Field Guide: Know Your Howards

I heard somewhere that Gil is the most popular name on Earth. And while this is obviously true, the second most popular name must be Howard. Therefore, in the interest of keeping your stories straight, here is a some notable Howards.

JUWAN HOWARD

Former University of Michigan standout who has been a huge to moderate disappointment, given his college exploits. Staunch supporter of the goatee; a fact that has soured fans across the globe.

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DWIGHT HOWARD

Jesus loving basketball player who stands 10'8" tall.

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JOSH HOWARD

Dallas Mavericks forward who, through undeniable blackness, does not support "The Star-Spangled Banner." Among the things that find his favor despite his blackness: orthodontia, headbands, franks n' beans, ninjitsu, and Teddy Ruxpin.

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HOWARD THE DUCK

A duck named Howard who wears plaid shirts and suspenders when seducing 80s babes.

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HOWARD EISLEY

Former NBA basketball player whose Google Image searches return a surprising number of Michael Jordan pictures. Suck it Jazz fans.

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DESMOND HOWARD

University of Michigan legend/childhood hero of goathair.

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HOWARD STERN

All-around creep who has enjoyed great success despite notable lack of talent. America.

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RON HOWARD

Former child actor who has gone on to a successful directing career where he specializes in schlocky Oscar grabs mixed with neutered action films. Occasionally dabbling in ineffective child films, Ron Howard has grown a terrible beard.

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CLINT HOWARD

Much to Ron Howard's delight, his brother Clint has become a successful character actor. Ergo, Ron is not the scariest looking Howard in show business.

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HOWARD DEAN

Former Democratic Presidential candidate who surprised many by embarrassing himself on the way to squandering a commanding lead during the 2004 nomination process. Loves cows.