July 31, 2008

There's a Reason My Last Name's Love

Awwwww, yeah girl. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’, “that Kevin Love looks HOTT in that new Twolves jersey.” Well I got news for you, baby. KLove’s gonna make this jersey work.

I’ll come by later, wearing my jersey, singing “Business Time.” Cause you know when KLove gets down to business, it’s business time. Play your cards right and we might be talkin’ 2 am burritos at El Mex. If you’re lucky, I might let you wear this jersey, girl.

Haha, I’m just playin’. You know KLove ain’t givin’ up this jersey. Even your fine self can’t work this jersey like KLove.

The blue makes my eyes pop? You know what else is poppin’? Yeah, you do girl. I call it KBone. And that’s what I’m gonna do. Why don’t you come a little closer and I’ll show you why McHale didn’t need Mayo. That’s right, we’ll be talkin’ trades ALL NIGHT. Like you tradin’ your man for KLove.

You like the way I got this ball spinnin’? That’s just the start, baby. Let these fingers do their thing and KLove’ll do his. I’m talkin’ outlet passes to your front court. I’m talkin’ back door passes to your…well, your back door. I’m talkin’ you trimmin’ my linebeard. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it. You won’t be the first and you certainly won’t be the last.

But, for real, girl. I’ll enroll you at UCLA. The University of Climax, Love Academy. And you know who the dean is? KLove. Don’t worry, your application has already been approved and I’ve got your grant right here.

July 30, 2008

The Annotated Kwame Brown

Since Kwame Brown has signed with the Pistons, what better time to re-examine his legendary mugshot? I've noted 5 things here, but I'm sure there's more. Feel free to add them in the comments.

Other Places

I did this for Moore. Read it; it's really good. So is the little group of writers he's put together. I'm going to actually have to try to dominate it.

July 29, 2008

A Guide to Going to Europe

Threatening to go to Europe is the new threatening to move to Canada. Essentially, it’s a meaningless threat on par with a VERY meaningless threat. Nonetheless, as a service to everyone, I’ll show you how you can use the threat of going to Europe in your every day life to get what you want.


While booking a limousine for a wedding…
Martin: The best we can do for you is $200 an hour for a 14 seat, stretch Escalade.
Frank: I want a 20 seat party bus.
Martin: Well, that’ll be $240 an hour.
Frank: Whatever. I’m going to Europe.
Martin: Fine. How does $140 an hour sound?

While asking for a raise…
Erica: I’ve performed well above my expected level and feel that I should be promoted to the senior level.
Ron: You’re still a little inexperienced.
Erica: Fine. I’ll just go to Europe.
Ron: Alright, senior level, 11% raise, and a company car.

While negotiating an NBA contract...
Chris: Ey yo, uh, we ain’t sure you’re performance last year justifies you’s getting’ a big contrac’.
Andris: I veal go to Yoorope.
Chris: Aight, man, you got me. 6 years, 64 mill?
Andris: Voondarefool.

While listening to 80s rock…
Rico: Dude, Journey OWNS the 80s.
Mick: Yeah, right. I’m going Europe.

While seducing your wife…
Todd: Aww, c’mon, honey. It’ll be fun.
Hannah: We are NOT getting a third person.
Todd: Fine. I’m going to Europe.
Tony Parker: You want-a to sex-a my wife?

July 28, 2008

Found Item: Elton Brand's Honey Do List

It's not uncommon to report to your significant other. I mean, I shaved my beard for that very reason. That being said, this list - given to Elton Brand by his wife, Shahara - illuminates some reasons why Elton Brand had to leave Los Angeles.

July 25, 2008

Doomsday Scenario #3243875938475

On July 30th, the Cheesecake Factory will be offering every one of their cheesecakes at a discounted price of $1.50 a slice. Sure this seems like a good idea, a nice way to honor their 30 year anniversary. But consider the consequences, I've produced a flow chart for easy viewing.

click for large version

As you can see, virtually every imaginable scenario is perilous. I suggest stocking up on non-perishables, bottled water, and batteries. You have 5 days to prepare for the apocalypse.

