The Dangers of International Competition

Right now, there is a large international basketball competition taking place in locales around the world. It's called the Large International Basketball Competition and it features players from all around the globe, even some from the NBA. However, many owners don't like their players playing in the competition that they are playing in as players. Their fears are justified.

Not only could one of their investments be injured, they could also be hurt. Furthermore, they could also unwittingly unveil some new moves, thereby rendering them obsolete. Or they could be abducted, tied up in ropes, and placed on train tracks by robber barons. Also, they could be hurt.

But these are just minor dangers. The three situations that follow are all too common in international basketball. As such, they cause night sweats, buggymares, and general queasiness amongst NBA executives.

Physical Assault

Yes, an injury is distressing enough, but in international basketball, players are often punched while driving to the basket. Due to some European bylaws, this tactic has been permitted since the conception of FIBA (it is called the "Russian Handcheck" for obvious reasons). As of late, most European countries have abandoned this technique, but their Asian counterparts have mastered it. The coupling of basketball and martial arts has proven deadly for nearly 600 players since 1985.

Cloning

A players contract is predicated on the assumption that their skills are irreplaceable. But cloning laws abroad are lax, and the process has not yet been perfected. Not only does this make a player less valuable, it also downgrades the talent in the NBA. It is a closely guarded secret that the Allen Iverson who returned after the Athens Olympics was not the actual Iverson, but rather a laboratory creation dubbed Alan Iverson.

Poor Nutrition

Due to the economic crisis, players are often forced to eat their winnings to stay alive.

Cannabalism

Because not every team wins medals, and even those aren't terribly filling, overseas competition is overrun with players eating other players. As seen in the picture above, the Grizzlies' Hamed Haddadi is desperately eyeing the Nets' Yi Jianlian for a post-game meal. Unfortunately for Nets fans, FIBA officials were able to save Yi from his certain death.

Your Company's Two Newest Hires

Zhang is our newest systems administrator. He comes to Initech from China where he had extensive experience in Oracle Clinical databases, C++ programming, Microsoft Office suite, and many other systems. His expertise, however, is in server malfunctions. He has served as an associate systems administrator for a Fortune 500 company before moving to the States this year. He also plays center for the Sacramento Kings.

Hamed joins our organization with years of experience in the statistics field. He has a wealth of knowledge, including work in numerous databases, such as Oracle, Hyperion, and Infor systems. He also has designed standalone interfaces for these databases. Hamed is Iranian and he is a member of the Memphis Grizzlies.

Stax Records' Newest Artist

Straight out of Soulsville, USA, the Memphis Grizzlies present The New Mad Lads. Only on Stax Records.

Hakim - the thoughtful one. Check him out way dooowwwwnnn looooooooooowww. He's sensitive, but he's strong. Raised in the church, Hakim made his stage debut at the tender age of 3.

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Darko - the heart-throb. Sure he's the cute one, but he'll tear your heart out. Literally. But don't worry ladies, he's got a soft side he can't help displaying.

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Marc -- the funny one. He's all smiles, just having a great time. Of course he'll let you stroke his beard! You might remember him as the keyboardist for his brother's band Pau and the Gas Men.

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Hamed -- the eccentric one. While not as beloved by the group's fans, Hamed is the creative force behind the group. That's right girls and gals, he's responsible for hits such as "Giggin' with the Grizzlies," "Beale Street Stomp," and the newest smash single "I Wanna Play in the USA."