Rajon Rondo Loves Redbull

Hey, I'm Rajon Rondo of the Boston Celtics. I'm also a paid endorser for Red Bull energy drink. It gives you wings. Thanks for stopping by. Let's check out my abode. We'll start in back.

(Rondo drinks a can of Red Bull.)


Yo, this is my back yard. I mostly just like to come out here and drink Red Bull energy drink. It gives you wings.

(Rondo chugs a can of Red Bull.)

Yeah, I just like to come back here. Drink my Red Bull energy drink, which gives you wings, and then kind of just brood on my steps. I told my designer, "make sure you get me some brooding steps." And she was all like, "what are brooding steps?" So I said, "just like regular steps except you brood on them." Then she was like, "oh that makes sense." Then I was like, "did you think, like the steps would actually be brooding?" And she was like, "I just really wasn't sure what you meant." Then I was like, "yo that's crazy steps can't show emotions like brooding because they just steps which are made of stone." So she was like, "yeah."

(Rondo chugs a can of Red Bull.)

Let's go inside, yo. It's more housey in there.

Thistheinsideofmyhouse.

I just like sittin here drinking Red Bull energy drink that gives you wings but I ain't ever grow no wings so I think it's a metaphor or something humans can't just be growing wings like buzzards or something so I don't even get it but they give me SO MUCH Red Bull that I can't drink it fast enough and if it really did give you wings I'd have like a million wings by now.

(Rondo chugs a can of Red Bull.)

Let'sgocheckoutmygaragewhereIkeepmycarssinceitsagarageforcars.

(Rondo enters the garage.)

YoRedBullenergywingshookeditupwithasuperfastcar. Wegottadriveitrightnoworthewings.

HahayeahweflyinandIdon'tknowifthisiswhattheymeanwiththewingssincewe're

metaphoricallyflyinbutwegoinfastandIain'tevencareifwecutthempeopleoffbecause

thisisAmericaandit'safreecountrysoI'mallowedtocutpeopleoffifIwanttobecause

that'struefreedomandsupposedlysomepeoplethingImeantthinkthatRedBullmakes

youirritatedorshorttemperedbutlookatme.

DoIlookirritatedordoIlooklikesupersmoothandbroodingwithoutwingscauseofthefake
RedBullwingsexactlyI'mcoolbrosothat'swhyIsayRedBullwingdrinkdoesn'tmakeyou
irritatedandthat'ssciencelikethatmovieAnchormanright.

(Rondo's develops a heart murmur from too much Red Bull.)

One of These Wasn't Photoshopped

Text Messages I Received During the Bulls/Celtics Game 7

These real life messages from real life bros were received between 6:37 and 10:32 pm Saturday night. It's like the Brad Miller remix of Texts from Last Night, only not made up.

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6:37 -- Im nervous about a game i have no rooting interest in.

6:39 -- If i had one. I have subbed a raptors shirt.

6:53 -- How many tins of Skoal has Brad Miller gone through today?

7:02 -- Bangersssss

7:32 -- Thanks for basketball, God!

7:46 -- H8 big baby

7:58 -- Watching Brian Scalabrine guard Brad Miller is like stepping into a phantom tollbooth of delusional gigantism. Scalabrine is ginger Michael Rapaport.

8:04 -- It's uncanny. I feel after the game both of them are going to go home and listen to Mac Lethal records.

8:05 -- Do you think he and the professor listen to old cage records outside of the rucker?

8:07 -- Wait Scalabrine is El-P's gigantoid brother. How has no one realized this.

8:53 -- Rondo is a little girl.

9:28 -- Vinny Del Nego may employ a professional hair stylist.

9:29 -- The same one employed for Scott Baio and Willie Aames on Charles in Charge.

9:39 -- I think Brad Miller needs to start re-enacting Reservoir Dogs.

9:48 -- Nothing to be ashamed of.

9:53 -- F---ing gordon. Eddie house is an a-------.

10:01 -- Sad

10:02 -- Great run. Bright future. No shame.

10:02 -- the only consolation for brad miller is atmosphere albums.

10:06 -- They are not well coached. :/

10:10 -- There's a massive part of him that is glad this is over. Looked terrified. Do you think he'll grow into a decent coach? Mike Brown was atrocious his first year.

10:31 -- Longest line ever award.

10:32 -- It's like getting a Rondo award. Blech!

Every Celtics Fan Ever During Joakim Noah's Dunk

(h/t: Jens the Headless Chicken)

Incorrect Running Forms Arranged From Bad to Worst

The Celtics Big Three Attend a Screening of Fast and Furious

Are the Celtics Dirty?

Tom Ziller started an interesting discussion on whether or not the Celtics are dirty. As you can imagine, Celtics fans disagree. And because they're Celtics fans, they have to respond and defend and kind of ignore the initial argument. It's how former Celtic great Gary Payton would have wanted it, as you can see by his television work.

However, I don't know why they're all fighting. If everyone had just asked me, I could have easily explained whether or not certain players are dirty. It's easy. You look at their grooming habits and decide.

Here's an quick reference guide. Explanations are below.