July 24, 2008

Danilo Gallinari

Danilo Gallinari shirts now available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

My Golden Fleece

The reason I joke about foreigners so much is because they're my favorite group of players in the NBA. That being said, this video is pretty much everything that excites me about what might happen in the NBA. Two dudes who might never set foot in the league, but if they did, they'd be two of my favorite players.

July 23, 2008

Life Lessons with Brad Miller

One of the NBA's preeminent stoners, Sacramento's Brad Miller, was gracious enough to sit down and give The Blowtorch a series of stories about his life. His life's lessons, if you will. This is the first of those stories:

Run Along

Join a whole bunch of us NBA fellas over at Ball Don't Lie for a MARATHON CHAT. It's for a good cause. And for jokes. Which are also a worthy cause.

July 22, 2008

July 21, 2008

Really, Though

If you haven't already, go read Matt's screed on the Cheesecake Factory phenomenon. It's enlightening, especially for the Fanhouse.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects V

Pitchfork Festival edition

  • As recently as two years ago, I was devoted to the Pitchfork music festival. I'd be there from the first notes of the first set (Pelican, if I remember right -- terrible) and wouldn't leave until the very last song of the last artist. Things done changed. I was at Union Park for a total of 4 hours on Sunday. Spoon wasn't worth staying for. Ghostface and Rae were dope and King Khan was fantastic. After those two acts, I didn't really care for anyone else there. Sorry, Bon Iver.
  • It can only be assumed that the mid-1990s Charlotte Hornets are the hipster choice of NBA team. I counted at least 3 Alonzo Mourning jerseys, 2 Larry Johnsons, and 1 Muggsy Bogues.

  • About that King Khan set; Fiancee and I showed up about halfway through and were blown away. Not only did it sound awesome but the stage show was hilarious. Headdresses, capes, and a cheerleader. But really, isn't Khan just a much more talented Har Mar Superstar? Is there any chance he can keep up what little success he's had without turning in to a total joke? Enjoy it while it lasts.
  • I'm a well-dressed fellow. This is a certainty. However, I'm also not above taking chances stylistically and I definitely don't frown upon people doing their own thing. All that being said, there was a gluttony of terrible, TERRIBLE fashion choices this weekend. There is a very distinct reason that deep v-necks and short jogging shorts went out of style. No one wants to see that much skin on a man. Ever. And while it's pretty played out to say "all these people want to be individuals but they dress the same," it's also painfully true.
  • The Animal Collective set was perfect for a last set in the dark. Their ambient stuff is way better live than on record.
  • I met Jeff Weiss and he was the most earnest and genuinely happy blogger I've met. And aside from the wristband, the least affected. Good people. Also, no homo.
  • I wonder if when Ghost and Rae joined Wu-Tang they ever thought they'd be performing to 10,000 sweaty, white kids who know all the words to all their songs? That can't have been part of RZA's plan.
  • If you're a musician playing at Pitchfork, it's probably pretty easy to walk around and see some other bands since there's at least 25 people who look exactly like you.
  • Raekwon HAS to be related to Kirby Puckett.
  • Number one most punchable at the festival: Tom Breihan

July 18, 2008

A Fable

Once upon a time, a man decided to perform an experiment. Not your typical scientific experiment, per se, but rather a social experiment.

This man, though not a scientist, sought to assemble a collection of humans. Humans from every walk of life. Humans, mind you, that are rarely seen together. Humans that rattle to the depths of one's soul. Yes, this man - a man of glorious wealth - travelled far and wide, searching for the oddities that had been cast aside by cultures across the globe. Cultures that couldn't see them for their inherent wealth. Cultures that not only exile the unusual but that also invalidate the worth of these people.

Over time, the man collected these humans, but that was only part of the plan. Simply gathering was not enough; these treasures must be displayed, he thought. Seeking a stage for his band of oddities, the man settled on Puerto Rico. From there, it was time to unleash his cadre of outcasts upon the world, to show the world what they were missing.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we got the Puerto Rican national basketball team.

July 17, 2008

Joe Alexander Attends a Screening of The Dark Knight


Joe's friend: Sssssshhhhh.


