NBA Players I Think I Could Beat in a Fight

This is me. I am 6 feet 5 inches tall, and I weigh around 220 pounds. I am 25 years old. According to this 2006 survey, I'm just about the average NBA player, except the 4ish years of experience. Unfortunately, I've yet to be called up from the Glendale Heights Park District Men's A League. I'm surprised, too.

I'm pretty even-keeled. I don't have a terrible temper, but I also won't back down from a confrontation. Two Sundays ago, I nearly started a riot at my men's league game, due to an intentional foul. While I'm not actively seeking out fights, if someone were to start one with me, I'm going to defend myself. Of course, I'm a genial fellow, so I haven't been in a legitmate fight since 4th grade when I beat up Mike Punkachar in my living room.

But being average-sized, I thought it was necessary that I put together a list of players who I think I could beat in a fight. Even though Barack Obama wouldn't let it happen, there's a chance that another Pacers/Pistons brawl could happen at any time. Here is the list of NBA players I think I could beat in a fight, with a short description why:

• Alex Acker - probably asthmatic.
• Maurice Ager - lacks peripheral vision.
• Alexis Ajinca - seems awkward.
• Morris Almond - too pretty.
• Chucky Atkins - named Chucky.
• Jose Barea - tiny.
• Marco Bellinelli - extreme tan suggests vanity.
• Goran Dragic - appears to be 11.
• Kevin Durant - weak.
• Daniel Gibson - well-groomed, and therefore unconcerned with physical contact. Nicknamed "Boobie."
• Manu Ginobili - would fall.
• Kyle Korver - avoids confrontation.
• Rashard Lewis - timid/easily bruised.
• Tyronn Lue - small wingspan and top-heavy.
• Steve Nash - brittle.
• Chris Quinn - looks like this:


• Cheikh Samb - easily distracted by shiny objects.
• Sun Yue - weighs 120 pounds. Possible martial artists. May re-think this one.
• Roko Ukic - pregnant.
• Yao Ming - slow, lots of surface area for striking.

Doomsday Scenario #3243875938475

On July 30th, the Cheesecake Factory will be offering every one of their cheesecakes at a discounted price of $1.50 a slice. Sure this seems like a good idea, a nice way to honor their 30 year anniversary. But consider the consequences, I've produced a flow chart for easy viewing.

click for large version

As you can see, virtually every imaginable scenario is perilous. I suggest stocking up on non-perishables, bottled water, and batteries. You have 5 days to prepare for the apocalypse.

Best of the 1991 NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Please watch this fantastic video from the '91 Slam Dunk Contest for the following reasons:

• In the words of my friend Murph, "listen to the music in the background... and why are Rex Chapman's spandex way longer than his shorts?"
• Every competitor has a high-top fade, including obvious White Guy Rex Chapman.
• A Shawn Kemp sighting.
• A Dee Brown sighting.
• Kenny Smith playing basketball.
• Shawn Kemp doing the same dunk that Rex Chapman did, right after Rex Chapman did it, then proceeding to do that same dunk another 2 times.
• Dee Brown's shoes.
• Magic Johnson making the same jokes that he made during this year's contest.

BEARD-OFF

Yes, I entered the Baron Davis beard challenge.

Yes, that's me.

Yes, that's the reason I go by goathair.

Yes, I got called Jackie Moon, Will Ferrell, and Semi-Pro at my men's league last night.

You Know What They Say...

...all foreign big men look alike.

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Elbowed Me in the Face Last Night

Dear Tall Guy with a Mustache and a Mouthguard,

Thanks so much for elbowing me in the face the day before my birthday. A black eye and sizeable lump is the perfect accessory to a shawl-neck cardigan. I appreciate your gift very much.

I think it’s awesome that you care so much about winning a church league that you would throw elbows the entire game. Furthermore, I’m honored that you would elbow me in the face (and the back, and the neck, and the shoulders) as a sort of repayment for scoring 20 on you. It was almost as flattering as when your team switched you off of me because I was scoring so often.

However, my lady wasn’t too thrilled when I told her I would be sporting a face bruise for the near future. She understands that I’m a baller, but these injuries are getting ridiculous. I’m only 24! Based on family history, I was expecting to get hurt all the time when I turned 50.

I also thought it was pretty cool when you told our team to “stop whining” after we asked the ref a question. We really needed your even-keeled advice; you did hit that one jump shot in the first half.

Lastly, I know that if I would have stopped whining I wouldn’t have had to knock you on the ground in the last minute of the game. So I’m sorry for that. Well, not really. You pretty much deserved it.

Xoxoxo,

Goathair

A Letter from Boris Diaw to Shawn Marion

E’ Shawn Mare-ee-own, E’

I take-a yo’ shots, and I make-a yo’ shots. A ze Suns, a we-a don’ need-a you no mo. We gotta ze Shack-wheel, and-a ze Nawsh, ze Am-air-ee, and mos’ eem-por-tanlee, ze BORIS.

Ze Boris is ‘eer. No need-a to worry, about-a ze Phoenix Suns. I’m a gonna make-a you all forget about ze Shawn Mare-ee-own. ‘E a leetle poonk. (Ees-a zat how you say “Pee-Ooh-En-Kay?”)

I get-a yo’ shots. I get-a yo’ weebounz. I get-a yo’ wee-mens.

Zahnk you,

BORIS DIAW

Maybe Shaq Just Wants to Wear Purple Again

Grizzlies Plan First “Busts and Boobies” Lineup

Memphis, TN – After Friday’s blockbuster trade, Memphis Grizzlies coach Mark Iavaroni has been tinkering with the idea of playing his three young point guards with his two colossal failures.

Said Iavaroni, “I really think that if we can get Kwame (Brown) and Darko (Milicic) on the floor together, it will help people understand that these young guys we have now are pretty good by comparison.”

Acquired from the Los Angeles Lakers, Brown is widely considered to be the worst number one draft pick in NBA history. Originally drafted by the Washington Wizards, Brown was an immediate disappointment and was quickly shipped to the Lakers in exchange for Caron Butler and others. Nonetheless, Brown parlayed his athleticism and size in to a sizeable contract – one that Grizzlies will be all to happy to rid themselves of this off-season.

Iavaroni said, “Kwame’s been quite the disappointment around the league. We don’t expect that to change, but we’ve had Darko half the season, so we think we’re prepared.”

Milicic, a forward from Serbia, was drafted by the Pistons ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh. After sitting on the bench for a little more than 2 years, Darko was traded to the Magic where he failed to live up to expectations. This summer, Milicic was signed by the Grizzlies as a complement to the recently departed Pau Gasol.

Also acquired in the Gasol trade was rookie point guard Javaris Crittenton. A rookie from Georgia Tech University, Crittenton joins Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley, Jr. as the third point guard on the roster with less than a full year of NBA experience.

Though unorthodox to play three point guards and two centers, Iavaroni feels that the contrast in talent between the guards and centers will showcase just how good the youngsters can be.

“The way I figure,” said Iavaroni, “we’ve got nothing to lose. We’re barely better than the Knicks. Why not lose a few more games and draft Michael Beasley?”

Miami Can't Catch a Break

Seen in last night's Coca-Cola "Republicans and Democrats are Friends!" commercial (about 50 seconds in, after the "Arenas" game-winner):

Another Reason Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a Hall of Famer

SMOOTH

Why Joakim Noah Got Suspended

At the Bulls' training facility, Joakim Noah arrives to practice 37 minutes late.

Ron Adams: You're late, Joaquin.

Joakim Noah: Ey yo dunny, it's Joakim. Joe-uh-keem. Don't get it twisted, son,

RA: Ok...well, you're still late. You know the rules, one down and back for every minute.

JN: I ain't even feeling that. I'm here now. Let's ball.

RA: Not until you do your sprints.

JN: You must be outside your mind, joe.

Joakim Noah begins dancing.


RA: Stop dancing.

JN: Aight.

Joakim Noah begins rapping

"N.Y. Do or die. Hell's Kitchen. Know what I'm saying? Twenty blocks away from the Garden. That's how we do you. A lot of people over here pulling for the kid. Know what I'm saying? That's how we do. Hell's Kitchen, 51st Street and 10th Avenue. My block was here tonight. Coach, you don't understand, I have a reputation out here. Put me down, even if it's two minutes. Know what I mean? Just let me shine in the Garden lights."

Ben Wallace: TURN DOWN THAT RAPPING MUSIC!!!

JN: Aight. Bad Boy, baby.

Joakim Noah begins singing.


Adrian Griffin: My lord! That kind of conduct is quite unbecoming of a man of our principle. This youngster must suffer the consequences of his acts!

Jim Boylan: Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Can I suspend him for a game?

BW: One measly game?! Make it two, dagnabbit! That raps music ain't no good. All loud and mumbly.

JB: Sure thing. Please don't kill me.

SAVE THE SONICS

Seriously, without the Sonics, where will Seattle get their warm, fleece blankets???

I don't know why, but I can't stop looking for terrible videos. It's an addiction.

Scottie Pippen Will Endorse Anything

What? You don't remember when he played for the Pippens?

Happy Boxing Day

Here's a post-Christmas treat. Thank me later.

6 Guys from Back In the Day That Cracked Me Up When I Was Young

I don't think anyone ever liked Xavier McDaniel but his name is hilarious.

When this is the best picture that turns up for a Jack Haley search it's not a good sign.

Still not as ugly as his free-throws.

Sideways flat-top? Yes, please.



SASQUATCH

Manute Bol - human?