Glen Davis - I bet he's one of those fat guys that smells like baby powder. NOT DIRTY

Bill Walker - Always looks like he has a dip in. DIRTY

Ray Allen - Impeccably groomed. NOT DIRTY

Eddie House - Beard maintenence proves dedication to hygeine. NOT DIRTY

Gabe Pruitt - Attended Southern California, home of lots of bros. NOT DIRTY

Kendrick Perkins - Probably has to wear a bib when he eats ribs. DIRTY

Kevin Garnett - Aside from chin, completely hairless. NOT DIRTY

Mikki Moore - Owns a snake. DIRTY

Leon Powe - Has two side jobs: garbageman and construction worker. DIRTY

Paul Pierce - Refuses to shower since Antoine Walker retired. DIRTY

Rajon Rondo - Smoothest skin in NBA history. NOT DIRTY

Stephon Marbury - Has a head tattoo. DIRTY

As you can see, the Celtics have six dirty players and six who are not. I think this settles that argument. You're welcome.

Kevin Garnett Intenses Twitter

Kevin Garnett's current Twitter status:

Miracles Happen

It's usually beyond the scope of the Blowtorch to discuss religion, but if this doesn't signify something, than I don't make jokes about foreigners. What you see below is an electronic mail message from the pastor that will be performing my marriage ceremony.

Klosterman said that for one decade, God cared about NBA basketball. Maybe he's a really big Lakers/Celtics fan, because it's a blessing that I don't have to reschedule my marriage counselling in order to liveblog.

Inner Thoughts with Leon Powe

Rajon Rondo: Here. (pump fakes, jumps, spins, and throws an off-balance pass to Leon Powe)

Leon Powe: What do you want me to do with this? Dribble?

Alright. I guess I can take a dribble until you’re ready.

(takes a dribble)

Aren’t you guys going to guard me?

Phil Jackson: What is this “guarding” you speak of? Existentially, if we were to ignore this matriculation, then said matriculation would cease to exist. One need not guard that which does not exist.

Leon Powe: I’ll take one more dribble then I’ll stop. Get this to someone who can handle it. Or Rajon.

(takes another dribble)

Seriously, guys. Are you messing with me? I’m Leon Powe and I’m dribbling up court. At full speed.

Kobe Bryant: Does he know me? Do I know this guy? I don’t know this guy.

Lamar Odom: (thinks about unicorns and robots)

Leon Powe: This is a joke, right? I’m getting close to the basket now. I’ll stop if you want.

(takes a dribble in to the lane)

Pau Gasol: Habla Espanol? Me gusta mi barba.

Leon Powe: Okay, I’m dunking now. Just so you know, I’m going to dunk.

(throws down a fierce dunk)

Phil Jackson: Guarding is such sweet sorrow.

Lamar Odom: (thinks about dinosaurs)

33 Redux

Deep in the annals of Blowtorch lore are nods to Chuck Klosterman as my main inspiration for entering the writing world. Of course, it's easy to see his influence in everything that I write not involving Tony Parker soliciting people to violate his wife. ANYHOW, this is a long-winded way of saying that I'm a huge Chuck Klosterman fan.

In Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs, Klosterman examines the diametrically opposed nature of the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers of the 1980s. Once the Finals match-up was set, I returned to the book to see what additional knowledge I could gather.

"Wouldn't it be awesome," I thought, "if Chuck Klosterman addressed these two teams again?"

The answer, obviously, is yes. It would be awesome if Chuck Klosterman addressed these two teams again.

And that's exactly what you see below.

I make up a lot of stuff around here, but this is legit. I put together the questions (stealing two from the original essay) and Chuck answered them. Please enjoy.

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QUESTION #1 - "What kind of bear is best?"

Celtic People traditionally support grizzly bears. KG and Pierce are both grizzy-like, although Ray Allen seems more like a superstitious panda. Laker People prefer the Galician brown bear, which is native to northwest Spain and can be acquired in trade for two dead rabbits and a case of Zima.

QUESTION #2 - "Which candidate deserves my vote?"

This is a tricky question: When I break humans into the categories of Celtic People and Laker People, I am (generally) only using the teams from the 1980s that were diametrically and metaphorically opposed. It's harder to make this distinction with the modern squads; they seem less symbolic and more similar. I feel like Kendrick Perkins would probably vote for McCain and Luke Walton would support Hillary. Kobe would vote for whoever was ahead in the polls. I bet Phil Jackson is soft on crime and Doc Rivers hates NAFTA. This is all probably a moot point, however. I have to assume Barack Obama does not have to worry very much about dominating the NBA vote. If 80 percent of southern Ohio was composed of professional basketball players, we would be out of Iraq by 2010.

QUESTION #3 - "Who would win in a fight, a ninja or a pirate?"

Kobe likes to call himself the Black Mamba, which is a somewhat reactionary ninja name. I suppose Rondo is something of a pirate moniker, but it's probably not that simple. Besides, the last true ninja in this rivalry was Michael Cooper.

QUESTION #4 - "Is Adam Sandler funny?"

No.

QUESTION #5 - "Where should I get my news?"

