The Fable of Ben Wallace

In the Bible, there's the story of Samson and Delilah. Given his luscious locks, Samson is told he'll have unfathomable strength as long as he never cuts his hair. However, enticed by Delilah, his hair does get cut and he loses all his strength. Whoops.

However, I don't think the Bible mentions that before his haircut, Samson's productivity would drastically decrease to the point where he's considered one of the worst free agent signings in history. Or that he had an entire metropolitan fan base upset that he was a part of their team. And it's probably glossed over, but I'm pretty sure that Samson never had his hair in cornrows.

Oh, and Samson could shoot freethrows.

The Ongoing Saga of Joakim Noah and Ben Wallace

Setting: the Chicago Bulls locker room after their most recent loss to the Orlando Magic.

Joakim Noah: Run dat beat, V.

Viktor Kryhapa plays instrumental to “Things Done Changed.”

Uh. Uh. I like this. Jo-No, baby. I’m a murda this man.

Joakim Noah begins rapping

Big Ben Wallace

Pig pen wallets

Dude washed up

Career done, I call it

Ben Wallace: IS THAT THAT RAPPING MUSIC TRASH AGAIN?

JN: continues rapping:

Spit hot fire

Like Omar from the Wire

Ol' Ben Wallace

Got Scott Skiles fired

BW: Dadgummit! I say turn down that noise pollution! Waaaiiiittt….what’d he say?

JN: continues rapping, now in Ben Wallace’s face

Yeah I said it

Had to be said

All up in your dome

Like that band on your head

Tyrus Thomas: OH SNAP!

BW: Youngin’ just plucked the wrong rooster.

JN: Ha ha! It’s ya boy!

BW: shoves Joakim Noah

You better watch your mouth, young man. Have some respect.

Luol Deng: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please. There must be some sort of agreement that we can reach, with regards to the hip-hop and/or rap music.

JN: Your hair is stupid.

BW: Your hair is stupid.

JN: Ain’t what yo momma said LAST NIGHT!

TT: OH SNAP!

Adrian Griffin: …..kids.