Joe's friend: Easy, Joe.



Joe's friend: You can't say things like that, Joe.


Joe's friend: Excuse me?


Joe's friend: Did you just call me a juicebag? I don't even know what that means.



July 16, 2008

OJ Mayo

OJ Mayo shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

Oh, and if you couldn't tell. We're going in draft order. Every first round pick will get their own shirt, plus one at the end with all of them together. Email me for special requests.

Investigating Kobe Bryant's Sheath Logo

There's an old saying, "If you win the MVP, people will make a ton of shoes about it." It's not a particularly good saying, but I think it fits. Since the season got over, there have been a ridiculous amount of Kobe Bryant shoes, shirts, and baked goods made available that celebrate his first MVP. This does not trouble me. Kobe is a marketable athlete who is becoming less and less unlikeable by the year. Get money and all that.

What troubles me is his logo.
For the life of me, I can't figure out why Kobe has this logo. First of all, it sucks. You can't look at that and discern for any reason why that might be Kobe Bryant's logo. It kinda looks like a T, but I'm guessing it's not in honor of the last letter of his last name. It's the wackness.

Possibly even more infuriating than a purely non-sensical logo is that it is supposedly a sheath. Assuming that this would be a sheath that covers a sword of some sort, more questions are raised. Why does Kobe get a sheath? He's not a trained swordsman, he was raised in Italy, and there is no conceivable scenario that incorporates Kobe Bryant listening to the Wu-Tang Clan. Admittedly, if Kobe were a Wu-Tang fan he'd be a GZA guy, but that's beside the point -- Kobe Bryant would not listen to Wu-Tang.

I've gone astray. Back to the lecture at hand.

Kobe is not a samurai sword kind of guy. He's not any sort of guy except a basketball guy, really. It's known that Kobe is obsessed with his sport, so trying to relate him to other areas rings false to me. Ergo, I do not like his logo.

However, if you flip his logo over, I think the logo makes a bit more sense.
You see, Kobe's a dick.

July 15, 2008

Michael Beasley

Shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

Found Item: Elton Brand's Shopping List

Based on this document, found in a garbage can outside a Los Angeles area Whole Foods nearly 2 weeks ago, we should have known Elton Brand was going to Philadelphia. Seriously, batteries?

July 14, 2008

Derrick Rose

Shirts in progress...

UPDATE: Derrick Rose shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP. There's going to be an accompanying shirt for every first-rounder. Buy them all.

July 11, 2008

In Progress

I'm working on something for HP right now. While I jot, ponder this:
Which shoe is worse?

The worst Jordan ever created.


The ugliest Arenas' ever designed.

Choose wisely.

July 10, 2008

How I Bankrupted Steve and Barry's

Remember this?

I'm not taking full responsibility for Steve and Barry's filing for bankruptcy, but I'll take a lot of the credit. Call it even, Steph.

July 9, 2008

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects IV

  • The only thing worse than t-shirts under jerseys are jersey t-shirts. Just by a real jersey, man.

  • I really don't like the implied martyrdom in the Elton Brand situation. People (including Brand himself) were talking about how he and Baron would have been two superstars finally getting their chance at a ring. Clearly this is all because of Boston last year, but it's ridiculous. Neither Brand nor Davis has been in the league long enough to be considered long-suffering. Neither Brand nor Davis has ever seemed particularly concerned with dying to win a championship. Neither Brand nor Davis have ever been big winners. These are just two pretty good players who could have played together. They aren't legendary players whose careers won't be complete without a championship. I blame this on Ray Allen.

  • I'm hoping Matt was referring to the playoffs when he said adding Josh Smith could make the Clippers contenders. That team is LIGHT YEARS away from competing for a championship. And probably quite a bit away from even winning a playoff series. Even with Smith helping to erase mistakes, their defense is going to be horrid.

  • Know this: Brandon Jennings WILL become a patron saint of FreeDarko.

