July 24, 2009

Weight Loss Solutions for Eddy Curry

Word on the street is that Eddy Curry is trying to get his groove back. Ostensibly, he wants to "be ready" and "resemble a basketball player" and "attract women." But I'm willing to bet he logged on to the information super highway, went to Google, started Googling "eddy curry is awesome" and saw this:
Then he had the sadness and decided, "I should probably stop being as fat as I am. This will cure the sadness." Because I'm trying to diversify Blowtorch Consulting, I'm willing to offer my help in getting Eddy Curry back in shape. Here are some suggestions.

This would probably be my first suggestion. But since it involves eating less and working out more, let's move on.

Just giving birth is an easy way to drop 7-9 pounds, plus Eddy would continue to lose weight while he nursed the baby. Not to mention, he'd also have a new baby that he can enter in to various pageants, even after only two weeks after birth. I assume he would teach his child how to do a backflip, which would be pretty big points in the talent portion.

In The Machinist, Christian Bale played a man who is very skinny and also chops another man's arm off in a factory accident. It is legendary how much weight Christian Bale lost for this role (most estimate the amount at a lot), then he put on a bunch of muscles and a very growly voice to be Batman. I would probably tell Eddy to not go "full Bale," or else he'll lose his ability to back flips and/or walk.

In just 2 weeks, Eddy Curry could change from a very fat black man to a slightly smaller white man. In most circles, this is called "the Eddie Murphy diet" after his preference for playing every character in more and more depressing movies. However, once again I'd worry that he'd stop being able to do backflips.

I'm not saying that these are the only ways to lose weight (also: methamphetamines, illness, surgery), but they are probably the best. In fact, if Eddy were to incorporate the last three in to his current diet (fats) and exercise (none) routine, he'd probably be able to drop at least 15 pounds before the season started. Good luck, Eddy!


KneeJerkNBA said...

In just 2 weeks, Eddy Curry could change from a very fat black man to a slightly smaller white man- WIN

The Hoops Manifesto said...

Another Blowtorch classic - well done!

J said...

Two words: Richard Simmons.

J said...

Two additional words: Tape worm.
Wait, it's "tapeworm." Crap, that's only one word...