October 7, 2009

My Newest Clients

As y'all know, my house is a happening place. As the headquarters for Blowtorch Consulting, we were proud to host BDLCON 2k9. Fans from as far as Indiana, Canada, and Illinois flocked to Illinois to watch television and make jokes. We were pretty pleased with the turn-out.

We did so many activities, like dog training. Here is a famous Internet celebrity teaching one of our volunteers how to dribble a basketball:

Anyways, after the success of BDLCON 2k9, I've received some requests from athletes for some face-to-face consultations. It's a new day for Blowtorch Consulting. Where we had previously just e-mailed memes, marketing opportunities, and growth strategies to assorted players, now we're working hands-on with our clients.

Our first guess was a bro named Jason. He stopped by to see how he could become more recognizable to the public. I told him, "bro, you need to do something wacky. Something that will make people think about you in a new way."

He said, "like some new hair product and a gingham shirt?"

I said, "nah, bro. Like change your number or something."

And here he is now: I'd say that's a successful image makeover. Before he was just a bro who could shoot shots pretty good, but kind of looked like a sissy. Now, he's got this new silly number that makes people think he's mysterious.
After that went so well, he recommended me to his friend, Primoz. Now, I wasn't sure exactly who this guy was, or what his name was supposed to mean. I kinda figured he was a big Prince fan, but turns out he hates Prince. So the name mystery remains unsolved.

But I told him, "maybe you shouldn't necessarily play up the ethnic name. People will think you're coming over here to steal American jobs, which is kind of a touchy subject."

He agreed, saying, "Kul človek. Bom poskusil pogledati več ameriških."

I had no idea what that meant, but he went upstairs, changed clothes, and mussed up his hair. I was shocked to see that he looked exactly like my college roommate.

When he came down, he was calling himself "Pedro," thinking it was a typical American name. I suggested "Pete" and the transformation was complete.

I can't exactly say where this company is going, but I like the direction it's taken lately. To really help control the images of these almost-world-class athletes is a positive step for us. I'll keep you posted on the happenings of Blowtorch Consulting.

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