Celtic People get their news from the New York Times web page, the print edition of the Cincinnati IEnquirer, Grit magazine, anecdotal conversations with drug dealers, The Bill Simmons podcast, John Stossel, the subtext of Cormac McCarthy novels, and their own dreams. Laker People get their news from episodes of 24, The Huffington Post, billboards, the users guide for GTA4, unicorn-themed Tarot cards, Diablo Cody's tumblr account, Chinese menus, and Andrew W.K.

QUESTION #6 - "What late night talk show host should I watch?"
I don't think I've watched any of these shows in something like nine years. It's difficult to watch TV at night. It's inconvenient.

QUESTION #7 - "What socially irresponsible rap music should I support?"
The problem with this question is that rap isn't as socially irresponsible as it used to be. Garnett makes everything look difficult and emotionally painful, so maybe Celtic People need to buy more DMX records. The easy answer for Laker People (because of Kobe) is obviously R. Kelly, the only problem being that he is not a rapper. There really isn't a Nas figure on either on these rosters, although maybe Lamar Odom comes close. As for Eminem ... I heard this rumor that he has hidden himself away in some remote location, grew a beard, got depressed, filled an entire refrigerator with Mountain Dew and Sunny D, and now just sits around taking painkillers and thinking about the end of the world.

Oh, wait ... that's what I'm doing right now.

Never mind. L.A. in five games.

1000 Words: Even If You're Not Watching Them, They're Watching You

From my car this morning...Something BIG coming tomorrow.

The Weakest Link: Boston Celtics

Someone, possibly Ghandi, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up first, the Boston Celtics and Gabe Pruitt…

Gabe Pruitt is a rookie point guard from USC who backs up Rajon Rondo, Sam Cassell, Sam Cassell’s nuts, Eddie House, and Tony Allen. I’m not saying that he sucks at playing basketball, but if you’re stuck behind Tony Allen and Eddie House, there’s a good chance you suck at basketball.

Pruitt last graced the court on February 25th, meaning that I have played more competitive basketball games than him in the last month and a half. For the season, Pruitt is averaging a whopping 2.0 points per game on a blazing .379 shooting percentage.

Fun Facts:
Once ate 14 Cheddar Bay Biscuits in one sitting at a Boston area Red Lobster…born with eleven fingers….prefers crew length socks…shuffleboard enthusiast…nickname is “Smiley Gabe”…shares birthday with Candace Parker, Scott Padgett, and Suge Knight…maintains bonsai trees as a hobby

Possible Proof That Gabe Pruitt Has Played in an NBA Game:

My Interview with Leon Powe

After last night’s big win over the Houston Rockets, I sat down in the locker room with the night’s unlikely hero, Leon Powe.

Goathair: Hi.

Leon Powe: Hi.

Goathair: Hello.

Leon Powe: Hi.

Goathair: Hi.

Leon Powe: Hello.

Goathair: Ok….

Leon Powe: Yeah….so?

Goathair: Sooooo….hmmmm….you scored 21 tonight in a huge game. That’s great.

Leon Powe: Yeah, pretty cool.

Goathair: Yeah. Absolutely.

Leon Powe: Yeah…

Goathair: Hey, remember that time you lead the Pac-10 in scoring and rebounding?

Leon Powe: Yeah.

Goathair: That was awesome.

Leon Powe: Yeah.

Goathair: Hmmm….

Leon Powe: …

Goathair: …

Leon Powe: …

Goathair: Anybody ever tell you you look like a construction worker?

Leon Powe: All the time, man. All the time.

Why does Danny Ainge love the mid 2000s Pacers?

So the Celtics might get Reggie Miller and they just signed Scot Pollard (aka Insano Zach Morris). Both bizarre moves, but I guess they both make a little sense since they were teammates for 3 years on the Pacers. And the Pacers GM is Larry Bird who played with Danny Ainge and obviously Ainge only trusts former Boston Celtics.

ANYWAYS, like I said, Pollard and Reggie were both Pacers for a time so I decided to have a look at what other ineffectual, washed-up veterans the Celtics could poach from those somewhat competitive Pacers teams of yore.

Dale Davis – played in 46 games for the Pistons last year, so this might not actually be a terrible signing. Sure he’s about 80 years old, but he could teach Kendrick Perkins the finer points of being a dirty player and elbowing people, which are always valuable skills. Also he’d bring the experience of choking in the playoffs (from his Portland days), an attribute that will surely come in handy in the post-season.

David Harrison – he’s a large, somewhat talented big man who never panned out. Where have I heard that before?

Jonathan Bender – once the next Kevin Garnett, now he can play with the real Garnett and see what an unfortunate case he truly is.

Michael Curry – his Hall of Fame probability is .000, so I’d imagine the Celtics could get him for cheap; and after spending tons of money on their Big Three, that’s important.

John Edwards – it’s always wise to have a former Vice-Presidential candidate on your basketball team.

Britton Johnsen – he’s not really British, but I’d imagine he says “Ello, guvna!” really well. That kind of guy is wonderful for team morale.

Samaki Walker – if only so he can wear this get-up to every game. It doesn’t violate the dress code.

Allan Ray Allen

Here's the best part of last night's trade festival: