July 28, 2009

Performance Enhancers for the Portland Trailblazers

One of the things that I'm always telling Matt Moore is how I want every NBA player to completely maximize their potential. Clearly, this will never happen. However, thanks to certain shadowy connections I have made, I have procured the following items for the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. They have the pieces to challenge the Lakers and Spurs in the West, so I thought that giving them a little extra help would raise the level of the league just a touch. Here is what I acquired:
Robot Legs
For: Greg Oden
Advantages: Supports brittle bones that have been ravaged by osteoporosis. Improves lateral quickness. Improves jumping quickness. Looks awesome.
Disadvantages: The only thing heavier than his actual legs.
Hook for a Hand
For: Lamarcus Aldridge
Advantages: Aids in grabbing tough rebounds. Frightens opposing players. Looks awesome.
Disadvantages: Occasionally falls off of arm stump. Turns player in to a monster.

Shoe Lifts
For: Jerryd Bayless
Advantages: Makes player appear taller, therefore allowing him to play shooting guard.
Disadvantages: Kind of sissy.
For: Brandon Roy
Advantages: Just seems like he'd like nunchucks.
Disadvantages: None.
Muscle Milk
For: Nicolas Batum
Advantages: Adds muscle. Tastes like milk.
Disadvantages: For bros.

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