April 9, 2009

If Vin Diesel Was Commissioner of the NBA...

  • Each team would have two jerseys: skins and white v-neck.
  • Every player, official, and team employee would be allowed to keep their first name, but their last name must be changed to Diesel.
  • Shaquille Diesel would have several MVPs.
  • Drunk driving would be punishable by banishment from the league. Street racing, however, would become part of All Star Weekend.
  • In fact, All Star Weekend would take place on a deserted city block in downtown Los Angeles every year.
  • The NBA Finals would no longer have home court advantage, since the championship series would be played in the California desert. It's name would be changed to Basketball Wars, and rather than playing for a championship trophy, the winning team gets the pink slips to the losing team's cars.
  • We would call below average players "busters."
  • The three-point field goal signal done by referees would be changed from arms raised above head to arms extended to either side of the body, parallel to the floor. Every arm muscle available should be flexed.
  • The shot clock would be shortened to 10 seconds.
  • All commercials would feature the tagline: "The NBA - live your life a quarter at a time."
  • All players would be required to shave their heads.
  • There would be A LOT more Asian players.
  • The Detroit Pistons would be the center of the basketball universe.
  • The NBA would be the most popular sport in America, even though its premise is totally ridiculous and unbelievable.

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