunk,” Hansen said.

After landing from the failed dunk attempt, the doctors noticed that the monster had lost awareness and continually shouted, “I’m the best! No, I’m the best!” in differing voices. Though discouraged, the doctors have not lost faith in their project.

Said Logalbo, “our next study, combining Steve Nash and Tim Duncan, should go much better.”

Kobe Bryant Week, Day 4: Random Fact, pt. 11 - Kobe Bryant

Did you know that Brandy's 1998 smash hit "The Boy is Mine" was inspired by her date with Kobe?

Following the prom, Brandy developed a jealous heart. Mailing dead flowers to each of Kobe's potential girlfriends, Brandy began a shrine to Bryant. One day while pasting pictures of Kobe's recently grown afro, Brandy started humming the first few bars to a song that would eventually be "The Boy is Mine."

Brandy's obsession with Kobe even lead her to enter a relationship with fellow NBA guard Quentin Richardson. Once Brandy realized that Richardson's accomplishments would never reach the height of Bryant's, she quickly ended the relationship and had her tattoo changed from Quentin's face to a cat.

It is rumored that Brandy maintains her shrine to Bryant to this day.

Kobe Bryant Week, Day 3: Two Word Reviews of Kobe's Shoes

For as big of a Jordan fan as he must be, it's surprising that Kobe Bryant's shoes have been largely underwhelming. With two words, I can provide you with a review of each shoe that Kobe has donned during his NBA career.

Pretty average

Team shoe

Second best

Easily forgotten

Best yet

Looks uncircumsized

Too dainty

Very generic

Not terrible

Quite holey

Over designed

Kobe Bryant Week, Day 2: Kobe Bryant Day or How I Learned to Love the Mamba

From the moment he entered the league, I was immediately against the whole idea of Kobe Bryant. I can't narrow down why, exactly; but I'm sure it was a combination of his entitlement, Jordan imitation, cockiness, and eventually small afro. However, I know exactly when I became a fan (0:16 point in the above video).

Words can't describe the creativity needed to even consider a shot like that, not to mention the nearly unrealistic odds of making it. That Kobe would take this shot with the game on the line was (and is) a signifier that he lives on a different basketball planet than the rest of us. There is a state of thoughtless awareness that Kobe inhabits far more frequently than anyone else in the League, and that's why his triumphs seem so otherworldly.

Kobe Bryant Day

Kobe Bryant Week, Day 1: Schadenfreude via Airballs

Since tomorrow is Kobe Bryant Day, I figure I might as well celebrate the most divisive player in NBA history with a weeklong "tribute." Day 1 takes a look at Kobe, during his rookie second year, when he was easily hated. The music is terrible, but the video is hilarious.

Kobe, No Means No

Since he entered the league I haven’t liked Kobe Bryant. I’m not entirely sure why. Possibly because I don’t really like the number 8, possibly because he’s named after a kind of steak, possibly because his afro kind of weirded me out. I’m not positive why, but I’ve been a Kobe hater for about 10 years.

Until this year, when I actually started to like Kobe a bit. Outside of the Suns, he was the best basketball to watch all season, especially that stretch where he hit 40 in like 5 of 7 games. He was like watching Nick LoGalbo play NBA Live, but with way less growling. Anyways, for the first time since he’s been in the NBA, I was ok with Kobe Bryant.

But now he’s threatening to ruin my life. I can’t imagine the thought of him on the Bulls. Sure I’d actually purchase a basketball jersey again, but he’d destroy the team. In order to obtain him, the Bulls would have to give up at least one of Deng/Gordon/Hinrich (likely 2), this year’s 9th pick, probably Ty Thomas, and some other filler, effectively gutting the roster. I don’t want that.

I don’t want to go to the Eastern Conference finals and watch LeBron and the Jameses versus the Chicago Kobes. I don’t want to never win a title while throwing away everything that Paxson has built the last few years. I don’t want to actually support Kobe Bryant instead of just admiring him. I don’t want a Wizznutzz audiobook about the Bulls (well, the first one was amazing, so that might be ok).

The Bulls are mentioned in every BIG TRADE rumor there is, and there’s a reason for that. They have contracts they can move, they have good young players, and they have picks. Not surprisingly, these are also pieces that help you build a championship team. Sure, maybe the Bulls can get Kobe or KG now and have a little bit better shot of making the Finals for the next two years, but then what? Then you’re left with a team that doesn’t have picks, doesn’t have young talent, and doesn’t have a plan. Or as I like to call it, the Cleveland Cavaliers. No thank you.