November 30, 2009

Single Black Lee Male

I'm not too sure what to make of this Courtney Lee character. Last year, with the Magic, she seemed like a nice lady who was down to play some tough defense and maybe make a three-pointer or miss an alley-oop layup on occasion.

But this year, there is something different. For instance, now she plays with the New Jersey Nets. That's not the difference I was talking about, necessarily. Check this out.

I know what you're thinking. No, that isn't Kenyon Martin from 2000 to 2004. It's just a case of one human (Courtney Lee) trying to be another human (Kenyon Martin) who was trying to be another human (Method Man). A real Kirk Lazarus situation.

Feels like an identity crisis starring John Cusack and Ray Liotta. Last season, peeps were like, "check out Courtney Lee, he's pretty legit." And he was sorta legit. He was a down-to-earth tucked-in shirt bro with a lady's name.

Now he is all headbandy and goateed, and I'm kinda thinking maybe he wants to be an enforcer like Kenyon Martin. Or maybe he wants to shoot bad jumpshots like Kenyon Martin. It's possible he wants to reinvent himself as a good defender who thinks he's an elite defender like Kenyon Martin. Maybe he just likes holding backboards like Kenyon Martin.

That's all well and good. Maybe he'll be the number one draft pick some time. I don't know. But I do know that there is one thing that I just can't accept from Courtney Lee, and that is a comically bad tattoo of a rapper's lips on his neck.

Be careful, Courtney Lee.

November 24, 2009

If My Dog Played Basketball

Everybody knows that my dog Yams really likes basketball.

As you can see she clearly 'nose for the ball' and she is pretty aggressive when going for it. I think that means that she'd be a really good rebounder, and would probably get a modest contract from the Houston Rockets because of efficiency. Which is cool since she'd be the first female to play in the NBA.

But sometimes, I wish she was a more skilled basketball player. I wish she could do other things besides just rebounding. I mean, yeah, it's worked out pretty well for Reggie Evans, but I want something better for Yams.

It would be excellent if I could teach her tons of ball-handling moves. Maybe I'd call her God Yammgod.

But I've always been a big guy, so I would have to teach her big guy things. Like how to block a lot of shots, but never really be a good defender. I would call her Yamuel Dalembert.

Maybe after that she would have one good year, get a huge contract, and then never fulfill that contract. I would call her Erick Yampier.

Later on we'd work on her 18-footer. It'd really help expand her limited offensive repertoire. Along with the rebounding and shot-blocking, she'd have three valuable skills. I would call her Marcus Yamby.

When her playing career has ended she'll probably have a reputation as a hard-worker who is committed to defense. Hopefully that means she'll be able to coach someday. If so, I'd call her Kurt Yambis.

This is all a dream though. She's only a year old, and even in dog years that's not old enough to enter the Draft. But depending on how you look at it, we have somewhere between 3 and 17 years to get her ready for the NBA. By then the gender/species barrier might have already been broken. But if not, I'm hoping Yams Baldwin Kerby can be the first to do it.

November 23, 2009

Brandon Jennings' New Shoes

As you already know, I'm a very powerful advertising executive.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some ads?

And you already know that I'm down with shoes.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some shoes?

But you probably didn't know that I was working closely with Under Armour to create the newest shoe for their biggest (and only) NBA endorser, Brandon Jennings. Brandon wanted to go with something that represented his team, the Milwaukee Bucks. I think we subtly alluded to that with this newest signature shoe, the BJ2.

The BJ2

There's some pretty impressive performance features. The zipper helps to maintain the low profile that Brandon likes, and the Hoof BottomTM allows for forefoot flexibility. Of course the coarse deer hair (obtained from real deer carcasses*) let's Brandon's foot breath, while keeping it dry and warm. The extended Deer Ankle TechnologyTM gives support to both high and low ankle sprains.


We really looked to nature on this project, and I think it turned out pretty well. In fact, Brandon was wearing the shoes during his 55 point explosion. That's a pretty ringing endorsement. Right now, the shoes aren't available for the public, but they will be released over All Star Weekend. These will be especially great during the cold winter months. Stay tuned for further updates.

*No deer were harmed in the making of the BJ2. All hair was obtained from a roadkill exchange initiative in the Milwaukee area.

November 20, 2009

Spike Lee Explains Things: A Blowtorch Joint

Aight, Mike, let's break it down. I'm not legally affiliated with the team, but I go to every Knicks game. Every single Knicks game. 41 a year, Mike. Ahmad here does a show once a week about the NBA, so he doesn't have to be at a lot of games, but he goes anyways. And then you. You run an actual NBA team. Kinda. The Bobcats, man. They're technically an NBA team, but you don't even go to the games. That sound right? That sound right?

