June 30, 2009

Various Marketing Opportunities for Tyler Hansbrough

As the President and CEO of a growing marketing firm, I've got to pay attention to what others in my field are doing. In order for me to make Blowtorch Consulting as big as I dream, I need to be able to incorporate what the competition is doing, but take it to a higher level. Right now, I'm clearly the most innovative marketer around, but I'm not as well known as some of the bigger managers/agents but people are pretty impressed with my status.

One guy who I admire a lot is Jeff Schwartz over at Excel Sports Management. I've really been impressed with his Tyler Hansbrough campaign. Hansbrough is going to be pretty marketable, especially because he's in Indiana. He fits their demographic perfectly. Let's take a look at the package they've put together.
JC Penney Spokesman

This just makes sense. I like that they're playing up his style-averse fashion choices as a kind of style. And since the market share of JC Penney among all other Indiana clothiers is nearing 85%, this could be a very lucrative deal. I see them offering Hansbrough his own big and tall clothing line that's heavy on pleated pants and untailored button-downs. This could be huge.

Brough Hats

I'm on board with this initiative as well. I like the Brough/bro interplay because not only is it his name, but the people who are the biggest Tyler Hansbrough fans are real bros. They wear these hats anyways, so why not sell them something endorsed by their favorite player.

Indiana Jersey Promotion

I'm kind of on the fence with this move. Yeah, it gets Hansbrough's name out there, but there's also no real monetization for Tyler's camp. I can't imagine more than 75 people are going to want a Hansbrough Pacers jersey, so they might be giving these away to the only people who would buy them.

Tyler Hansbrough Wax Statue

Now this is the real legendmaker. What other rookie already has a wax statue? That's baller status right there. This is going to be something that Blowtorch Consulting comes back to again and again. There are so many opportunities here. You can charge for pictures taken. You can send it on tour. You can rent it out to nightclubs as a promotion. The possibilities are endless, and the attention to detail is simply stunning. It almost looks real.

Needless to say, the Hansbrough campaign is pretty impressive and I can see Blowtorch Consulting using some of these ideas as we continue to grow. I really like the multifaceted approach they're taking, and the way they're using unusual products to increase their visibility (a tenet of Blowtorch Consulting's business plan). Well done, Jeff Schwartz. I hope we can work together some day.

June 29, 2009

Proposed Nicknames for All 60 Draftees

1. Blake “Gingerballs” Griffin
2. Hasheem “The Meme” Thabeet
3. James “Beardo” Harden
4. Tyreke “Jowls” Evans
5. Ricky “RubiBro” Rubio
6. “Jolly” Jonny Flynn
7. Stephen “Steve” Curry
8. Jordan “Dru” Hill
9. Demar “Dee Dee” DeRozan
10. Brandon “Ken” Jennings
11. Terrence “Scary Terry” Williams
12. Gerald “Male Pattern Baldness” Henderson
13. Tyler “Crunk Juice” Hansbrough
14. Earl “Jeepers Creepers” Clark
15. Austin “Ol’ Shatterbones” Daye
16. James “Joseph” Johnson
17. Jrue “Halitosis” Holiday
18. Ty “Clam Chowder” Lawson
19. Jeff “Fa” Teague
20. Eric “Mustard” Maynor
21. Darrin “Rick” Collison
22. Victor “The Beekeeper” Claver
23. Omri “Omribus” Casspi
24. BJ “Logs” Mullens
25. Rodrigue “Crayfish” Beaubois
26. Taj “Worst in the First” Gibson
27. DeMarre “Of the Marre” Carroll
28. “Squire” Wayne Ellington
29. Toney “Martin” Douglas
30. “Sister” Christian Eyenga
31. Jeff “Teddy” Pendergraph
32. Jermaine “Bespoke” Taylor
33. “Diamond” Dante Cunningham
34. Sergio “Cool” Llull
35. DaJuan “The Juan” Summers
36. Sam “Meat Lovers” Young
37. “Deadleg” DeJuan Blair
38. Jon Brockman aka “Bron Jockman”
39. Jonas “Bookshelves” Jerebko
40. Derrick “Murphy” Brown
41. Jodie “Fats” Meeks
42. Patrick “The” Beverly
43. Marcus “The Clawhammer” Thornton
44. Chase “Whoops!” Budinger
45. Nick Calathes aka “Nicky Lisp”
46. “Gorgeous” Danny Green
47. Henk “Cheese Biscuit” Norel
48. Taylor “Robin Lopez” Griffin
49. Sergey “The Noble Homo” Gladyr
50. Goran “Dark Chief” Suton
51. “Detective” Jack McClinton
52. AJ Price aka “General Cornballer III”
53. Nando De Colo aka “8 ½”
54. Robert “Bobby” Vaden
55. “Peppermint” Patty Mills
56. Ahmad “Paying Nividends” Nivins
57. Emir “The Smear” Preldzic
58. Lester Hudson aka “Jenny from the Block”
59. Chinemelu “Cranberry” Elonu
60. Robert Dozier aka “Twitchy”

June 26, 2009

A Michael Jackson Tribute Post


Found Item: The Minnesota Timberwolves Draft Board

During last night's draft, a lot of people were getting a kick out of the Timberwolves drafting every point guard they could during the first round. It was so funny, in fact, that I coined* the name TimberLOLves to describe the foibles of new GM David Kahn. But then I got my hands on what I am told was their only drafting resource. Then things made sense. Have a look:

*Another coined term from last night: Ricky RubiBro, which is going to be huge.

Future Phoenix Suns Draft Picks

Jim Duncan
-------------Billy Ripken
Conrad Rubio

Daniel Artest
LaRon James

June 25, 2009

A History of Bad Trades Throughout History

Lamar Odom trades the lives of many Trojans for a large horse, explaining "Hey guys, free horse!"

Dick Rowe chooses to sign Brian Poole and The Tremeloes to a record contract, rather than The Beatles.


I offer Danny Solecki a Jamal Mashburn/Dino Radja card package for a Grant Hill rookie card. He accepts.


Cuba Gooding, Jr. willfully utters the line "Hey Michael! I'm wearing your underwear!" and receives several thousand dollars from Hanes. In return, he loses his dignity.


The Cleveland Cavaliers acquire Shaquille O'Neal.


June 24, 2009

Hasheem Thabeet is Fancy

Cars? Oh I certainly will not have a car. That is SO bourgeois. No, I prefer the finer things. For instance, the rich cedar and velvet interior of my yacht The Beat. Chase and Dickie told me I shouldn't name it after myself, but how could I resist? It is to die for.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must get back to my bocce. Rutherford is atrocious without me. Ciao!

An Angsty Magic Fan Weighs in On the Finals

Song: "Outside" - Staind featuring Fred Durst
Mood: Persecuted

Fascists. The Lakers are fascists. You know exactly what I mean, so don't preach to me about the fairness of the "collective bargaining agreement" or the "salary cap." This latest "victory" of theirs is just another egregious misstep by the NBA and their fascist leader David Stern. Fascists.

It's obvious that Stern conspired so that the Lakers would win. It's blatanly apparent in the way he allows them to swindle a team like Memphis for Pau Gasol. And if you don't realize the inherent prejudice towards the Lakers throughout the nation, then you're blind. Just like the rest of them.

And that's another thing. The blatantly obvious media bias for the Los Angeles Lakers is appalling. It was practically a coronation for that communist Kobe Bryant. There is no doubt that Dwight Howard is equally as marketable as the league's poster child, but do you see this being set forth by the league as a chance for a young star to shine? No. That wouldn't fit their precious agenda to anoint the NEXT MICHAEL JORDAN, which let's be honest, can't happen due to Stern's protecting of his legacy maker.

Let's not forget the disregard Stern shows towards the fans. Fans like me. Fans like my cousin. The real people. The working class. The people who watch the games. The people who buy the tickets. The people who pay for his pretty athletes to prance around in their shorts making millions of dollars, while we scrape by and pay their salaries. Stern doesn't care. Never has, never will.

Someday, this whole fascist organization will crumble and I'll be there on top, laughing from on high.

June 23, 2009

Shameless Plug: My Book Cover

Tentatively, this is the cover of my book, The Blowtorch's Big Book of Basketball Facts. It will be profiles of 100 current players with COMPLETELY TRUE facts and backstories that you have never heard before. It will be released at the beginning of the 2009-2010 season, most likely independently. Sample chapters are available here. Get excited.

Shameless Plug: 5 O'Clock Shadowboxers - The Slow Twilight

This isn't related to the NBA in any sort of way at all, but that's okay. Friends of the Blowtorch Douglas Martin (production) and Zilla Rocca (raps) got together, while never meeting, and recorded an album as 5 O'Clock Shadowboxers. It's really, really amazing and really, really innovative, and really, really free. It's worth every penny.

But for real, it's good. Really good.

June 22, 2009

Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hi, I'm Phil Jackson, and I want to tell you about something deep in my heart. You might know me as the basketball coach of the National Basketball Association's Los Angeles Lakers. Or maybe from my 1990s stint as coach of the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan. And while I deeply love basketball, my true passion is the stage.

I love acting with the intensity of a thousand burning suns. Ever since my role as the titular character in my 8th grade performance of Pippin, I've been infatuated with honing my craft. Now that the NBA season is over, I've decided to share my knowledge through Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp.

Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp is an intensive 8 week course that promises to teach you the ins and outs of stage, television, and film acting. You'll learn everything you could need to know from me, Phil Jackson. For instance, dramatic acting.

