April 22, 2009

Chill Out Justin TimberLakers

Look, Justin Timberlake, I like you. I've seen you in concert twice solo and once with *NSYNC. I bought both of your records the day they came out. One time, I signed autographs at a mall because these two young girls thought I was you and it made their day. I even didn't think Alpha Dog was THAT bad. I mean, it was pretty bad, but I've seen worse movies. Like The Love Guru.

Just kidding, I didn't see The Love Guru. Everything else was true though. And Black Snake Moan was even enjoyable most of the time. My point is, in general, I think you're a pretty legit bro. But why don't you relax with the Justin Timberlaking for a little bit?

You were at the Lakers game last night, kissing your Jessica Biel (who, let's be honest, has kinda fallen off since I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry) and dancing. Now, I understand that you can't help dancing all the time; it's what you do! And you do it well, but come on. We both know you're not really a Lakers fan.

You're from Tennessee, right? People in Tennessee don't like basketball. We both know this. They like football, sometimes golf, NASCAR, and racial insensitivity. I know you like golf (INTENSE) and I remember *NSYNC playing football on MTV or something like that. You don't have to act all Justin Timberlake all the time, just because you're at the Lakers game.

Okay, you did play in all those weird charity games back when you and Britney would wear matching jerseys, but you were terrible. I guess that means you have a little bit of credibility in that sector, but I'm just asking you to chill out with all the Justin Timberlake-ness. Maybe just be like 25% strength Timberlake. The girls will still go crazy, and guys will probably not hate you as much.

By all means, go to the Lakers game, if you must. But you don't need to wear a zany hat AND wacky glasses AND a jacket that you designed. And you certainly don't have to be "on" all the time. Look at your smile, Justin. No one is that happy at a Jazz game.

Basketball if fun, so keep having your fun. You don't have to be Super Fan #1. Look at Jack, he's more famous than everyone on the court other than Kobe and he just sits there like a normal human, checks out girls a third his age, and occasionally yells at refs. You don't see him dancing around all nimbly pimbly like Fred Astaire on Adderall.

One last thing; be nice to Andy Garcia, please. That guy can't get a decent seat for the life of him. People are still pretty mad about the third Godfather.

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