February 27, 2009
February 25, 2009
This is me. I am 6 feet 5 inches tall, and I weigh around 220 pounds. I am 25 years old. According to this 2006 survey, I'm just about the average NBA player, except the 4ish years of experience. Unfortunately, I've yet to be called up from the Glendale Heights Park District Men's A League. I'm surprised, too.
I'm pretty even-keeled. I don't have a terrible temper, but I also won't back down from a confrontation. Two Sundays ago, I nearly started a riot at my men's league game, due to an intentional foul. While I'm not actively seeking out fights, if someone were to start one with me, I'm going to defend myself. Of course, I'm a genial fellow, so I haven't been in a legitmate fight since 4th grade when I beat up Mike Punkachar in my living room.
But being average-sized, I thought it was necessary that I put together a list of players who I think I could beat in a fight. Even though Barack Obama wouldn't let it happen, there's a chance that another Pacers/Pistons brawl could happen at any time. Here is the list of NBA players I think I could beat in a fight, with a short description why:
- Alex Acker - probably asthmatic.
- Maurice Ager - lacks peripheral vision.
- Alexis Ajinca - seems awkward.
- Morris Almond - too pretty.
- Chucky Atkins - named Chucky.
- Jose Barea - tiny.
- Marco Bellinelli - extreme tan suggests vanity.
- Goran Dragic - appears to be 11.
- Kevin Durant - weak.
- Daniel Gibson - well-groomed, and therefore unconcerned with physical contact. Nicknamed "Boobie."
- Manu Ginobili - would fall.
- Kyle Korver - avoids confrontation.
- Rashard Lewis - timid/easily bruised.
- Tyronn Lue - small wingspan and top-heavy.
- Steve Nash - brittle.
- Chris Quinn - looks like this:
- Cheikh Samb - easily distracted by shiny objects.
- Sun Yue - weighs 120 pounds. Possible martial artists. May re-think this one.
- Roko Ukic - pregnant.
- Yao Ming - slow, lots of surface area for striking.
February 24, 2009
February 23, 2009
February 20, 2009
I JUST thought of this, don't you think that NBA players look like guys from The Wire?
Or how about this: the Spurs have beef jerky playing for their team!
Here's another good one: NBA players look like rappers!
Okay, okay. Last one. Donny Marshall looks EXACTLY like Ludacris.
February 18, 2009
25 is shaping up to be a GREAT year.
It was intriguing! I learned a bunch about stats. I don't know if you guys have heard about stats, so let me teach you some things about stats.
First and foremost, you need to know what stats are. A stat is a way that we count things that happen. If you have more than one stat it becomes stats. In essence, stats is the plural form of stat, which is a name for something that happened. For instance, if a player takes a jump shot, that is a stat. Let's say that player (Rajon Rondo) misses that shot, that is also a stat. If you combine these, that is a player's stats.
That is how we get stats.
Now that you know where stats come from, let's learn about what the article talks about. Because it's not just about stats. It's also about advanced stats, which are kind of like if stats could get superpowers. But between stats and advanced stats are intermediate stats.
Some people didn't think stats were good enough. They were haters. So they decided, "we need more stats." They took all the normal stats (like points and assists and rebounds) and divided them by other stats (games and shots and ratios). This made new stats which are called intermediate stats. They're pretty much normal nowadays, like how the average height of humans has increased over time.
But intermediate stats were not enough for some people. These people were probably people who liked; a) numbers and b) basketball. I don't know for sure, but that's a guess (they'd call it a hypothesis). So these people took stats and intermediate stats and decided to make advanced stats. It's the same as when John Madden invented the Turducken or Charles Darwin invented evolution.
Here's a diagram that shows how stats became advanced stats:
As you can see, stats was a quadroped in the primordial ooze until John Hollinger (a stat-liker/maker) made advanced stats which stands on two legs and lives in a forrest.
February 17, 2009
In a three-team deal, Chris Andersen and your grandmother have been shipped from, respectively, the Denver Nuggets and Forest Oaks Retirement Home to the Phoenix Suns. In return, the Nuggets received 24 8-ounce bottles of Ensure Vanilla Supreme Nutrition Shake and the Retirement Home received Matt Barnes' haircut.
February 13, 2009
February 12, 2009
-Before the invention of Gatorade, porridge was served on sidelines to replenish players. Since porridge is electrolyte free, sugar was added for a quick energy boost. In the 80s, cocaine was used.
-Some players still prefer porridge (or its easier to drink form, gruel) to Gatorade or other “sports drinks.” These players include: Francisco Garcia, Eric Gordon, Jason Kapono, and Devean George amongst many others.
February 11, 2009
February 10, 2009
February 9, 2009
9:49 -- Another Dude: What's that say? "DUUUUHHHH?" Oh, brother. He's lost it.
February 6, 2009
But that's not the point right now. The point right now is the various Anthonys who are in the NBA. Did you know there are nine current NBA players who have Anthony as a first or last name? I did. I did the research. Furthermore, did you know that greater than 25% of NBA players have Anthony as a middle name? That's true, too. Players such as Brad Miller, Andrew Bynum, Francisco Garcia, and Joakim Noah all share this middle name. In fact, Anthony is even the middle name of Carmelo Anthony, making him Carmelo Anthony Anthony. I know, it's hard to believe but I wouldn't make that up.
- Johnson and Carter are both bald.
- Johnson, Carter, and Roberson all have facial hair.
- Parker and Johnson both have the number 8 on their jerseys.
- Roberson and Parker both have closely trimmed hair, but are not bald.
- Carter and Roberson both have tattoos.
- Carter and Roberson both have the number 5 on their jerseys.
- Parker and Roberson both have necks while Johnson and Carter are neckless.
- Roberson wears a thin rubber strap bearing the word "BALLA."
- Parker wears a black wrist wrap that conceals the sweet friendship bracelets he got while playing overseas.
- Parker wears a white wristband.
As you can see, these Anthonys are VERY similar and also interchangeable. There are rumors around the NBA that, at times, these Anthonys have been switched between teams without anyone knowing. However, with this detailed diagram, we won't be fooled again.
Thanks for learning!
February 5, 2009
I mean, look at all the guys having a great time:
JJ Redick played point guard last night! In an actual NBA game, for an actual NBA team!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. I totally get it now. Oh laughing, you're the best. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
February 4, 2009
Then your buddies showed up.
Your friend, Jeff? That guys sucks. He's got the most annoying voice on Earth and he would not shut up. Oh, and I'm pretty sure his elbows are made of razorwire. I don't know what his problem is, but he was throwing elbows at everyone. What a jerk. I mean, seriously, who plays basketball with gel in their hair?
Kevin seemed alright, except: a) line beard. You know I hate line beards, and b) holy cow is he sweaty. I kind of felt bad for him, it was really gross. But then I remembered his line beard and didn't feel quite as bad.
I think you need to tell your friends to chill out the next time they come to the gym. They were playing WAY harder than anyone else, and it was really getting on everybody's nerves. It's cool that they were trying to "take the competition up a notch," or whatever, but they were really lame. Jeff kept making these really inappropriate jokes then laughing to himself with this smug smile. It really weirded me out.
I don't mean to be a jerk, but if those guys don't relax, they're not welcome at X-Sport Fitness.
February 3, 2009
You've got a lot of growing up to do.
February 2, 2009
Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:
- Full extension of the shooting arm.
- Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
- Strange facial expression.
Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:
But here's Greg Oden:
Here's our last comparison.
Also, you can't get AIDS from a marathon so that probably helps to clear that up.