August 31, 2009

Breaking News: Knicks Trade for Ricky Rubio


When scouts said he was small, I didn't know they meant THAT small.

August 28, 2009

Deep Thoughts with "Smiling" Sean Marks

I am so happy to have escaped the beautiful city of Toronto for the sweltering heat of Miami. For this, I happily dunk.I am quite obviously insane, yet still employed by an NBA team. Though clearly psychotic, I have a championship ring. For this, I giddily dunk. I have grown my hair out to appear more Nowitzki-ish. It looks pretty flowing. For this, I cheerfully dunk.
I am fortunate to play with the previous best point guard in basketball, and now the current best point guard in basketball. They get me easy shots. For instance, this dunk, which I will joyously perform.I have somehow eluded the giant Yao Ming. My sneaky Kiwi ways have come in handy yet again. For this, I will ecstatically dunk.
Because he appreciates my blonde locks, my hairsake Dirk Nowitzki has allowed me the chance for yet another two-handed dunk. For this, I gladly dunk. Fine. I'll dunk again. This time jovially.

August 27, 2009

Mehmet Okur is Becoming LeBron James

I was just going through the vast archives of random NBA pictures that I have on my 4GB Data Traveler thumb drive. These pictures have been culled from various sources, and they serve as backup whenever I'm trying to find new memes. Memes are currency in the blogsospheres, so it's good to have some in savings. It's also wise to invest your memes in some low-risk, high return MRAs (meme retirement accounts) so that when you're done searching for memes, you still have some left over. This is all pretty complicated stuff I learned in macromemonomics, but you get the point.

ANYHOW, I was searching through my meme portfolio when I found these two pictures:

Did you notice how obvious it is that Mehmet Okur is aping LeBron's style? Here is a side-by-side comparison to elucidate the similarities:

I've connected the things that are the same with an easy-to-read color coded set of boxes and lines. Check it out.
  • Same Louis Vuitton bag.
  • Same creepy line beard.
  • Both have electronics on their person.
  • Both walking.

Pretty obvious now, isn't it? Mehmet Okur is definitely pulling a Single White Female, a documentary about people trying to be like other people. The only difference is these two people are males. And also neither is a white person (technically). But otherwise, it's the same because he's trying to look EXACTLY like him. We all know how that turned out (someone died).

I don't want to wake up some morning and read that Mehmet Okur stabbed Steven Weber with a spiked heel. Someone keep an eye on this situation.

August 26, 2009

Caron Butler, I'm Just Like You

We both wear hats. Of course.

Hey, Caron Butler, I get it. The whole "giving up pop because someone wants you to" thing. It's not very much fun is it? I mean, yeah, you sleep better. And you don't get that raw feeling in your mouth from drinking too much. But it's still definitely not the best.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting something out of it. If I don't drink pop (or eat junk food) from now until September 9th, my wife is going to buy me The Beatles: Rock Band. I'm guessing you have the same sort of deal with the Wizards, only you'll probably get several thousand dollars in a bonus. Same thing, basically.

Since I heard the news, I've been thinking a lot about how we're very similar, and it's not just the pop thing. For instance, I bet kids called you "Carry-On" because it sounded like your name. That's exactly like when I used to get called "Gay Trey." Rhyming is universal. And remember how you chew on straws (of course you do -- you're you)? I used to do that too.

Oh, and of course, there's the main similarity between our vocations. You play basketball nine months out of the year and make millions of dollars. I make less than a tenth of that sitting at a desk day in and day out. See the similarity? We're both employed in this economy. It's amazing how much the same we are.

So next time you're in Chicago to play the Bulls, give me a call. We can do something that bros like us like to do. Maybe we can go buy some things that are super expensive, or go watch the new Quentin Tarantino movie (you like him, too? I knew it!). You know, stuff for us kinda guys. We'll think of something, I'm sure. Just no pop.

August 25, 2009

LeBron, Kobe, and the Battle of Asia

Kinda worried about Asia, guys. Follow this chain of events:

First, Kobe Bryant forces the Lakers to sign Sun Yue as an olive branch of sorts to the Chinese. However, because it's Kobe, there's more to the signing. He knows that adding a Chinese player to the roster increases his visability in China. Following the signing, Kobe makes Sun Yue sit next to him on every airplane and bus ride they take, even though he doesn't speak a word of Chinese.

Then, LeBron James convinces Nike to run in ad campaign in China, depicting him as the rightful heir to the throne formerly inhabited by the Bearded Man and Young Girl. As all Chinese know, these two former rulers were ousted by the Angry Man who has tyrannically ruled over China for centuries. Not until LeBron have the Chinese had a worthy adversary to Angry Man.

Then, Kobe takes a tour of Asia where he promotes his super light shoe. At every turn he derides LeBron's shoe for being too clunky. The Chinese take a liking to Kobe's shoes, mostly because they look better with high-end denim. Also, they're not that upset with Angry Man, he's just misunderstood.

Angered that Kobe has usurped his throne as reigning shoe maven in China, LeBron installs a massive video screen in his house that allows him to interact with the Chinese in real time. The video screen is wired in to China's closed circuit television mainframe, which gives LeBron the ability to interrupt any program with very important news. As you can see, the Chinese are delighted.

Finally, Kobe commissions the construction of a large, friendly looking robot which has been embraced by the Chinese. Unbeknownst to them, however, the robot is programmed so that if LeBron ever interrupts a Kobe commeercial or program it will systematically destroy whichever metropolis it is near. Savvy as he is, Kobe informed LeBron of this robot's capabilities and programming, leaving the onus on LeBron to not invoke it's wrath, in essence limiting LeBron's television control.

As you can see, LeBron and Kobe are at a standstill in the Asian markets. This perilous truce could eventually lead to out and out destruction and sure retaliation. I encourage you to write your local councilman protesting the arms race in Asia and the Pacific Islands. It is only a matter of time before these two rivals incite a third World War.

August 24, 2009

LeBron James Listens to "I Gotta Feeling"

So yeah, like, I'm really looking forward to playing with Shaq. And to next summer.

I gotta feeling...
Y'all hear that?

That tonight's gonna be a good night...
Tonight's gonna be a good good night...

Aww yeah. This that Black Eyed Peas song, right?

I got my money
Let's spend it up


create avatar

August 21, 2009

The Dangers of International Competition

Right now, there is a large international basketball competition taking place in locales around the world. It's called the Large International Basketball Competition and it features players from all around the globe, even some from the NBA. However, many owners don't like their players playing in the competition that they are playing in as players. Their fears are justified.

Not only could one of their investments be injured, they could also be hurt. Furthermore, they could also unwittingly unveil some new moves, thereby rendering them obsolete. Or they could be abducted, tied up in ropes, and placed on train tracks by robber barons. Also, they could be hurt.

But these are just minor dangers. The three situations that follow are all too common in international basketball. As such, they cause night sweats, buggymares, and general queasiness amongst NBA executives.

Physical Assault
Yes, an injury is distressing enough, but in international basketball, players are often punched while driving to the basket. Due to some European bylaws, this tactic has been permitted since the conception of FIBA (it is called the "Russian Handcheck" for obvious reasons). As of late, most European countries have abandoned this technique, but their Asian counterparts have mastered it. The coupling of basketball and martial arts has proven deadly for nearly 600 players since 1985.

A players contract is predicated on the assumption that their skills are irreplaceable. But cloning laws abroad are lax, and the process has not yet been perfected. Not only does this make a player less valuable, it also downgrades the talent in the NBA. It is a closely guarded secret that the Allen Iverson who returned after the Athens Olympics was not the actual Iverson, but rather a laboratory creation dubbed Alan Iverson.

Poor Nutrition

Due to the economic crisis, players are often forced to eat their winnings to stay alive.


Because not every team wins medals, and even those aren't terribly filling, overseas competition is overrun with players eating other players. As seen in the picture above, the Grizzlies' Hamed Haddadi is desperately eyeing the Nets' Yi Jianlian for a post-game meal. Unfortunately for Nets fans, FIBA officials were able to save Yi from his certain death.

August 20, 2009

A Milwaukee Bucks Fan Attends the Gathering of the Juggalos

WASSUP FELLOW JUGGALOS!!! Good to see you guys again this year. Missed you guys. No one back home "gets me." It's good to be among friends. Love the face paint Theresa. Very authentic.

How about those Bucks?! They have been making all kinds of moves. It's going to be an exciting team, right?

Anways, Bogut's back. We got Jennings in the draft, which seems pretty cool. Sucks to lose RJ, but he was such a pretty boy, so I'm not too sad. And Michael Redd, dude. You know I love me some Michael Redd. Totally worth the contract, right?


Doesn't anyone want to talk Bucks basketball?

No one?

You want to do what?

With an animal?

A DEAD animal?

I didn't know it was that kind of gathering. That's pretty gross, dude.

Whatever. If you need me, I'll be in the woods, setting off M-80s. Let's rage, I guess. Rage away.

August 19, 2009

Dwight Howard Visits Sterling Cooper

(There is a knock on a door. Dwight Howard enters Don Draper's office.)

What?Yo, man, I'm Dwight. I came down here to just show y'all how to connect with young people. It's dark in here, man, mind if I turn on the lights?What do you need, Dwight?I don't need much, man. I just want to dance and smile. Give me a smile.Man, that ain't no smile. Stand up like Dwight and get a real smile going. Close enough, bro. Now we smilin'.

(There is a knock at the door. Pete Campbell enters the office.)
Don, we need to talk. Who is this?I'm Dwight, man.And what are you doing here?Just came down to hang out and dance.Very funny.
Come on, man. Dance for Dwight.
(There is a knock at the door. Sal Romano leans in the office.)

Ooooh, are we dancing?

August 18, 2009

Punchline Challenge: Chase Budinger

How many punchlines are there for this picture of Houston Rockets rookie Chase Budinger? Let's see:

  • "Ladies, can I buy you a blouse?"
  • He loves college.
  • Hairy Bird.
  • Check back next summer to see Chase's skin match his uniform.
  • Good to see Jake Busey is still getting work.
  • "Whoops!" -- Darryl Morey
  • "Hey, let's take the creepiest rookie picture since Julian Wright." -- photographer
    "Cool." -- Chase Budinger
  • Man, Spencer Pratt is EVERYWHERE.
  • This is a Rorschach test. Do you or do you not see a redhead?
  • Oh, so that's why he got his face stepped on.
  • Apprarently, Chase Budinger chose basketball over volleyball because he gets to play indoors.
  • Bro.
  • This is a screenshot from my favorite scene in Bedazzled.

August 17, 2009

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects: Things Learned in Colorado

Thanks to a well placed source in Denver (really) and confirmed by this article, Chris Andersen is not shaving until his wedding next June. Here is a dramatization of his beard growth:

birdman calendar

"I'm the grizzly bird."

You guys are all jerks for not calling me. As such, I've added the widget on the left, so call me, jerks.


I visited the inspiration for the most important song of 2009:

I'm here.

My real life Internet music writer friend recommended an album that my real life Internet basketball writer friend had previously recommended, thus proving that there is more than one Steely Dan fan on Earth.

This song too:


Future projects to come after I finish this stupid book:
  • A second book
  • A comedy mixtape


August 7, 2009

Out of Office

I'm going to be in Colorado (the state) for the next week. It's pretty likely that there is going to be nothing happening around this place, friends. Who knows? Maybe I will blog, maybe I will Tumbl, maybe I will write you all letters (I will not write you all letters). Nonetheless, here are some ways to stay entertained in my absence.

  • Passion of the Weiss's 50 Greatest Rap Albums of the 2000s. I wrote Food & Liquor, Lord Willin', The Renaissance, and Stankonia. There's a lot of good rap writing there.
  • The Phenomenal Swag archive. Tons of completely pointless basketball products, several jokes.
  • Call me at 708-303-TREY (8739). Leave me a message. It just might be used in a future Blowtorch post or podcast. Clicking this thing below will somehow connect you to the Blowtorch hotline, through magic.

August 6, 2009

Hands On at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hey campers. It's week six here at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, hosted by Phil Jackson. We've already gone over a lot of the basics such as dramatic acting, really dramatic acting, and comedic acting. Today we've got a special treat. Towards the end here, I like to bring in one of my prized pupils to show you some acting games that will help you master improvization. Boys and girls, please give a warm welcome to the newest member of the New Orleans Hornets, Emeka Okafor!

First, we'll play a game called "mimic." In this game, which I made up, Emeka is going to do exactly what I do. Watch closely and you'll see how we each change our face just enough to look exactly like the other person, like we're mimicing them. That's where the name comes from. I'll begin.

Perfect. Next.

No. Again.
No. Again.
Better. One more.
Can't you do another face? Let's try another game.

In this exercise, I call out an emotion, and Emeka will perform that emotion. I invented this game too, and it's called "Emotions." Hopefully, it goes a little better than the last one.

Okay, happy.

Good. Angry!

Perfect! Sexy!

Yes! Constipated!EXCELLENT! Unconstipated!

Did you see that kids?! Emeka nailed every emotion I could think of, and he did it smoothly and with ease. Now, get with your partners, and give these games a try. We'll pick it up together in half an hour.