  • Shanoff's suggestion/recommendation/whatever that Jennings spend his year off developing an intense training regimen is laughable for so many reasons. Shall we investigate why? Yes, we shall:

    a) Taking a year away from competive basketball is a bad idea. How then, will NBA scouts really know how to compare you? Even random European guys have footage of them playing other humans.
    b) Since Jennings and his staff would have to develop this regimen, it'll obviously be new. Why would an NBA team respect something that doesn't have a legacy behind it?
    c) No shoe company will give a player an endorsement deal if no one can see them play.
    d) Jennings wouldn't be able to play against elite competition since all the elite competition would be in season. Therefore, he's going to go A WHOLE YEAR without playing against anybody that'll really help him grow as a player.
    e) For how character-concerned NBA teams are, will a team look favorably on a guy who takes a year off from playing against elite players?

    Other than that, it's a great idea.

  • I made this comparison in FanHouse's liveblog today, but it needs to be seen again: Eric Gordon could end up like Fat Glen Rice, from his Lakers years. In fact, his ceiling is probably Glen Rice's best years.

  • I think this is abundantly obvious, but Beasley's new tattoos aren't a sign of Nationals fandom. They're a shout-out to his hometown. I've considered getting the Phillies P (which was my high school baseball team's logo) on my arm and I'm anti-Phillies. Same thing. Minus the millions of dollars, of course.

Kevin Garnett Intenses Summer Music Releases

Wolf Parade - At Mount Zoomer

Beck - Modern Guilt
Nas - Untitled

Weezer - Weezer (The Red Album)

July 8, 2008

Derrick Rose Wears a T-Shirt

I was chatting with Skeets yesterday when he casually dropped a bombshell:

Rose has done nada.
And more alarmingly -- he's playing in an undershirt.
Who does he think he is? Me!?!?!
Clearly this is cause for concern.

Only in summer leagues are players allowed to wear a full-sleeved t-shirt under their jerseys. Yeah, you’ll see quite a few Under Armor types of base layers during the regular season, but they’re otherwise forbidden. This is right and just. Full sleeves should be left to college guys and rec leagues.

As a devotee to the triviality of on-court style, I will not budge on this. You’re in the NBA, look like a basketball player and not some hopper on The Wire.

However, I suppose there may be some decent reasons for wearing an undershirt. Being fair, I’ve provided a few of those reasons:

- Shoulders were removed following a tragic half-pipe bicycle accident.
- You have shoulders, but you’re thin, man. Real thin.
- Increased resistance results in more speed when the shirt is removed.
- Grotesque burns on upper arms.
- Embarrassing tattoo of the lyrics to LFO’s hit “Summer Girls.”
- Typical men’s league jersey has extremely wide neck which causes the jersey to slip off your shoulders.
- To hide an abysmally small frame.
- To prevent chafing.
- You were the fat kid in grade school and have always worn a t-shirt during athletic activities, especially swimming.
- To protect other players from your small, dagger-like nipples.
- Obscene amounts of chest hair.
- You went to college with me, and also thought it was hilarious to have a guy on your NCAA March Madness 2005 team called "The Shirt."
- Played for a handful of Illinois high schools which have jerseys with sleeves and are therefore more comfortable in sleeves.
- Effectively hides the joints from your robotic arm implants.
- Rebellion against the tyranny of the NBA dress code.
- You’re my fiancĂ©e and you get cold easily, even when it isn’t actually cold. For instance, at a Borders.
- Suffer from night terrors where you show up to important events naked, therefore the more clothes, the better.
- You’re a never-nude and always wear a t-shirt..
- Have always dreamt of having wings.
- You’re J.E. Skeets.

Though I’m pretty sure I covered every possible scenario where a sleeved t-shirt is acceptable in the NBA, feel free to add some more in the comments.

Gracias, Matt y Skeets.

July 7, 2008

It's Hard Out Here for Pau Gasol

Sergio Ramos, Fernando Torres, and Rafael Nadal sit jubilantly around a table. A single chair is unoccupied.

Ramos: Veectree es muy bueno. I berry much like weening.

Nadal: Si, si. Sank you so berry much for invitings me aqui. El weeners table!

Torres: De nada, de nada. Rafa, you are true Spanish hero. Te amo.

Nadal: Gracias, Fernando y Sergio. Es un great honor to be here. Now, we discuss hair y headbands, yes?

Torres: Si!

Ramos: Si!

A door creaks open, a haggard and heavily bearded Pau Gasol enters the room and colapses in the vacant chair.

Gasol: Hola, senores.

Nadal: Que? What es Wizard Claws doing here?

Ramos: No sabe. Es no offen we ween, Rafa. Maybe Pau Gasol es confused.

Gasol: Senores, I am berry sorry. I do no mean interrup, but I halve no eat sense Juno. Good people of Espana, haf not been awhaleabull for me to halve food. Zo I halve no ween champonship, yo tengo mucho hambre.

Torres: Ohh, pobrecito. Pau Pau cannot halve food because Pau Pau cannot halve champeenship. falls to the ground, fake cries.

Nadal: Pobrecito!

Ramos: falls to the ground, fake cries.

Gasol: Senores, por favor. I halve not money for eeben una headband.

Nadal: No money por una headband?! Es un tragedy, si.

Ramos: Los Champions para Espana must remedy. Los Champions para Espana wheel remedy. Barkeep, por favor, bring thees bearded creature you finest sangria y headband.

Juan Carlos Navarro walks slowly to the table, hands Pau Gasol a glass of sangria, removes his headband and places it around Gasol’s mangled hair.

Navarro: Please, Pau, treat this well…and remember 2006. No one else will.

To be continued….

July 2, 2008

Eric Gordon and Baron Davis Wear Fat Pants

Phone rings

Pete Serrano, equipment manager: Hello.

Elgin Baylor: Hey, Pete. It’s Elgin.

PS: Not too bad. Just finished up that knee sleeve that’ll cover Shaun’s scars. Those things are gross.

EB: Oh, excellent. That’ll help keep the fans in the seats. Anything we can do to not terribly horrify the fans is a win in my book. And we need wins, am I right?!

PS: We do need wins, that’s for sure. Anyway, what’s up?

EB: Well, we just drafted Eric Gordon. We’re going to need some massive shorts.

PS: Are you serious? Eric Gordon from Indiana?

EB: Yeah, that’s him.

PS: Geez, Elgin. I don’t know where I’m going to find shorts that big. I mean, yeah, you can find some big shorts, but they’ll come down to his ankles. I guess I can see if the Bulls still have the pattern to Khalid El-Amin’s shorts, but that’s going to be a shot in the dark.

EB: I would have suggested Priest Lauderdale, but you’d get the A-line skirt thing going on.

PS: How do you know about A-line skirts?

EB: Project Runway.

PS: Ooooh, great show. So, anything else I can do for you?

EB: Yeah, there’s one more thing. We just signed Baron Davis. He’ll need some big shorts too.

PS: You’re killing me!

EB: Hey, Donald’s actually spending. I’m not passing that up.

PS: You’re right. But this is going to kill our fabric budget. NBA mesh goes for 75 bucks a yard. Between Gordon and Baron, that’ll be, like, 900 dollars.

EB: Luckily Shaun’s really skinny. Just don’t skimp on Kaman’s shorts. That’s just wrong to even think about.

PS: Yeah, that makes my man parts hurt picturing it.

EB: …

PS: …so, um, I’ll get to work on those fat shorts.

EB: Thanks, Pete.


July 1, 2008

Brook Lopez Prepares for His First Press Conference

GOSH, guys. I don't WANNA do a press conference!

Can't I just stay home and play Wii? I never get to play Wii anymore. Ever since I got here it's been basketball, basketball, BASKETBALL. What do I have to do to get some alone time with New York Minute? That movie's AMAZING.

Seriously, what am I supposed to say at this dumb thing? I can't say I'm glad to be in New Jersey. It's frickin' NEW JERSEY. No one wants to come here. I can't say I'm excited to play for Frank Lawrence. I don't even remember what he looks like. UGH.

I miss Robin. He's probably running through sprinklers AGAIN. He has all the fun in Phoenix. He says they even let him use Funoodles in the team pool. Vince won't even let me read him my poems. It's so BORING here.

I need a nap.