And what's with the mock turtlenecks, Mike? Back in the day, GQ was all over you. Oh, Michael Jordan, best dressed and all that. But now you wear mock turtlenecks and mom jeans, man. Was they lying back then, Mike? I mean, Ahmad can't say too much. He got on a scarf and jacket cut from the same material, but you know better Mike. You know? Youknowyouknowyouknow?

I know you ain't want to hear it Money, but it needs to be said. Don't leave me hanging, Mike. I'm just trying to set you straight, man. C'mon Mike. C'monc'monc'mon. Awww...Mike. C'mon!

November 19, 2009

Upon Kris Humphries Assuming Wolf Form

Kinda worried, guys.

I was reading the Internet and I came across this poster of Kris Humphries starring in the documentary New Moon.

twilight humphries

Clearly this means that Kris Humphries is a werewolf. Clearly, werewolves are dangerous. They are known to eat humans, livestock, and sometimes Cobb salads. Clearly werewolves will eat whatever, so we need to be prepared for when Kris Humphries transforms from human to werewolf. Clearly.

Now, I have it under good authority that the Dallas Mavericks have undertaken strict precautions for employing a werewolf. Mark Cuban has developed a sophisticated 'moon catcher' that blocks moon rays from reaching Humphries' skin, preventing transformation. However, not all teams have adopted this technology, so I have put together a short guide for protecting yourself from WereKris. Here are the DOs and DO NOTs of werewolf safety:
  • DO NOT attend Dallas Maverick games when a full moon is expected.
  • DO always carry several steaks with you whenever the Mavericks are scheduled near your city. If WereKris attacks, throw a steak as far as you can, then run in the other direction.
  • DO NOT forget to throw all of the steaks in different directions, otherwise WereKris will still smell the steaks you left in your pockets, and eat those steaks and probably your legs..
  • DO wear cargo pants for maximum steak-holding efficacy.
  • DO NOT listen to "She Wolf" by Shakira within a 50 mile radius of WereKris. That's just asking for trouble.
  • DO fashion a shirt of mistletoe if it is confirmed that Humphries has transformed. Not only does the plant sometimes ward off werewolves, it also might get you a kiss when he becomes human again.
  • DO NOT try to kiss Kris Humphries if he is in werewolf form.
  • DO arm yourself with a revolver loaded with pure silver bullets. This is just good advice in general. You never know when things might get shoot-y.
  • DO NOT investigate the Shrieking Shack or what is under the Whomping Willow.
  • DO ask Professor Snape for a flask of Wolfsbane potion. Just in case.
From all the reading I've done on werewolves (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Wikipedia) it seems like we can co-exist with werewolves as long as we are careful. Constant vigilance is needed to stay alive. It's like I always say, "stay alive to stay alive."

"Stay alive to stay alive."
-- Trey Kerby, 1984-2012

November 18, 2009

The Annotated Brad Miller Drive

Last night I was watching some NBA basketball on television. I was enjoying the Chicago Bulls versus Sacramento Kings basketball game when Brad Miller decided to drive to the basket. This caused me to have some laughs.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a true copy of the game because of 'blackouts' and 'legal restrictions', so this video will have to do. Nothing says aesthetic quality quite like a videotaped screen with annotations. But for seriously, make some laughs with me as Brad Miller fakes out Spencer Hawes, plays to the camera, and causes the announcers to say some of the most obviously crazy things ever uttered on a broadcast.

November 17, 2009

Stephen Jackson Joins the Bobcats


I'm for real a Bobcat?

Like really? Like I play for the Bobcats now? That's for real?

Dag, yo.

And this my uniform? With like, the stripes but then sometimes no stripes? And this trim stuff that's like 18 different colors? For serious?

Dag, yo.

This is MESSED up. I was like "yo trade me Nellie," but I didn't mean to the Bobcats. Not cool, man. I was like hoping to get on a good team or something. But the Bobcats?

Dag, yo.

Yo, who plays guard around this piece? Who Murray? Flip? That his real name? Grown man call himself Flip. That ain't right. Forget it mang, I'ma play for y'all. I can do that, for...for you. But I'ma shoot. "Flip" Murray think he the only guard with a goatee and headband that gonna shoot, he's outta his mind.

THERE'S A DUDE NAMED BORIS ON THIS TEAM?? This ain't no Rocky and Bullwinkle type joke right? For real. His name is Boris?

Dag, yo.

At least he big though. Must be able to dunk something fierce.

He can't dunk?? For real? Man 6 foot 8 and can't dunk. You serious?

Dag, yo.

I guess y'all need scoring, right? Stephen Jackson can score for you. Stephen Jackson going to score for you. Like for real. Like lots of scoring for you. I'ma get my shots. Don't you worry. I'll do it for you, Bobcats.

