April 27, 2009

Considering Von Wafer

Hey guys, you guys know that I don't usually like easy jokes that erryone on the Internet Googlebox makes. Like, yeah, Greg Oden looks old, and if you add an L to his name it makes it Olden. Hilarious. Or did you know that some basketball players look like rappers? Genius! Oh, and Magic Johnson still has AIDS!!! Great!

Anywhatevers, this Von Wafer situation is really busting my beans. I couldn't even enjoy my nightly watching of A Walk to Remember starring Mandy Moore. It's really bugging me that we're letting Von Wafer's transgressions go unchecked. Someone needs to speak truth to Wafer.

Throwing out his last name, because he can't help it, let's realize that there is actually somebody in 21st century America who has CHOSEN the name Von. This isn't 16th century Germany, nor is it a 1980s video game about boxing.

And yeah, he CHOSE that name. I cannot stress this enough, which is why I'm capitalizing it every time I mention it. Von was given the name Vakeaton Quamar, which as far as I can tell means "Squatting Dog," but is also a pretty great name in a 60s activist kind of way. But upon being gifted with that wonderful name, this guy CHOSE "Von." There is no conceivable series of events that I can imagine picking that name. It doesn't really relate to Vakeaton that much, and it makes him sound like a tyrant. Oh, and it's the name "Von."

Think of the things you can do with Vakeaton Quamar. Here's an incomplete list, off the top of my head:
  • produce albums for A Tribe Called Quest
  • be a Wu-Tang affiliate alias
  • as mentioned before, participate in 1960s rallys
  • overthrow a country and serve as a horrible dictator
  • Afro-centric poet

Comparatively, here's what you can do as Von:

  • be confused with Vin
  • overthrow a country and serve as a horrible dictator

It's obvious that Von Wafer has made a huge mistake. It's not just that he now has a funny name, but he's missed some golden opportunities. If you put a guard like Von Wafer in to the draft as Vakeaton Wafer, show some grainy footage of him doing Von Wafer things, and call him an overseas project, he'd be a top 10 pick. Instead, he was a second round pick and largely unnoticed until this season. And it's all because he picked that silly name.

1 comment:

maggotronix said...

he just needs to dye his hair platinum blond and grow it out a bit and he could pull wesley snipes in Demolition Man