"I don't know how to put this, Eric. You have...you have...I don't believe it...how did you...how could you...I've never seen this before...where does an infestation of nanobots even come from? begins crying I'll do my best, Eric. I'll do my best...I'll do my best."

And scene.

That was from my still-in-production screenplay BloodBots. It's a sci-fi film that I'm still trying to iron out, but you get the idea.

Another of my specialties is the "crazy" character. You know the kind. He just can't suffer the injustices of this world any longer, then he snaps. Take a look.


And scene.

The monologue I just performed is from a television series that I'm pitching called Jill Faxson: Lady Detective. I'm hoping to play her sidekick Eric, your typical loose cannon.

But lest you think Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp is all doom and gloom, I'll also be teaching comedic acting. This monologue is from another screenplay I'm writing called Bigs. I play a basketball coach who can't communicate with his centers. One center, played by Antonio Banderas, is from Spain. The other is a younger guy who just wants to party, and will be played by Tracy Morgan. Watch and learn.

"Paul, put your pants back on. I said flash TO the high post, not flash the high post."

And scene.

As you can see, Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp is a full-fledged learning experience. I, Phil Jackson, will teach you everything you've ever wanted to know about acting, and then some. For additional details, email my management. Hope to see you soon.

June 19, 2009

Two Lakers Fans Enjoy the Championship Celebration

The Lakers won the NBA championship. The Lakers threw a party about it. Two lucky fans were wily enough to sneak on stage for the festivities. The Blowtorch got their stories.

Darren Adams: Raul and I have planned this sort of thing for quite some time. We always knew that whenever the Lakers won another title, we were going to be there with them, so when it finally happened, we put our plan in action.

Raul Torres: The first thing we knew was that we'd have to look natural up there, but we're little guys, so we needed disguises. Basically, we would try to look like support staff.

DA: It's hot in Los Angeles. I don't know if you know this, but there's a rumor that if you stand in one place in Los Angeles for more than 15 seconds, the chemical make-up of your body can change. That's why Mickey Rourke looks like he does. Anyways, we figured we didn't want to be dying up there, so a t-shirt and some dad shorts was the way to go.

RT: Right after the last game, Darren and I ordered the championship shirts that were being advertised, figuring that lots of people around the stage would have them on. We were right.

DA: The worst part was getting in the stadium. Security was so intense they actually had to call Vin Diesel back in to be a bouncer. If you've seen the new Fast and Furious, you'll know why he jumped at the job.

RT: Once we got past Vin, it was easy to get on stage. The shirts and shorts were perfect, and when we put on sunglasses we looked like anybody else who didn't look like they belonged on stage.

DA: The thing that really stood out to me was how bad Shannon Brown smelled. I mean, I would have expected it from Vujacic, but Shannon looks pretty well-groomed. Must have been the humidity.

RT: Yeah, I noticed that too. I always thought those stink lines you see in cartoons were just a joke, but if you paid attention, you could actually see, like, ripples of odor coming off of him. It was a little disturbing. But I guess that explains why they call him "Stanky Leg."

DA: Other than Stanky Leg, everyone else was cool. I thought it was weird that Lamar Odom wore his pajamas, but he's a strange guy. I'm pretty sure he brought a ferret with him too.

RT: He definitely had his ferret with him, and I can't be sure because he was pretty far away, but I think he called it Lamar.

DA: All in all, it was a great time. I'm really glad we got to experience it from so close, even if we did have to deal with Shannon Brown.

RT: Would I do it again? Probably. I just hope they figure out how to get rid of that smell.

June 18, 2009

The Lakers Are Going On a Trip

Following their championship celebration, the Los Angeles Lakers and a documentary film crew left to celebrate in Paradise Falls, Venezuela by way of hundreds of thousands of balloons attached to their riser. Complications arose when a local child, Russell (right foreground), accidentally wandered on to the platform.

June 17, 2009

Dwight Howard is Starting a Clothing Line

Since I started Blowtorch Consulting, I constantly get important emails asking for my opinions and advice when it comes to properly branding players. And because I'm doing the Phenomenal Swag thing, a lot of the questions I get have to deal with fashion, style, and fashionable style. Things of this nature come easily to me, probably because my mom dressed me exclusively in knickers until age 18. With that kind of background, I'm pretty proud of this news I broke in the headline.

In cooperation with Dwight Howard and adidas, Blowtorch Consulting is proud to introduce Dwight Howard's clothing line DH12. Designed jointly by adidias and Dwight Howard, this full-service line is going to be aimed at the big and tall crowd. It's going to be months before we can get this out to high-end stores, but I've got clearance to show you the first item.
This is by far Dwight's favorite piece from the line, and I've been told he wears it out in Orlando almost every night. It's nipped at the waist to give a clean silhouette, but it's sleeveless construction allows Dwight's arms to be exposed, as he insists. You can see the modest DH12 logo on the back, and the familiar three stripes of adidas on the left shoulder. Basically, it's the perfect piece of clothing for when you want to regulate your core temperature, but still show off your arms. It's priced at an affordable $399.99.

