August 31, 2009
August 28, 2009
August 27, 2009
Did you notice how obvious it is that Mehmet Okur is aping LeBron's style? Here is a side-by-side comparison to elucidate the similarities:
I've connected the things that are the same with an easy-to-read color coded set of boxes and lines. Check it out.
- Same Louis Vuitton bag.
- Same creepy line beard.
- Both have electronics on their person.
- Both walking.
Pretty obvious now, isn't it? Mehmet Okur is definitely pulling a Single White Female, a documentary about people trying to be like other people. The only difference is these two people are males. And also neither is a white person (technically). But otherwise, it's the same because he's trying to look EXACTLY like him. We all know how that turned out (someone died).
I don't want to wake up some morning and read that Mehmet Okur stabbed Steven Weber with a spiked heel. Someone keep an eye on this situation.
August 26, 2009
Hey, Caron Butler, I get it. The whole "giving up pop because someone wants you to" thing. It's not very much fun is it? I mean, yeah, you sleep better. And you don't get that raw feeling in your mouth from drinking too much. But it's still definitely not the best.
I don't know about you, but I'm getting something out of it. If I don't drink pop (or eat junk food) from now until September 9th, my wife is going to buy me The Beatles: Rock Band. I'm guessing you have the same sort of deal with the Wizards, only you'll probably get several thousand dollars in a bonus. Same thing, basically.
Since I heard the news, I've been thinking a lot about how we're very similar, and it's not just the pop thing. For instance, I bet kids called you "Carry-On" because it sounded like your name. That's exactly like when I used to get called "Gay Trey." Rhyming is universal. And remember how you chew on straws (of course you do -- you're you)? I used to do that too.
Oh, and of course, there's the main similarity between our vocations. You play basketball nine months out of the year and make millions of dollars. I make less than a tenth of that sitting at a desk day in and day out. See the similarity? We're both employed in this economy. It's amazing how much the same we are.
So next time you're in Chicago to play the Bulls, give me a call. We can do something that bros like us like to do. Maybe we can go buy some things that are super expensive, or go watch the new Quentin Tarantino movie (you like him, too? I knew it!). You know, stuff for us kinda guys. We'll think of something, I'm sure. Just no pop.
August 25, 2009
Kinda worried about Asia, guys. Follow this chain of events:
First, Kobe Bryant forces the Lakers to sign Sun Yue as an olive branch of sorts to the Chinese. However, because it's Kobe, there's more to the signing. He knows that adding a Chinese player to the roster increases his visability in China. Following the signing, Kobe makes Sun Yue sit next to him on every airplane and bus ride they take, even though he doesn't speak a word of Chinese.
Then, LeBron James convinces Nike to run in ad campaign in China, depicting him as the rightful heir to the throne formerly inhabited by the Bearded Man and Young Girl. As all Chinese know, these two former rulers were ousted by the Angry Man who has tyrannically ruled over China for centuries. Not until LeBron have the Chinese had a worthy adversary to Angry Man.
Then, Kobe takes a tour of Asia where he promotes his super light shoe. At every turn he derides LeBron's shoe for being too clunky. The Chinese take a liking to Kobe's shoes, mostly because they look better with high-end denim. Also, they're not that upset with Angry Man, he's just misunderstood.
Angered that Kobe has usurped his throne as reigning shoe maven in China, LeBron installs a massive video screen in his house that allows him to interact with the Chinese in real time. The video screen is wired in to China's closed circuit television mainframe, which gives LeBron the ability to interrupt any program with very important news. As you can see, the Chinese are delighted.
Finally, Kobe commissions the construction of a large, friendly looking robot which has been embraced by the Chinese. Unbeknownst to them, however, the robot is programmed so that if LeBron ever interrupts a Kobe commeercial or program it will systematically destroy whichever metropolis it is near. Savvy as he is, Kobe informed LeBron of this robot's capabilities and programming, leaving the onus on LeBron to not invoke it's wrath, in essence limiting LeBron's television control.
August 24, 2009
That tonight's gonna be a good night...
Tonight's gonna be a good good night...
Aww yeah. This that Black Eyed Peas song, right?
