October 31, 2008

Former NBA Player Scott Williams Opines On the State of the NBA

Hey guys, it's me Scott Williams, and I'm here to talk to you about basketball. In particular, NBA basketball.

You might not remember this, but just three years ago, I, Scott Williams, played basketball in the NBA. In fact, I played for the Cleveland Cavaliers with LeBron James. LeBron has gone on record saying that I'm the biggest influence on his basketball life, so trust me when I tell you what is wrong with the NBA.

Want to know what's wrong with the NBA? I'll tell you right now.
There's not enough Scott Williams in the NBA.
Actually, there's no Scott Williams in the NBA at all, and that is definitely not enough Scott Williams.

Check my stats. I averaged 7.6 per game in 1994 and then the exact same number, 7.6, in the year 2000. You can bet online that has never been done before.

Remember the time I registered my career high in points AND assists in the same game against my former team? I do. Once again, this is a legendary feat that only adds to the legend of Scott Williams.

Oh, I forgot to mention my three championship rings. How silly of me.

Think of it this way; I've got three titles, the ability to score at least 7.6 points per game, and I'm guaranteed to have a career high in points and assists against any of my former teams. You add that to the fact that I essentially tought LeBron James to play basketball. Why wouldn't that interest the NBA?

I know David Stern is quite concerned with the marketing of the league overseas and other business of that sort, but he seems to be missing the point. The NBA needs more Scott Williams, and I'm just the Scott Williams to give it to them.

Draft Daze and Dallas Penn

From big homie Dallas Penn comes part one of a video of a guy who has declared for the draft the past 17 years. It's a true story. Just as true as everything else on this site.

October 29, 2008

The Blowtorch Presents ... The Worst of the Best

Play The Blowtorch Presents...The Worst of the Best

  • The five worst NBA players are discussed.
  • At least four fellow bloggers are shouted out.
  • Joe Alexander is interviewed.
  • Music from the Knux

Yet More Evidence of Tom Ziller's Statistical Mastery (OR How Harry Potter Proves the French Are Liars)

The name Ghostface Ziller is hard-earned.

You see, the namesake rapper is one of the best ever, and this is undeniable. To live up to such a lofty name, a fellow would have to put in some serious and seriously good work for a long period of time, just like Tony Starks. That being said, Tom Ziller of everybasketballwebsite fame is a legend. A man who is certainly worthy of the Ghostface moniker (and not just because it sounds good). This summer was truly the summer of Ziller.

However, never has his work with Excel been so important as it is now.


The data below (derived from the Harry Potter Blood Purity Scale) might be pretty shocking. It proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that most so-called "French" basketball players are hardly French at all.

This is troubling for many reasons:

a) More people trying to wear gauzy scarves around their necks.
b) Possible racial tensions due to anger about inclusion at local wizarding academies (ex. Malfoy vs. Granger, 2000)
c) More very sweating people who refuse to wear deodorant.
d) Proliferation of Formula-One fandom.
e) Bloghouse musicians JUSTICE (Joustice) plot takeover of America by dance-induced hysteria.
f) Techno wars between JUSTICE and Daft Punk infiltrate America, further plummeting the economy.
g) French culinary arts become more commonplace, and therefore are assimilated, and are therefore not as tasty.
h) I think the French still hate America, right?

As you can see, there is nothing good that can come from French citizenship being handed out like candy. Sooner than you think, France will have adopted enough basketball players that they can form a successful international team. This will allow them to generate enough capital to launch an attack against us through deft passing, delicious food, and delirious dancing. (I'm particularly scared since these are my three weaknesses.)

However, there is a ray of light. There is one great benefit of an increased number of "French" basketball players:

a) More BAGUETTE jokes.

When you really weigh it out, that might make the dance craze worth it.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Great Oden's Foot Edition

  • Maybe a week ago, Matt and I were talking about the prospects of Greg Oden. I'm in the "best dude ever" camp; Matt's a little more subdued/skeptical/other word starting with S. The main crux of his argument is that Oden might be injury-prone. I said, "worrying about injuries is silly." Matt got salty.

