November 19, 2009

Upon Kris Humphries Assuming Wolf Form

Kinda worried, guys.

I was reading the Internet and I came across this poster of Kris Humphries starring in the documentary New Moon.

twilight humphries

Clearly this means that Kris Humphries is a werewolf. Clearly, werewolves are dangerous. They are known to eat humans, livestock, and sometimes Cobb salads. Clearly werewolves will eat whatever, so we need to be prepared for when Kris Humphries transforms from human to werewolf. Clearly.

Now, I have it under good authority that the Dallas Mavericks have undertaken strict precautions for employing a werewolf. Mark Cuban has developed a sophisticated 'moon catcher' that blocks moon rays from reaching Humphries' skin, preventing transformation. However, not all teams have adopted this technology, so I have put together a short guide for protecting yourself from WereKris. Here are the DOs and DO NOTs of werewolf safety:
  • DO NOT attend Dallas Maverick games when a full moon is expected.
  • DO always carry several steaks with you whenever the Mavericks are scheduled near your city. If WereKris attacks, throw a steak as far as you can, then run in the other direction.
  • DO NOT forget to throw all of the steaks in different directions, otherwise WereKris will still smell the steaks you left in your pockets, and eat those steaks and probably your legs..
  • DO wear cargo pants for maximum steak-holding efficacy.
  • DO NOT listen to "She Wolf" by Shakira within a 50 mile radius of WereKris. That's just asking for trouble.
  • DO fashion a shirt of mistletoe if it is confirmed that Humphries has transformed. Not only does the plant sometimes ward off werewolves, it also might get you a kiss when he becomes human again.
  • DO NOT try to kiss Kris Humphries if he is in werewolf form.
  • DO arm yourself with a revolver loaded with pure silver bullets. This is just good advice in general. You never know when things might get shoot-y.
  • DO NOT investigate the Shrieking Shack or what is under the Whomping Willow.
  • DO ask Professor Snape for a flask of Wolfsbane potion. Just in case.
From all the reading I've done on werewolves (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Wikipedia) it seems like we can co-exist with werewolves as long as we are careful. Constant vigilance is needed to stay alive. It's like I always say, "stay alive to stay alive."

"Stay alive to stay alive."
-- Trey Kerby, 1984-2012

1 comment:

Crazy Canton Cuts said...

I'm really avoiding the NBA now

saw enough werewolves playing basketball in Teen Wolf