1000 Words: David Stern Through the Years

The New Hotness

My fascination with the incoming rookie class is quite obvious (BUY THE SHIRT). But this being the most hyped draft class ever justifies that in my mind. Ergo, El Blowtorch's onslaught of first year delights continues. Let's examine some of the more awesome pictures from this year's rookie photo shoot.














You can tell the guys that have no chance of winning the Rookie of the Year easily. They don't even get numbers for the photo shoot.













Somewhere, Lee Humphrey cries himself to sleep clutching his Rick Mount shooting tapes.



















Grandpa's unfortunate flatulence was a source of much embarrassment to the children he helped raise.



















Gay marriage: now legal in both Memphis and Portland.




















Were this 1994 and that basketball a boombox, Alando Tucker would still be horribly outdated.



















Spencer Hawes, perfecting his waiting technique that will come in handy in a couple of years.



















These two Clippers are named Al and Jared, but I bet you wouldn't be able to guess which is which.



















What is happening here?




















Clearly the grey backdrop drives the rookies CRAZY.



















The photographer quickly learned never to interrupt Javaris Crittenton's bathroom breaks again.



















Aaron Brooks is frighteningly frog-like.


















I predict you shoot 28% from the field.



















I have no idea what the thought process behind this photo was. None of these guys played together. Nor were they all the same class in school. Nor did they all face each other in the championship. Nor did they end up on the same team. I'd imagine the photographer just needed Conley and McRoberts to fill out the shot, but your guess is as good as mine.



















Won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?




















Carl Landry -- most likely to not win Rookie of the Year

Petteri Koponen is a Playboy. Literally.

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Petteri Koponen

Strengths: ballin ball passer, shoots 3 bombs, contagious grin, played for a team called the Playboys
Weaknesses: youngski, turnover prone, won't play in the US for like 2 years

NBA Comparison (best-case): Drazen Petrovic

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Steve Blake

NBA Comparison (most likely): Kirk Hinrich

Alando Tucker is a Phoenix Sun(s?)

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Alando Tucker

Strengths: fast at running, has 3 point range, loves dunking and/or getting fouled, went to University of Wisconsin - which some people think is a strength

Weaknesses: not a great first step, average defender, tweener

NBA Comparison (best-case): Luol Deng

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Sasha Pavlovic

NBA Comparison (most likely): Trenton Hassell

(tee-A-go SPLIT-er)

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Tiago SplitterStrengths: athletic big man, smoove in da post, fantastical passer, amazing name

Weaknesses: doesn't score a ton, not a wonderful defender, probably injury prone

NBA Comparison (best-case): Brad Miller
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Jeff Foster
NBA Comparison (most likely): P.J. Brown

Arron Afflalo's mom must have been terrible at spelling

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Arron Afflalo

Strengths: good midrange game, able to contribute right away, strong defender
Weaknesses: not very athletic, won't be a big scorer, name is spelled way crazy

NBA Comparison (best-case): Shane Battier
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Keith Bogans
NBA Comparison (most likely): Raja Bell

For real, Aaron Brooks was a first round pick

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Aaron Brooks

Strengths: quick as spit, scores in bunches, killer in the open court, wears #0

Weaknesses: tiny, no left hand, creepy eyes

NBA Comparison (best-case): Earl Boykins

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Jason Gardener

NBA Comparison (most likely): Tony Delk

Morris Almond aka Mo-Nuts

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Morris Almond

Strengths: serious 3-point range, explosivo!, crazy good scorer, Mo-Nuts is the best nickname ever
Weaknesses: weak handles, below average defensively, occasionally turnover prone

NBA Comparison (best-case): Ray Allen
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Adam Morrison
NBA Comparison (most likely): Michael Redd

Rudy Hernandez, stealer of hearts

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Rudy Fernandez

Strengths: good range on his shot, talented scorer, scruffy facial hair

Weaknesses: defense does not interest him, occasionally turnover prone, will steal wives from numerous Portland men since he's Spanish

NBA Comparison (best-case): Manu Ginobili

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Sasha Vujacic

NBA Comparison (most likely): Kevin Martin

Ms. Wilson Chanandaler Bong

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Wilson Chandler

Strengths: mad hops, wicked athletic, loves dunking

Weaknesses: inconsistent, spotty jumper, tweener

NBA Comparison (best-case): Shawn Marion

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Joey Graham

NBA Comparison (most likely): Mickael Pietrus

Jared Dudley is not the guy from the Subway ads

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Jared Dudley

Strengths: exquisite passer, can contribute right away, high basketball IQ
Weaknesses: not very athletic, sketchy jumper, sometimes stuggles playing defense



NBA Comparison (best-case): Ryan Gomes
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Pat Garrity
NBA Comparison (most likely): Adrian Griffin

Daeiouandsometimesyquan Cook

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Daequan Cook

Strengths: good range on his jumper, scores well, decent rebounder for a guard

Weaknesses: turnover prone, inconsistent, small for a 2

NBA Comparison (best-case): Michael Finley

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Robert Pack
NBA Comparison (most likely): Larry Hughes

Jason Smith is a very plain fellow

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Jason Smith

Strengths: good shooter for a big man, mobile, decent rebounder

Weaknesses: T-Rex arms, bit of a sissy, weak sauce

NBA Comparison (best-case): Andrea Bargnani

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Maciej Lampe

NBA Comparison (most likely): Brian Cook

I would imagine there is only one Javaris Crittenton in the world

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Javaris Crittenton

Strengths: huge for a point guard, crazy athletic, good scorer
Weaknesses: raw as sushi, not to great at being a point guard yet


NBA Comparison (best-case): Steve Francis
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Rick Brunson
NBA Comparison (most likely): Keyon Dooling

It's fun to say Marco Belinelli

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Marco Belinelli

Strengths: great scorer, great shooter, hilarious last name
Weaknesses: pretty terrible defensively, just an ok passer, easily confused when playing "Marco Polo"

NBA Comparison (best-case): Ray Allen
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Boston Nachobar
NBA Comparison (most likely): Mike Miller

Sean Williams may be high right now

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Sean Williams

Strengths: fantastic shot blocker, great rebounder, muy athletico

Weaknesses: LOVES weed, hates law enforcement, not too great at offense

NBA Comparison (best-case): Kenyon Martin

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Tony Battie

NBA Comparison (most likely): Theo Ratliff

Nick Young Is NOT Thaddeus Young's Brother

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Nick Young

Strengths: great scorer, decent rebounder, good range, tough as nails
Weaknesses: questionable focus, not a huge fan of defense


NBA Comparison (best-case): Rip Hamilton
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Ron Mercer
NBA Comparison (most likely): Jamal Crawford

Rodney Stuckey appears to be very sleepy

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Rodney Stuckey

Strengths: enjoys scoring baskets, quick first step, strong like bull
Weaknesses: tweener, not a great handle, name sound kind of gay


NBA Comparison (best-case): Dwyane Wade
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Dajuan Wagner
NBA Comparison (most likely): Randy Foye

Al Thornton is way old

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Al Thornton

Strengths: scoring machine, will contribute immediately, looks really tough
Weaknesses: not a great rebounder, only provides offense, is older than me even though I graduated 2 years before him



NBA Comparison (best-case): Corey Maggette
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Trevor Ariza
NBA Comparison (most likely): Al Harrington

Julian Wright looks strangely like Tim Thomas

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Julian Wright

Strengths: good with the ball, insistence on wearing Kerry Kittles' tall socks, from Chicago
Weaknesses: not too great at shooting a basketball, silly smile, should have went pro out of HS

NBA Comparison (best-case): Magic Johnson
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Luke Jackson
NBA Comparison (most likely): Boris Diaw