    However, Matt also appears to be right. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and today, I'm that big man.
  • Due to internet obligations/my DVR being occupied by Dancing with the Stars and Without a Trace (not my choices), I only got to see about 10 minutes of the Bulls game. That's too bad, as it appears they are both exciting and maybe decent. Tyrus Thomas had a good game and Derrick Rose is for real. Larry Hughes being injured sure doesn't help hurt either.
  • Skeets mentioned it last night, but I whole-heartedly agree that one of the best parts of the NBA season is seeing everybody's new hair/look/personal brand. It's hilarious.

    Particularly up for debate was Delonte West. I'm pro-hair as it makes him look less like a re-animated alien corpse, but that's just my opinion.
  • Another important matter of business during the live blog was the creation of Goatman. Ergo, all posts this Friday will be done as Goatman, for Halloween. I don't know what that means, but it's going to happen.
  • New podcast tomorrow, hopefully. It's available for subscription in iTunes now. Just search for the Blowtorch.
  • More to come later...

October 28, 2008

The Worst Christmas Present Ever

Consider this a public service announcement to any parent of an NBA fan.

Let's say that your son is the biggest Portland Trailblazer fan on the planet. Furthermore, let's say that he's also a big shoe collector. And finally, let's say that your son loves Blazers memorabilia.

Now, given those circumstances, what would be a perfect gift for your son? First, maybe, you consider getting your son a pair of the Brandon Roy Nike Blue Chips. But no, those aren't authentic enough. You want something better than that.

Sure, you could get a Greg Oden jersey or maybe even a Bill Walton throwback. But there's got to be something more legit than those, right?

So you settle on these; game worn Steve Blake And 1 Tai Chis.

And just like that, all your careful planning and deliberation goes out the window. You just bought your son a pair of wack shoes from a mediocre point guard.

So please, parents, beware of what you buy. Just because it's real doesn't mean it's real good.

More Rasheed Wallace Greatness

The Pistons pumped gas for people. A whole twenty dollars worth. Good for the Pistons.

However, the best part of this is that it's obvious that Rasheed doesn't pump his own gas. Note the hose going over the car and the handle upside down.

Oh, Rasheed. Your pampered millionaire ways are so silly.

October 27, 2008

Everything's Coming Up Lakers This Year

Oh, sorry. Don't mind me. I just wanted to show my undying love for the Lakers.

I mean, yeah, it's kinda weird that I showed up to TwinsCon 2008 without a twin, but I really thought Snoop was going to be here. No, he's not actually my twin, but we look pretty similar.

Don't forget he used to wear hockey jerseys all the time, too. Then this would make more sense. I figured, doo-rag plus Lakers love plus hockey jersey equals Snoop, right? I'm not totally ridiculous for thinking that, am I?

Oh, no. This is bad. Seriously. What am I doing here? I am definitely not a twin. Snoop is definitely not my twin. Snoop is definitely not coming. What was I thinking? This is bad, bad, bad.

Alright. If I stay completely motionless, maybe no one will notice me. Yeah, yeah. That'll work. Just stay REAL quiet against this wall. Okay, those guys don't notice me, do they? This is just like that T-Rex scene in Jurassic Park.

Did Jeff Goldblum get eaten after that? He did, didn't he? What in the world was I thinking? This is terrible.

Slowly, Calbert, SLOWLY edge your way out of the picture. No one will notice. Take it slow.

camera flashes

Great. These guys are going to KILL me. Go Lakers.

October 25, 2008

About That Isiah Thomas News

I had thought the Isiah Thomas/Lunesta news was off-limits for a joke. I really did. Thankfully, one man was brave enough to make a joke that was both tasteful and hilarious.

That man, is Dallas Penn.

dallas penn

October 24, 2008

Join the On Means On Movement

First, it was Kevin Martin "on" Greg Oden.

Now, it's Nick Young "on" Fabricio Oberto.

Skeets addressed this before, but we're living in dire times, my friends.

These dunks are NOT on people.

They are near their victims. This does not negate the quality of the dunk, as both of these are nice dunks. However, they certainly aren't "on" the victim. Sorry, but it's true.

This, is on a person.

And this is how you can show your support for the On Means On movement:

on means on

Repost this (people love the Helvetica posters right now). Show your support. This is change we need.


YahnahImean, Mike Curry head coach of the Pistons is dropping his new mixtape, One MC and 12 DPs this weekend. HOT FIRE Y'ALL!

Featuring such hits as:
  • A Milli (Wins)
  • Pist-Ons for the City
  • Motown 25 Freestyle
  • DEEE-TROIT Basketball (feat. Eminem and Kid Rock)

Available only at DetroitBadBoys.com.

October 22, 2008

The Blowtorch Presents ... Anticipatory Remarks

Pound for pound, I'm pretty live on the mic

Oh, what's that you say? You'd like to hear a podcast of the silliness you normally just read?


Play The Blowtorch Presents...Anticipatory Remarks

  • Marc Gasol is discussed.
  • The word "gregarious" is used. Twice.
  • Mario Chalmers is slandered.
  • Clay Bennett raps.



October 21, 2008

Joakim Noah Advises Sam, Bill, and Neil

(Sam, Bill, and Neil approach Joakim Noah, who is sitting winsomely on a grassy hill)

Joakim: Gentlemen.
Sam: Hey Joakim.

Bill: Hey.

Neil: Hey.

Joakim: To what do I owe this pleasure?

Sam: Well...

Bill: Ask him.
(Bill nudges Sam.)

Sam: Hey!

Neil: Sam's worried that Cindy won't like the way he kisses.

Sam: NEIL!

Neil: What?! It's true.

(Bill giggles to himself.)

Joakim: Well, as you know, I myself once had the same predicament. 'Twas some time ago, in fact. Actually, it frightens me to this day to think what could have happened.

(Bill giggles to himself.)

Neil: Joakim. We really need your help.

Joakim: Yes, certainly. Anyway. As I was saying, the key to winning a woman's heart is simple. Just be yourself and she will be drawn to you. It's as I always say, set the bait and then wait.

Sam: That's it?

Bill: Yeah, that's it?

Joakim: Indeed.

Neil: Thanks, Joakim.

Bill: Yeah, uh, thanks.

(Bill's jaw hang open.)

Sam: You're the best, Joakim.

Joakim: Gentlemen.

Hi, I'm Your New Favorite Player

Hey guys, it's me, Kevin Martin. You might remember me from that one time I scored 48 points against the Timberwolves. Just wanted to let you know I'm doing some pretty sweet things lately. For instance, I now have a mohawk. I also recently signed a shoe deal with Jordan Brand.
Oh, and I dunked really nasty on Greg Oden last night. Just letting you know. If you need me, I'll be over here being awesome. Nice to meet you.

October 20, 2008

More Proof of the Grand NBA Conspiracy

Those are the REGULAR SEASON STANDINGS from NBA.com. Little did you know that the season was already a week old and that they settled playoff seeds after the first 6 or 7 games. That David Stern will do anything to screw Phoenix.

Examining LeBron's Personal Brand

Last month, Esquire had a great expose about LeBron James and his managing team. The article shows how James' team of people are positioning the LeBron James brand to be bigger than the Jordan brand.
Not mentioned, Elton Brand.
The main crux of their plan is partnerships over sponsorships. Usually, the product benefits most from its association with the athlete, but this strategy allows LeBron to reap rewards (monetary and otherwise) to an equal degree.

With that in mind, here's a look at some of the latest in LeBron James products and what they mean to the LeBrand.

Still at the center of the LeBron brand is his signature shoe. This year's model is the LeBron Zoom VI.
Also, there are NUMEROUS varieties of LeBron shoes for sale.

Zoom LeBron Soldier IIIZoom LeBron VI LowZoom Ambassador
As with the majority of LeBron shoes, these all look spectacularly clunky. That might be explained by LeBron's obvious hugeness, but it's also anti-thetical to branding. No one wants to be clunky, and LeBron's shoes (and coordinating clothing) always looks so needlessly bulky. These clothes and shoes are designed for a guy who is 6'8", 260 lbs. and it shows. Even his custom Air Force 25s are clunky.

These design follies are surely the reason that the LeBrons haven't caught on as a lifestyle shoe as Jordan's did. Even today, you'll see far more Air Jordans on the court than LeBrons. The reason is obvious; Jordans are innovative and generally classy, where LeBron's shoes use convential materials and their designs are just a bit off.

Unfortunately for LeBron and company, until the shoes take off, they'll never surpass the Jordan brand in viability. Jordan and his people understood this and built his brand that way. (Furthermore, the Air Jordan's limited availability helped to make it special. LeBron may have oversatured the market with his pairs upon pairs of shoes.) It wasn't until Jordan was an established marketing force that he expanded in to things like movies, racing, and the like. LeBron, however, is already branching out.

In HS, LeBron suffered from Taco Neck Syndrome.

About a month ago, LeBron's film premiered to rave reviews, a step that lends LeBron's brand additional clout and credibility. Additionally, the film (which examines his high school career) serves to build his legend.
There are, of course, other partnerships which are more unusual. For instance, LeBron and Ralph Lauren's Purple Label.

Yet another similarity between LeBron and Kanye.

As has been stated time and time again, LeBron wants to be a global icon and the first billionaire athlete. And while that is certainly feasible, the true test will be the respect and recognition that his brand gathers. Will he become another Jordan, serving as a fashion and business icon? Or will he be just another rich athlete?

October 17, 2008

Cancel Any Bets on the Knicks, Michael Beasley, the Hornets, the Lakers, and Tyson Chandler Immediately

These nuggets of NBA wisdom from Lil Wayne should be more than enough evidence that anything you think must obviously be wrong.

On the Knicks:

I think they should do good. Not OK, not great, but good. Why? Mike D'Antoni, and you know how that guy runs his offense. Gotta score within seven seconds, and that's exciting. If he gets to work over those players right there, I'm betting on his scheme and the way he coaches to say that there's no way an unsuccessful team could come out of that...I love the move they made naming my hometown dude Chris Duhon the starting point guard over Stephon Marbury...So shout out to Chris Duhon, you're the man.
On Michael Beasley:

I'm a Beasley fan. He's straight up. He's real. He plays with emotion and drive and physicality. He gets to where he needs to be on the court. And when he gets to his spot, if he's not gonna shoot it in your face man, he's gonna dunk it in your face. And if he's not gonna dunk it in your face he's gonna dish it to the next man. There's not a player in the game like Michael Beasley. His upper body strength is amazing. He could play center. I don't know if people know that, but that kid could play center.
On the Lakers and the Hornets:

This is a touchy subject for me. Probably the touchiest in all of sports. I'm tearing up as I think about it now. As you guys know, the Hornets are from my hometown, and Chris Paul and Kobe are my boys. When they play each other, I just sit there. I don't know what to do. When the Hornets score, I scream. When Kobe scores, I scream. One one of those teams will make the Western Conference finals, but I can't answer who that will be. I have no answer. It's just too touchy for me. It's too upsetting to think about one team not making it.
On Tyson Chandler:

As far as Tyson Chandler goes, no way he's gonna have an off-year. Those days are way behind him. He's a great player. He's one of the rare guys who came out of high school years ago who made it and is still amazing and just getting better. It's really scary to say, but his opponents can't stop him.

Sorry if you had any sort of hope for these teams and players, but Lil Wayne just can't be trusted. After all, he truly believes he's the best rapper alive.

Ballin in Space

Ballin in Spain

Ballin in Spa-ee-ain
Whatcha doin' out there teams?