Dag, yo.

The Bobcats...for real.

November 16, 2009

Joakim Noah Serves Turkey

Yeah yeah yeah yeah Joakim got turkey all up in this. We talkin turkey lurkey hidin in the bushes Aerobeds aint got enough cushions. Uh. Bad Boy baby. Who want this turkey?

Yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh boy. Get that turkey, son. When it come November, turkey be oil be rebounds, son. Get that turkey, son. Gimme some.

Close enough, dog. Next time, pound that. Like, BOOM style. Pound that action. We'll work on it. But now, homie? Let's dance.


November 13, 2009

Things More Exciting Than a Channing Frye Dunk

Photo Gallery - Yahoo! Sports
  • Nachos
  • Going to the bathroom
  • Falling asleep sitting up

November 12, 2009

The Brad Miller Show - Episode 1

Brad Miller and sidekick Brian Scalabrine discuss guns, nicknames, and sprinting.

November 11, 2009

Flip Saunders Coaches DeShawn Stevenson

Hey DeShawn. Just wanted to let you know that you have several tattoos on your neck. One of them is Abraham Lincoln.

Oh, and there's a couple on your face too. Tattoos. On your face. Just reminding you.

One more thing, you were a -25 tonight. Yeah, the Heat scored 25 more points than us when you were on the court. Not great. The whole "defensive stopper" thing wasn't really happening, I guess. Next time.

But mostly, I just wanted to remind you about the tattoos that are on your neck and face, because those are still there.

Thanks, DeShawn.

November 10, 2009

You Did It, Chris!

Chris! CHRIS!


Way to go buddy! You just won NBA Player of the Week for the Western Conference! I'm so proud of you! I cannot stop screaming!

Yeah, Chris!!!!!! Congratulations on literally the biggest honor you have ever received in your career, and probably the biggest honor a Clipper will receive this season! Woooooooooo!

Check out my sign, Chris. If you couldn't tell, I made it myself. I didn't want to go the cliche "professional-looking sign" way so I tore a piece of ceiling down from my office at work and found whatever Sharpies we had in the supply cabinet. Looks great, right?!?!

You did it, Chris!! You did it so much!



November 9, 2009

Here's How Bad the Hornets Are

Whoops, Adam Morrison got his first picture of the year taken against your team. It was a wide open jumper. It went in.

November 6, 2009

Considering a Throat Tattoo

You guys know I like to stay up on trends. That's why I'm so big in to skateboarding lately. I just really like skitching. It's pretty relaxing. But anyways, one of the big trends so far this year in the NBA is throat tattoos. First DeShawn Stevenson got one so that people would remember who DeShawn Stevenson is:

Then JR Smith got one so people would forget who DeShawn Stevenson is:

All in all, seems like a pretty chill place to get a tattoo. Plus it's a really great look. It gives you a chance to brand yourself (metaphorically and physically) in a place that people don't expect. Basically, it's going viral on your own body. Pretty smart.

But I can't decide what I want to get across the front of my neck. I've got some ideas though.

Might get my favorite player tattooed on my throat.

Might go the Stevenson route and get my favorite president, Millard Fillmore, tattooed on my throat.
Might go the JR Smith route and get someone else's nickname tattooed on my throat.

Might one up them and get my own face tattooed on my throat.

Like I said, it's a pretty tough decision. It's going to affect me for the rest of my life, or until lasers become a lot more affordable through the "Laser in Every Home" program. But that's hardly the point. I want my throat tattoo and I want it now.

So help me, Internet. What should I get tattooed on my throat?

November 5, 2009

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 3

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You don't have to be in every picture during the minuscule time you're on the court. We get it, you're in the NBA. The constant reminders and "did you see me cutting down the lane" is a little ostentatious. Andre Miller is doing what he can to get you the easiest shot he can and all you can do is hang out by the freethrow line, hoping for a kickout. Pretty wack, bro.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

November 4, 2009

The Brad Miller Offensive Playbook

PLAY 1 - THE THREE1. Receive pass
2. Shoot three-pointer
3. Celebrate


1. Receive pass

2. Pump fake

3. Slow drive to the basket

4. Encounter several defenders

5. Awkward layup

6a. Have sadness

6b. Celebrate

November 2, 2009

We Are Clippers

"We Are Clippers"
- a poetry slam by Baron Davis and Eric Gordon -
We Are Clippers
Not by choice
But by calling
(Except Baron -
he chose)

We Are Clippers
Through thick
and through thin
Through loss
and through win
But when?
When will we win?
We Are Clippers
We win when?

We Are Clippers
We grow beards
The beards, they are weird
That's what I've hear-ed
But the word
It is 'heard'
We Are Clippers
We need clippers

We Are Clippers
We Are Clippers
Clippers, we are