Hey, Let's Make the Worst Sign Ever

"Dude, we've got to make a sign for tonight's game. The Nugs can clinch!"

"OH that's right! For sure, let's make a sign. But we need to make sure it's very to the point."

"Yeah, yeah. Like nothing that doesn't make sense or that's too complicated. And it should be pretty boring."

"Got it."

RetroTorch: Wilt Chamberlain Dunks

While Wilt Chamberlain dunked, teammate Tom Meschery was frozen in terror. Wilt hadn't seen the enormous robot destroyer approaching the court. Just like dinosaurs, if you didn't move, the robots couldn't see you. But, well, Wilt had moved.

Fortunately for Wilt, he was faster than Tom. Unfortunately for Tom, the robot was hungry.

I Think I Killed Brad Miller

Remember when I unearthed the video of Brad Miller cutting off his beard? That was a really emotional video that deeply affected me emotionally. And I've regretted it to this day. I'm even pretty sure that showing that video killed Brad Miller. On the inside.

It's been basically the hardest three weeks of my life, dealing with the death of Brad Miller. Since then, his points per game, rebounds per game, assists per game, and field goal percentage have gone down. And his turnovers per game went up.

And he got punched in the face.

And he missed two free-throws that would have tied a playoff game.

And he's been ridiculed across the Internet.

And he didn't get to go to Coachella.

And he didn't really like the movie Earth.

And he still hasn't seen the Susan Boyle YouTube clip.

And he burned his hand on his waffle maker.

And he can't get his DVR to stop recording every episode of The Soup.

And his Geocities account was closed.

And he had high hopes for the Asher Roth album.

And the Hipster Grifter stole $800 from him.

So it's been pretty hard on Brad too. I can't help feeling that I did this to him. If I'd have just left that video in the depths of YouTube, maybe Brad Miller would still be alive. On the inside.

The least I can offer him is this electronic collage (French for "lots of things together to make one big thing"). He's one of my favorite guys ever and I'm sorry if I killed him. On the inside.

The Most Exciting Lay-Up in the History of Lay-Ups

Magic fans are a fickle bunch. Remember two week ago when they couldn't give a rip about Dwight Howard dunking? Now Andre Miller, possibly the most boring player in the league, drives to the basket and everyone FREAKS OUT.

I've never seen so many people so pumped up for a lay-up. Anthony Johnson looks like he's going to die.

Overheard at Last Night's Lakers Game

During the first quarter... So excited to be at the Lake Show
I'm having so much fun, you must know
My mustache doesn't even connect
Spotty facial hair, what did you expect?

(Unintelligible rapping)

(Gibberish)

The Lakers I love
The things I've tried
To be part of
The team don't work
Ever wonder if it's all for you.

-------------
At halftime...

Is Jack down there? Have you guys seen Jack? Just let me know if he's down there. I need to know if he likes my black jacket and baseball hat look. I got it from him. Oh, and maybe he can explain why I'm wearing a Grambling hat.

-------------
During the third quarter...

Oh, so some honkeys get to sit in the front row, mang? Estupido. Chicano can't get some seats, hombre? NBA be cheto packin' us all back here. Mexicans and white people are different.

-------------
During the fourth quarter...


Every [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]ing game I [expletive deleted]ing come to is a [expletive deleted] blowout. What the [expletive deleted]?! I pay [expletive deleted]ing $2600 for this [expletive deleted] seat and I have to watch some [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]ing Mormons drag their [expletive deleted] sorry [expletive deleted]es all over the [expletive deleted] court in their [term for homosexuals][expletive deleted] baby blue jerseys that look like a [expletive deleted] robin's egg took a [expletive deleted] on them. Is it me? Did I do something to deserve this [expletive deleted][expletive deleted]?!

Does this shirt make me look fat? [Expletive deleted], it does doesn't it? [Expletive deleted]. No wonder none of these [expletive deleted]ing Lakers girls will even look at me. What a [expletive deleted]ing waste of [expletive deleted]ing money that could have went to a [expletive deleted] steak or some [expletive deleted]. [Expletive deleted] me.

Considering Von Wafer

Hey guys, you guys know that I don't usually like easy jokes that erryone on the Internet Googlebox makes. Like, yeah, Greg Oden looks old, and if you add an L to his name it makes it Olden. Hilarious. Or did you know that some basketball players look like rappers? Genius! Oh, and Magic Johnson still has AIDS!!! Great!

