And here are my submissions.
September 30, 2008
And here are my submissions.
September 29, 2008
Fortunately for us bloggers, Getty photographer Bill Baptist holds some kind of grudge against the New Orleans Hornets. Maybe he's a big Deron Williams fan. Maybe he used to live in Charlotte and can't stand the sight of the Fleur-De-Bee. Maybe he doesn't like the new uniforms just as much as I don't. Whatever it is, the pictures that the Hornets had taken are amazing.
The following vignette showcases what must be Baptist's signature pose -- the Basketball Shoulders. Surely these are some of the most ridiculous images to be captured on film. The Blowtorch salutes you, Bill Baptist. Well done.
September 26, 2008
September 25, 2008
First things first, I MUST have that new blazer from Louis. Oh, that blazer is to die for. I saw Kanye wearing it and knew I HAD to get it. That Kanye, so fierce!
Well, now that I've got my GORGEOUS blazer, I guess I'll need to pair it with some trousers. I haven't seen ANY good trousers lately. UGH, this selection is dismal. I better head to Gucci. They're trousers look AMAZING on me.
(places Louis Vuitton blazer on back of Vespa)
Oh my word! I've never seen so many interesting pants! I need these in my life. All of these. Give me EVERY pair! Every one! Loves it!
OK. Blazer? Check. Pants? Check, check, check! What a great pants find. My goodness. Still need shirts, ties, and shoes though. I've got to look SPECTACULAR this season. To Burberry!
(places three pairs of pants on back of Vespa)
Burberry, you never disappoint me. Never. Looks like Montigallo is going to be spending a little bit of money here today! I'll take the gingham, tartan, light stripe, heavy stripe, grey banker, and that beautiful little King George plaid. Those are AMAZING. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. Baron is going to be sorry he left.
AND HOW CAN I PASS UP THIS CROPPED TRENCH? Too hott!
(places 6 shirts and trenchcoat on back of Vespa and leaves for Prada, the Vespa wobbles)
Last but certainly not least, SHOES! Monta loves him some shoes. I've seen those new Prada driving mocs and they are out of this world. If they have my size, I'm getting them in every color. It's so good to have money!
Lemme see. Dark chocolate, camel, BLUE SUEDE!, these are FANTASTIC. And those light brown Chelsea boots? Yes, please! Oh, Monta, you're going to look phenomenal.
(places 4 pairs of shoes on back of Vespa, the Vespa sways back and forth as Monta leaves for home)
SINCE WHEN IS THERE A PINKBERRY HERE? LOVES IT, LOVES IT, LOVES IT!!!!!
(Monta purchases a large Pinkberry frozen yogurt and hops on his off-balance Vespa)
This yogurt is SO GOOD. I cannot believe this was made by humans. AMAZING.
(the Vespa swerves back and forth while Monta eats his yogurt)
Whew, Monta. Gotta take it slooooow and enjoy this yogurt. I could die now and be happy. Pinkberry, I love you.
(as the Vespa slows, it finally loses balance destroying Monta's ankle while his Pinkberry ruins the majority of his new clothing)
Oh, no. MY PINKBERRY!
September 24, 2008
From left to right:
- Jersey basketballs rank near jersey t-shirts on the level of horrible NBA branded merchandise.
- Is this the first time Bo Outlaw has ever smiled?
- The starry Magic jerseys of yore are among the worst jerseys in the past 10 years. Also included are the yellow, pin-striped Pacers jerseys, the pin-striped Rockets jerseys, the red Nets alternates, the gold Kings alternates, the silver Mavericks alternates, and the wide-shouldered black Bulls alternates.
- The new Magic jerseys are pretty nice. While I'm not a fan of that color of blue (too blase), it's a solid colorway. The only real problem I have with the jersey is that the pin-stripes fan out near the top. That's pointless.
- Rashard Lewis has the clap.
- WE FOUND NICK ANDERSON! HE'S BEEN AT MONGOLIAN BARBEQUE THIS WHOLE TIME!
- Seriously, who switched Nick Anderson with Chuck Person?
- The black, pin-striped Magic jerseys are the best they've ever had. It's a known fact that I am in the bag for Penny's shoes, but those jerseys are great too.
September 23, 2008
As Gil and Laura walked throughout the park, Gil made sure to keep the ring hidden. He'd keep his hand in his pocket or try to keep Laura on the opposide side of the ring box. Thankfully, a chill was in the air, so this wasn't a particularly unusual behavior.