We're aiming for a September release, and I'm hoping to be able to show off some more of the samples later this summer. Be on the lookout at Hypebeast, Hipster Runoff, and High Snobiety for release information.

(post updated for legal reasons)

June 16, 2009

NBA Finals Game 6 Preview

Los Angeles Lakers vs. Orlando Magic (4-1 LAL, in Los Angeles)

Magic Keys to the Game: Game 6 will be a pivotal game for the Magic. They will need a big game from Dwight Howard, staunch defense by rookie Courtney Lee and Mikael Pietrus, and solid minutes from point guards Rafer Alston and Jameer Nelson. Additionally, coach Stan Van Gundy is going to need to find a way to develop time travel. Of course, if the Magic don't make their free-throws, this game is over before it starts.

Lakers Keys to the Game: Whatever the Lakers do, the biggest thing is that they need to avoid any sort of portal, DeLorean, or wormhole that Orlando might try to use.

Prediction: Considering that the only human to have ever time-travelled is the Lakers' Kobe Bryant, it is unlikely that he will share his secrets with the Magic. If they can't find a way to go back in time and change the past, without jeopardizing the future, this series is over.

June 15, 2009

2009 Contests In Which Dwight Howard Finished 2nd

NBA Finals
Slam DunkYelling
Cartoonish Arms
Not Being Caressed by Tyronn Lue
Shirt Wearing

A Couple of Bros Win an NBA Title

Bro, we totally won the title, bro.

For real, bro.

Bro, check out this trophy.

Heavy, bro.

Can you believe it, bro? It's like meeting a fly honey who wants to party, AND THEN YOU PARTY. Unbelievable, broski.

No kidding, bro. My pops is always like, "winning a title is the best feeling in the history of the world and Western civilization." I'm always like, "psssht whatevs." But he wasn't lying, bro.

Yeah, bro.

Do you ever think, like, maybe there's more to life than playing basketball and being chill?

Not really, bro. I just want to wear backwards hats all day and party.

Word up. Let's get crunk.

June 12, 2009

Proposed Orlando Magic Endorsement Opportunity

Guys, it's the Finals right now and Blowtorch Consulting has been hard at work. I've been putting together deals, making proposals, and using investment strategies. My savvy mind tells me to "strike when the iron is hot" and "any publicity is good publicity." These are business terms I'm using, and if they go over your heard I apologize. But seriously, they work.

Take for instance my latest deal. The Orlando Magic attempted more three-pointers this season than any other team in the league. Some people call shooting a lot of three-pointers a long distance approach. And everyone knows you can use your cellular telephone's satelite transmissions to make long distance phone calls. I talked with Blowtorch Consulting's creative director (me) and we put together this ad campaign for the Orlando Magic Long Distance Connect Package.
It really meshes well with their "more bars in more places" movement. They were even kind enough to include international calling to France. Unfortunately, due to problems concerning the downfall of the Ottoman Empire, calls to Turkey couldn't be included, so that's why you see Hedo over to the left. However, we did like the way that his wandering kinds of made it feel like a more natural happening, rather than a promotion.

If we get this deal confirmed it'll be huge for us. We've already got LeBron signed up, which is huge; but if we can get an entire team like the Magic AND a huge corporation like AT&T, that'll be amazing. Wish me luck, I've got a presentation in Orlando Sunday evening.

June 11, 2009

RetroTorch: Detroit Water Torture

They were all smiles when Isiah filled Bill's bathtub. It was when he held him underwater that the mood changed.


June 9, 2009

1000 Words: Coaching is Easy

While Brian Shaw, Jim Cleamons, and Mitch Kupchak went about their business, Coach for a Day contest winner "Bones" tried his best to fit in by emulating Kupchak's every move. Everything was fine until Kupchak got up to use the airplane lavatory.

June 8, 2009

Dress Like an NBA Finals Participant

Three great looks for three different pricepoints...

Calvin Klein 3 button brown pinstripe suit (Macy's) - $174.99Patterned dress shirt (Old Navy) - $12.25Jonathan Product "Dirt" (Amazon.com) - $14.00
Total: $201.24

Black knit sweater vest (Express) - $39.501MX shirt wide tonal stripe (Express) - $37.50
Silk tie (Express) - $39.50

Total: $10,116.50 (including watch)


John Corey short sleeve performance mock turtleneck (Carefree Casuals) - $18.04Haircut (SuperCuts) -$8.00

Total: $26.04