Chris Paul:
That's pretty freaky, Wizards.
Is it cold out in Spain, Wizards?

David West:
You can borrow my jumper if you like, Wizards.

Caron Butler:
Does the cold of Spain make your nipples get pointy, Hornets?
Do you use your pointy nipples as telescopic antennae to transmit data back to Stern?
I bet you do, you freaky old bastards, you.

Do you have one really funky sequin jump suit, Hornets?
Or do you have several ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?

David West:
Do you smoke grass out in Spain, Wizards?
Or do they smoke Astroturf?

Chris Paul:
Receiving transmission from Caron Butler’s nipple antennae
Do you read me, Caron Butler?
I said, do you read me, Caron Butler?

David West:
This is Hornets to Wizards.
Do you hear me out there, Wiz?

Caron Butler:
This is Wizards back to Hornets.
I read you loud and clear, Buzz.

All three:

Chris Paul:
Your signal's weak on my radar screen, How far out are you, man?

Caron Butler:
I'm pretty far out.

All three:
That's pretty far out, man!

Caron Butler:
I'm orbiting Bilbao
Oh-ah-ohh oh oh
I'm drawn in by its Groovitational
Groovitational pull, I'm jamming out with the Juan Dixonauts
And they think it's pretty cool man.


Chris Paul:
Are you okay, Wizards, what was that sound?

Caron Butler:
I don't know, man, I have to turn my team around Oh, it's the craziest scene.

David West:
Yeah, I'm picking it up on my NBA screen
Caron Butler:
Can you see the blogosphere ringing?

To the choir of Ely-nauts singing
Hornets in space
Wizards in space
Eenie, ma-ma-meenie mynie mowie
(Caron Butler: Set your phasers on funky)
Eenie, ma-ma-ma-meenie mynie mowie
B-b-b-b-b-ballin in Spain

Inspired by this. Obviously.

October 16, 2008

Can Someone Please Get Kareem Abdul-Jabbar a Stylist?

Were I one of the ten best players of all time, I'd be fine with spending a little money to dress me when I went out. Apparently, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does not share this viewpoint. Presented below are some of Kareem's most egregious fashion errors. Please be warned, a seven foot man wearing horrible clothes has the potential to inflict psychological harm.

Kareem's legendary jacket.
Ill-fitting jeans paired with what appears to be a denim and leather letterman's jacket.
Mom jeans.
A hat that is far too small for his head along with a sweater made from goat's hair.
Making Samuel L. Jackson look well-dressed is quite the accomplishment.
Kareem would be more than happy to process your auto loan. How much are you looking to put down?
I can say this for Kareem, the man can accessorize.

October 15, 2008

Mike D'Antoni Explains His Coping Mechanism

Coaching the Knicks is a tough job. I had no idea. I mean, I spend most of my down time driving through the Italian countryside in my Fiat; I can't be expected to know how the New York Knicks have been mismanaged. Anyways, the guy before me was apparently some very bad manager, and the team he left me with is pretty terrible. Sometimes it makes me very angry.

It's just so silly that I have to deal with this one guy, Steven something, who thinks he's a great point guard. It's pretty depressing really, how he thinks of himself. I came from years with Steve Nash, who, aside from being super sexy, is also a legitmately great point guard. It's a real bummer.I try to stay upbeat, I really do. I try to encourage my players. I give them rousing applause whenever they deserve it.But most of the time, they're such idiots I have to come down pretty hard on them. It's terrible. They won't respond to anything. There's these two fat guys we've got that want to spend all their time cruising for chicks and going to drive-thrus. No matter how loud I yell, I can't get through to them.
It's a conspiracy, I swear. Even the refs are against me. So, of course, I try to explain to them that my team is full of idiots, but they don't care. So when all that stuff is happening, and I just can't take it anymore, I do what any sane man would do.Photobucket I DANCE! I dance, dance, dance. I can't even explain how great it feels. All my troubles just drift away. I love New York.