When Gil and Laura finally made their way to Lover's Leap, Gil knew it was time. Surprisingly, most of the other patrons passed by, leaving Gil and Laura alone on a bench. While Gil and Laura sat side-by-side, Gil dropped to a knee, opened his ring box, and said, "Laura, I love you, will you marry me?"
"SHUT UP!" Laura replied, "Are you serious?"
"Uhhh...yeah. This is your ring," Gil stammered.
"Well, DUH I'll marry you!" Laura exclaimed.
Laura and Gil then kissed. Though it wasn't the smoothest transaction, Gil knew that Laura was exactly what he wanted, someone just as silly as him.
September 22, 2008
Hi, guys. As you probably already know, I've been acquired by the Spurs. I just wanted to take my time to introduce myself to the people of San Antonio and my teammates.
The first thing I want to say is, I'm open. All the time. I'm open right now, in fact. Even though sometimes it might look like I'm guarded, trust me -- I'm open.
I don't know how it always happens, but for whatever reason, I'm always open. I wake up in the morning -- open. I get up in the middle of the night to pee -- open. I'm driving down the block with my Low End Theory tape in -- open. So basically, just get me the rock.
This brings me to my second point. My shooting range is unfathomable. Whenever I touch the ball, the shot is something I'm comfortable with. For instance, one time at Atlanta last year, I was on the bench, but we were shooting at the other basket. A ball got tipped out of bounds and I caught it. Even though I was on the bench, on the other side of the floor, I could have hit that shot. Of course, I was open.
Remember those shirts in the Eastbay catalogs from like 10 years ago? The ones that said something like "my range starts when I enter the gym" or something like that? I bought every single one of those shirts in both colors. You know why? Because it's true. Kind of. My range starts when I see a basketball hoop anywhere. That's my shot. No worries.
In closing, I'd like to thank the people of San Antonio for welcoming me to your fine state. I'd also like to remind you that I'm open.
September 19, 2008
September 18, 2008
Former NBA basketball player whose Google Image searches return a surprising number of Michael Jordan pictures. Suck it Jazz fans.
Former child actor who has gone on to a successful directing career where he specializes in schlocky Oscar grabs mixed with neutered action films. Occasionally dabbling in ineffective child films, Ron Howard has grown a terrible beard.
September 17, 2008
From Skeets, a chest of drawers!
From Matt, bowling shoes!
From me, Before You Do: Making Great Decisions That You Won't Regret by TD Jakes!
From Maj, spray on hair!
Go ahead and put your ideas in the comments. It's a celebration y'all!
September 16, 2008
- Nothing important has happened regarding basketball since the gold medal game. The biggest "story" since then has been that Shaq's going to retire in 2 years. Can somebody get Ben Gordon to do something rash and hilarious?
- My favorite college football team, the Michigan Wolverines, is terrible. On the plus side, at least they're really funny to watch.
- My favorite professional football team, the Chicago Bears, are a house of cards. They're relying on an aging defense, rookie running back, and Kyle Orton. This can't end well.
- There hasn't been a decent rap release since Murs and 9th Wonder released their tape. And outside of "Nina Ross," that wasn't great by any means.
- The recent rap singles that have been leaked ("Swagger Like Us," "Love Lockdown," "Jockin' Jay-Z") have been interesting until you actually hear them. Then you listen to it and nothing.
- I can't remember the last time a rock release has been that interesting. Not since I got Dodos from Weiss has anything of recent vintage stayed playing.
All this makes for a fairly lackluster month. BUT, the NBA starts in October. That's not so bad.
September 15, 2008
September 12, 2008
September 11, 2008
LeBron was on Letterman last night. So was Barack Obama. Ergo, LeBron got bumped and only was on air for about six minutes. Tough break.
September 10, 2008
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a gay tarantella
When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love
When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not
Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli
September 9, 2008
- It stars Jalen Rose, John Starks, and Brevin Knight.
- Starks and Knight have their voices altered as if they had inhaled helium. That's Jalen's real voice.
- The guys seem to be playing a game of 2 on 3 in the abandoned building where Jim Carrey meets Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty.
- The main selling point for the shoe that's being advertised is that it has helium in it.
- Besides the fact that the main selling point of the shoe is that they have helium in them, the shoes are atrocious.
- For whatever reason, Brevin Knight has his shirt off in his close-up. He also looks like Pusha-T.
- Seriously, helium shoes.
September 8, 2008
Oh yeah, me and Deron go way back. I remember that time when he that weird tiny Afro in college. That was so funny. Deron's just like that, always cutting up.