I got my money
Let's spend it up
I LOVE THIS SONG! THIS IS THE BEST PART!!!!!!
August 21, 2009
Not only could one of their investments be injured, they could also be hurt. Furthermore, they could also unwittingly unveil some new moves, thereby rendering them obsolete. Or they could be abducted, tied up in ropes, and placed on train tracks by robber barons. Also, they could be hurt.
But these are just minor dangers. The three situations that follow are all too common in international basketball. As such, they cause night sweats, buggymares, and general queasiness amongst NBA executives.
Due to the economic crisis, players are often forced to eat their winnings to stay alive.
Because not every team wins medals, and even those aren't terribly filling, overseas competition is overrun with players eating other players. As seen in the picture above, the Grizzlies' Hamed Haddadi is desperately eyeing the Nets' Yi Jianlian for a post-game meal. Unfortunately for Nets fans, FIBA officials were able to save Yi from his certain death.
August 20, 2009
August 19, 2009
August 18, 2009
How many punchlines are there for this picture of Houston Rockets rookie Chase Budinger? Let's see:
- "Ladies, can I buy you a blouse?"
- He loves college.
- Hairy Bird.
- Check back next summer to see Chase's skin match his uniform.
- via SEXY PEOPLE
- Good to see Jake Busey is still getting work.
- "Whoops!" -- Darryl Morey
- "Hey, let's take the creepiest rookie picture since Julian Wright." -- photographer
"Cool." -- Chase Budinger
- Man, Spencer Pratt is EVERYWHERE.
- This is a Rorschach test. Do you or do you not see a redhead?
- Oh, so that's why he got his face stepped on.
- Apprarently, Chase Budinger chose basketball over volleyball because he gets to play indoors.
- This is a screenshot from my favorite scene in Bedazzled.
August 17, 2009
Thanks to a well placed source in Denver (really) and confirmed by this article, Chris Andersen is not shaving until his wedding next June. Here is a dramatization of his beard growth:
"I'm the grizzly bird."
I visited the inspiration for the most important song of 2009:
My real life Internet music writer friend recommended an album that my real life Internet basketball writer friend had previously recommended, thus proving that there is more than one Steely Dan fan on Earth.
This song too:
Future projects to come after I finish this stupid book:
- A second book
- A comedy mixtape
August 7, 2009
I'm going to be in Colorado (the state) for the next week. It's pretty likely that there is going to be nothing happening around this place, friends. Who knows? Maybe I will blog, maybe I will Tumbl, maybe I will write you all letters (I will not write you all letters). Nonetheless, here are some ways to stay entertained in my absence.
- Passion of the Weiss's 50 Greatest Rap Albums of the 2000s. I wrote Food & Liquor, Lord Willin', The Renaissance, and Stankonia. There's a lot of good rap writing there.
- The Phenomenal Swag archive. Tons of completely pointless basketball products, several jokes.
- Call me at 708-303-TREY (8739). Leave me a message. It just might be used in a future Blowtorch post or podcast. Clicking this thing below will somehow connect you to the Blowtorch hotline, through magic.
August 6, 2009
Hey campers. It's week six here at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, hosted by Phil Jackson. We've already gone over a lot of the basics such as dramatic acting, really dramatic acting, and comedic acting. Today we've got a special treat. Towards the end here, I like to bring in one of my prized pupils to show you some acting games that will help you master improvization. Boys and girls, please give a warm welcome to the newest member of the New Orleans Hornets, Emeka Okafor!
First, we'll play a game called "mimic." In this game, which I made up, Emeka is going to do exactly what I do. Watch closely and you'll see how we each change our face just enough to look exactly like the other person, like we're mimicing them. That's where the name comes from. I'll begin.
Better. One more.
Can't you do another face? Let's try another game.
In this exercise, I call out an emotion, and Emeka will perform that emotion. I invented this game too, and it's called "Emotions." Hopefully, it goes a little better than the last one.
Yes! Constipated!EXCELLENT! Unconstipated!
Did you see that kids?! Emeka nailed every emotion I could think of, and he did it smoothly and with ease. Now, get with your partners, and give these games a try. We'll pick it up together in half an hour.