Anywhatevers, this Von Wafer situation is really busting my beans. I couldn't even enjoy my nightly watching of A Walk to Remember starring Mandy Moore. It's really bugging me that we're letting Von Wafer's transgressions go unchecked. Someone needs to speak truth to Wafer.

Throwing out his last name, because he can't help it, let's realize that there is actually somebody in 21st century America who has CHOSEN the name Von. This isn't 16th century Germany, nor is it a 1980s video game about boxing.

And yeah, he CHOSE that name. I cannot stress this enough, which is why I'm capitalizing it every time I mention it. Von was given the name Vakeaton Quamar, which as far as I can tell means "Squatting Dog," but is also a pretty great name in a 60s activist kind of way. But upon being gifted with that wonderful name, this guy CHOSE "Von." There is no conceivable series of events that I can imagine picking that name. It doesn't really relate to Vakeaton that much, and it makes him sound like a tyrant. Oh, and it's the name "Von."

Think of the things you can do with Vakeaton Quamar. Here's an incomplete list, off the top of my head:

• produce albums for A Tribe Called Quest
• be a Wu-Tang affiliate alias
• as mentioned before, participate in 1960s rallys
• overthrow a country and serve as a horrible dictator
• Afro-centric poet

Comparatively, here's what you can do as Von:

• be confused with Vin
• overthrow a country and serve as a horrible dictator

It's obvious that Von Wafer has made a huge mistake. It's not just that he now has a funny name, but he's missed some golden opportunities. If you put a guard like Von Wafer in to the draft as Vakeaton Wafer, show some grainy footage of him doing Von Wafer things, and call him an overseas project, he'd be a top 10 pick. Instead, he was a second round pick and largely unnoticed until this season. And it's all because he picked that silly name.

My 13th Birthday

And now a guest post from my grandma Trudy.

The year was 1997 and Trey was going to be turning 13. He's always been a big basketball fan and in the past few years I'd gotten him different basketball-themed gifts that he seemed to really like. The previous year, I bought him a Chicago Bulls beret (they're his favorite team) that he wore all winter. A few years before that, I got him a complete set of Skybox cards. He told me recently that he still has them in his mother's basement. For his first birthday as a teenager I wanted to get him something really special.

During the previous summer, Trey had been really interested in a team called the Seattle Supersonics, who had played the Chicago Bulls in the championship round of the playoffs. Trey was particularly taken with a player named Shawn Kemp. I was reminded of this by my husband Harold one day when we were shopping for Trey's present. I even remember Trey getting his hair cut just like Shawn Kemp's. There was just a little square of hair on the front of his head. It looked odd to me, but he said all the kids in his subdivision had their hair cut like that. He's always been a bit of an eccentric anyways.

With this in mind, I decided to look for something to give him in DC Collectibles, a store that has a plethora of different sports memoribilia. Since we were in the midwest, it was a challenge finding any sort of Seattle Supersonics products. I considered getting Trey a Michael Jordan autographed jersey that he had worn during the playoffs, but decided that he would rather have something that wasn't Chicago Bulls. Then I saw it: a signed Shawn Kemp poster. I knew it was the perfect present.

You should have seen Trey's face when I gave it to him! He was so excited and thankful. I told him about the Michael Jordan jersey, and he assured me that he'd rather have the Shawn Kemp poster that I had purchased. I was so happy to make him so happy! Just this past year, when I visited Trey at his house I was shocked to see that he still has that Shawn Kemp poster hanging on his wall. He must really love it!

Thanks, Grandma!

Birdman Meets Birdman

You know me, I don't need no introduction. It's Baby, the numba one stunna, I shine every summa. The one and only Birdman, I fly in any weather.

But I be hearin they some balla callin his self Birdman. That aint gon fly, playboy. Baby, Brian, B, Bubba, you can call me what you feel, but you best know that I'm the Birdman. BRRRRRR.

I know he can't outstunt me when come to these cars, believe that. Earrings be trillion cut and my grill be slugged up. Normally, beef I don't discuss. Homeboy outta line, gon get his mondayfriday head bust. But this a clear case a copyright infringement, whoadie.

This boy be hoppin out the E class Benz? This boy got the alligator seats with the head on the inside? When the light hit his ice do it twankle and glisten? I know he ain't stunt like me. I just bought me a platinum football field. He ain't got that new Mercedes, wit da bubble eyes. I got that ON DUBS. That three wheel ride with a tire in the middle? I got that ON DUBS. TVs in all my cars, whoadie.

So why dis busta be callin his self da Birdman? Lemme peep homeboy.

Oh for real? Homeboy stay fly! I aint messin with no crazy white boy who lookin like a rooster on some down South meth addict tip. Playboy welcome to come to my next parkin lot party, and get his roll on, ya heard me? YA HEARD MEEEE? BRRRRRRRR.

Cruel Irony

So I said to Chauncey, our next game is on "Earth" Day. LOL

Ha.

Chill Out Justin TimberLakers

Look, Justin Timberlake, I like you. I've seen you in concert twice solo and once with *NSYNC. I bought both of your records the day they came out. One time, I signed autographs at a mall because these two young girls thought I was you and it made their day. I even didn't think Alpha Dog was THAT bad. I mean, it was pretty bad, but I've seen worse movies. Like The Love Guru.

Just kidding, I didn't see The Love Guru. Everything else was true though. And Black Snake Moan was even enjoyable most of the time. My point is, in general, I think you're a pretty legit bro. But why don't you relax with the Justin Timberlaking for a little bit?

You were at the Lakers game last night, kissing your Jessica Biel (who, let's be honest, has kinda fallen off since I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry) and dancing. Now, I understand that you can't help dancing all the time; it's what you do! And you do it well, but come on. We both know you're not really a Lakers fan.

You're from Tennessee, right? People in Tennessee don't like basketball. We both know this. They like football, sometimes golf, NASCAR, and racial insensitivity. I know you like golf (INTENSE) and I remember *NSYNC playing football on MTV or something like that. You don't have to act all Justin Timberlake all the time, just because you're at the Lakers game.

Okay, you did play in all those weird charity games back when you and Britney would wear matching jerseys, but you were terrible. I guess that means you have a little bit of credibility in that sector, but I'm just asking you to chill out with all the Justin Timberlake-ness. Maybe just be like 25% strength Timberlake. The girls will still go crazy, and guys will probably not hate you as much.

By all means, go to the Lakers game, if you must. But you don't need to wear a zany hat AND wacky glasses AND a jacket that you designed. And you certainly don't have to be "on" all the time. Look at your smile, Justin. No one is that happy at a Jazz game.

Basketball if fun, so keep having your fun. You don't have to be Super Fan #1. Look at Jack, he's more famous than everyone on the court other than Kobe and he just sits there like a normal human, checks out girls a third his age, and occasionally yells at refs. You don't see him dancing around all nimbly pimbly like Fred Astaire on Adderall.

One last thing; be nice to Andy Garcia, please. That guy can't get a decent seat for the life of him. People are still pretty mad about the third Godfather.

Sorry

No posts today. Except this one.

Here's Your Proof

If you've ever doubted the accuracy of this Internet weblog site, don't. Everything you ever read on here is true. Just two months ago I posted this absolutely brilliant deconstruction of Vinny Del Negro's coaching methods. Included in that post was this picture:

You might have thought I was joking and that these really weren't Vinny Del Negro's notes. Compare that play on the left to this one that Skeets captured during Saturday's game against the Celtics:

Eerily similar, aren't they? This just goes to show that I know things. But how?, you might wonder. I can't reveal that, but you should know the question isn't what are Vinny Del Negro's plays; it's WHEN are Vinny Del Negro's plays.

Carmelo and Chauncey Come Back to Earth

Space was really cool LOL but we want to talk about the Playoffs. Right Chauncey?

Word.

Good Action I

As there is nothing actually happening in the NBA today or yesterday (aside from the Devil collecting on last year's deal with the Celtics) here's some good action:

• During the playoffs, I'll be doing little videos for Hardwood Paroxysm. There is going to be no editing or coherence or substance, so you should definitely tune in. Apparently, there will be antiquated sayings.
• I've also recently started writing little music blurbs for The Singles Jukebox. I know just as much about music as I do about basketball. Take that for what it's worth.
• One last thing I tend to know lots about: random basketball goods. As such, I'm now writing the Phenomenal Swag posts for Skeets.

So those are other places you can find my musings on various subjects. Now on to more good action.

• Here's a video of me performing Seal's number 1 hit "Kiss by a Rose" while driving around with Lady Gaga:
• If you'd like all The Brad Miller Show videos, along with outtakes, never-before-seen footage, and other extras on a DVD for a low price, email me. I'm talking nice menus, high quality video, and laughs for literally probably an hour, all for around 6 dollars. It's an unbeatable deal. Also, be on the lookout late this summer for an amazing Brad Miller production.
• As a reward for making it this far (you haven't made it this far), here's another chapter of my book. If you, or anyone you know, want to publish it, email me. I'm easily bought.

(click for full-size)

Whatever, Dwight Howard

It's finally happened; the slam dunk has lost its cache.

You're probably thinking, "yeah, right. Go back to Alabama where they don't even have SLAM at bookstores and you'll end up having to read Can I Keep My Jersey? even though it's not that great. That's what you deserve for saying dunking isn't cool anymore. A place that hates basketball. Go there." But I didn't even say dunking isn't cool, so you're kind of being a jerk.

The point is, this picture of Dwight Howard. I carefully analyzed each and every human in it who isn't Dwight Howard in order to test my theory. Check it out:

(click for full-size)

KEY

Green - actually enjoying this slam dunk shot

Yellow - refusing to watch, out of boredom

Red - visibly upset by the dunk

Light blue - skeptical

That's inarguable evidence right there, pal. These people are so fed up with Dwight Howard just dunking all the time. They're like, "sweet dunk Dwight." Then they roll their eyes to their friend behind Dwight's back.

So why don't you just lay off and stop telling me to go back to Alabama. I saw a kid there wearing a full Dwight Howard uniform, but with the new Melo's and socks, TO THE BEACH. Think about it.

I'm in Alabama

I am driving a Chevrolet Aveo.
I am staying in a Holiday Inn.
I am eating at a Waffle House.
I am getting sunburned.
I am wearing boat shoes.

Ergo, content will be meager until Thursday.

But first, a two man play I call "We Move as One."

-------------

We Move as One

Fin.
-------------

The End of Carmelo Anthony's Space Adventure Letters?

Sup, Earthlings. It's me, Carmelo Anthony.

As you're well aware, me and my buddy Chauncey Billups have been travelling all around Space, doing Space things. We've seen some crazy stuff. Stuff that you can't see on Earth. Like for instance, we saw Earth. The whole thing. You can see little pieces when you're on Earth but to see it all, you have to go to Space.

And we went to Space. As I said before. Here's the proof.

That's me and Chaunce in deep dark space, posing. Giving cold looks. LOL We had a great time. Ain't that right Chauncey?

Yessir.

But we were up in Space the other day, and Chauncey throws Independence Day in the DVD player. That's one of his favorite Fresh Prince movies. But we're watching it in Space, which makes it even more relevant. Chauncey looks at me and says, "fossil fuels." And I knew what he meant.

We been using so much fossil fuels being up here it's ridiculous. And we like the environment, so we decided to come back and go green. So that's basically it. We're back from Space to save the environment with going green. Probably won't here much about our trip until the book comes out, which is supposed to be summer of 2009. It's going to be otherworldly good. LOL

Peace for now, everybody.

Keep it real,

Melo

If Vin Diesel Was Commissioner of the NBA...

• Each team would have two jerseys: skins and white v-neck.
• Every player, official, and team employee would be allowed to keep their first name, but their last name must be changed to Diesel.
• Shaquille Diesel would have several MVPs.
• Drunk driving would be punishable by banishment from the league. Street racing, however, would become part of All Star Weekend.
• In fact, All Star Weekend would take place on a deserted city block in downtown Los Angeles every year.
• The NBA Finals would no longer have home court advantage, since the championship series would be played in the California desert. It's name would be changed to Basketball Wars, and rather than playing for a championship trophy, the winning team gets the pink slips to the losing team's cars.
• We would call below average players "busters."
• The three-point field goal signal done by referees would be changed from arms raised above head to arms extended to either side of the body, parallel to the floor. Every arm muscle available should be flexed.
• The shot clock would be shortened to 10 seconds.
• All commercials would feature the tagline: "The NBA - live your life a quarter at a time."
• All players would be required to shave their heads.
• There would be A LOT more Asian players.
• The Detroit Pistons would be the center of the basketball universe.
• The NBA would be the most popular sport in America, even though its premise is totally ridiculous and unbelievable.

The Brad Miller Show: Brad Miller Cuts His Beard

In this thrilling conclusion (maybe...) to season one of The Brad Miller Show, our hero sheds his facial hair.