Like his beard now! Have you seen that thing? It's hilarious. Deron and I are always talking about how great beards are and then he goes and grows one. In China, no less! That's Deron for you. Always growing beards in China.
We talk about all kinds of stuff. I wore purple uniforms in high school, so I know exactly what he's going through out there in Utah. Believe me, when he first went to the Jazz he was freaking out about the purple uniforms. I had to talk him down quite a bit. At one point, he considered demanding a trade to the Bobcats because he loves orange so much. I wasn't too surprised; orange is my favorite color too.
It's been a while since we've been able to hang out, him being in Utah and all. That's why we Twitter with each other. Most of his tweets are pretty boring, but he's pretty busy. He was just telling me the other day about how much Carlos Boozer loves Greek food. Feta cheese, gyros, spanakopida; all that stuff. Deron told me that you DO NOT want to be around Boozer after he's had a few gyros. It's gross enough that the cucumber sauce gets caught in his chest hair, but his gas afterwards is otherworldly.
I'm just so happy for him. He's got his big contract, and a gold medal, and his Chinese beard. It's weird. I've had a few beards, and I have a job, and I bought a necklace a couple weeks ago. After all these years, Deron Williams and I are still going down the exact same path.
September 5, 2008
Darrell Arthur: solemnly Hello.
Zach Randolph: Yo, this Darrell Arthur?
ZR: The Darrell Arthur from Kansas?
ZR: The Darrell Arthur who now plays for the Memphis Grizzlies?
ZR: In Memphis?
ZR: For the Grizzlies?
ZR: The Darrell Arthur who got busted with the Terrific Twosome at the Rookie thing?
DA: What's the terrific twosome?
ZR: Weed and women, ya big dummy. Oh, and it's capitalized.
ZR: So are is it true?
DA: Unfortunately, yes.
ZR: Perfect. I'm coming to Memphis.
September 4, 2008
September 3, 2008
Mike D’Antoni: Alright, Knicks. Get over here. Lemme see what we got.
Ah, Quentin Richardson. Q, my man.
Quentin Richardson: What up, Coach.
MD: Q? What happened? You look enormous.
Richardson pounds head
MD: You’re still doing that? You haven’t played with what’s-his-name since 2002.
Richardson pounds head
MD: Okaaaaaay. Well…Mardy Collins…Jerome James…Jared Jeffries…Anthony Roberson…Fred Jones…this can’t be real. This is made up, right?
Stephon Marbury: Nah man that’s our roster we ballin’ this yeah Stephy aka Starburst aka Starbeezy aka Caramel Mochalotta runnin’ things droppin’ things shootin’ things the usual...
MD: Please be quiet.
SM: …I figger I’ll prolly get 40-50 a night plus like 19 or 20 steals and at least 2 assists that’s good for 70ish wins there I think we’re lookin’ at beatin’ the Bulls record but it’s too early to tell…
MD: Patrick, uh…Patrick Ewing?
Patrick Ewing, Jr.: Junior. Play me or I’ll tell my dad. He could beat you up.
SM: …I been workin’ on some things like a behind-the-back layup I call the Coney Island Cyclone it’s a nod to my homeboys they gonna love it plus I’m gettin’ some ink done this weekend picture a the Pringles guy for you coach just so you know we tight…
MD: Might as well get started. I want Duhon, Crawford, Chandler, Curry, and Randolph on the floor. You’ll be our starting five.
Jamal Crawford, Eddy Curry, and Wilson Chandler take the court. Crawford immediately begins shooting.
MD: Where’s Chris?
Wilson Chandler: Drankin’.
MD: And you are?
WC: Wilson Chandler.
MD: WILSON Chandler? Not Tyson. Of course. Where’s Zach?
WC: With Chris.
MD: Great….Lee and Danilo, out here.
David Lee and Danilo Gallinari step on the court. Gallinari bends low to the floor to check his hair in the reflection. Lee begins rebounding Crawford’s misses.
Danilo Gallinari: Ciao allenatore. Papà dice ciao e grazie per la raccolta di me. Come funziona guardare i miei capelli?
MD: Your hair looks fine, Danilo. It always does.
MD: Close enough. You’re welcome.
SM: …and like I just wanna still be the best point guard in the league which I am but I don’t wanna give up the throne look at what I’ve done played for Phoenix then they were great I made KG win that title and Bassy’s been killin’ at the Rucker all because of Steph so why I ain’t averagin’ like 30 shots a night is crazy holla.
Nate Robinson knocks out Stephon Marbury with a single punch
September 2, 2008