I Made It

Guys, I was violently ill this week. I couldn't even sleep through the night and I ate about 150 Tums in 2 days. I didn't know if I was going to live through it. My life flashed before my eyes. It was like watching a Brad Miller video, but with somewhat less headbands. I was terrified.

Would I ever get to see the Bulls make the playoffs again? Would I ever get to make a really good sign for them?

It was horrible. Laying there on my couch, I was pleading. If Carl Landry can get shot and live through it, why do I have to die from eating two bowls of chili at 10:00 pm? Then I started thinking, will I ever get to see Carl Landry play again?

I mean, he got shot, you guys. Just in the leg, but it's still significant. 50 Cent got shot 9 times and he's alive. Didn't I deserve to live? I had just started to go green, too. I think I was making an impact. My movement, the go green movement that I created, has already reached Los Angeles.

Sure, some people have taken it too far. Like the Bobcats. They just made a joke of my movement with their silly green uniforms. I wouldn't miss the Bobcats and they're smug, "Look at us we're wearing green uniforms" attitude.

I was determined though. I had my Tums and my will and I promised myself that I wouldn't be outlived by Dikembe Mutombo. That'd just be embarrassing.But the thing I'd miss the most of all, besides my family and friends, but probably more than some of my "friends" (haters), was that I'd never get the chance to see your brother and your dad play basketball again.

They were such an inspiration to me. Such a motivation to keep fighting for my life, while I was eating Tums. If it wasn't for them, I don't know if I'd have survived this horrible illness called sweat sickness. I saw it on The Tudors and it was really deadly, so I'm pretty sure that's what I had.

But I made it, guys. And I have your dad and brother to thank. Tell Brian and Steve I said, "thanks." They'll know what it means.

The Celtics Big Three Attend a Screening of Fast and Furious

Michael Jordan-esque

I am ill today, and not in the Beastie Boys sense. However, I watched Game 5 of the '97 Finals this weekend, so it'd be insulting to recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan if I didn't produce some bloggable memes. That being said, I had to dig very deep in to the YouTube vaults to find Jordan videos that have no views. But here's two.

First, a Bulls-oriented promo where the producers blew most of their budget on writing a Robert Palmer parody and only had enough money left for two words from Jordan.

And of course, Michael Jordan being a normal guy. Renewing his license, dressing like Samuel L. Jackson, and blinking during his picture. Because Michael Jordan is nothing, if not a totally normal guy who is in no way different than any of us.

Go Green, Guys

Hey dudes, it's "Green Week" for the NBA. Maybe you haven't heard of the environment, but it needs us to "go green." This means we need to do things for the environment that make the environment not hate us. If we don't do this, the environment will make us want to kill ourselves in increasingly ludicrous ways, and who knows if Marky Mark will be able to save us again.

But there are things you can do to help make the environment happy. For instance, you can take part in the NBA's gimmick for a good cause. You can buy their organically made goods which will still clog landfills once you realize you bought a multi-colored basketball and recycled socks.

And once you get your shirt, you can look just as silly as Denver's mayor by wearing a t-shirt over your shirt and tie. This look was invented by bros at Express Men maybe 4 years ago, but when you combine it with an environmental-friendly bicycle you look super fresh.

Another option is to go the Phoenix Suns route. As you can see, they hired reality tv hopefuls to work both in their promotional department and in their roadside garbage pick-up crew. Those orange cargo pants are great for carrying your spec script, headshots, and of course great amounts of garbage.

Or here's an idea: give children Gift Cards. Yeah, they'll eventually just be thrown away after the kids get their hands on the newest all-over print hoodie, but at least it's better than an oversized check, a great signifier of excess and disregard for the environment.

Oops!Maybe you have a lot of labor to take care of around the house. Rather than using machinery that emits harmful toxic fumes, why not just buy a couple of local teenagers to do the dirty work?I saw what happened to everyone around Mark Wahlberg, and I don't want that to happen to us. I'm going to do my part by recycling memes. In fact, this very post is a Skeets post with a thin coat of cynicism.

If we all work together, we can help save the environment. Mark Wahlberg isn't going to be here forever. But even if he was, we don't need to see him put through the obvious stress and consternation that he went through that time everyone started stabbing themselves. Look how hard he had it back then.

Don't put him through that again.

Please consider the environment before printing this post.